review de bbq by chefs cb and junglebook
>>>>> entire pork sandwich  on an actual plate at memphis minnie's  haight and steiner, san francisco january 16, 2004 (and never again)
	half of a superior pork sandwich on a crappy foam plate from johnson's barbeque san bruno avenue, san francisco april 30, 2004 (and subsequent visits) <<<<<

first, memphis minnie's, a VERY well-reviewed spot:

after a recent foray to robotspeak, the computer music store in the lower haight, we wanted lunch before setting out on our photo / sound walk.  right across the street was memphis minnie's bbq joint.  I had read several reviews of the place, including one by the füd court judges.  (note: they only post the "good" parts of this review at minnie's.)  plus, it's in the space formerly occupied by spaghetti western and several other eateries we each had frequented in our days of living in the neighborhood, separately and then together.  chef junglebook had actually performed in the place with the genuine diamelles, and I remember at least one fillmore four gig there, possibly with rich ferguson on his revolting plexiglass bongos.  ah, nostalgia.  so we went in.

the place smelled fine, which is important to me.  there's a counter on the left where you read the menu, look at the food and decide what you want, then order and pay.  the tea is "sweet" just as you'd expect, and it's real tea, too.  the seating is still as minimal as it's always been, with maybe a hair less room than in the 80s because of the ensuing zillion layers of paint on everything.  the bathroom is exactly the way you remember it.  nuff said.

we each had the "sweet smoked pork sandwich" and I had the single allowed side - I chose potato salad.  was that so wrong?  we got our drinks and sat down to wait.  there are a lot of pigs in the place.  they're fun to look at.  then the food comes.

folks, these are some miniscule sandwiches for $7 each.  this is the LOWER haight.  I mean, they're made on a little piece of a baguette - a good baguette, with the bread pulled out of the top, fresh and chewy.  but the narrow kind.  and did I mention short?  quite, quite short.  regrettably short.  however, the meat.  it's nice.  it's hella smoked, in-house they claim, and well-smoked too.  moist, but not at all wet.  unsauced, but not dry.  pretty dang salty, but delicious, and absolutely zero icky bits.  the sauces at memphis minnie's are optional.  they sit on the table in big old squeeze bottles, one reddish, one yellow and one dark brown.  the brown one says north carolina (I think) vinegar.  that's pretty much all it tastes like - vinegar.  the yellow one says it's south carolina (I think) mustard, and that's pretty much what it tastes like - mustard.  I could be wrong, but neither one of these tastes as if it's been cooked at all, just raw ingredients in a bottle.  the red one purports to be "texas red."  ho ho, that's a good one.  this tastes like it came from the indian oven around the corner on fillmore.  there's definitely an indian spicing to this one.  while it's interesting, it's not what I thought I was getting, and any of you who have eaten out with me remember what *that's* like.

and the potato salad.  a good healthy serving (like we paid for), but it was clearly made several days ago, a very odd color (the photo doesn't convey it), and has some weird-tasting stuff in it.  I didn't like it too much, but you have to have something to take the edge off the salty meat.  chef junglebook wants me to add that he didn't opt for any side at all, so his plate looked even balder than mine (believe me, we food-styled like crazy at the table to make this look its best).

you know, we didn't like this place too much and probably wouldn't go back.  bring back the great breakfasts made by interesting-looking characters who've been up all night at the stud.  there were lines of people waiting outside to get in back then, and it was worth it.  what home fries.  I guess we both still voted for brother-in-law's on divis - as do most of the reviews you'll read for minnie's - until we discovered johnson's (below). 

down the street where delta's depression dough used to be (rest her soul), there's a breakfast place called kate's kitchen.  I've read a bunch of good reviews of it, too, so maybe we'll check it out.  although no one will be able to match delta's plateful of fried dough with garlic, topped with a ladle of chili and a fistful of cheese....  we had that for breakfast right after the fire in 1989, and it made us feel comforted as we wandered in shock looking for a new place to live.  which we found, then time went by and now we are living happily ever after.

next, johnson's barbeque on san bruno ave in the beautiful portola district.

hooray!!

we've found a great barbeque palace, and it's right down the hill from us  - johnson's barbeque, 2646 san bruno, in san francisco's fabulous portola district.

we were out doing errands and decided to get some yummy lunch to take home.  we had walked by johnson's before and had marveled at the signs in the window - some handmade, all funky, advertising his "thermal nuclear" barbecue sauce and advising that "you can't beat my meat with no teeth."  when the place is closed, it looks like it might be closed forever - it has that same ultra-casual dirty-windows stuff-stacked-everywhere decor.  but go on in and sit at the counter or one of the couple or 3 tables.  the menu's on the wall.  there's a big colorful sign with the heat levels of the sauces - they go from "wimpy" to "snappy" to "fiery" (what we both got) to something else to "thermal nuclear" and lists all the different kinds of chiles he uses in them.  it's a truly impressive list.  next time we go back I'll take better notes and some photos.

for a baseline visit, we each got a "sandwich" for about $5, maybe $4.50.  if you eat barbeque, you know a "sandwich" really has nothing to do with a sandwich, it's a way to say "not as much as you get on the full dinner plate."  the sandwich comes with one of a choice of four sides - potato salad, coleslaw, greens or baked beans.  we chose beef (mr) and pork (mrs) and sat down to wait and chat with the other diners.  the lady at the counter told us she don't go for none-a that atomic stuff, she eats the fish.  johnson's serves three kinds of fish - snapper, catfish and buffalo fish.  she was eating buffalo, I think - I didn't recognize it.  but it looked perfectly fried - absolutely no grease and very crispy - a big portion, too.  half order (what she had) $6, full order (lots) $11. 

johnson's has ribs of beef and pork, links, brisket, chicken, and a bunch of other stuff.  it's rare for me to go into a barbeque place and have trouble deciding what I want.  at johnson's I saw too many things I wanted to try.  they even have a "sides sampler" with some of all the sides for $2 and an "all-meat sampler" for $9.50.  yee-haw!  also sweet potato pie or peach cobbler.  also tshirts with their mottoes on them (the one about beating his meat, and one that says, "I know you want some!").

our food came - a stack of containers a foot tall - and we dashed home.  it felt like the bag was heavy, but when we opened the containers we were still surprised.  we clearly had bought enough for two big meals for the two of us plus dessert (I couldn't resist the peach cobbler), all for $13.  I just love that. 

there was about a pound and a half of food in each container, maybe more, we couldn't fool around to weigh it.  the "sandwiches" were huge mounds of meat, extremely well-trimmed and chopped into shreds and shards and bits and bites, piled thickly and wide over an open hamburger bun (it took quite a while to even discover the hamburger bun) and drizzled with the sauce, not drowned.  the meat was unbelievable - perfectly smoked, no fat, no gristle, easy to eat, the sauce quietly generating btu.s as it soaked in.  I got potato salad (and got two enormous scoops) which was pretty good, very plain and basic and creamy, a fine foil to the sauce.  the mr. had fries - he ate them all but did not rave, perhaps he was too busy eating.  on subsequent visits, we've tried all the sides, and it's sad but really I must recommend that you think ahead and make your own potato salad or coleslaw (for cooling purposes) and something else like greens.  

the sauce we got, the medium-ish version, was perfect.  the heat was a mixture of a big smoky broad bottom note that might have been jalapeno and chipotle, and a short sharp high note that I associate with cayenne or thai chiles (all on the list of chiles).  it was just sweet enough, not too thick, dark red, and applied with a master's hand.  the burn started sharp and quickly mellowed to a good glow permeating every part of the mouth.  there was a small amount of top-of-the-head tingling but no forehead sweat.  we've found that since they give you enough for two meals on the sandwich, you can slowly heat the leaftovers up in the oven, the second bun half on the bottom of the pile of meat, and it crisps up so nice from being soaked in the sauce... which also gets hotter the second time around.

the peach cobbler was a nice idea but usually tastes like it's been hanging around for quite a while.  again, make your own.

so we're full, and happy, and not broke, and have a refrigerator full of leftover barbeque.  dang, is this america or what?  my america, anyhow.  salad for dinner!

johnson's barbeque - go there!