accept your nominations for the
possibly the most ridiculous product ever, ever, ever. (although it
was a close race with the thing that puffs chemical smoke in the air over
and over, apparently hypnotizing family members...) if you follow the above
link, you'll find a list of several different "stories" you need to check
on - each comprised of five "scents" (read: artificial chemical smells with
odd and decorative names - and we DO like the names) that "play" on a special
"player" (which you must also buy of course), and the cherry on top is the
celebrity sponsor - a woman described as "An artist [whose] vision applies
creativity and inventive thinking to every facet of life." (ever seen any
concert footage? this chick strikes her single, imagined thigh-minimizing
pose and, aside from tossing her head and carefully waving her arms, does
not move for an hour as she hoots and howls her songs which all sound the
same.) but after all, "Because the scents change every 30 minutes,
your nose never gets bored." yep, you Need this Now, America. also
morford's take on this appliance from hell.
|new stinky smells or funny flavornames I've
found since fall 2004 - I've made the effort not to duplicate any of the
gems archived below.
|Bacon Chip with Cheese
(cookies for dogs)
(... have a smell??)
|Spring Showers (ouch)
|Creamy Custard (this is a smell,
not a flavor - hmmm)
|Refreshing Spa (eat it? smell
it? who knows?)
|Day at the Seashore
|Pacific Surge (kinda poor taste,
|Morning Fresh (as vs. Original
Fresh and Island Fresh, below)
|Sport (as vs. Pure Sport, below)
|Guess the Mystery Flavor (that's
what it says)
|Baking With Grandma (why not
actually, you know, bake something?)
|Empowermint (good one!)
|Fresh Meadow (no donkeyberries)
|Mountain Rain (as vs. all the
other kinds of rain, below)
|Lightning (deodorant! yow!)
|Warm Vanilla Sugar (soap - sounds
|Light Breeze ("...will blow you
|Cool Rush (apparently Cooler than
just Rush, above)
|Morning Garden (far, far different
and better than any of the garden smells below)
|Spring Splash (byproduct of the
Spring Showers, above?)
|Fresh Rapids (there are very few
Stagnant Rapids, but o well)
the amazing, unimaginable Ionic
NEW PRODUCT: A STINKY THING THAT HOLDS UP THE TOILET PAPER ROLL.
(scent: paradise breeze!
does this make you laugh,
AND NOW THEY URGE YOU TO
"FIND IT IN THE AIR CARE
| I've become interested in the not-of-this-earth
scents and flavors that american manufacturers feel are necessary to decorate
their unnecessary products with. even more fascinating and repellent
are the names given the awful chemical concoctions sending bad molecules
up your nose into your tender brain. I've started collecting them.
some of the names aaaaalllllmost mean something - they evoke an idea that
upon closer examination dissolves. but some are exhileratingly dizzy.
did this all
begin with ranch dressing?
I THINK WE
HAVE ANOTHER CHAMPION WEIRD ONE HERE:
Alpine Purity (tm)
Marine Purity (tm)
"Coming soon! New Intuition
THANK YOU FELLOW CURMUDGEON
JG ("CATHY COOK") FOR THESE MYSTERIOUS (and REAL) SCENTS
arabian night (tm)
carmen's hat (tm)
good earth (tm) (and yuck)
india moon (tm)
latin lover (tm) (say what?)
magic garden (tm)
misty mountain (tm)
nirvana (tm) (smells like teen spirit, no doubt)
peace of mind (tm) ("tm"?)
polo crest (tm) (toothpaste for ponies?)
summer day (tm)
- HERE'S ONE THAT RANKS (!) RIGHT UP THERE WITH "RANCH"
FOR SPEED FREAKS
what does "peak" smell like?)
like cordite, blood and oil)
extreme red rush
crazy berry bolt
orange action (cheney's favorite)
island blast (bikini, perhaps?)
triple berry shock
electric blue raspberry
outdoor fresh (possibly related to "outdoor spring," see below)
soft ocean mist ("bring the relaxing experience of the beach home to your clothes"
- contains sand, perhaps? what does it smell like? never mind)
mystic rain (oh please!)
fresh rain (as vs... ?)
after the rain
SEASONS OF YOUR NOSE
sense of spring (?)
outdoor spring (not the ones in your bed?)
the smell of christmas®
cool & clean (get this:) ®!
metallic ice (?)
tropical chill (huh?)
it? har har)
linen sunshine (which they translate into spanish as "ropa blanca con rayas
de sol" - "white clothes with sunbeams" - even better)
amber and wild rose (amber has a smell? dead ants?)
healthy tropical sensation
(too much info)
right, just "outdoor")
mud & bugs
sparkling waters(tm) (smells bubblier than tap water)
floral escape (does not specity "to" or "from")
linen & cotton flower
gardenia del mar
gentle blossoms (as vs. violent blossoms)
citrus & tangerine (isn't tangerine already... oh, nevermind)
kissed peach (sic)
melon burst (messy)
BERRY SPECIAL SMELLS
berry picking (includes blood and skunks)
GARDEN OF STINKIN'
seaside garden (where little grows)
MOODS WITH A SMELL
original fresh (as vs island fresh, see below)
island fresh (more "jerk-y" than original fresh, above)
evening at home
floral passion (probably precedes floral escape, above)
vanilla indulgence (unclear on the concept)
BACK TO JUNGLEBOOK.ORG
"AMERICANS WILL BUY ANYTHING" DEPARTMENT
|now b. crocker actually makes SLOW
COOKER HELPER DINNER MIX. coming soon: shelf-stable boiling water
|red lobster has a new (as of early 2005)
line of lobsterriffic entrees. among them: "lobster in paradise;"
"lobster crusted salmon" (I'd pay a dollar to see that); and the mysterious
"lobster chops." wouldn't you think a lobster - even a big old maine
lobster, which these are not not not - would have some mighty tiny chops?
even if boneless? perhaps it's all-you-can-eat lobster chops.
|headline from ad for nasty fake drink
mix crystal light, "sunrise classic orange flavor" - "You may never drink
orange juice again." well, not if crap like this kills you first.
|newish from imperial sugar: yes,
they've finally found a way to overpackage brown sugar by packing it in
pre-measured, non-recyclable one-cup containers, three to a non-recyclable
shrink-wrapped package - ever see how they package crisco now? that's
the model. do you know anyone who's afraid to touch brown sugar?
|jones soda's thanksgiving 2004 flavors
included turkey-and-gravy - this isn't loathesome, just funny
|please do not buy anything with a "ripeSense"
label - a package label with chemicals that change its color according to
the "ripeness" of the fruit inside, so the fruit can be packaged unripe
and untouchably in sealed plastic coffins. these will be used first
with pears, then avos, kiwi, mangos and melons. hey, we need to smell
the produce! don't try to sell us four of anything at a time! and
don't package stuff so we can't see it all!
|new preparation H "portable wipes."
as versus ... ?
|arm&hammer "enamel care" toothpaste
"with liquid calcium" makes a claim that it "fills in" stained enamel. now,
let's think. doesn't that seem to be, well, impossible? especially
once you've rinsed and spit?
|charming little disclaimer off in a
corner in 4-point type in a Land Rover ad: "Tread lightly. Drive
|from nike: a wristwatch designed for "adventure
athletes" which features a "hydration timer that can be set for any interval."
yes, folks, it's a watch that tells you when to drink water. another
sign of the apocalyse.
|ok, this is indescribable, so you have
to go see it for yourself. be patient between the steps the little
frog is performing for you so you don't miss anything important. is
it truly necessary to teach toddlers that they need such a silly product?
go here and
press the "flushable toilet wipes" banner to the right of the frog.
|this whole "get comfortable with fish" thing
makes me uncomfortable.
|procter&gamble brand-saver coupon insert,
a page featuring cents-off coupons for toilet paper and two kinds of fabric
softener. large photo of a dad and young son cavorting in jammies
and towels. headline: "everyone smells nice, even the boys."
look! a new, nonrecyclable, non-reusable package for baby food!
|hey, are we americans yet? dude,
yer dog needs this - no,
he DESERVES it!
|a lovely little local ad that someone
paid good money to run in the chronicle. I detect non-pc typeface,
veiled insults to your intelligence and taste, denials of the quality and
value of the product, stupid punctuation abounding and ugly line breaks.
get yours today!
|another waste of energy, all the way from
the focus groups to the marketing campaign. a waste of food, if it were in fact food.
I don't know anyone bored enough to need this.
|ok, I don't get the associations here.
this is another one of those mystery
mascots. why? why? why? are they saying the
marines are twisted? are they saying it's twisted to like actual
fruit instead of candy? are they saying you have to eat this or go
to bootcamp? also note frightening flavor Tropical Storm (as vs. Desert
Storm I guess)
|Q. how come no one has named anything
Dessert Storm yet?
A. because no one can spell anymore and they don't get it.
Sauce for Dogs! I*MS Savory Sauce TM - Spoil Your Dog Healthy! 3
Irresistable Flavors!" an eleven-ounce squeeze bottle says it contains
"up to 20 servings." this is so absurd in just so many ways that I
won't even start. you're welcome.
is there actually an
Old Sauce for Dogs?
sorry, let us move on.
I'm really not the only one who feels this way. check out this terrific and funny column
by mark morford, As Satan Scrubbed My Toilet It's
a slew of new, disposable products that really scream "Screw the planet,
I'm an American!" Life is good
headline: "How can you celebrate a national holiday without towing something?"
well, how indeed
|"Look for NEW Friskies® Hairball Treats!"
|rhetorical question, I really
don't want to know - what's the difference between go-gurt and go-gurt
rush? (see frightening new flavors, left)
|this is not lunch - pepperoni-flavored sausage-like
item, american pasteurized processed cheese product stuff substance thingy,
pizza-flavored hydrogenated crackers, artificially-flavored and -colored
tropical punch sugar drink, and a reese's peanut butter cup. but it
IS an oskar mayer lunchables® brand lunch combinationsTM. and it
ain't cheap! do moms really give these to their kids?
|new from clorox - a whole new line of cleaning products
with teflon, which is probably just the addition your drinking water needed
|alarming new noxema tagline - "clarify beautify electrify"
|here comes the fourth of july
for sale just before the fourth of july 2003.
|even pets are not safe
just the thought
of these plug-in stinky things makes me crazy. but to have them especially
to inflict upon your poor pets? they promise to "reduce or completely
stop" behavior which includes "urination, defecation, barking, whining,
whimpering" in your dogs, and to help your cats "adjust to new environments,
new pets and new people." what is in this stuff - roofies? the
big problem I see here is the laughably bad photoshop compositing.
|frightening new twist on the easter bunny
ewww! it has
bunny ears, but the rest is a duck, or maybe a goose, with a pink, spiked
mohawk, a studded dog collar, a mean expression, a burst of gore exploding
from its neck... and the final touch, a nose ring. but it's a duck...
advertising bubble gum jelly beans. gotta be a sign of the apocalypse,
ducks with nose rings.
|don't go to sleep!
medicating someone without their consent, very bad copywriting, and the
thrilling promise of no tiggling effect (sic). plus it looks like
a little fire extinguisher. yet another product to hide from the kids.
|buy me, I'm patriotic
marshall field and
anne klein say, support the economy (oops! nope, it's imported) and
dress yourself up like World Trade Center Barbie. a hundred and
so this is what
it means to be... vegetarian? buddhist? on crack?
maybe chinese, maybe
jewish, maybe martian. I'm politely suspending disbelief until they
get to the "cola or fruit juices" part.
|for those in charge of caring for males
whatEVER this is
trying to say, it's insulting to EVERYbody.
The Halls and Call the Maid: Unclear-on-the-Concept Holiday Decorating
Baking: Too Dang Much Trouble. Further Unclear-on-the-Concept Holiday
Copywriting Award (Ad Division) 2001
with Multiple Personality Disorder and Presumptuous Flavornames
(and check out the illustration
for "ambition" - what are we saying here?)
Doctor Knows Best
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