Ken Castleman's Internet Humor Page
A collection of wit and wonder from out yonder in cyberspace.
WEIRD SCIENCE (Inventive answers from young scholors)
These answers come from test papers and essays submitted
to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college
students around the world. This is the science created by young scholars
under pressure of time and grades.
- "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
- "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
- "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors
a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
- "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
- "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
- "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
- "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
- "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
- "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
- "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
- "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
- "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
- "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
- "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a
- "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
- "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
- "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
- "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
- "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five
- a, e, i, o, and u."
- "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
- "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors."
- "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
- "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."
- "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
- "The pistol of a flower is its only protection agenst insects."
- "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
- "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
- "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct
- "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
- "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
- "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until
the heart stops."
- "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artifical perspiration."
- "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead.
Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
- "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
- "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient
- "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
- "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops
in your throat."
- "Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects
on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
- "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
- "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
The following announcements have appeared in various church
- Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
- Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
- The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev, and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the Church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
- Wedensday the ladies liturgy will meet.
Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied
by the Pastor.
- Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the alter.
- The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation
will join in.
- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Traffic Accidents (It wasn't really
These statements were filed on insurance forms as drivers
attempted to summarize the details of their accidents in the fewest possible
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of it's
- I thought my window was down, but I found it wasn't when I put my head
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I hit a telephone pole.
- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I hit the
- My car legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
- I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found
I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrain had no idea which direction to run, so I ran him over.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
roof of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in
a ditch by some stray cows.
- A truck backed through my windshield, into my wife's face.
Two well-dressed New York attorneys stopped in a bar in rural Mississippi.
While they were drinking, a beeping sound permiated the quiet surroundings.
One lawyer took a pen out of his pocket and looked at it. Then he explained
to the curious patrons that his pen had a built in pager. Shortly a ringing
sound broke the silence. The other laywer pressed a button on the brim
of his hat and started talking. After the conversation he explained that
he had a cell phone built into his hat. After a while, Billy Joe Poteet,
sitting down the bar a ways, cut a loud, rusty fart. "Somebody get
me some paper," he said, "I've got a fax coming in."
Q: How many guys does it take to install a roll of toilet paper?
A: Nobody knows. It's never been observed.
These are from the New Yorker magazine competition where
they asked competitors to change one letter in a familiar
non-English phrase and redefine it.
- Harlez-vous francais? - (Can you drive a French motorcycle?)
- Ex post fucto - (Lost in the mail)
- Idios amigos - (We're some wild and crazy muchachos!)
- Veni, VIPi, vici - (I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered)
- Veni, vidi, vice - (I came, I saw, I partied)
- J'y suis, J'y pestes - (I can stay for the weekend)
- Cogito Eggo sum - (I think; therefore I am a waffle)
- Rigor Morris - (The cat is dead)
- Repondez s'il vous plaid - (Honk if you're Scots)
- Que sera, serf - (Life is feudal)
- Le roi est mort. Jive le roi - (The King is dead. No kidding.)
- Posh mortem - (Death styles of the rich and famous)
- Pro Bozo publico - (Support your local clown)
- Monage a trois - (I am three years old)
- Felix navidad - (Our cat has a boat)
- Haste cuisine - (French fast food)
- Quip pro quo - (A quick retort)
- Aloha oy! - (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should
- Mazel ton! - (Lots of luck)
- Apres Moe, le deluge - (Larry and Curly get rained on)
- Porte-Kochere - (Sacramental wine)
- Ich liebe rich - (I'm really crazy about having dough)
- Fui generis - (What's mine is mine)
- VISA la France - (Don't leave the chateau without it)
- Ca va sans dirt - (And that's not gossip)
- Merci rien - (Thanks for nothin')
- Amicus puriae - (Platonic friend)
- L'etat, c'est moo - (I'm Bossy around here)
- L'etat, c'est Moe - (All the world's a stooge)
- Konnichi-ma - (Hey, Mom! where's the Calamine lotion?)
- Fart accompli - (Excuse me, please, but at least it's over)
- Gindarme - (drunken French policeman)
- Mia culpa - (Woody Allen's problems are Ms. Farrow's fault)
- In vino geritas - (Iron-rich hangover cure)
- Ars est longa, sita brevis - (My butt is numb: can we stand up?)
- Pescha Nostrum - (patent medicine made from fish oil)
- In flogrante delicto - (S-M club motto)
- Cul-de-soc - (the part of the washing machine that eats footwear)
- Nun sequitur - (Irrational stalker of female religious)
- Sic transit Gloria mendi - (I tore my pants on the subway, Gloria,
can you sew them up?)
- Dramatis parsonae - (the cast of a clerical play)
- Chemin de far - (This train will take you all the way)
- Carpus delecti - (That's one dead fish!)
- In te, Domine, sporavi - (My faith is intermittent)
- Dominos vobiscum - (The pizza be with you)
- Pix vobiscum! - (May high-resolution images be with your monitor!)
Cyberspace jargon, from WIRED magazine
- 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message
"404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried
to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's totally
- Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers beginning
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere
are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
intended to solve.
- Alpha Geek - Nerd One, the most knowledgable, technically proficient
person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek
- Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when
their smart phones ring, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and speech halting in mid-sentence.
- Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. It occurs
when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise
or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed.
"Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
- Bookmark (verb) - To take note of a person for future reference
(a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing
his cool demo at Siggraph."
- Brain Fart - A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information
effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on
the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?"
(Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations).
- Career-Limiting Move (CLM) - Among microserfs, an ill-advised
activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious
- CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with the social
skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
- Chip Jewelry - A euphamism for old computers destined to be
scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand
for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
- Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated
for a long time. A dead web page.
- Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.
"I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this worthless crapplet!"
- Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a document published
in both paper and electronic forms. "The dead tree edition of the
- Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived
from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character
by Scott Adams."I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the
specs for the fourth time this week!"
- Domain Dropping - Giving your hippest E-mail address to impress
people, even if it's not where you normally pick up your mail. "He
gives out his MIT address, but he gets his mail on hotmail."
- Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction
triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I
just spent three hours surfing the Web, and all got was a bad case of Dorito
- Egosurfing - Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research
papers looking for the mention of your name.
- Elvis Year - The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney
the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
- It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a
feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience
that you prefer to gloss over.
- Glazing (corporate-speak) - Sleeping with your eyes open. A
popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't
he notice that half the room was glazing by his second viewgraph?"
- Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer
that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep
across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours,
thanks to that CAD rendering."
- Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
- Head Crash - The gibberish in a text file that results
from falling asleep at the keyboard.
- Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found
on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This
one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
- Link Rot - The process by which links on a web page become obsolete
as the sites they're connected to die or change location.
- Marketroid - A member of a company's marketing department, esp.
one who promises users that the next version of a product will have features
that are not actually scheduled for inclusion, are extremely difficult
to implement, and/or are in violation of the laws of physics; one who describes
existing features (and misfeatures) in ebullient, buzzword-laden adspeak.
- Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's
rules of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. Earthlink put me under
- NASCII Art - Porno images rendered in simple ASCII text.
- Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
- Plug-and-Play - A new-hire who doesn't need any training. "That
new programmer is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
- QWERTY Face - The impression a keyboard leaves on your cheek
when you fall asleep at your computer. "John's project must be behind
schedule. He came in with a bad case of QWERTY face this morning."
- Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed in the end.
- Tetwrist - A repetitive strain injury acquired after extended
play of addictive puzzle games like Tetris.
- Tourists - People who are taking training classes only to get
a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in
the class; the rest were tourists."
- Toy Value - Useless geegaws in a program or product. "These
animation screens may have toy value, but they slow the program down to
- World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.
Edgar Allen Poe confronts a flaky disk drive.
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals roughly piled, and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line, I sought to save it one last time.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command,
And waited for the file to store - only this and nothing more.
Then at that flat panel peering, Long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept turning, churning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother. Save my data, and no
Just one thing the screen did render, message bold, but not so tender,
Only this and nothing more - just "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, and ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices, as the disk made scratching noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting ... baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, to make the choice of one from three,
Selecting from, "Abort, Retry, Ignore"?
With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, so lightly did I press a key.
But on the screen there still persisted - words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying to me one time more, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard; I pressed again, now twice as hard.
I pleaded with that cursed demon, begged and cried, and then I swore.
Flailing now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, without thinking, winking nonsense I abhore,
Words that at my senses tore, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by mine own machine accosted.
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
Whereupon, a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, and it shook me to the core.
Lightning zapped my precious data, lost and gone forevermore.
Now in darkness - nothing more. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes?
But sure as there's a C and Basic, Microsoft, and many more,
You'll be someday left to wander, lost upon some dismal shore,
Beseeching fickle Gods of yore, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (Legally Speaking)
This sworn declaration was filed by a lawyer as an eyewitness
account of the senseless vandalism that took place on 24 December, last.
Whereas, on or about one night prior to the Christmas legal holiday,
there did occur, at a certain piece of improved real property (hereinafter
"the House") a general lack of movement by all creatures situated
therein, including, but not limited to one or more rodents, herein cited
as unnamed co-conspiritors.
A variety of footwear, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the fireplace in said House in response to knowledge and
belief that a mysterious party known as St. Nick, a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter
"Claus") was known to be operating a questionable business activity
in the neighborhood.
The minor residents of the House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged upon nocturnal somnambulistic hallucinations wherein visions
of various confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies,
nuts and/or sugar plums, did appear, cavort, dance, and otherwise participate
in said dreaming.
Whereupon this Witness, being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House
with his legally married spouse, along with said spouse, had retired for
purposes of a sustained period of sleep, clad, as they were, in various
forms of headgear, including, but not limited to, kerchief and cap.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, (the
lawn) a disruption of unknown nature, cause and circumstance. The Witness
did immediately rush to a window of the House to investigate the cause
of said disturbance.
At that time, the Witness did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or
disbelief, a miniature sleigh ("the Vehicle"), bearing no liscense
plates or aircraft identification numbering, being drawn rapidly through
the air by an assembly of approximately eight (8) reindeer (hereinafter
"the Deer"). The driver of the Vehicle was a white male caucasian,
5 ft. 7 in., 220 pounds, with white hair and beard, wearing a red suit with white
trim. He was later identified by reliable witnesses as the suspect, Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the Deer, and he specifically identified the animal co-conspirators
by name, to wit: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen.
Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that a ninth animal
suspect named "Rudolph" may have been involved in these actions.
The Witness observed Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer intentionally
and willfully trespassing upon the roofs of several residences located
adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle
was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin
or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, express or
implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus gained illegal entry
into the House via the chimney.
Said Claus appeared clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the previously observed packages, toys, and other items of unknown
origin and purpose.
The suspect was smoking a combustible leaf that appeared to be tobacco
in a small pipe in blatant disregard of posted warnings and in violation
of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the posted stockings
of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gift items. The transfer of these items did not, however, constitute
"gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions
of the U.S. Tax Code.
Upon completion of this act, Claus made an obscene gesture by touching
the side of his nose with his finger. Following that, he flew, rose or
otherwise ascended the chimney of the House, making good his escape to
the roof where the Vehicle waited and the Deer were serving as "lookouts".
Claus immediately and hastily departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
the vicinity of said House, the witness did hear Claus state, represent
and/or declare as follows: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good
night!" or words to that effect.
s./ The Grinch, Esq.
Physics Consumer Product Warnings
The combination of modern physics and consumer protection
laws leads to a new wave of product labeling.
Caution: Due To Its Mass, This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Object in the universe, Including
the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product
of the Masses Divided by the Square of the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of
85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. The Maunfacturer warrents
that this product is to be used only as matter and will not be responsible
for injury or damage if it is converted into energy.
HANDLE WITH CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles
CONSUMER NOTICE: Due to the "Uncertainty Principle," it is
impossible for the User to know precisely and simultaneously where this
product is located and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Remote Chance That, Through a Process
Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Other Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible
for Any Damage or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions
of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product
May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS PRODUCT IS 100% MATTER: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
The Manufacturer cannot be held responsible for resulting injury or damages.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Aggregate Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Assumed Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to a state of "Warm Death" of the
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and
Whose Adhesive Power, Therefore, Can Not Be Guaranteed Indefinitely. No
resopnsibility is therefore assumed for the structural integrity of this
ATTENTION: Notwithstanding Any Listing of Product Contents Found Hereupon,
the Consumer is Advised That This Product Actually Consists of 99.9999999999%
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: While the Manufacturer is Technically
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional, the Consumer Is
Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled
Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That, When Unobserved,
This Product May Cease to Exist or May Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
State. Therefore all warrenties are in effect only while ths product is
under the direct observation of a human being.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and Competitors'
Claims to the Contrary are neither Justified nor Accurate.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to
the User. The manufacturer cannot be held liable for injury or damage resulting
from relativistic mass increase.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space.
Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product
in That Universe, and its performance and suitability for any purpose,
Cannot Be Guaranteed.
A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
What those speaker's comments at the end of the talk really
Phrase - Translation
It has long been known - I haven't bothered to look up the reference.
It is believed - I think so.
It is generally believed - A couple of other guys think so too.
It is not unreasonable to assume - If you believe this, you'll believe
Of great theoretical importance - I find it kind of interesting.
Of great practical importance - I can get some mileage out of it.
Typical results are shown - These are the best results I ever got.
Three samples were chosen for further study - The others didn't make sense,
so we ignored them.
The 4 hour sample was not studied - I dropped it on the floor.
The 4 hour determination may not be significant - I dropped it on the floor,
but scooped most of it up.
The significance of these results is as yet unclear - Look at the pretty
It has not been possible to provide definitive answers - The experiment
was negative, but at least I can publish the data somewhere.
Correct within an order of magnitude - Totally Wrong.
It might be argued that - I have such a good answer for this objection
that I shall now raise it.
Much additional work will be required - This paper is not very good, but
neither are the others in this field.
These investigations proved highly rewarding - My grant is going to be
I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of the data - X did the experiment and Y explained
it to me.
Proof That The Gene Pool Needs More Chlorine
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport
hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in
the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer
cans off each other's heads.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed
its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the
job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that 25 workers suffered minor injuries
in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and
one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair
while watching the film.
The Chico, California City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within the city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by
the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded
the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be
copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds by
a worker who confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and so had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect eventually confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to
hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call
the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
A Los Angeles man who later said he "just got tired of walking,"
stole a steamroller and led police on a hot 5 mph chase until an officer
stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
The "Darwin Award" is an annual honor given to the person
who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow
who was killed by a Coke machine when it toppled over on him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car,
unidentifiable at the scene. The boys at the lab finally figured out what
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take
Off) unit, actually a solid fuel rocket, that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for takeoff from short airfields.
He had driven his 1967 Chevy Impala out into the desert to a long, straight
stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up
some speed and fired off the JATO.
The operator of the Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately
3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched
and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would
have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds and continued at full power
for an additional 20-25 seconds, taking the Chevy to speeds well in excess
of 350 mph. The driver (soon to be pilot) most likely experienced G-forces
usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks using full afterburners, basically
rendering him insignificant for the remainder of the brief but eventful
The automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20)
seconds before the driver applied (and melted) the brakes, blowing the
tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. It then went
airborne for an additional 1.4 miles impacting the cliff face at a height
of 125 feet and leaving a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable, but fingernail and bone
shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be part of the steering
Letter to the Insurance Company:
On the insurance claim form I listed 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my
accident at home. I am writing in response to your request for additional
information. I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator, and on the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the top section of my new 80 foot antenna tower. By the time I
had completed my work, I had, over the course of several trips, brought
about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware up the tower. Rather than
carry these tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items
to the ground in a small barrel, using a rope and pulley attached to the
top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded
the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground
and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
300 pounds of tools. You will note in block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
up the side of the tower at a rapid rate of speed. At about the 40 foot
level, I met the barrel, which was coming down. This explains the fractured
skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly by the impact, I continued
my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold onto the rope in spite of the pain. At approximately the same time,
however, the barrel hit the ground and broke open, spilling the tools.
Now without the tools, the barrel weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer
again to my weight listed in block 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level I again met the barrel, which was
coming up. This accounts for the fractured ankles and the lacerations of
the legs and lower body. Fortunately, the encounter with the barrel slowed
me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools. Only
three vertebra were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that, laying
there on the tools, in pain and unable to move, watching the empty barrel
80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.