My mother will be so happy!!! I'm gonna go away to college to get my doctorate's degree in Ebonics. She will officially have her good, high- class, job son that she can brag about. I will be working, after I get my degree, somewhere in this tiny world, as a professional Ebonicster. It will kick SO much ass. Jive talking in it's finest form, that would rule!

 ...uh that last thing was basically a lie, well the first part was at least, my momma loves me and is plenty happy with me and all that I am in my current places of being, that part was a lie, the ebonics part wasn't.

 I have noticed, as I walk down the path to the promised land, there are these little weeds that were growing in the pathway. Well it was a little while until I realized they were still there in the form of trees basically. hahaha. I think i should probably take care of those sometime. I say that every night that I walk though. "Uh... I better take care of that sometime." Weeds that are taller than me!

 I believe there are urinal mint bandits at work. Ok, get this, there are several inconvenient restrooms in the building I work in, but they are also convenient if your walking in the right direction. Anywho, all the urinals recently acquired new mints with these fancy plastic mint holding things and one day, suddenly out of the blue, the little plastic things were all flipped over. Ya know, so the mint side was down. My first thought was "damn urinal mint bandits, going around flipping urinal mint holder things over, that's not a very good joke..."

 Alright, you can either choose to believe me on this next thing or not, I'm not sure I believe myself, but I am starting to get convinced. What it is that I'm talking about, is something to do with brain power. I listened to my favorite radio program Art Bell's Coast to Coast, and he had a guest on that was speaking of brain power, more specifically something called "Cloudbusting" Apparently if you turn off what this dude called "the reptile side" of your brain, and "pop your amygdala" and you can just kinda wish away some clouds. He said if you concentrate real hard, basically, and "pretend" to see the energy fly out of your head and into the small cloud that you picked, you can make a cloud, small mind you, disappear. Now, I've gone outside and tried it on three occasions, two with Poncho, and once with Gay Matt. The first two times were outside on break at work with Sarah, I told her about the cloudbusting idea, and picked a cloud, showed her which one I was talking about, and looked up and thought nice thoughts and concentrated on cloudbusting about a minute or so later the cloud was gone... that was the first time... coincidence? You tell me. The second time was about the same with the same results... coincidence? uh... maybe. The third and last time I tried was with matt outside of dimes, we stood out on the balcony I told him about the same thing that I wrote here, and we tried it, I'll be damned if it worked again! Go out and try it tomorrow, and shroom me with your results. If that's all the learning you have to do to literally break up clouds, I can only imagine what a little more learning could do... Call me weird but I get into shit like that.

 Speaking of brain power (sorry to bore you), I may have come close to projecting me somewhere last night. I have no idea if it worked the right way or not but I know I felt weird. I tried to go to Europa (one of jupiter's moons) and I kinda saw what I think looked like Europa, but it could just be my mind doing some super-wandering. I never know. I next wanted to go to mars so i kinda traveled through space then saw fast blurbs of mars.

 There is an area in my workplace, that I have decided to call "Fart Alley." It is on the way to one of the inconvenient bathroom, and for some reason, walking down "Fart Alley" I have the tendency to cut the cheese quite often. I couldn't tell ya why... maybe cause it smells like beans through there, but I doubt it.

 I would like to bitch about something right now and I know that's nothing new, and I'm not blaming any of the people who frequent my site, but I have not received one single email from anyone or anything in like a week or some shit. That's messed up. Not one single one.

 My kick ass girlfriend, a.k.a. Sarah, Poncho, Upchuck, Baybeh, theres probably too many to list, is one of the two coolest chicks I know. Her and the dimelady are planning me this killer 21^st birthday party (which no one has shroomed me about) and it will be the best. Sarah is spoiling the hell outta me dammit... I know it already. So is dime, he rules too (don't look at me that way dime).

 My mother is the other coolest chick I know. I love my momma more than anything in the world. Sorry Poncho, you're number 2 or 3 only behind extremely tough competitors. :)

 Wouldn't it be weird if your body was made of regenerating swiss cheese? You could just take a bite out of yourself, then POOF! A whole new chunk of body would pop in where you ate.

 There's gonna be a wild shindig this evening, be there or uh... don't.

 I dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd aaahhhhhhh! What the hell?

 Let's see, the birthday weekend started off with a bang down at dime's place. Lot's of fun stuff going down there. I liked the death punch best. It was supposed to be hairy buffalo, but dime didn't have anything big enough to put it in so he dumped an entire bottle of Bacardi 151 into a punch bowl, tossed in some fruit and some juice maybe and that was it, people were drinkin cups of it, oh yeah then they puked haha.

 Ok, check out what sarah did for me for my birthday, she called me up and told me to go to the gas station across the street from my neighborhood at 4:30 and say to the guy "Hey my name is austin, it's my birthday, you got something for me?" Then she told me to follow the directions he gave me to a tee. At 4:30 I go to the gas station say my lines and the guy gives me a coke, a pack of cigarettes, a ten spot to put in my gas tank and a note with my name on the front. I read the note and it says go to a different gas station down the road and say the same thing. This place gives me a beautifully wrapped present and another note. I read the note and it says get on the highway get off in 3 or 4 exits and go to another gas station and say the same thing. I follow this and continue to get beautifully wrapped presents and more directions to the next gas station. At the last one, the people there decided to hide the present and note somewhere in the store, i finally found the stuff and it said go down the road take a right, then take a left, then a right into E.S. I go there and find out that E.S. is Embassy Suites... whoa! Right On! I had to go up to the front desk and say the same thing, they gave me another present and a note that said "Come on up baby! Rm. 426" WOW! I'll leave the rest of the time up to your imagination. Except dinner, dinner kicked big big ass. Everything else kicked ass too. It was a wonderful, wonderful weekend. I had so much fun, sarah is the queen of my heart.

 Today sucked.

 What in the hell is going on in this fucked up world? Please tell me this... beanie babies? A little bird told me that there was a beanie baby, who at the ripe age of 2 weeks old, was asked to "retire." I am 21 years old and I have like 96 years till I get to retire. Anyway the little bird told me Lizzy the Lizard is being sold on the damn shopping channel, it retired in January of this year, it costs you only $40.00. This little dumb ass stuffed animal thing has garage sale looking signs hanging all around town. They got all kinds of kids running around risking life and limb for these dolls. I know a couple little kids who, if I asked "if you had a thousand dollars, what would you do with it?" Would say "I'd go out and buy Sammy the Snail, he's the latest "retired" beanie baby." What? I'm sorry, what? With a thousand freakin' dollars you'd go out and buy one single silly beanie baby? Now I know these are little kids and all, but come on, when I was little, I woulda been like hook me up! I'monna get me a kick ass remote control car, a nintendo, about seventy games, and a killer bike! What the hell? It's a stuffed animal for the love of god. My cousin says "if I bought one I could keep it for a long time and they'll be more valuable." Sorry, no. It's a stuffed animal. Oh yeah, the little bird is my tv.

 I'm watching a show about natural disasters and showing people getting caught in storms and earthquakes and floods and shit like that. During the one of the floods, there was some fat dude walking around that was completely naked, some other dude running around in just his undies. Man, it really sucks to be you.

 I have noticed lately, as a sit out amongst a lot people in my work area, that when people are far away, and they don't want to say hey too loud, they kinda just mouth it, and it looks like they are kissing at me. Ya know like when your girlfriends kisses at you when your far away? Pay attention next time you see someone doing that at you and let me know what you think.

 I unfortunately heard news that freaks me out quite a bit (surprise). There apparently was building in Wichita Kansas that was evacuated, and the military took control of. The reason you ask? Something that was said to be Anthrax, no not the band, the crazy virus shit, was found in an envelope, inside the building. That means if it really was the virus, anyone it came in contact with, could quite likely be killed by the stuff. Why is there anything on this world, that is man made none the less, that has the power of anthrax, or any of the messed up biological warfare shit? Then I hear about some woman that got arrested for taking 100 letters filled with some sort of poison, to the post office. What the hell is going on here when this shit happens? When did the people go wrong? It's sad...

 Well kids lately, my paranoid self tells me it's coming soon, you'll know it when you see it, you won't be able to miss it. Yeehaa!

 I'm getting some brain power books!

 You may know of this girlfriend I have named Sarah, well this girlfriend apparently doesn't listen to me whenever I say something good and beneficial to her. Today I was standing around with Sarah, and my friend Herb (pronounced erb) and we were just joking around and on occasion Herb pretends to start beating up Sarah, I always laugh and it's over. Well today he pretends to swing at her and for perhaps the first time in my life I feel a violent streak run through my body and I say to Herb "I'd have to punch you back ya know?" Now I love the hell out of Sarah and would do nothing ever to harm her in anyway, but she didn't hear what I said and Herb said "Yeah he'd (referring to me) punch you in the back." My immediate response was to laugh like always. Well my darling dear (who also got some bad news today so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt) just basically stormed off. She didn't give me any time to explain what I said. The first time I've ever conceived the notion of punching one of my friends and she misses it. I love you soooooooooooo much Sarah and you know it, please don't get mad at me anymore when I laugh at funny stuff. Thanks baby.

 Me and the woman went boating over the weekend in Tennessee and boy was it fun. I'm pretty sure I saw a corpse lying on the side of the road. I'm also positive that I saw a fat old dead woman riding in the car next to us at one point. This is the kicker, as we drove down there we saw this car that looked from afar like it was cut in half, we got closer and it ended up being a bungee cord holding the trunk closed, anyway, the wacky part is on the way home a day later driving up the same highway we saw the same car. That's funky if you ask me.

 My girlfriend rules. I was pissed off today, but I had to work late so I couldn't buy beer, and she just happened to have 5 Miller Lites in her trunk. She let's me have them and even bring them to my house and put them in the freezer for me. That kicks ass. I'm drinking them now and they are like the best beers I've ever had.

 They got a new drug out on the market to do something to treat genital warts. It's called Aldara cream. You can use it to treat your warts down there. The only problem is common side effects are redness and itching and burning. Are these drug people ever gonna learn? Ok, what do genital warts do minus the cream... get redness, itchy, and burny. So pay these people like 15 bucks or more for this cream and you too can continue to have a red, itchy, burny sensation. Yeah... ok.

 I hear some baseballer hit some kinda home run a day or so ago.

 This is yet another feeble attempt to show the world how ridiculous it has become. Slither the Snake or some shit... $2,799 via the shopping channel. A bunch of stupid bears weighing in at approximately 1 pound 8 ounces. Beanie babies for god's sake... are they worth more than gold yet? Ridiculous.

 My brain books are still not here. Dammit.

 Pretty sure Talk Poop is my favorite show.

 Ok Scooby Doo is a pretty dumb show. Don't get me wrong, it's got good characters, and a good plot, for a single show. Perhaps they should have just made a Scooby Doo movie, with maybe a sequel or two. But, if ya seen one episode of the ole scooby show you have almost literally seen them all. Every time I watch the show it has the crew, being Scooby, Shaggy, Fred, Velma, and some other chick, get into some weird places, and always run through the fog, and somehow bust out some bad guy. The only episode that was any different was Scooby Doo vs. The Harlem Globetrotters... or was that Gilligans Island? Jenkies!

 Hey, do you remember that old school movie that has some dude called Norman in it? Ya know, mother and a hotel and a big creepy house? What's that called? Oh yeah Psycho! Thanks. Well they made a new one. Same story different people. This time they hired some carpet munching lesbian chick to play the woman that gets hacked up in the shower. Oops, I hope I didn't ruin the ending for you...

 How ass backwards is this? There is a commercial you may or may not have seen on tv that starts off showing some cowboy firing off guns or something. The announcer dude comes on and says "Kids get a lot of messages these days, how about we give them some good ones." After the guy says that they go on to show some crazy karate ninja guy kickin ass or something, they then show some other form of violence which my brain fails to recall right now. The announcer gets back on and says "blah blah blah The Beginners Bible!" How bass awkward is this? Leave it up to the bible people to contradict themselves once again. Show some violence on the Cartoon Network, say how it's bad that violence gets showed on the television, then advertise The Beginners Bible. I really don't understand today's Christians, WWJD stuff everywhere, and commercials against bad stuff, that show bad stuff on the commercials, I don't get it.

 I watch too much tele.

 My brain books are here! WooHoo!

 I have read some disturbing news this evening, my boy Alex Sandell, that writes The Juicy Cerebellum, has unfortunately died. If you have taken my advice and visited his site, you have seen that possibly the best and most entertaining writer on the web will be surely be missed. I still cannot believe it. Alex, where ever you may be, your views have made me open my eyes a little wider and see the world for what it is, thank you so very much.

 Correct me if I am wrong but this is ridiculous. Someone extremely dear to my heart and soul has recently found out that she has MS. Fortunately there are some new medicines on the market that can help keep your MS in remission. Unfortunately these medicines cost $1,000 a month. A THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS!! How in the world can anyone be expected to pay that insane amount of money just so they can stay healthy and functional? It blows my mind what doctors and medicine makers can get away with nowadays. Another fortunately is that the insurance covers the thousand bucks and she only has to pay like 10 bucks to get the treatment. I am glad to see that all the money I pay to my insurance company actually gets put to good use. I love you momma.

 I'm tired as hell of all this Clinton-Lewinsky shit. I could, and I think just about everyone else in the country, could care less about where he puts his wiener. It is none of our business where he has been. The woman says "well he is a role model for everyone in the country." To that I say sorry, but when the voters went into their little booths they surely didn't check off any box that said "I think Bill Clinton would be a good role model" No, they checked the box that said "Bill Clinton President of The United States of America" Someone that runs the country well has nothing to do with a role model. If you call your presidents role models, that's like saying blowing up some place on accident (which we never heard too much about thanks to this Lewinsky thing) is making a good example. That's what it sounds like to me at least.

 uh... dude's not dead, just fooling his worrisome readers.

 That's about it.

 I am really getting sick of the anti-smoking campaign being made by the world. I was just told by some famous chick, that I am out of control because I smoke. Here's what I tell you, famous chick, fuck off.

 I found out yesterday that abortion kills babies! How the hell about that? I drove past the infamous abortion clinic, and one lonesome man, who has nothing better to do than protest a woman's right to not give a baby the right to live possibly a horrible life. He was out there holding this big sign that said "Abortion Kills Babies." Now to me this says two things, one: everyone that has a car and drives past this clinic knows exactly what abortion is, two: no one really cares about people getting abortions anymore, which in my eyes is good.

 The dimelady seems to have lost every bit of music that we have ever made. That pretty much sucks. We started to make some really kick ass stuff lately, but now it's gone. Bummer dude.

 Uh....

 I am surprised that my girlfriend puts up with me, cause I am a punk. I have been pissy lately, I'm not real sure why but I think it's got to do with my job. Anyway, Sarah puts up with all my shit, and she always makes me smile. She is the one.

 Well kids, for the past 5 weeks, I have been playing softball on an actual team. It was kinda freaky. I don't usually consider myself a competitive team sports kinda guy, but I've always had this thing for playing baseball and softball. Mind you, I pretty much suck but I have fun. Anyway, I apparently saved my spinach for the last double-header of the year. I know that I am alright at softball, I know the rules and fundamentals of the game pretty well, but I continue to fuck up. Tonight I didn't do half bad, I hit a triple at one of my last at-bats, it was cool.

 The stars tonight kicked big ass. I had a perfect view of the moon and Orion from the driveway.

 Call me psychiatrist boy or some shit. I did something that I thought was very kind, over the weekend. If you really care email me and I'll tell you about it. I just wanted to write it here cause I usually don't do good things, so that's kinda weird.

 My friend Bob got married over the weekend and it kicked ass. It started off with the bachelor party on Friday, which meant we got to ride around and drink beers in the back of a fat limo. Then the wedding on Saturday was nice and short and the reception was all kinds of fun. Thank you Bob and Judy for your delightful wedding.

 Golf.

 I can fit 22, maybe 23, cheez-its in my mouth at one time, without chewing. It's pretty sick that I know that.

 What if we are an atom of ourselves? Ya know? Like just one hydrogen atom out there in anything we know here on earth. Imagine you're looking at an atom through a microscope or some shit and you actually good be looking at us and anything we know. That'd be nuts. You crush that atom and we crush.

 Uh... that's twice.

 My precious, precious pyrex contraption is now officially on the permanent disabled list. It rolled off my lap and onto my very hard floor. I tried to catch it but it just bounced off my hand, and hit the floor. I saw one piece go flying one way and the other fly the other way. Oh well. It was getting dirty anyway. Goodbye good friend.

 Oh yeah! Happy Halloween! Damnit... I just now remembered I wanted to write some spooky story to put up on the page for Halloween. I guess it's too late now. Maybe I'll write a spooky Thanksgiving one, if I can. Good luck.

 One of these days, and it won't surprise me at all, my entire bathroom wall it going to collapse. Ya know those tiles I've been talking about? Well the situation is just growing worse, there's already about 10 or so of the tiles missing, or in the toilet. The tiles just above the toilet are starting to buckle, that's bad news. I get scared when I have to take off the lid. One of these days it's gonna blow, and I will laugh like mad.

 Aah man! I'm getting jipped (I can't think of how that word is supposed to be spelled, help!). Maybe if you have no life like me you see these commercials too but I dunno. The commercials I am referring too, are the Buddy Lee ads that have been running. I really do not like most of the commercials on tv, but this one is good. Anywho, one of their commercials says something along the lines of "Buddy Lee grips onto something like something that uh grips onto to something really, really hard."! Damnit, I should money for that shit! I have said that fo ever and have not heard it ever until now. Damnit, it's mine! You guys suck.

 Today, I am going to walk under some ladders and find all the black cats I can and toss them in my path.

 I need an authentic suit from the 1940's and quick like. If someone has a cool, navy pinstripe suit and vest and pants, that would fit me, perhaps you could let me rent it from you. It's gotta get here before next Saturday, email me and i'll hook you up with info. Mobster style is cool.

 Possibly call me lectricity boy. This could be frightening.

 The thanksgiving festivities were especially uh...festive. I ate some turkey and some stuffing and some more turkey and some kick ass green bean casserole with the french onions on top and some pumpkin pie.

 Woohoo!!! Or so I thought. I may or may not have my photoshop back, which means better pictures on the other pages. I had it running for about 3 minutes and it just had some sort of error. I may be screwed again, or else I just have to get fast.

 I don't know if it has been mentioned or not but I have got to get a new keyboard. The enter button is not very functional, and I ripped the CAPS LOCK button off cause I was tired of hitting it.

 Oh yeah! The company Christmas party was this past saturday and boy was a yeehaa time. They had it in a Packard car "museum." They actually had it a big old car sales garage and the theme was the 1940's. It was the event that I needed the '40's style mobster style suit that I mentioned in #97. I luckily went to a few thrift stores to find suits that all looked like good old school gangster stuff, but I'd try it on and the sleeves of the jacket would come up to my elbows. I went to the last one and found a suit that almost fit, and I only paid 15 bucks for it. The suit was dark, dark grey, with white pinstripes, and it looked brand new. Me and the woman spent all day getting haircuts and hairjobs and getting all prettied up. We looked good. She wore a pink sequin dress and was absolutely beautiful. It was a good time.

 I think I am slowly but surely becoming illiterate or something. Almost every word I type out I misspell or add extra letters that I was thinking or something. I am cornfused.

 Do you ever think we will ever evolve enough and be advanced enough to have plungers growing out of our butt? I hope so!

 If you ever have the opportunity to watch "Speed Racer" that cartoon, don't take it.

 The window on my damn car is off the tracks again... yes again. You see, a while back the window on the car was apparently frozen in place. Also apparently the electric motor for the power windows is a bit stronger than the force of the ice or frost or whatever it may be. I hit the button to open the window to get some of the frost off and I hear it try to move then clunk and it goes down in a rather off line fashion, and dammit it has happened again. Right now when I gotta pay $200 to the apartment places (oh yeah! the woman and i are shackin' up,) i gotta give maw $170, i gotta get christmas presents, i gotta have money saved so i can move into the apartment in a less than a month, and now i gotta pay someone a trillion dollars to get my window fixed, and i gotta pay myself a nickel to stop bitching.