Jean-Luc stared at the closed doors of his quarters, now feeling as though the very walls were closing in on him. She'd left, just like that. He'd offered her his heart, and she threw it back at him. With a muttered curse, he stormed out of his rooms, determined to find her.
He didn't bother to knock. The doors to her quarters slid open with his
command override, the light from the corridor illuminating the darkened rooms.
"Beverly?"
He saw a bit of movement out of the corner of his eye, and finally made out her huddled form on the couch. He saw her eyes flash in the low light, and he stepped all the way in, plunging them into darkness. "What do you want, Jean-Luc?" she asked, her voice tinged with sorrow. He sat down next to her, and suddenly wasn't sure what to do next. She shifted, curling up even tighter into her protective ball. She didn't seem to care that he hadn't answered her question. Now, she only wanted him to go away and leave her to her misery.
She jumped when she felt his warm, slightly trembling hand on her leg. "Beverly, I just wanted... I just came to find out..." His voice broke off, unsure of how to continue. "Damn," he said quietly, exasperated with himself. "I'm sorry. I'll go."
Her fingers linking with his stopped him, surprising him into remaining still. "You want to know why I left, don't you?" she said with a low sigh.
He waited, motionless, hardly daring to breathe. Her hand squeezed his, as if to soften what he perceived as the coming blow. "Jean-Luc, I left because you scare the hell out of me." He was thankful that the darkness hid his puzzled look, and he waited for her to continue.
"You're Captain Jean-Luc Picard. You don't bat an eye at going off on some dangerous mission. You think it's fun, a challenge. You take risks all the time with your life. You never stop to realize that there are always people being left behind when you do, people that care about you. People that love you. People that are terrified you're not going to come back in one piece. I left, I said we should be afraid, because I am afraid. Afraid that if I let myself get too close, allow myself to fall even more deeply in love with you, the time will come when fate stops smiling on you, and you're the one in the drawer in my sickbay."
He wasn't sure whether to be angry or sad. Did she really believe he thought so little of himself that he willingly put himself in danger?
He wasn't aware when he began to speak. The truth, which had stayed
hidden for so long, came tumbling out, word by painful word. "And I'm afraid
you're right... That I don't care enough, that I don't think about the repercussions of my
actions. I don't, and I seldom have. I've never had a reason, because no one ever cared
enough. I've never been important enough to someone to give anything I do much
thought."
He slid his hand away from her, needing to be alone, as alone as he could be with her in the room with him. She sensed him isolating himself from her again, and moved so that she could slip her arm around his tense shoulders. "You're important enough now, Jean-Luc. When you can accept that, I'll still be here," she said, gently.
He was silent for a moment, and then she could feel him nod his head. Without another word, he got up and left. Beverly stared at the door for a long time, and, for the first time, felt a shred of fear melt away.