1. NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like
you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out
nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference
between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on
your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from
side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their
hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5. BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to
deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand
up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is
good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like
you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole
breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and
the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far
too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and
underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet
back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all
costs numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with
a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy Pulling the material up
between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps they still believe that the
vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying
to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're
not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently
slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood.
Hands and fingertips are okay elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward
getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is
pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly -line
worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean straight,
19) GOING TOO HARD
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain
is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her
eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a
sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy
some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while
you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really
don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there,
and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis hoping that it will lead
very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from
being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use
yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When
she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio You just lie there. And
don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real
life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the
hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like
the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If
you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an
30) TAKING PICTURES
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "to show
my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on
her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props;
hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a
prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if
you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she
likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might
even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she
will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.