We gladly
accept your nominations for the
Gift Basket
From Hell. |
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STINKY STUFF,
NASTY FLAVORS
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very
possibly the most ridiculous product ever, ever, ever. (although it
was a close race with the thing that puffs chemical smoke in the air over
and over, apparently hypnotizing family members...) if you follow the above
link, you'll find a list of several different "stories" you need to check
on - each comprised of five "scents" (read: artificial chemical smells with
odd and decorative names - and we DO like the names) that "play" on a special
"player" (which you must also buy of course), and the cherry on top is the
celebrity sponsor - a woman described as "An artist [whose] vision applies
creativity and inventive thinking to every facet of life." (ever seen any
concert footage? this chick strikes her single, imagined thigh-minimizing
pose and, aside from tossing her head and carefully waving her arms, does
not move for an hour as she hoots and howls her songs which all sound the
same.) but after all, "Because the scents change every 30 minutes,
your nose never gets bored." yep, you Need this Now, America. also
see mark
morford's take on this appliance from hell.
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new stinky smells or funny flavornames I've
found since fall 2004 - I've made the effort not to duplicate any of the
gems archived below.
Bacon Chip with Cheese
(cookies for dogs)
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Oceania
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Angel Whispers
(... have a smell??)
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Spring Showers (ouch)
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Creamy Custard (this is a smell,
not a flavor - hmmm)
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Garden Bliss
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Refreshing Spa (eat it? smell
it? who knows?)
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Day at the Seashore
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Lightning Twist
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Pacific Surge (kinda poor taste,
huh?)
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Morning Fresh (as vs. Original
Fresh and Island Fresh, below)
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Sport (as vs. Pure Sport, below)
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Guess the Mystery Flavor (that's
what it says)
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Baking With Grandma (why not
actually, you know, bake something?)
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Clean Impact
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Empowermint (good one!)
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Fresh Meadow (no donkeyberries)
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Mountain Rain (as vs. all the
other kinds of rain, below)
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Donkeyberry Punch
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Lightning (deodorant! yow!)
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Warm Vanilla Sugar (soap - sounds
sticky)
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Sparkling Wave
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Fresh Charge
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Cool Charge
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Crisp Breeze
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Harmonization
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Holiday Traditions
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Holiday Celebrations
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Rush
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Waterfall Mist
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Light Breeze ("...will blow you
away")
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Clean Slate
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Cool Rush (apparently Cooler than
just Rush, above)
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Silver Ice
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Ocean Energy
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Morning Garden (far, far different
and better than any of the garden smells below)
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Spring Splash (byproduct of the
Spring Showers, above?)
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Fresh Rapids (there are very few
Stagnant Rapids, but o well)
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and
the amazing, unimaginable Ionic
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ALERT! HORRIBLE
NEW PRODUCT: A STINKY THING THAT HOLDS UP THE TOILET PAPER ROLL.
(scent: paradise breeze!
does this make you laugh,
too?)
AND NOW THEY URGE YOU TO
"FIND IT IN THE AIR CARE
AISLE!"
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| I've become interested in the not-of-this-earth
scents and flavors that american manufacturers feel are necessary to decorate
their unnecessary products with. even more fascinating and repellent
are the names given the awful chemical concoctions sending bad molecules
up your nose into your tender brain. I've started collecting them.
some of the names aaaaalllllmost mean something - they evoke an idea that
upon closer examination dissolves. but some are exhileratingly dizzy.
did this all
begin with ranch dressing?
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I THINK WE
HAVE ANOTHER CHAMPION WEIRD ONE HERE:
how about
the quite-nazi
Alpine Purity (tm)
and its
brother
Marine Purity (tm)
Another weird
ad line:
"Coming soon! New Intuition
Cucumber Melon"
RUN!!
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THANK YOU FELLOW CURMUDGEON
JG ("CATHY COOK") FOR THESE MYSTERIOUS (and REAL) SCENTS
arabian night (tm)
carmen's hat (tm)
dragon's blood
forest dew(tm)
good earth (tm) (and yuck)
havanna (sic)
blue
india moon (tm)
latin lover (tm) (say what?)
magic garden (tm)
matador (woo!)
misty mountain (tm)
mysteriosa
night queen
nirvana (tm) (smells like teen spirit, no doubt)
peace of mind (tm) ("tm"?)
polo crest (tm) (toothpaste for ponies?)
sensuality
sky
summer day (tm)
zen (tm)
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ATTENTION ATTENTION
- HERE'S ONE THAT RANKS (!) RIGHT UP THERE WITH "RANCH"
roasted ranchero
FOR SPEED FREAKS
impact (ouch)
peak ("peak?"
what does "peak" smell like?)
victory (smells
like cordite, blood and oil)
icy blast
extreme red rush
crazy berry bolt
overdrive
orange action (cheney's favorite)
island blast (bikini, perhaps?)
triple berry shock
electric blue raspberry
adrenalin
energy
energy rush
extreme blast
mountain rush
spring burst
thunder punch
WEATHER-THEMED
outdoor fresh (possibly related to "outdoor spring," see below)
soft ocean mist ("bring the relaxing experience of the beach home to your clothes"
- contains sand, perhaps? what does it smell like? never mind)
mystic rain (oh please!)
glistening snow
strawberry breeze
sunshine clean
fresh rain (as vs... ?)
sun fresh
after the rain
bright sky
gentle breeze
frost
meadow rain
orange breeze
outdoor spring
rainshower
raspberry rain
satin breeze
sunny days
cool shower
sunkissed breeze
SEASONS OF YOUR NOSE
sense of spring (?)
outdoor spring (not the ones in your bed?)
the smell of christmas®
spring burst
spring renewal
spring waterfall
spring water
summer berries
summer fresh
COLD-THEMED
cool & clean (get this:) ®!
cool wave
fresh charge
cool charge
icy blast
glacial falls
metallic ice (?)
tropical chill (huh?)
fresh snow
natural cool
arctic force
cool fusion
icy surge
frost
cool shower
SAY WHAT?
whisper (get
it? har har)
soft
linen sunshine (which they translate into spanish as "ropa blanca con rayas
de sol" - "white clothes with sunbeams" - even better)
amber and wild rose (amber has a smell? dead ants?)
vitamins
sea minerals
sun fresh
mountain fresh
holiday memories
tropical moment
healthy tropical sensation
(too much info)
italian-style wedding
country (yep,
just "country")
caribbean catch
outdoor (that's
right, just "outdoor")
straight
fresh baby
auto
fresh cotton
fresh paradise
fresh rush
fun nuggets
mud & bugs
powder fresh
powder pearls
pure sport
rockin' ranch
satin breeze
spa fresh
summer fresh
super pet
tropical satin
velvet powder
clean mountain
WATERY
sparkling waters(tm) (smells bubblier than tap water)
aqua reef
ocean
herbal springs
natural springs
pacific fresh
rainforest falls
rainforest fresh
sparkling ocean
spring waterfall
spring water
waterfall
whitewater fresh
cool shower
BOTANY BAY
floral escape (does not specity "to" or "from")
linen & cotton flower
(very abstract)
gardenia del mar
alpine spice
gentle blossoms (as vs. violent blossoms)
violet dazzle
botanical bliss
botanical silk
nature's silk
petal bliss
floral passion
floral fusion
silk blossom
EDIBLE FRIGHTS
shimmering citrus
pear illusion
peach shimmer
berry sparkle
citrus & tangerine (isn't tangerine already... oh, nevermind)
bubble fruit
glistening pear
shimmering pear
kissed peach (sic)
melon burst (messy)
orange breeze
radical apple
vanilla indulgence
BERRY SPECIAL SMELLS
berry fusion
berry picking (includes blood and skunks)
raspberry rain
summer berries
GARDEN OF STINKIN'
seaside garden (where little grows)
butterfly garden
country garden
dream garden
mystical garden
starlit garden
MOODS WITH A SMELL
pure sport
tranquility
original fresh (as vs island fresh, see below)
island fresh (more "jerk-y" than original fresh, above)
evening at home
floral passion (probably precedes floral escape, above)
perfect harmony
vanilla indulgence (unclear on the concept)
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BACK TO JUNGLEBOOK.ORG
|
THE
"AMERICANS WILL BUY ANYTHING" DEPARTMENT
|
now b. crocker actually makes SLOW
COOKER HELPER DINNER MIX. coming soon: shelf-stable boiling water
|
red lobster has a new (as of early 2005)
line of lobsterriffic entrees. among them: "lobster in paradise;"
"lobster crusted salmon" (I'd pay a dollar to see that); and the mysterious
"lobster chops." wouldn't you think a lobster - even a big old maine
lobster, which these are not not not - would have some mighty tiny chops?
even if boneless? perhaps it's all-you-can-eat lobster chops.
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headline from ad for nasty fake drink
mix crystal light, "sunrise classic orange flavor" - "You may never drink
orange juice again." well, not if crap like this kills you first.
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newish from imperial sugar: yes,
they've finally found a way to overpackage brown sugar by packing it in
pre-measured, non-recyclable one-cup containers, three to a non-recyclable
shrink-wrapped package - ever see how they package crisco now? that's
the model. do you know anyone who's afraid to touch brown sugar?
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jones soda's thanksgiving 2004 flavors
included turkey-and-gravy - this isn't loathesome, just funny
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please do not buy anything with a "ripeSense"
label - a package label with chemicals that change its color according to
the "ripeness" of the fruit inside, so the fruit can be packaged unripe
and untouchably in sealed plastic coffins. these will be used first
with pears, then avos, kiwi, mangos and melons. hey, we need to smell
the produce! don't try to sell us four of anything at a time! and
don't package stuff so we can't see it all!
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new preparation H "portable wipes."
as versus ... ?
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arm&hammer "enamel care" toothpaste
"with liquid calcium" makes a claim that it "fills in" stained enamel. now,
let's think. doesn't that seem to be, well, impossible? especially
once you've rinsed and spit?
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charming little disclaimer off in a
corner in 4-point type in a Land Rover ad: "Tread lightly. Drive
responsibly off-road."
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from nike: a wristwatch designed for "adventure
athletes" which features a "hydration timer that can be set for any interval."
yes, folks, it's a watch that tells you when to drink water. another
sign of the apocalyse.
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ok, this is indescribable, so you have
to go see it for yourself. be patient between the steps the little
frog is performing for you so you don't miss anything important. is
it truly necessary to teach toddlers that they need such a silly product?
go here and
press the "flushable toilet wipes" banner to the right of the frog.
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this whole "get comfortable with fish" thing
makes me uncomfortable.
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procter&gamble brand-saver coupon insert,
a page featuring cents-off coupons for toilet paper and two kinds of fabric
softener. large photo of a dad and young son cavorting in jammies
and towels. headline: "everyone smells nice, even the boys."
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oh
look! a new, nonrecyclable, non-reusable package for baby food!
STUPID!
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hey, are we americans yet? dude,
yer dog needs this - no,
he DESERVES it!
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a lovely little local ad that someone
paid good money to run in the chronicle. I detect non-pc typeface,
veiled insults to your intelligence and taste, denials of the quality and
value of the product, stupid punctuation abounding and ugly line breaks.
get yours today!
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another waste of energy, all the way from
the focus groups to the marketing campaign. a waste of food, if it were in fact food.
I don't know anyone bored enough to need this.
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ok, I don't get the associations here.
this is another one of those mystery
mascots. why? why? why? are they saying the
marines are twisted? are they saying it's twisted to like actual
fruit instead of candy? are they saying you have to eat this or go
to bootcamp? also note frightening flavor Tropical Storm (as vs. Desert
Storm I guess)
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Q. how come no one has named anything
Dessert Storm yet?
A. because no one can spell anymore and they don't get it.
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"New
Sauce for Dogs! I*MS Savory Sauce TM - Spoil Your Dog Healthy! 3
Irresistable Flavors!" an eleven-ounce squeeze bottle says it contains
"up to 20 servings." this is so absurd in just so many ways that I
won't even start. you're welcome.
is there actually an
Old Sauce for Dogs?
sorry, let us move on.
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See? See?
I'm really not the only one who feels this way. check out this terrific and funny column
by mark morford, As Satan Scrubbed My Toilet It's
a slew of new, disposable products that really scream "Screw the planet,
I'm an American!" Life is good
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New Toyota
headline: "How can you celebrate a national holiday without towing something?"
well, how indeed
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"Look for NEW Friskies® Hairball Treats!"
yuck.
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rhetorical question, I really
don't want to know - what's the difference between go-gurt and go-gurt
rush? (see frightening new flavors, left)
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this is not lunch - pepperoni-flavored sausage-like
item, american pasteurized processed cheese product stuff substance thingy,
pizza-flavored hydrogenated crackers, artificially-flavored and -colored
tropical punch sugar drink, and a reese's peanut butter cup. but it
IS an oskar mayer lunchables® brand lunch combinationsTM. and it
ain't cheap! do moms really give these to their kids?
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new from clorox - a whole new line of cleaning products
with teflon, which is probably just the addition your drinking water needed
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alarming new noxema tagline - "clarify beautify electrify"
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here comes the fourth of july
actual products
for sale just before the fourth of july 2003.
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even pets are not safe
just the thought
of these plug-in stinky things makes me crazy. but to have them especially
to inflict upon your poor pets? they promise to "reduce or completely
stop" behavior which includes "urination, defecation, barking, whining,
whimpering" in your dogs, and to help your cats "adjust to new environments,
new pets and new people." what is in this stuff - roofies? the
big problem I see here is the laughably bad photoshop compositing.
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frightening new twist on the easter bunny
ewww! it has
bunny ears, but the rest is a duck, or maybe a goose, with a pink, spiked
mohawk, a studded dog collar, a mean expression, a burst of gore exploding
from its neck... and the final touch, a nose ring. but it's a duck...
advertising bubble gum jelly beans. gotta be a sign of the apocalypse,
ducks with nose rings.
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don't go to sleep!
domestic violence,
medicating someone without their consent, very bad copywriting, and the
thrilling promise of no tiggling effect (sic). plus it looks like
a little fire extinguisher. yet another product to hide from the kids.
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buy me, I'm patriotic
marshall field and
anne klein say, support the economy (oops! nope, it's imported) and
dress yourself up like World Trade Center Barbie. a hundred and
fifty bucks.
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spiritual awakening
so this is what
it means to be... vegetarian? buddhist? on crack?
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traditional medicine
maybe chinese, maybe
jewish, maybe martian. I'm politely suspending disbelief until they
get to the "cola or fruit juices" part.
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for those in charge of caring for males
whatEVER this is
trying to say, it's insulting to EVERYbody.
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Deck
The Halls and Call the Maid: Unclear-on-the-Concept Holiday Decorating
Holiday
Baking: Too Dang Much Trouble. Further Unclear-on-the-Concept Holiday
Decorating
Bad
Copywriting Award (Ad Division) 2001
Deodorant
with Multiple Personality Disorder and Presumptuous Flavornames
(and check out the illustration
for "ambition" - what are we saying here?)
Doctor Knows Best
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BACK TO JUNGLEBOOK.ORG
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