Sex Instructions for Men

1. NOT KISSING FIRST

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like

you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out

nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

 

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference

between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on

your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

 

3. NOT SHAVING

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake

repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from

side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

 

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST.

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their

hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

 

5. BITING HER NIPPLES.

Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to

deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand

up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is

good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

 

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like

you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole

breasts, not just the exclamation points.

 

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and

the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far

too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them

some attention.

 

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and

underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn

things off.

 

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT

Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it you store it.

 

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of

the clitoris.

 

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK

Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet

back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all

costs numb jaw or not.

 

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with

a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's

toy.

 

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy Pulling the material up

between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

 

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps they still believe that the

vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying

to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're

not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more

attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently

slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

 

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood.

Hands and fingertips are okay elbows and knees are not.

 

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward

getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

 

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST

A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

 

18) GOING TOO FAST

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is

pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly -line

worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean straight,

regular thrusts.

 

19) GOING TOO HARD

If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain

is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

 

20) COMING TOO SOON

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her

eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

 

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a

sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy

some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while

you're playing Marathon Man.

 

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME

You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really

don't know, don't ask.

 

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there,

and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

 

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN

Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis hoping that it will lead

very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from

being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use

yours; try talking seductively to her.

 

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When

she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's

necessary.

 

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio You just lie there. And

don't grab her head.

 

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES

In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real

life, it just means more laundry to do.

 

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the

hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like

the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

 

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If

you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an

excuse.

 

30) TAKING PICTURES

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "to show

my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

 

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH

Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on

her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props;

hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

 

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.

There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

 

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian

gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with

snapped hamstrings.

 

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a

prostate. Women don't.

 

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if

you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty

scarves for weeks on end.

 

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.

Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone It's not a big turn-on.

 

37) TALKING DIRTY.

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she

likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

 

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might

even do the same for you.

 

39) SQUASHING HER.

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she

will turn blue.

 

40) THANKING HER.

Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.