Silent Fears


Silent stares
Words unspoken
A glance nervously taken

One false move
One inadvertent mistake
One wrong sigh....

the fear
the fear is always there

always planning before hand
always trying to figure out
the next step
the next "acceptable" look
the next "acceptable" action

the fear
the fear is always there

waiting for that shoe to drop
waiting to see if he approves
if he deems us worthy

of not slapping us
of not yelling at us
of not calling us sons of bitches,
or whores or worse
of not accusing us of things that he himself is doing

waiting to see if he approves
quietly holding our breaths
forever holding our breaths
not daring to breathe too loudly

lest that offends
him

him
the man whom everyone outside our home loves and adores
him
who is charming and puts on a good show for others to see

but no one sees
no one cares to see beyond the surface
our world and how we act
what we do and say
revolves around him
how HE views his world
and those around him

he is our warden
our prison guard
our tormentor
the one who says
he loves us

our supposed parent
our supposed spouse

This writing was inspired from listening to the effects of battering on the children, adult children, significant others, and spouses­­the family of those who batter. For those who are being battered, be it physically, emotionally, mentally , verbally, and/or sexually in this kind of situation, a planned escape with help from your local battered women's shelter or from the national hotline for domestic violence is highly suggested. Many decide to brace and endure the violence because they have been threatened with death to them and their loved ones. There is a high risk for being killed when trying to leave, especially they are unplanned escapes.

For many, imagination is about developing coping skills for safety's sake. Many imagine only how to stay safe and out of harm's way; burying the anger so deep that only numbed emotions are felt, with often rationalization covering the melodrama. When children from these homes become adults, many stifle the memories with the use of drugs, alcohol, workaholism, and relationship hopping.

The silent fears, waiting to scream, waiting to tell.
"Doingness" and keeping preoccupied becomes front and center. Relaxation and breathing invite memories and pain as well as needing to heal.

But this time, yes, this time, the imagination, once used for safety's sake, is awoken with creativity for life; saying goodbye to traumas; inviting new beginnings and developing adventures for the soul. Leaving the prison walls and entering into the freshness of life and living with peace and joy.


©2001 All rights reserved. D. Villena-Mata

Features
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Elegy for Some Old Stuff
Written by Susan Wolfson

Parenting and Relationship
a woman's journey
Written by Darling Villena-Mata

Silent Fears
Written by Darling G. Villena-Mata

Spirit-to-Spirit
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Q&A
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