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"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
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the galaxy Dirk Gently Detective Agency Marvin quotes Marvin the
Paranoid Android douglas adams quotes " ...You hadn't exactly gone out
of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually
telling anyone or anything.' douglas adams quotes the hitchhiker's
guide to the galaxy But the plans were on display...' o n display? I
eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.' douglas adams
quotes `That's the display department.' `With a torch.' douglas adams
quotes `Ah, well the lights had probably gone.' `So had the stairs.'
douglas adams quotes `But look you found the notice didn't you?' `Yes,'
said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked
filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door
saying "Beware of The Leopard".'"-- Arthur singing the praises of the
local council planning department. "`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime
doubly so.' douglas adams quotes `Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should
send that in to the "Reader's Digest". the hitchhiker's guide to the
galaxy They've got a page for people like you.'"-- Ford convincing
Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes atlunchtime. "`This must be
Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never
could get the hang of Thursdays.'"-- the hitchhiker's guide to the
galaxy Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth. "Pages one
and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been salvaged by a
Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into
an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. Itwas
constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossiblefor
a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond
Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but
wanted no truck with it."-- An example of Damogran wildlife. "`How do
you feel?' he asked him. douglas adams quotes `Like a military
academy,' said Arthur, `bits of me keep passing out.'".... douglas
adams quotes `We're safe,' he said. douglas adams quotes `Oh good,'
said Arthur. douglas adams quotes `We're in a small galley cabin,' said
Ford, `in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.' `Ah,'
said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of the word"safe"
that I wasn't previously aware of.'-- Arthur after his first ever
teleport ride. "`The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick
your fingerdown his throat...'"-- The Book, on one of the Vogon's
social inadequacies. douglas adams quotes "`You'd better be prepared
for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasently like being drunk.'
douglas adams quotes `What's so unpleasent about being drunk?' `You ask
a glass of water.'"-- Arthur getting ready for his first jump into
hyperspace. "`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when
I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to
die from asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to
what mymother told me when I was young.' douglas adams quotes `Why,
what did she tell you?' douglas adams quotes `I don't know, I didn't
listen.'"-- Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could.
"`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"-- Arthur experiences
the improbability drive at work. "`I think you ought to know that I'm
feeling very depressed.'" douglas adams quotes "`Life, don't talk to me
about life.'" "`Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me
to take you downto the bridge. Call that "job satisfaction"? 'Cos I
don't.'" douglas adams quotes "`I've got this terrible pain in all the
diodes down my left side.'"-- Guess who. "`If there's anything more
important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.'"--
Zaphod. "`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men
were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from
Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha Centauri.'"--
The Book getting all nostalgic. "`Hey this is terrific!' Zaphod said.
`Someone down there is trying to kill us!' douglas adams quotes
`Terrific,' said Arthur. douglas adams quotes `But don't you see what
this means?' douglas adams quotes `Yes. We are going to die.' `Yes, but
apart from that.' `APART from that?' douglas adams quotes `It means we
must be on to something!' `How soon can we get off it?'"-- Zaphod and
Arthur in a certain death situation over Magrathea. "And wow! Hey!
What's this thing coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big
and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding word like... ow...
ound... round... ground! That's it! That's a good name -ground! douglas
adams quotes I wonder if it will be friends with me?"-- For the sperm
whale, it wasn't. "Oh no, not again."-- A bowl of petunias on it's way
to certain death. "`Er, hey Earthman...' `Arthur,' said Arthur. douglas
adams quotes `Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and
guard this end of the passageway. OK?' douglas adams quotes `Guard?'
said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no one here.' douglas
adams quotes `Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod. `Whose?
Yours or mine?'"-- Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea. "There
are of course many problems connected with life, of which some ofthe
most popular are `Why are people born?' `Why do they die?' `Why do they
spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?'"-- The
Book. the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy "`Right,' said Ford, `I'm
going to have a look.' He glanced round at the others. `Is no one going
to say, "No you can't possibly, let me go instead"?' They all shook
their heads. douglas adams quotes `Oh well.'"--the hitchhiker's guide
to the galaxy Ford attempting to be heroic whilst being seiged by
Shooty and Bangbang.the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy The Restaurant
at the End of the Universe "In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a
bad move."-- the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy The Book just
racapping what happened in the last book. "`I am so amazingly cool you
could keep a side of meat in me for amonth. I am so hip I have
difficulty seeing over my pelvis.'"-- Zaphod being cool. "`You ARE
Zaphod Beeblebrox?' douglas adams quotes `Yeah,' said Zaphod, `but
don't shout it out or they'll all want one.' douglas adams quotes `THE
Zaphod Beeblebrox?' `No, just A Zaphod Bebblebrox, didn't you hear I
come in six packs?' douglas adams quotes `But sir,' it squealed, `I
just heard on the sub-ether radio report. It said you were dead...'
`Yeah, that's right, I just haven't stopped moving yet.'"-- Zaphod and
the Guide's receptionist. "The fronting for the eighty-yard long
marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty
thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizardskins, despite the fact that the twenty
thousand lizards concerned hadneeded them to keep their insides in."--
The Book decribing Milliways' politically incorrect decor. "`...and the
Universe,' continued the waiter, determined not to be deflected on his
home stretch, `will explode later for your pleasure.' douglas adams
quotes Ford's head swivelled slowly towards him. He spoke with feeling.
douglas adams quotes `Wow,' he said, `What sort of drinks do you serve
in this place?' douglas adams quotes The waiter laughed a polite little
waiter's laugh. `Ah,' he said, `I think sir has perhaps misunderstood
me.' `Oh, I hope not,' breathed Ford."-- Ford in paradise. "Zaphod
grinned two manic grins, sauntered over to the bar and bought most of
it."-- Zaphod in paradise. "`Maybe somebody here tipped off the
Galactic Police,' said Trillian. `Everybody saw you come in.' `You mean
they want to arrest me over the phone?' said Zaphod, `Couldbe. I'm a
pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.' douglas adams quotes `Yeah,'
said a voice from under the table [Ford's now completely rat-arsed at
this point], `you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the
shrapnel.'"-- Zaphod getting paranoid over a phone call. "`Hand me the
rap-rod, Plate Captain.' The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about
his forehead in confusion. douglas adams quotes `I beg your pardon,
sir?' he said. `The phone, waiter,' said Zaphod, grabbing it off him.
`Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall
off.'"-- Zaphod discovers that waiters are the least hip people in the
Universe. "The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford
nevertheless weaved his way through it."-- Ford making his way out of
Milliways whilst under the influence of enough alcohol to make a rhino
sing. "`The first ten million years were the worst,' said Marvin, `and
the second ten million, they were the worst too. The third ten million
I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.'"--
Marvin reflecting back on his 576,000,003,579 year career as Milliways'
car park attendent. "`Incidentally,' he said, `what does teleport
mean?' Another moment passed. Slowly, the others turned to face him.
`Probaby the wrong moment to ask,' said Arthur, `It's just I remember
you use the word a short while ago and I only bring it up because...'
`Where,' said Ford quietly, `does it say teleport?' `Well, just over
here in fact,' said Arthur, pointing at a dark control box in the rear
of the cabin, `Just under the word "emergency", above the word "system"
and beside the sign saying "out of order".'"-- Arthur finding an escape
route from a certain death situation. "I teleported home one night With
Ron and Sid and Meg. Ron stole Meggie's heart away And I got Sidney's
leg."-- A poem about matter transference beams. "Anyone who is capable
of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to
do the job."-- Some wisdom from The Book. "`We've got to find out what
people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has
for them.' The crowd were tense. They were expecting something
wonderful from Ford. `Stick it up your nose,' he said. `Which is
precisely the sort of thing we need to know,' insisted the girl, `Do
people want fire that can be fitted nasally?'"-- Ford "debating" what
to do with fire with a marketing girl.Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
"The story goes that I first had the idea for THHGTTG while lying
drunkin a field in Innsbruck (or `Spain' as the BBC TV publicity
department authorititively has it, probably because it's easier to
spell)."-- Foreward by DNA. FORD: Six pints of bitter. And quickly
please, the world's about to end. BARMAN: Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for
it.-- Fit the First. the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy BOOK:
Meanwhile, the starship has landed on the surface of Magrathea and
Trillian is about to make one of the most important statements of her
life. Its importance is not immediately recognised by her companions.
TRILL: Hey, my white mice have escaped. ZAPHOD: Nuts to your white
mice.-- Fit the Third. BOOK: ...Man had always assumed that he was more
intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel,
New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was
muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins
believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the
same reasons.-- Fit the Third. "Another section inspired by American TV
- this time `Starsky and Hutch'. In this show the heroes claimed that
they did care about people getting shot, so they crashed their cars
into them instead."-- DNA on the origins of Shooty and Bang Bang in Fit
the Fourth. ARTHUR What is an Algolian Zylatburger anyway? FORD:
They're a kind of meatburger made from the most unpleasant parts of a
creature well known for its total lack of any pleasant parts. ARTHUR:
So you mean that the Universe does actually end not with a bang but
with a Wimpy?-- Cut dialogue from Fit the Fifth. BOOK: There is a
theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the
Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already happened.--
Introduction to Fit the Seventh. FORD: Tell me Arthur...ARTHUR Yes?
FORD: This boulder we're stuck under, how big would you say it was?
Roughly? ARTHUR: Oh, about the size of Coventry Cathedral. FORD: Do you
think we could move it? (Arthur doesn't reply) Just asking.-- Ford and
Arthur in a tricky situation, Fit the Eighth. BOOK: What to do if you
find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder
you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that
life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been
good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more
likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much
longer.-- Comforting advice for Ford and Arthur in this current
situation, Fit the Eighth. ZAPHOD: Hey, this rock... FORD: Marble...
ZAPHOD: Marble... FORD: Ice-covered marble... ZAPHOD: Right... it's as
slippery as... as... What's the slipperiest thing you can think of?
FORD: At the moment? This marble. ZAPHOD: Right. This marble is as
slippery as this marble.-- Zaphod and Ford trying to get a grip on
things in Brontitall, Fit the Tenth. ARTHUR: It's not a question of
whose habitat it is, it's a question of how hard you hit it.-- Arthur
pointing out one of the disadvantages of gravity, Fit the Tenth.
ARTHUR: It probably seems a terrible thing to say, but you know what I
sometimes think would be useful in these situations? LINT: What?
ARTHUR: A gun of some sort. LINT.2: Will this help? ARTHUR: What is it?
LINT.2: A gun of some sort. ARTHUR: Oh, that'll help. Can you make it
fire? LINT: Er... F/X: DEAFENING ROAR LINT: Yes.-- Arthur and the
Lintillas gaining the upper hand, Fit the Twelfth. Life, the Universe
and Everything "He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in
the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit
bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide. `I will go mad!' he
announced."-- Arthur discovering a way of coping with life on
Prehistoric Earth. "`... then I decided that I was a lemon for a couple
of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a
gin and tonic.' Arthur cleared his throat, and then did it again.
`Where,' he said, `did you...?' `Find a gin and tonic?' said Ford
brightly. `I found a small lake that thought it was a gin and tonic,
and jumped in and out of that. At least,I think it thought it was a gin
and tonic.' `I may,' he added with a grin which would have sent sane
men scampering into the trees, `have been imagining it.'"-- Ford
updating Arthur about what he's been doing for the past four years.
"`Eddies,' said Ford, `in the space-time continuum.' `Ah,' nodded
Arthur, `is he? Is he?'"-- Arthur failing in his first lesson of
galactic physics in four years. "Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his
dressing gown and spoke to him asslowly and distinctly and patiently as
if he were somebody from atelephone company accounts department."--
Ford trying to rectify that situation. "...[Arthur] leapt to his feet
like an author hearing the phone ring..."-- Who says that the character
of Arthur isn't autobiographical? "Arthur's consciousness approached
his body as from a great distance,and reluctantly. It had had some bad
times in there. Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down into its
accustomed position. Arthur sat up. `Where am I?' he said. `Lord's
Cricket Ground,' said Ford. `Fine,' said Arthur, and his consciousness
stepped out again for a quick breather. His body flopped back on the
grass."-- Arthur coping with his return to Earth as best as he could.
"`A curse,' said Slartibartfast, `which will engulf the Galaxy in fire
and destruction, and possibly bring the Universe to a premature doom. I
mean it,' he added. `Sounds like a bad time,' said Ford, `with luck
I'll be drunk enough not to notice.'"-- Ford ensuring everyone knew
where his priorities lay. "`My doctor says that I have a malformed
public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I
am therefore excused from saving Universes.'"-- Ford's last ditch
attempt to get out of helping Slartibartfast. "Trillian did a little
research in the ship's copy of THHGTTG. It had some advice to offer on
drunkenness. `Go to it,' it said, `and good luck.' It was
cross-referenced to the entry concerning the size of the Universe and
ways of coping with that."-- One of the more preferable pieces of
advice contained in the Guide. "His eyes seemed to be popping out of
his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see
more clearly, or if they simplywanted to leave at this point."-- Arthur
trying to see who had diverted him from going to a party. "Arthur yawed
wildly as his skin tried to jump one way and his skeletonthe other,
whilst his brain tried to work out which of his ears it most wanted to
crawl out of. `Bet you weren't expecting to see me again,' said the
monster, which Arthur couldn't help thinking was a strange remark for
it to make,seeing as he had never met the creature before. He could
tell that he hadn't met the creature before from the simple fact that
he was able tosleep at nights."-- Arthur discovering who had diverted
him from going to a party. "`That young girl is one of the least
benightedly unintelligent organiclife forms it has been my profound
lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.'"-- Marvin's first
ever compliment about anybody. "Arthur hoped and prayed that there
wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction there
and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."-- Arthur realising
that he's in a certain death situation with a supernova bomb that is
shaped like a cricket ball.So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish
"`Credit?' he said. `Aaaargggh...' These two words are usually coupled
together in the Old Pink Dog Bar."-- Ford in a spot of bother. "`...we
might as well start with where your hand is now.' Arthur said, `So
which way do I go?' `Down,' said Fenchurch, `on this occaision.' He
moved his hand. `Down,' she said, `is in fact the other way.' `Oh
yes.'"-- Arthur trying to discover which part of Fenchurch is wrong.
"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped
thechronicler's mind."-- This line perhaps best sums up the whole
book.Mostly Harmless "The last time anybody made a list of the top
hundred characterattributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at
number 79..... When it's fall in New York, the air smells as if
someone's been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breathe the
best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a building."--
Nuff said?? "`What's been happening here?' he demanded. `Oh just the
nicest things, sir, just the nicest things. can I sit onyour lap
please?'" "`Colin, I am going to abandon you to your fate.' `I'm so
happy.'" "`It will be very, very nasty for you, and that's just too
bad. Got it?' `I gurgle with pleasure.'"-- Ford and Colin the robot.
"What the hell, he thought, you're only young once, and threw himself
out of the window. That would at least keep the element of surprise on
his side."-- Ford outwitting a Vogon with a rocket launcher by going
into another certain death situation. "The major difference between a
thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is
that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually
turns out to be impossible to get at orrepair."-- the hitchhiker's
guide to the galaxy One of the laws of computers and programming
revealed. "`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for
insurance company directors?' `Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For
what offence?' Trillian frowned. `What do you mean, offence?' `I
see.'"-- Evidence that there will be some justice in the Universe
eventually. "`She hit me on the head with the rock again.' `I think I
can confirm that that was my daughter.' `Sweet kid.' `You have to get
to know her,' said Arthur. `She eases up does she? ' `No,' said Arthur,
`but you get a better sense of when to duck.'"-- Ford and Arthur on
Random.Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency "So after a hectic week
of believing that war was peace, that good was bad, that the moon was
made of blue cheese, and that God needed a lot of money sent to a
certain box number, the Monk started to believe that thirty-five
percent of all tables were hermaphrodites, and then broke down."-- An
Electric Monk has a few problems. "`Well,' said Reg, in a loudly
confidential whisper, as if introducing the subject of nipple-piercing
in a nunnery..."-- Reg going into "tactful" mode. "He believed in a
door. He must find that door. The door was the way to... to... The Door
was The Way. Good. Capital letters were always the best way of dealing
with things you didn't have a good answer to."-- The Electric Monk
discovering the reason why there are so many acronyms in computing. "He
had extracted himself from the Cambridge one-way system by the usual
method, which involved going round and round it faster and faster until
he achieved a sort of escape velocity and flew off at a tangent in a
random direction."-- Quantum transport physics explained. "`Well, I
hope you had a lousy evening.' `I did,' said Richard. `You wouldn't
have liked it. There was a horse in the bathroom, and you know you hate
that sort of thing.'"-- Richard coping with a wierd evening as best as
he could. "Richard was loking at the bird as if it was the most
extraordinary thing he had ever seen in his life, and the bird was
looking at Richardas if defying him to find its beak even remotely
funny."-- Richard encounters some historical rain forest wildlife. "`If
it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to
consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the
family anatidae on our hands.'"-- Words of wisdom from Dirk.The Long
Dark Tea-Time of the Soul "The beak was a major piece of armoury. It
was a beak that would frighten any animal on earth, even one that was
already dead and in at in."-- Dirk encounters the eagle/fighter plane
on his own doorstep. "Dennis Hutch had stepped up into the top seat
when its founder had died of a lethal overdose of brick wall, taken
while under the influence of aFerrari and a bottle of tequila."-- A
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