Breakfast was an awkward affair.
They glanced at each other surreptitiously throughout the meal, but nary a word was said.
Jean-Luc Picard buttered a croissant, but had no appetite for it. Beverly Crusher did the same with hers, but set it down after a moment. They took to staring at their coffee cups, rather than at each other. The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, Beverly threw her knife down on her plate. The sound of the knife clattering on the plate echoed like an explosion in the painfully silent room. Jean-Luc jerked back to the here and now, away from his thoughts, thoughts that had plagued him all night long and made for a distressingly sleepless night.
"So are we going to sit here like statues all morning, or are you going to talk to me?" Beverly fumed.
Jean-Luc recovered from his surprise. His voice, low and quiet, sent chills up her spine. "What would you have me say, Beverly?"
"Anything would be preferable to this damning silence you've been affecting this morning. You could try something like 'Good morning, Beverly.' That would be a good start." The sarcasm in her tone cut him like a knife.
"You seem to have forgotten that I did say good morning to you. Perhaps your mind is elsewhere."
A blaze of anger began to grow in her eyes. Directed at him, he felt it all the way across the table. "Like back on KesPrytt? Jean-Luc, let it go! What's done is done." Why was he doing this?, her mind screamed. Had she hurt him that much last night? Had her saying no to his offer to fully explore their feelings ruined their friendship more than saying yes would have?
He rose from the table. His voice dropped even lower,
to that deadly tone that came about only when he was thoroughly furious. "It is not
done, Beverly. It never will be." With that, he exited the room, leaving her sitting
in his quarters, shaking with disbelief, and wondering just what he had meant by that
parting comment.
=/\=
They had pretty much managed to avoid each other since the morning of
that fateful breakfast. Aside from the occasional encounter on the bridge
and at staff meetings, they mutually decided that distance would be best. However, they
didn't know that they needed not distance, but to talk heart
to heart and get the entire matter completely out in the open. So instead, it festered
within, a wound in their souls. Neither could tolerate it.
The door chime sounded in his ready room. Picard barely looked up from his viewscreen. "Come." The doors parted, and Beverly walked in the room purposefully. He kept his eyes carefully trained on the screen before him, but his heart was pounding in his chest. "Can I help you, Doctor?"
She took a deep breath. "Yes, as a matter of fact, you can. You can start by looking at me, instead of that screen." He pushed it away and turned in his chair to face her. Her piercing blue eyes bored into him, and his heart began to pound ever harder.
"What is it?" he asked, his voice thick. But even as the words left his mouth, he knew.
"I thought maybe we should talk. I don't know about you, but this past week has been pretty hard on me. I miss you, Jean-Luc." She gave him a slight smile. He returned it.
"I've missed you as well, Beverly." But her words, spoken in a candlelit room, came echoing back to him. 'Or perhaps we should be afraid...' The hurt and the sadness washed over him anew.
She saw the change in his facial expression immediately. "Jean-Luc?" Just like that, she saw the almost visible walls he constructed come up, and she sighed in frustration. "Why can't you just let it go, Jean-Luc? Why?"
His answer, while spoken quietly, was like a slap in the face. "Because I've let it go for twenty five years, and I just can't do it anymore."
Before she could respond, he continued. "If I knew that you didn't feel the same way about me as I do about you, perhaps I could let it go. But I heard your thoughts, Beverly. You love me, as I love you. I've loved you since the moment I met you, and I'll never stop. You know that; you heard my thoughts just as clearly. But, somehow, it just isn't enough for you, is it? Once again, you followed me to the edge; and, once again, you backed off at the last moment. I know you're scared. So am I. But if I can get over it, why can't you?" He sat back and crossed his arms, watching her.
Beverly didn't know what to say. That something that always held her back, always stopped her just before she let go, snapped her back into place again. Scared? She was terrified. She wanted him, but just couldn't take that final step. He saw her decision in her face before she even put it in words. "I just can't, Jean-Luc," she whispered.
He nodded, and his stone captain's mask slipped back into place. "If that is everything, Doctor, I really do have some work to do." He turned his screen back and studied it intently, as she stalked out of the ready room.
After she left, he stared blankly at the viewscreen,
not really seeing it. In its reflection, a single tear could be seen rolling down his
face, a tear that was shared by the woman who had just walked out of his ready room . . .
and his life.
=/\=
The Enterprise had become a
tomb for those who walked her corridors. The gloom that had pervaded the ship since the
mission to KesPrytt grew
worse with each day. The source of that gloom could be traced to the ship's captain, whose
demeanor had grown cold, whose temper had become one easily
stoked into an inferno; and to the ship's Chief Medical Officer, whose bedside manner and
temperament had so deteriorated that the crew avoided
sickbay for everything short of terminal injuries.
The captain was, as seemed to be standard these days,
ensconced in the sanctuary of his ready room when Counselor Deanna Troi walked onto the
bridge at the beginning of her shift. Commander Will Riker was seated in the command
chair, staring glumly at the main viewscreen. She sat down next to
him, and studied him a moment. The general feeling on the bridge was one of faint despair,
from those who had grown weary of shouldering burdens that
weren't their own. She suddenly stood and headed for the turbolift, saying, in voice that
carried clearly through the bridge, "That's it. If no one else is going to get to the
bottom of this, I will."
A few minutes later, she strode into Dr. Crusher's office. "You're going to tell me what's going on, Beverly, and I don't care if I have to lock you in here to do it."
Beverly barely afforded her a glance. "Hello to you, too, Deanna." Deanna grabbed a padd out of the doctor's hand and slammed it on the desk with a vehemence that surprised them both. Beverly opened her mouth to speak. "What gives you the right - "
Deanna cut her off. "Everyone on this ship is miserable, thanks to you and the captain. Now you're going to talk to me and tell me why. If you don't, I'll declare you mentally unfit for duty, in which case I'd have to do a complete psychological work-up, and I assure you, I am very thorough. Make your choice."
Beverly stared at her, astounded. Deanna, to the best of her knowledge, had never resorted to threats like this. It did nothing for her temper, which was already rising. "Why don't you talk to the captain? I'm sure he could shed some light on this," Beverly spat.
Deanna crossed her arms firmly across her chest. "Why don't you talk to the captain?" The sudden lance of emotion that flowed through Beverly confirmed Deanna's suspicions. "Unless, of course, talking to the captain is what started this whole mess." Beverly sat there fuming for a moment, until she noticed the tears that were freely flowing down her face. Then she broke down.
"He just couldn't leave it alone! He'll never let me forget it!" Beverly cried out, anguished. Deanna pulled up a chair and sat, ready to listen.
And so the entire story of KesPrytt poured out. About Jean-Luc's confession that he had been in love with her. The words he spoke that denied that he still did, at the same time his mind contradicted him. About her confirmation of their friendship, one that they both cherished. And about later, as he fell asleep, the dreams of his that she saw, in which she relived every touch she had bestowed upon him, every word she had spoken, magnified by his passionate recollections, and wishes for more. And most of all, how, at the Prytt border, as they stood on opposite sides of a force field, they had both said "I love you" in their minds.
She further recounted the night after they returned, that fateful dinner where he had offered her the opportunity to explore their newfound feelings, and her rejection. She had thought he had taken it well, but in truth, she hurt him deeply, a hurt she was only now beginning to realize as one as deep as her own.
Deanna saw before her a woman torn, and beyond, and man
in as much pain, but both too stubborn to end it. No two people belonged together more
than Jean-Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher, and everyone realized it but them.
=/\=
"Captain's Log, stardate 47352.7. The Enterprise
has been dispatched to Corallux V on a mission of mercy. Following a series of terrorist
bombings, the planet's leaders have called on the Federation for emergency assistance. Our
medical staff is mobilizing for the disaster, but due to the unusual makeup of the
atmosphere, will be limited to shuttlecraft transporters below the atmosphere.
"While the medical staff is working at the bomb sites, I will be shuttling down to meet with the planet's leader, President Mieyrt, and her council."
Captain Picard thumbed off the log recorder and swore under his breath. Great, he thought. I am in no mood to be diplomatic to anyone, least of all the leader of another world. Of course, he had to admit to himself, he wasn't in the mood for much of anything these days. The thought angered him. Of course, everything seemed to anger him lately, too. These thoughts did nothing for his already sour disposition.
"Riker to Captain Picard."
Picard sighed and slapped his communicator. "What." It was said in a virtual monotone, no trace of inflection.
On the bridge, Commander Riker winced slightly. Damn if that man couldn't at least try to be civil. "We're in orbit around Corallux, Captain. I thought you'd like to be notified."
Jean-Luc muttered something unintelligible, then spat out, "Fine. I'll be right there." As soon as the link was cut, Picard's head dropped until his chin rested on his chest. Merde. It's a wonder they haven't all transferred off the ship by now. I'd better shape up, and fast, he chided himself.
Upon entering the bridge, he made an attempt at a smile. "I apologize, Number One. I snapped at you, and I shouldn't have."
Riker nodded. "Accepted, sir." However, Will couldn't help but think that, if Picard and Dr. Crusher were at least speaking to each other, the captain wouldn't need to do all the apologizing he seemed to be doing lately. Rather than saying that, and incurring the captain's easily-inspired wrath, he instead said, "President Mieyrt is expecting you and the medical teams shortly. Dr. Crusher and her teams are standing by in Shuttlebay Two."
Picard pulled on his tunic. "Very well. You have the bridge, Commander." With that, he headed for the shuttlebay, his mood already improving. Perhaps some time off the ship was what he needed, he thought.
His mood took a sudden spiral downward a few minutes
later when he entered the shuttlebay and saw the shuttle assignments. He and Dr. Crusher
were assigned the same one.
*A few hours later*
"Alpha shuttle returning - ETA five minutes, Doctor."
Dr. Crusher tapped her comm badge. "We'll be
expecting you in Triage Center Two, Alpha shuttle. Crusher out." All in all,
things had run pretty smoothly. While casualties had been heavy, the Enterprise
team had coordinated beautifully with the Corallans, and the medical effort was going
well. Shuttles were bringing casualties to the triage centers at staggered rates, allowing
the combined medical staffs to treat victims and release them, making room for a new
group. After the rush of the first two hours, things were starting to slow down a bit.
Suddenly, a call came in. "Bravo shuttle to Crusher!" Crusher tapped her communicator, concerned. "Crusher here. What's wrong, Bravo shuttle?"
The pilot's panicked voice came over the channel. "We have a medical emergency, Doctor! You're needed at once! Alpha shuttle will pick you up as soon as they arrive!" The comm signal was then cut off. Crusher set out at a run for the shuttle landing pad.
Two minutes later, the medical complex exploded.
=/\=
The explosion rocked the building. Captain Picard grabbed on to a
nearby table to steady himself. President Mieyrt ran to the nearest communications
terminal, while her staff checked to make sure everyone else in the building was all
right. Mieyrt returned a minute later, ashen. "Captain Picard. . .The medical complex
has just been bombed. Reports are just coming in, but it is feared that the casualties are
heavy. The whole complex is. . .gone." Her voice shook as she said the words.
The first thought that went through the captain's mind was,
Beverly. Beverly was at the medical complex. . . He dropped into a chair,
feeling his legs about to give out on him.
The president put a hand on his arm. "Captain. .
.my most heartfelt regrets at the loss of your crew." He didn't hear the words. His
comm badge
sounded.
"Enterprise to Captain Picard. Are you all right, Captain?" It was Riker's voice, clearly concerned.
No, he was not all right. He was dying inside.
"Picard here, Commander. We're apparently undamaged here. Any word from the medical complex?" His voice betrayed his anxiousness.
Will Riker heaved a weary sigh. "Sir, there is no medical complex. It's. . .gone."
Picard's eyes squeezed shut. "And Dr. Crusher?" He could barely get the words out.
"Nothing, Captain. No communications, or anything else, from two kilometers around the bomb sight."
"Commander, alert the shuttlecraft I'm returning. I'll organize the search from here." He had to know for himself if his Beverly was really gone. And this was the only way he could.
"You will, Captain? Respectfully, sir, I think- "
"I don't care what you think, Commander! I have to do this! Picard out." He severed the connection viciously, and strode purposefully to the waiting shuttle.
As the shuttle was lifting off, the government building
exploded.
*Ten minutes later*
Alpha shuttle landed a few kilometers from the bombed out medical
complex. The hatch opened, and Dr. Crusher stepped out, looking down into the valley and
gasping in shock. The medical complex, where she had been only minutes before, was
completely gone.
Just before the explosion, Alpha shuttle had swung over the complex and beamed Crusher aboard, not wanting to take the time to land. Just as they had gotten airborne, the bomb had gone off.
Just then, the pilot, Ensign Sanders, poked his head out the entryway. "Doctor," he said, looking shaken. "There's something coming over the information channels I think you need to see." He stepped aside and made room for her to re-enter the shuttle.
As she sat down in the co-pilot's seat, Ensign Sanders activated the viewer, and horrific pictures of the medical complex and another building were shown. The broadcaster's voice filled the cabin. "Only a few minutes ago, both the Corallux Medical Center and the Government Building were completely destroyed by terrorist bombs. The medical center had been hosting a contingent of Starfleet Medical officers who were here to help aid in the medical effort. The Government Building was the site of a conference between President Mieyrt and the Ruling Council, and the captain of the USS Enterprise, Captain Jean-Luc Picard. The remains of the residents of both sites are presumably still in the rubble - "
Beverly was no longer listening. Ensign Sanders quietly turned off the broadcast and walked outside, sensing that the doctor would need some time to collect herself.
Jean-Luc, she thought. Not another one, please God, not another. . . The thought of losing the only other man she had loved in her life was intolerable.
At that moment, even breathing hurt.
"Enterprise to Alpha shuttle. Repeat: Enterprise to Alpha shuttle."
The call pierced through her grief-filled thoughts. She numbly touched the comm button and whispered, "This is Dr. Crusher, Enterprise."
A brief gleeful whoop could be heard in the background on the Enterprise. "Dr. Crusher, are you all right? We thought you'd been killed in the medical complex!" Will Riker's joy in hearing from her was evident.
She managed a wan smile. "We had just cleared the landing site when the explosion occurred. We just barely escaped." Then, before Will could say anything else, she quickly asked, "Have you heard from the captain?" How she desperately wished he would say yes.
But, he didn't. Riker sighed slightly. "No, we haven't. And for the same reason we can't use the transporters, we're having trouble tracking comm badges. His hasn't registered yet. But," he hurriedly added, "we are making every effort. We'll contact you if we find anything."
Brushing away the hot tears of frustration that were streaming down her face, she quickly muttered, "Crusher out," and vehemently stabbed at the comm panel, closing the channel.
Back on the Enterprise, Will Riker strode back to the science station, where Data was hard at work tracking comm badge signals. "Anything, Data?"
The android shook his head resignedly, in a decidedly
human manner. "No, sir. However, Commander LaForge is working on augmenting the
sensors
for a finer resolution. But they will not be ready for a while yet."
Riker nodded. "All right. Keep me apprised." Data turned back to the console, and Riker walked down and sat in the command chair, saying a silent prayer that the seat should not permanently become his at the end of this mission.
=/\=
Captain Picard swung low over the smoldering remains of
the medical complex, and shook his head at the devastation. He tried to keep the thought
that Beverly could possibly be a part of the smoking rubble out of his mind. Unable to see
anything, he finally broke his self-imposed silence. "Picard to Enterprise"
Will Riker sat up straighter in his seat. Did he dare to hope? "Enterprise
here. Go ahead. Captain Picard?"
Picard heard the concern and relief in Riker's voice. He belatedly realized he should have reported in a lot earlier. "Yes, Number One. Have you heard from Dr. Crusher?" Straight to the point.
Riker relaxed back in the chair. "It's good to hear from you, sir. We thought that you had been in the government building when it exploded. And yes, we spoke to Dr. Crusher just a few minutes ago. She's fine, and we've been tracking her shuttle. She's headed back to the main landing area, where they're starting to set up a triage area."
Picard could hardly keep the grin off his face. Relief flooded his voice. "Acknowledged, Commander. And, thank you." He closed the connection.
Riker smiled. He had one more duty to perform. "Riker to Alpha shuttle. Dr. Crusher?"
A pause. Then, a weary, "Crusher here. Go ahead."
Will's grin widened. "Just thought you'd like to know, Doctor, that we just spoke to Captain Picard. He's alive and well, and headed for you at the landing area."
A thousand thoughts were going through Beverly's mind. But the most prominent one was He's alive, he's safe, and he's on his way. . . She quickly thanked Riker and stared out the window at the rapidly approaching landing pad. Hang on, Jean-Luc. Just a few more minutes. . .
=/\=
All Enterprise shuttlecraft had been dispatched to Corallux to search for survivors. And indeed, there were survivors. All were being brought to the main landing area on Corallux, just outside the capitol city. The center of the landing area was being used for shuttles, while the rest was organized as a triage area in place of the Medical Center. Dr. Crusher was directing Corallan and Enterprise medical teams, somehow managing to perform her duties and still look around every few minutes, searching for someone.
Captain Picard landed in the center of the triage area and left the shuttle, eagerly looking around. Suddenly, he spotted a familiar splash of red and blue.
Across a crowded landing pad, their eyes met.
Heedless of the people that got in his way, Jean-Luc shoved his way through the crowd. Beverly likewise did the same.
They met in the middle of the landing pad, running into
each other's arms like a pair of star-crossed lovers separated by oceans and deserts and
years, just like in the movies. Jean-Luc held her so tight he thought both of them would
break ribs. She had never felt anything so welcome. At the same moment, they both began
sobbing. But these were tears of joy.
*Two days later*
The medical ships Salk and Brazleton
arrived and took over the medical operation on Corallux. All but four of the Enterprise
crew were accounted for, the four having perished in the medical complex explosion. The
ship left orbit and warped on to her next mission: shore leave on Risa.
Between all the briefings, reports, and conversations with Starfleet, Jean-Luc and Beverly had seen little of each other, or anyone else, since their joyful reunion and return to the ship.
But the reports were all filed, the briefings
completed, Starfleet satisfied, and the beleaguered crew of the starship Enterprise
were now enjoying a quiet trip. And finally, the captain and Chief Medical Officer had
time for dinner.
"Come." Jean-Luc stood as the door opened, and Beverly Crusher entered the room. They smiled at each other shyly.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi," he replied. Then they grinned again. He walked over to the meticulously laid out table and pulled out her chair for her, pushing it back in after she had sat. After uncovering the dishes and pouring the wine, he sat as well, and they shared a quiet meal, and the only conversation that took place was what their eyes communicated in stolen glances across the table.
Finally, the agony of eating was over and they retired to the couch. There, they exchanged another shy smile. He took her hands in his and squeezed them. "I'm sorry," they both said at the same time. He gestured for her to continue. She looked down at their joined hands, then up at his face, and those gentle hazel eyes she loved so much. Beverly took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry I blew up at you like I did. That night, when you made that. . .offer, I was scared. More than scared. I was terrified. I didn't want to lose you as a friend, by making that friendship into something more. But, our experiences over the last few days have made me realize that, by furthering our relationship, I won't lose a friend, and I'll gain so much more. That we'll gain so much more."
Jean-Luc smiled at her, his heart about to burst with joy at what she said. He had waited over twenty years to hear her say that, and he wasn't going to pass it up now. "Beverly, I'm sorry I pushed you like I did. But I hope you realize that, when you've loved someone as long as I've loved you, you tend to get a little impatient."
She slid a hand out of his grasp and reached up, running her fingertips down his cheek. He leaned toward her touch, and grazed the palm of her hand with his lips. "I love you, Jean-Luc Picard. I have for a very long time. And, somehow, I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you."
To prove it, her hand circled the back of his head, and he let her other hand go, and pulled her against him. Their lips met for a first, tentative kiss, and then for a second, more exploratory one.
And so began a lifetime together of new discoveries.