In the Name of Love
by Mary Ellen Albert

Sometimes your experience with spirit is not what you'd expect. In Fall of '95 I became aware that there was a major change about to occur in my life. I couldn't tell you how or why I knew that. I just did! So I started perparing. Began meditating, getting bodywork done, exchanging enertigic work with friends, covering all my bases so to speak. I was getting more in touch with self, preparing for this life altering event that I was sure was coming in the spring with no idea what it would be. Confident that it was going to be awsome, deeply moving, and the opportunity I had been looking for to sort through all the baggage I've so carefully packed up and had been carrying around for years.

So smug and sure that this was it! The big one! I was going to get a tremendous opportunity for growth... Be careful what you wish for!!!

In the spring of '96 my 13 year old daughter Julie was diagnosed with bone cancer. My world as I knew it was over. I think that qualifies as a life altering event don't you? It was also awesome (fear, dread, mingled with admiration and reverence according to Webster's) Well, I was certainly afraid, dreaded what all this meant, admiration and reverence? That would take some time. Deeply moving? You bet! My world had been rocked to its very foundation. I was moved! And talk about opportunity to sort through baggage. It is truly amazing the things you stuff in that carry all. And when life throws you a curve, how unimportant and superficial it all seems. My daughter could die! There was no longer any time to to worry about the time my mother psychologically damaged me by forcing me to eat my peas when I was 6.

So like any evolved spiritual being I immediately dissasociated and went on auto pilot! I'm not complaining mind you. I personally think dissasociation has its place initially. Spirit gave me a break, I could now function without tears, food, sleep. I did what I had to do to assist my daughter on her journey. And my guardian angels held space.

We saw all the doctors, had all the tests taken, and scheduled her for the biopsy. All within the span of a week. A psychic friend of mine told her not to worry, that she 'knew' it was not cancer because she had seen my daughter grown.

My first lesson, impressions from spirit are to be shared not interpreted. I also 'knew' that that lump on her leg was cancer, I kept my mouth shut and told her I was there to help her no matter what, the rest she did not need to know. If spirit had wanted her to know she would, and guess what? She did. She was also very dissapointed when my psychic friend was wrong!

Julie went into depression, sitting in the dark refusing food and companionship for extented periods of time inbetween bouts of vomiting and diarreah.

Enter lesson two, this was not my journey it was hers. I was simply along for the ride. And my function was to hold space as she made her way. Healers have a habit of believing their own press you know. They think that they in fact heal someone! When actually the healing process is between an individual and spirit. It hinges on their beliefs, their desires, their needs and not mine not the illusions my ego mind has created. So the chemo began! This was not easy ( I was a health food nut, not even an aspirin in the house). And I had seen too many kids 'loved to death' by well meaning caregivers that knew best! Julie needed external, tangible signs to relate to and I had to let go of my expectations and step into her reality. Being supermom for 13 years and a closet control freak this was not easy. I now had to clear out the control compartment of my carry on. It was loaded.This took some time.

Lesson three, everything is an illusion. As my daughter lay in my arms the night before her first chemotherapy she asked that this not be so, that she not have to do this. My illusions of control, were shattered. Life was chaos. And my mind drifted to my early religious training. Wasn't there another who had asked that this cup pass before him? I finally realized that perhaps I was not here with her to help her heal, but possibly to help her die. After all is not death the ultimate healing? That night I cried. We cried. And at that point I had tremendous admiration for the courageous albeit slightly ruffled 13 year old woman I held. She was about to confront her demons and I was honored to be allowed to hold space for her. That night I gave it all up to spirit. I was in for the ride of my life.

The next 6 months was filled with surgeries, chemotherapy, rehab (Julie had to learn how to walk again when they rebuilt her knee) and day after day after day of bodily fluids every where.

One day in September I was called to support my 14 year old daughter once again. She decided she had had it with the chemotherapy. The cancer in her leg was dead the final biopsy of the tumor her surgeon removed had proven that. She was convinced that she was cured. There was no budging her! It was time to put my money where my mouth was. I chose to support her in her decision. It wasn't easy. I had seen the results of conventional therapies. Yes we prayed, held space for her, laid hands on her. But the protocol the doctors had been using was also working. I had to remind myself that this was about her and not me. Once again I surrendered what little control I had left and took a leap of faith.

We went to her oncology appointment and she informed her physician of her decision. He took one look in her eyes and agreed. What should have been 14 months of chemo was pared down to 6 with very close monitoring from here on out.

I learned a great deal that year, about myself, about my relationship with spirit, but especially what blind faith was all about. I saw it in my daughter's eyes that day in her doctor's office. It was a look I will never forget. One of true conviction and complete trust in what was in her heart.

That was the moment I realized that to have a true relationship with spirit I had to surrender all the baggage, all the illusions, all the control and allow myself to experience life as it is given. Now I am not saying that I do that 100% of the time. I haven't sprouted wings or a halo yet as far as I can tell. But I do know it is something I strive for with my whole being.

Julie has been cancer free for three years now and each day is a gift as well as a reminder that spirit always speaks, we have only to listen.

Enter reverence, we had been given a miracle (a wonderful thing) and there are times that I can barely comprehend it all. I only know that it is a sacred thing and I treasure it deeply.

Parenting and Relationship
My Mother's Passage
Written by Darling Villena-Mata

Features
A Gift to Yourself
Written by Clare Woods

Men Supporting Women
From Grandpa's Eyes
Written by Gary Craig

On the Greene by Maria Susan Greene
White Potatoes
Provisions

Spirit-to-Spirit
A Talk with Fear
Written by Bonnie Arielle

In The Name of Love
Written by Mary Ellen Albert

Now
Written by Darling Villena-Mata

Health Share
Herbalist and Mystic
Submitted by American Botanical Council

For the Record
Showing Up YourSelf
Written by Linda Compton

On the Spot...
...with Karen Norling

Q&A
Chordcutting
by Readers and CirclePoint

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