These answers come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. This is the science created by young scholars under pressure of time and grades.
The following announcements have appeared in various church bulletins.
These statements were filed on insurance forms as drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accidents in the fewest possible words.
Two well-dressed New York attorneys stopped in a bar in rural Mississippi. While they were drinking, a beeping sound permiated the quiet surroundings. One lawyer took a pen out of his pocket and looked at it. Then he explained to the curious patrons that his pen had a built in pager. Shortly a ringing sound broke the silence. The other laywer pressed a button on the brim of his hat and started talking. After the conversation he explained that he had a cellular phone built into his hat. After a while, Billy Joe Poteet, sitting down the bar a ways, cut a loud, rusty fart. "Somebody get me some paper," he said, "I've got a fax coming in."
Q: How many guys does it take to install a roll of toilet paper?
A: Nobody knows. It's never been observed.
These are from the New Yorker magazine competition where they asked competitors to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it.
Cyberspace jargon, from WIRED magazine
Edgar Allen Poe confronts a flaky disk drive.
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals roughly piled, and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line, I sought to save it one last time.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command,
And waited for the file to store - only this and nothing more.
Then at that flat panel peering, Long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept turning, churning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother. Save my data, and no
other!"
Just one thing the screen did render, message bold, but not so tender,
Only this and nothing more - just "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, and ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices, as the disk made scratching noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting ... baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, to make the choice of one from three,
Selecting from, "Abort, Retry, Ignore"?
With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, so lightly did I press a key.
But on the screen there still persisted - words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying to me one time more, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard; I pressed again, now twice as
hard.
I pleaded with that cursed demon, begged and cried, and then I swore.
Flailing now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, without thinking, winking nonsense I abhore,
Words that at my senses tore, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by mine own machine accosted.
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
Whereupon, a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, and it shook me to the core.
Lightning zapped my precious data, lost and gone forevermore.
Now in darkness - nothing more. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes?
But sure as there's a C and Basic, Microsoft, and many more,
You'll be someday left to wander, lost upon some dismal shore,
Beseeching fickle Gods of yore, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
This sworn declaration was filed by a lawyer as an eyewitness account of the senseless vandalism that took place on 24 December, last.
Whereas, on or about one night prior to the Christmas legal holiday, there did occur, at a certain piece of improved real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of movement by all creatures situated therein, including, but not limited to one or more rodents, herein cited as unnamed co-conspiritors.
A variety of footwear, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the fireplace in said House in response to knowledge and belief that a mysterious party known as St. Nick, a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") was known to be operating in the neighborhood.
The minor residents of the House were located in their individual beds and were engaged upon nocturnal somnambulistic hallucinations wherein visions of various confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did appear, cavort, dance, and otherwise participate in said dreaming.
Whereupon this Witness, being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with his legally married spouse, along with said spouse, had retired for purposes of a sustained period of sleep, clad, as they were, in various forms of headgear, including, but not limited to, kerchief and cap.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, (the lawn) a disruption of unknown nature, cause and circumstance. The Witness did immediately rush to a window of the House to investigate the cause of said disturbance.
At that time, the Witness did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh ("the Vehicle"), bearing no liscense plates or aircraft identification numbering, being drawn rapidly through the air by an assembly of approximately eight (8) reindeer (hereinafter "the Deer"). The driver of the Vehicle was a white male caucasian, 5 ft. 7 in., 220 pounds, with white hair and beard, wearing a red suit with white trim. He was later identified as the suspect, Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the Deer, and he specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that a ninth animal suspect named "Rudolph" may have been involved in these actions.
The Witness observed Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespassing upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus gained illegal entry into the House via the chimney.
Said Claus appeared clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the previously observed packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin and purpose.
The suspect was smoking a combustible leaf that appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant disregard of posted warnings and in violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the posted stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gift items. The transfer of these items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.
Upon completion of this act, Claus made an obscene gesture by touching the side of his nose with his finger. Following that, he flew, rose or otherwise ascended the chimney of the House, making good his escape to the roof where the Vehicle waited and the Deer were serving as "lookouts". Claus immediately and hastily departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from the vicinity of said House, the witness did hear Claus state, represent and/or declare as follows: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted,
s./ The Grinch, Esq.
The combination of modern physics and consumer protection laws leads to a new wave of product labeling.
NOTICE: Due To Its Mass, This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Object in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses Divided by the Square of the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. The Maunfacturer warrents that this product is to be used only as matter and will not be responsible for injury or damage if it is converted into energy.
HANDLE WITH CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Due to the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the User to know precisely and simultaneously where this product is located and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Remote Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Other Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damage or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS PRODUCT IS 100% MATTER: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. The Manufacturer cannot be held responsible for resulting injury or damages.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Aggregate Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Assumed Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to a state of "Warm Death" of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power, Therefore, Can Not Be Guaranteed Indefinitely. No resopnsibility is therefore assumed for the structural integrity of this product.
ATTENTION: Notwithstanding Any Listing of Product Contents Found Hereupon, the Consumer is Advised That This Product Actually Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: While the Manufacturer is Technically Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That, When Unobserved, This Product May Cease to Exist or May Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. Therefore all warrenties are in effect only while ths product is under the direct observation of a human being.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and Competitors' Claims to the Contrary are neither Justified nor Legitimate.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. The manufacturer cannot be held liable for injury or damage resulting from relativistic mass increase.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe, and its performance and suitability for any purpose, Cannot Be Guaranteed.
Everythng you always wanted to know about human faxuality, but were too bored to ask.
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax more often, many single people safely fax
complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and had to
write memos to each other until they were 21.
How old do you think someone should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you can learn the correct position
and procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Probably not, as far as I can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can pay to fax. Is this
legal?
A. Yes, it is. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and
must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes too great. Selling
fax has not been declared illegal at this time, although it is taxed.
Q. Should a cover be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover must be
used to ensure safe faxing.
Q. What happens when I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in
a long time.
Just start over (most people don't mind if you try again) and stay calm.
Q. I have a personal fax and a business fax. Can transmissions become
mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
each one, and be careful, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed
to.
What those speaker's comments at the end of the talk really mean
Phrase - Translation
It has long been known - I haven't bothered to look up the reference.
It is believed - I think so.
It is generally believed - A couple of other guys think so too.
It is not unreasonable to assume - If you believe this, you'll believe
anything.
Of great theoretical importance - I find it kind of interesting.
Of great practical importance - I can get some mileage out of it.
Typical results are shown - These are the best results I ever got.
Three samples were chosen for further study - The others didn't make sense,
so we ignored them.
The 4 hour sample was not studied - I dropped it on the floor.
The 4 hour determination may not be significant - I dropped it on the floor,
but scooped most of it up.
The significance of these results is as yet unclear - Look at the pretty
artifact.
It has not been possible to provide definitive answers - The experiment
was negative, but at least I can publish the data somewhere.
Correct within an order of magnitude - Totally Wrong.
It might be argued that - I have such a good answer for this objection
that I shall now raise it.
Much additional work will be required - This paper is not very good, but
neither are the others in this field.
These investigations proved highly rewarding - My grant is going to be
renewed.
I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of the data - X did the experiment and Y explained
it to me.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit, actually a solid fuel rocket, that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for takeoff from short airfields. He had driven his 1967 Chevy Impala out into the desert to a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO.
The operator of the Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds and continued at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds, taking the Chevy to speeds well in excess of 350 mph. The driver (soon to be pilot) most likely experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks using full afterburners, basically rendering him insignificant for the remainder of the brief but eventful flight.
The automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied (and melted) the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. It then went airborne for an additional 1.4 miles impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet and leaving a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable, but fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be part of the steering wheel.
On the insurance claim form I listed 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my accident at home. I am writing in response to your request for additional information. I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator, and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot antenna tower. By the time I had completed my work, I had, over the course of several trips, brought about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware up the tower. Rather than carry these tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items to the ground in a small barrel, using a rope and pulley attached to the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded up the side of the tower at a rapid rate of speed. At about the 40 foot level, I met the barrel, which was coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly by the impact, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of the pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and broke open, spilling the tools. Now without the tools, the barrel weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer again to my weight listed in block 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level I again met the barrel, which was coming up. This accounts for the fractured ankles and the lacerations of the legs and lower body. Fortunately, the encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools. Only three vertebra were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that, laying there on the tools, in pain and unable to move, watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.
This just in from the exciting International Yogi Competition
LHASA, TIBET - Employing the brash style that first brought him to prominence,
Sri Dhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi Competition
yesterday with a world-record point total of 873.6.
"I am the serenest!" Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of
20,000 yoga fans, vigorously pumping his fists. "No one is serener
than Sri Dhananjai Bikram-I am the greatest monk of all time!"
Bikram averaged 1.89 breaths a minute during the two-hour competition,
nearly 0.3 fewer than his nearest competitor, second-place finisher and
two-time champion Sri Salil "The Hammer" Gupta.
The heavily favored Gupta was upset after the loss. "I should be able to beat that guy with one lung tied behind me," Gupta said. "I'm beside myself right now, and I don't mean trans-bodily."
Bikram got off to a fast start at the Lhasa meet, which like most major competitions, is a six-event affair. In the first event, he attained total consciousness (TC) in just 2 minutes, 34 seconds, and set the tone for the rest of the meet by repeatedly shouting, "I'm blissful! You blissful?! I'm blissful!" to the other yogis.
Bikram, 33, burst onto the international yoga scene with a gold-mandala
performance at the 1994 Bhutan Invitational. At that competition he premiered
his aggressive style, at one point in the flexibility event sticking his
middle toes out at the other yogis. While no prohibition exists against
such behavior, according to Yoga League Commissioner Swami Prabhupada,
such behavior is generally considered "unBuddhalike."
"I don't care what the critics say," Bikram said. "Sri Bikram
is just gonna go out there and kick some yogi butt!"
Before the Bhutan meet, Bikram had never placed higher than fourth. Many said he had forsaken rigorous training for the celebrity status accorded by his Bhutan win, endorsing Nike's new line of prayer mats and supposedly dating the Hindu goddess Shakti. But his performance this week will regain for him the number one computer ranking and earn him new respect, as well as for his coach Mahananda Vasti, the controversial monk some have called Bikram's "guru."
"My special training diet for Bikram of one super-charged, carbo-loaded grain of rice per day was essential to his win," Vasti said.
The defeated Gupta denied that Bikram's taunting was a factor in his inability to attain TC. "I just wasn't myself today," Gupta commented. "I wasn't any self today. I was an egoless particle of the universal no-soul."
In the second event, flexibility, Bikram maintained the lead by supporting
himself on his index fingers for the entire 15 minutes while touching the
back of his skull to his lower spine. The feat was matched by Gupta, who
first used that position at the 1990 Tokyo Zen-Off.
"That's my meditative position of spiritual ecstasy, not his,"
remarked Gupta. "He stole my thunder."
Bikram denied the charge, saying, "Gupta's been talking like that
ever since he was a 3rd century Egyptian slave-owner."
Nevertheless, a strong showing by Gupta in the third event, the shotput, placed him within a lotus petal of the lead at the competition's halfway point.
But event number four, the contemplation of unanswerable riddles known as koans, proved the key to victory for Bikram. The koan had long been thought the weak point of his spiritual arsenal, but his response to today's riddle-"Show me the face you had before you were born "- was reportedly "extremely illuminative," according to Commissioner Prabhupada. While koan answers are kept secret from the public for fear of exposing the uninitiated multitudes to the terror of universal truth, insiders claim his answer had Prabhupada and the two other judges "highly enlightened."
With the event victory, Bikram built himself a nearly insurmountable lead, one he sustained through the yak-milk churn and breathing events to come away with the upset victory.