Officially- 4:02* AM 8-7-2001

125. Where's my spankin's!? Here is 125, with a mesmerizing new look. I hope it makes ya puke!

Happy Birthday to me! I turned a slenderfying 24 years old, last Tuesday, and I'll be damned if I didn't propose to the sweetest woman in my life, as well. And, if the first 20 or 30 minutes into my birthday (at midnight Tuesday AM, I'm not allowed to tell you where, but it's pretty good...) weren't good enough yet, she actually said yes! Woohoo! Should be terribly exciting... stay tuned for details...

Toilet Troubles In Trotwood, speaking of stay tuned for details. That headline was really said on my local news station. It cracked me up.

I almost ran over a baby skunk, that didn't spray me, tonight on the way out of the porking (haha) lot at work. I was pretty happy there was no sprayge (haha again).

I'm gonna get married.

Officially- 3:11* AM 9-19-2001

126. Welcome to a saddened 126. The following paragraph will be formless ranting about the recent tragedy, sorry if it's hard to comprehend.

Well fucking KABOOM huh? The shots heard 'round the world ain't got shit on this madness. Of course, the madness I write of is the World Trade Center attack, or whatever you want to call it. I actually like "911 is a joke." What kind of horrible fuckin' shit needs to go on when it comes to this? Whose mom did we (as Americans) kill? This is by far the craziest shit I have ever seen and it has been an extremely emotional past coupla days. I'm not sure where to start writing about it... I got a call last Tuesday (9-11-2001 for any of you space monkeys out there) from Sarah at about 11:30 in the mo'nin' waking me out a deep and pleasant slumber. She says to me "Hey turn on the TV. The World Trade Center is gone..." To which I return "No way! Holy shit!!" The first thing I see when I flip on the tele was indeed the first tower pouring out smoke and flames like nobodies business then from the left of my TV screen I see a plane flying into the scene and it crashes and explodes like nuts into the second building. WHAT?!? Then if that wasn't enough of a fine howd'ya do... I see a shot of the second building fucking collapsing! Does this shit really happen? Holy shit! There goes the first building! Bodies of people undetermined alive or dead falling or jumping out of the upper levels of the 110 story, 1350 foot tall structures. Jesus man! Then I see the FUCKING PENTAGON! It has flames shooting from it and a giant gaping hole where the building usually was! Now, as I am sure most of you folks have seen all the pictures, heard all the testimonies, and watched all the news reports.As I did, I fell into a deep state of shock, disbelief, disgust, and utter horror, more emotions than I think a person is supposed experience in a lifetime, much less one early morning. I can't even begin to imagine the scene from NYC not to mention being inside the towers. What kind of sight would it be to go and sit down in your third row back from the windows cubicle, when all of the sudden you hear the roar of jet engines and hop up out of your box to see a jumbo fucking jet come straight at you. Not turning away from the building, as you may suspect with an accident, but towards it, hitting the Tootsie Roll center of the Tootsie Pop with a similar crunch but a completely unfamiliar engulfment of super hot flames. Then you feel the sick thud of a huge explosion while trying to evacuate the tower you are in, assuming that you weren't vaporized or killed in the initial crash, only to get to ground level and out of the building to find that a second plane has hit the second building. Then you hang around until the building is cleared for you to go back to work, when out of nowhere, the second tower starts to fall. Time to run boys! Black soot and ash and debris and building parts come crashing down from almost a quarter mile up. You can't see anything just hear the whoosh of a collapsing building, oh shit! Then the next one falls. Can you imagine the surrealism of it all, the shock, and the disbelief that you aren't Bruce Willis is some Die Hard action flick? I'm still personally not convinced that I am not dreaming, or that any of this shit really happened, but I'm pretty sure it went down. This kinda shit doesn't happen here... if it does, there's no way it happens on this grand of a scale. Basically, from what I gathered over the past week, terrorists just told us that we fucked you hard and dry, square in the ass, and you fools didn't do shit about it. America the safe and great has fallen. Now is the time when I would like to say that even though I have a page devoted to America bashing and the like, I now see a different USA. It is a heartbroken America that came together like nothing I have seen before. It's tragic that it had to come to this, to bring us together, but amazing in the same respect that we can put aside our differences and just try to help. It makes me sad as hell to think of all the innocent people killed. It makes me sad for the folks who did this for the reason that they must have it real fuckin' rough. It makes me sad to have never been to the World Trade Centers. It makes me sad to think of the revenges revenges revenge. America is a beautiful place with anything for anyone and it hurts pretty bad to think of what we may have done to cause this with our cocky attitudes and our backwards policies. Not that there is an excuse for this or any terrorist attack in the world, but things have to be pretty fucked up for shit like this to happen. It makes me sad to know that many many more innocent lives will be lost in the coming retaliation. It's hard to realize, until something catastrophic, how much we take for granted, and how much we have as a culture and as a people. It hopefully will not be hard to remember this feeling in the future. It just became the world versus the rebels and it will be a tough battle. The people responsible certainly did the job right... Our economy is faltering, our airlines are threatening bankruptcy (which I just heard is 10% of the economy), and we are about to go to war. Man o man! Maybe this is the beginning of the thing that I sensed a few years ago. I hope not though because the wickedness that is, is not that cool. Where do we go from here? What are the next several steps? Chemical or biological weapons? Nukes? Asbestos flying through the dusty New York air for everyone to breathe in? I'm not sure where to stop writing and if I thought about it I could probably write all night about it but I will stop now while I am behind. I would like to express my deepest sorrow to the families of the victims and to the world. I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to the rescue workers and all the people risking their life to help. You folks couldn't be more courageous or heroic. Thank you and I love you all... Oh yeah, don't forget to beware propaganda... it is bad.

Yeah, so Sarah and I moved into our own house yeehaa! And to boot, we get our very own loud ass industrial trucking complex right behind us. Gotta love all the honking and air brakes in the middle of the night, but I'm not dead and I'm not hungry so I need to stop my bitching.

Oh yeah, the night after the attack, my mom put my childhood dog to sleep. Life is very difficult sometimes.

Is it just me or does the media not help at all?

Officially- 4:34* AM 11-18-2001

127. Here ye, here ye! (Is that supposed to be hear?) This is 127 for your ear teeth.

So let's see, my grandma died on 10-8-01 that kinda hurt... She has not been livin real well for a while so it's been kind of expected but it's still painful. There are all kinds of things and people that remind me of you Ruth. I love you and I hope you're doing well now.

Holy fog Batman! So, get this, Sarah and I go out to see Harry Potter this past Friday night, it rocked, they chinced out on some of the special effects but it still rocked. We leave the theater and notice it started getting foggy, and we stop at Steak and Shake, then head home where it is REALLY foggy. Oh yeah, I saw one lowly meteor that was bright green and kickass. But back to the fog, this fog was bad enough that I couldn't drive more that like a mile an hour... strange thick fog but not a great big deal... Well I wakes up yesterday afternoon to find that it's still really foggy out and it stays foggy all day, all night when we were partying at Buns house, then at like 2:00 AM I look out all wasted and tired and the fog is gone. POOF! I proceed to be too tired to look for meteors and I go in and pass out on the couch. They may have been really good, the meteors, that is. The fog was weird.

Officially- 4:34* AM 12-19-2001

128. Well smoke my crack and call me Charlie from My Three Sons, this is 128.

Well folks, I've been looking for years and I think I finally saw it... You may or may not believe me, but I got home from the squid factory today (being the 18th) and saw what may have been UFO's! Ya see, the story is, I got out of the car and walked down to the mailbox and heard a rumble, similar to a big jet really far away, for a second or two, so I look up. Almost directly above me I see four dim white lights in a formation that looked very much like your typical aircraft at night through a thin layer of clouds, but there were no clouds in the sky. I watch these lights and as I am walking up to the front door I see the lights literally dance around each other, completely losing formation and looking like the cards do in 3 Card Monty swirling around and changing positions. They were doing this very quickly like no regular plane, be it Air Force or civilian or anything like that. Then, after about 5 seconds all the lights regrouped and formed a perfect diamond. I watched until I couldn't see them any more and was totally freaked out. The was no noise at all except for the initial rumble, and they moved across the sky from straight above me to the horizon in less than two minutes, which is pretty fast compared to a couple commercial jets I was keeping an eye on flying from the opposite horizon in roughly the same direction as the lights. It was very strange and I have never seen lights or planes fly around each other like these did. When they danced around each other they kinda looked like fire flies buzzing around each other. Very weird.

Hey I forgot to write about it but I saw a kickass blue meteor a couple of days after that last meteor I wrote about. It was fuckity uckin' cool.

I almost lost my squid wrastlin' job to the downtrodden economy... sorry bastards.

Officially- 1:39* PM 3-29-2002

129. Man oh man! Is this really my first update of the year 2002 on this page? Well folks, happy Good Friday! Here is 129 brought to you with saddening circumstances yet again...

So on March 25th I was sitting at work about to wrestle yet another squid to the ground when one of my buddies comes over and says "Hey Austin, you got a phone call over there... It sounds like an adult..." Which I figured the bill collectors had found me so I go over, pick up the phone and it's my dad. He says "Austin? I really love you... Here's Vicki..." At which time my sister (not Vicki) gets on the phone and proceeds to tell me that the grandma, that was ill on my trip to Hilton Head, has passed away. There's is nothing I can write about my grandma that would do her justice. She was the sweetest person I have ever known and to watch her laugh or watch her take care of her family was about the coolest thing anyone could ask for. The past half-year has really been rough for my family. September 11th was probably a kick start to the nerves of all Americans and almost the world, my family dog dies which really does suck no matter how you may feel about it, then my mom's mom dies about a month after that, then my dad's mom dies. It's been shitty. I really don't know what to write because I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I really am just writing this update for me and my memories... Thanks for reading them and Grandma Up At The Farm, I really love you, will miss you greatly and me and you are gonna use that Lucky Five to get a good cheap glass of wine together when I see you!

Officially- 4:33* AM 5-9-2002

130. Well, squirrel farts and monkey boots... How you folks doing? Not much going down in this hair clogged sink. Here's 130 'cause I'm bored.

So there is like 150 days for me to: be a free man no longer, indeed weld on the old ball and chain, get tied to the hitchin' post, settle down and start a family (?), damn... I can't think of any more good ones. Oh yeah, how about, marry my baby!

So I'm looking at honeymoon plans and it's gonna rock!

Officially- 3:15* AM 10-17-2002

131. Monkey boots huh? 131 is a sheepload of fun!

So get this freak on... I am officially no longer a free agent. I was traded via contractual obligations into wedded bliss. Yes, that's right, I have a wife. I got married to the gorilla my dreams a week ago this past Saturday and damn was it fine! I was super nervous about the weather for the wedding and rehearsal due to both of them being planned for the out of doors, and hurricane Lili was tearing up the country side but decided it was gonna cool out during my wedding rehearsal dinner. Everything went splendidly and Sarah and I took a fantabulous trip to St. John which is part of the US Virgin Islands... If you wanna see the house we stayed in go here. So I was also super worried about money which turned out to be not much of a problem and we hop aboard the winged beast known by the call letters 757. Security was light in comparison to what I was expecting so that was a surprise. Anywho, we fly out of Columbus (or Columbo which ever you prefer) Ohio and into Atlanta (or Hotlanta or Boy Do I Hate This City For No Good Reason, again which ever you prefer. I prefer the latter.) Chill out for an hour or so in their nasty yellow smoking facilities, then re-board el plano to fly for another 3 and 1/2 hours on to St. Thomas. We proceeded from there, after I forgot what our luggage looked like and spent an hour watching the same bag go around the carousel, hopped on the craziest taxi this side of your moms house and pay 24 bucks for this cool dude to drive like a madman up and down the windy (pronounced whinedy not like the stuff that blows) mountains of the island to get to a ferry to take us to St. John. From there I accidentally gave some dude 9 dollars to move our luggage about 15 feet, thinking I was paying for the ferry tickets, when nope just tipping the guy. We get onto the ferry and head off to St. John. Don't let them fool you... St. John is not as much U.S. as it is Virgin Island and it was really confusing and scary for the first night. We felt broke (money wise) and trapped the first night until we woke up the next morning to find about 10 other islands in view of the house we rented. We got there Monday night and didn't leave the house until Wednesday when we found that the island and all the people were kickass. Everyone was extremely friendly and helpful. The water was as clear and perfect blue as you'd ever care to see and the house we stayed in was really nice. A couple of the highlights were swimming with millions and millions of minnows, about 10 tarpon and a barracuda... quite scary, hitting a top speed of 45 miles an hour in our POS Suzuki Vitara, and drinking like fishes in Woody's restaurant. Also waking up to the most amazing view you can imagine was lovely as well. Then we had to come home to good ol' D-Town. That part sucked. All in all, I think it was a perfect wedding and follow-up. Everything went beautifully thank you very much. I suggest St. John to anyone!

Officially- 3:18 PM 12-23-2002

132. Ring-a-ling, Jing-a-ling, It's Christmas time on my webpage... Welcome to 132, you Chanukah Jew (no defemation intended).

I'm married...

So this here is a story from way back. I may have written about it back in the day somewhere in this pile of webpage but I can't seem to find it as of yet. Let me start by saying about 7 or 8 years ago I used to be a pretty big Cincinnati Reds fan. I have a kickass Reds sleeveless jersey that is the only jersey I've ever owned and I really liked it. Well, one day about 7 or 8 years ago, my ol' buddy Bill and I went to Kings Island abusement park for a fun day of riding roller coasters and looking at chicks. I had decided to wear my Reds jersey that day with a white t-shirt underneath so as not to look like a roughneck, and we take a short drive to the park. It was a lovely day in early June I believe and we go and ride a coaster or two. While walking around we notice a bunch of (for lack of better word) faggy looking dudes. Now I'm not the kind to be homophobic or anything like that but that's what they looked like a bunch of faggy dudes everywhere. We just ignored it and kept walking around, ya know, I was just sporting my snazzy Reds shirt around trying to attract some honeys. We start towards the front  end of the park and see all kinds of faggy guys walking around and a lot of them had red shirts on. Not necessarily Reds shirts, just shirts that were red, so me and Bill are like what the fuck? We went to Kings Island all the time and never were there so many guys dressed in red shirts and so few cute girls walking around. And that's when something funny sprung into my head. It seems that unofficially or maybe officially, hell I don't know, The first Saturday in June or something like that, is Gay Day at Kings Island, and to show your gay pride you wear a red shirt on gay day at the park. And here are me and Bill in the prime of our sexual youth with our hormones raging and over-heteroness flaring and I'm wearing a shirt that says Reds real big on the front and I'm catching looks from other dudes. Needless to say with our over-heteroness flaring it was time for me to take off the gay pride jersey (potentially retiring it for life) and we actually left for home. This was a really long and boring story and I apologize for that... If I wrote it out properly it should be really funny.

Officially- 12:47 PM 12-7-2003

133. Well, it's been a while huh? Here is 133 for your dirty tree. It's gonna be boring but whatever, I can't write well anymore!

I have this little blue goose, I was carrying it in my pocket Friday night, and I leaned over to set my cup of water down and the goose tumbled out of my pocket hit the cookie jar and exploded. This is a sad day. A billion goose pieces scattered among the carpet. I've had the goose for like 5 years now and I will have it no more...

Nothing terribly exciting going on lately, I've had a cold for a while now but it's going away slowly... I think I'm gonna try to make a page which lists my favorite books and reviews. It'll be GREAT! That was my attempt to liven it up a bit. See ya!

So, I just got done writing the previous stuff just above this line. I upload the file to give the internet network the newest version of this page, next I go to my internet browser and check to make sure everything on this page loaded properly when I noticed that the word "books" on the last line of the writing just above this one was  underlined like I had it linked to a different page. I never linked it to anything else so I was terribly confused. I clicked it and it's some book sales website. Basically someone hijacked my website. Douche bags! If you are ever reading around on this page and you click on something and it takes you to somewhere that sell something please, please tell me where you found it. There are a couple places that I linked to sites like Twinkie or something along those lines but I don't want to advertise for someone I don't know or didn't want to give any advertising help to in the first place. This is freaking me out. Totally, a link just appeared out of nowhere...

Officially- 12:59 AM 1-3-2004

134. One-thirty-four, the number of ants in my pants... 

Happy new year! It's weird living in the future, maybe you have to be of a certain age to say that but who'da thunk? Where are my space-age fruit loops and dehydrated shoes? Just place two shoe tablets in water and poof you have a new pair of kicks! My new year was fairly uneventful, I sat here with the wifey and we had a bottle of champagne each, it was delightful!

Uh, oh yeah! Merry Christmas! It was a nice time to be had by all this year, folks were more than generous. We got a video camera, a new, really nice mattress, and Sarah got me Tiger Woods 2004. It's fun but frustrating. 

Thump the shroom to send me mail!

Scram!

*Official time may or may not be inaccurate, due to circumstances beyond our control.

Howdy your Buttness!