a terrible nightmare/gameshow

I had a bad nightmare and I wish to share it so that not only I feel badly, but you do as well. That helps me, to spread misery.

There was this game show called "The Price Is Right" and Bob Barker ("Spay and neuter your pets!" ) was the host. Is this show still on? I don't watch TV, let alone daytime TV.

At any rate, I did watch it back in college. We all did. I do not know why. But that and "The Guiding Light" were big ticket items. (Is "Guiding Light" still on? Did Roger Thorpe ever really die? That bastard.) (What about Holly? And what about that chick in a coma who fell out of her Christmas tree? And Josh...he was in love with that gal that went blind for awile, whatever happened with them?)

Okay, so in my dream I was on "The Price Is Right." Oddly, I was very happy to be there. I was in contestant's row and we had to bid on the item and it was a microwave oven and I guessed one dollar because all of the other contestants were asses.

I won! I started jumping around and screaming just like I hated to see those chicks doing when I watched the show in college. But I my dream, I had a good firm bra on, something other contestants tended NOT to have.

I ran up on-stage and kissed Bob Barker. I forget his anti-fur thing which is fine but that throwing paint on peoples' coats, that's not right.

I was jumping around already when Bob Barker said, "Now ChewMouse, you have a chance to win...THIS!" and one of those tall skinny chicks with long hair and wearing a bikini (I do not know why she was clad like that, that's not part of my dream) pointed and a curtain opened and it was a 2007 Lexus! Holy cow!

I jumped and jumped. I was pretty sure I'd be doing that game where there are a bunch of digits and you write them in the proper order for the price of the car (one digit is not used). Do they still play that game?

So anyway, Bob Barker has his arm around me and he said, "Now, Mouse, how are you with calculus?"

I was still pretty excited so I yelled, "I love calculus! I want the Lexus! I love California! I want to win the Lexus!"

I was insane, I tell ya.

Bob Barker did that fakey laugh and said to the audience, "I think Ms. Mouse wants to win the car" and they all laughed.

Bob led me over to somewhere on the stage. We went past other games.

He said, "Now Mouse, you say you know calculus. Are you ready?"

I had a bad feeling right about then.

Bob took this sheet off of a dry-erase board thing and said, "ChewMouse, you have ONE MINUTE TO SOLVE THIS CALCULUS EQUATION!"

I nearly died. I said in a low voice to him, "Why do I have to do this? Why did that last gal get to play 'Plinko' and I'm doing math? What kind of crap is this?"

Bob laughed and said, "Ho ho! Stop the timer! Ho ho! I just have to let our audience know what ChewMouse said!" and he repeated my words. That jerk.

Then he said, "Your time, ChewMouse, starts..NOW!"

I was panicked. I picked up a dry-erase board pen and started the formula but I could not do that problem in one minute. Furthermore, the white trash in the audience was screaming stuff like "Twenty-two! Put twenty-two!" and "Convert it! Convert it!" and I'm unsure what that even means, conversion was unnecessary.

I failed. The timer went off and those model gals all tilted their heads in mock sadness at me.

Bob took the pen and said, "See, you should've begun here, but you were right on this part...you'd have had it if not for that!"

Then I was driving home (for some reason, while I "knew" it was Hollywood, I was actually in my own home state. You know how dreams are) and that damned microwave oven was on the seat next to me and I cried and cried.

I hate "The Price Is Right" and I hate Bob Barker.

I was shaky for a good ten minutes after I got up, just regretting that Lexus. What a car.

And it was BLUE.

damn