Welcome to

A page of puns, parodies, bloopers and other language laughs!

This site is always

UNDER CONSTRUCTION
So please check back often!

Do you love wordplay? Do malapropisms and misplaced modifiers send you into uncontrollable fits of laughter? Are you personally insulted when someone declares, "A pun is the lowest form of humor"? Tell those ignoramuses (ignorami?) to go home and watch their Three Stooges movies. We word weenies know better!

My goal for this page is not only to share my own love of language humor and my attempts to create it, but to provide a place for my fellow word weenies to share theirs. I welcome additions to any category, suggestions for new categories (Spoonerisms, anyone? How about anagrams?) and links to other fun-with-language sites. Click here for important information and an e-mail link.

OK, let's have some fun!

Tom Swifties and Croakers: Tom Swifties are those all-too-appropriate juxtapositions of action and adverb, as in "We have to move fast," said Tom swiftly. Croakers are Tom's shirttail cousins, which have the pun in the verb. They're named after the most famous one: "I'm dying," he croaked.

Misunderstood lyrics: Today's mushmouthed musicians can be hard to understand, with uproarious results!

Sign language bloopers: Every language has its malapropisms, including American Sign Language. This is a collection of true anecdotes about how the wrong sign led to giggles and red faces!

News Goofs: "Teacher strikes idle kids." "Red tape holds up new bridge." "Carter plans swell deficit." Hilarious headlines and other oopsies.

Miscellaneous silliness.
 
 

Cool links for word weenies (more to come)

Richard Lederer's Verbivore: He's Attila the Pun! He's Conan the Grammarian! He's king of the word weenies, and he's one of my heroes! Don't miss his language links page!

The Slot: For serious word weenies only! This is the creation of Bill Walsh, a newspaper copy editor by trade with strong opinions on the proper use of Associated Press style, etc. And those opinions are delivered with a healthy sense of humor. Check out the Sharp Points!

Jim's Page. A very literate site all about words and the weirdness thereof.
 
 
 


(an example of real low humor)

Hit me with your best wordplay! Click here for guidelines.
 
 


 

Tom Swifties and Croakers

These are all original as far as I know. If you've seen one somewhere before, that's because someone out there thinks like me (scary concept!)

Swifties:

"I finished my apprenticeship," he said extraneously.
"Trump runs this place like some kind of Russian monarch," he said sardonically.
"That's one of those women from the teahouse," he said sagaciously.
"Your girlfriend, Teresa, is on the line," she said esoterically.
"His Honor is insane," he said judgmentally.
"I made those changes you wanted to the plans, sir," he said respectfully.
"The register is clogged with dog hair!" she said fervently.
"The appetizer choices are minestrone and tuna salad," he said superficially.
"I'll have the minestrone; I've given up seafood," she said officiously.
"My addiction to eBay will be the death of me," she said morbidly.
"Kenneth was like a brother to me," he said brokenly.
"My pen pal is in a French women's prison," he said laconically.
"I ate too much of that kangaroo steak," he said ruefully.
"We don't pray at the table in this house," she said gracelessly.
"I need a loaner while my wedding band is being repaired," she said despairingly.
"I charge by the stanza," he said perversely.
"This is my second trip to the bog," she said repeatedly.
"I gave him another loan, but it was smaller than the first one," he said relentlessly.
"We'll have our evening meal after the boat docks," she said supportively.
"My shift was canceled," she said unstintingly.
"I sentence the prisoner to death in the electric chair," he said concurrently.
"They got the patient's heart started again," he said repulsively.
"He may be a drunkard, but he's smart," she said quixotically.
"They hauled that former Kelly Girl before the judge," he said extemporaneously.
"Timothy can't control his impulses," she said timidly.
"I am NOT drunk; jusht watch me leave that Chryshler in the dusht," he said passionately.
"Edward, why don't you stop by and let me take your picture?" she said composedly.
"I've become a Rastafarian; what do you think of my hairdo?" he said dreadfully.
"You're asking for trouble if you camp in that ragged old thing," she said portentously.
"I'd have made the high honor roll except for that B in my 11th-period class," she said tenaciously.
"What is your wish, Master?" he said genially.
"Can't another masseuse work on that Steinem woman today?" she said miserably.
"I hoped you behaved yourself on 'Romper Room,' " she said dubiously.
(N.B.: To get this one, you need to know Boston):
"Everybody in the North End thinks that Garson woman was a lousy actress," he said disagreeably.

Send us yours!

Croakers:

"It's a breath mint!" he asserted.
"This conifer specimen should be planted between trees N and P," he opined.
"Alabama, Alaska, California ..." he stated.
"I'd like to order an extra-supportive mattress," he affirmed.
"Can we make another search?" she requested.
"I'm filing for worker's compensation," he claimed.
"It's not quite good enough to receive an N," he orated.
" ... get it!" she commanded.
"I wasn't this attractive before the surgery," she explained.
"I did so make another cake!" she retorted.
"You have to understand the significance of the crow's call," he commented.
"I've given up my religion," he decreed.
"Ms. Bloom, Ms. Danes, you're both fired!" he declared.
"Let me tell you how I lost weight," she expounded.
"That lawn was planted with prison labor," he conceded.
"The prisoner holds the key to solving the mystery," he concluded.
"So what you're saying is, you want to wear your mink coat," he inferred.
"Someone wrecked my beautiful new Swedish car!" she sobbed.
"Hey, y'all, I'm down here! In this valley!" he hollered.
"The stool sample j-just slipped off the counter," she faltered.
"I love 'All Quiet on the Western Front,' " he remarked.
"Someday President Roosevelt will return from the dead," he theorized.
"The unknown in this equation is how many apples he swallowed whole," he excoriated.

Send us yours!

Like these? Click here for more Tom Swifties and Croakers collections!

Misunderstood Lyrics

Kissthisguy.com is the best mondegreen site on the Web.

Amiright.com is updated daily! Click on "new entries" for the latest.

Send us yours and we'll build our own mondegreen page!


Sign Language Bloopers

These are true stories from Deaf World Web in response to a request for folks' most embarrassing moments. Names have been withheld to protect the guilty. Warning: Most are PG-13!

Actually, this first one isn't from DWW; it happened to me. I was attending an ASL program in which we put on skits. In one skit, my part called for me to sign, "I need to sit down." The interpreter/teacher watching dress rehearsal misread my sign for "need" as the sign for "toilet." She came up to me and asked, "What was that about - sit on the toilet?" I was laughing so hard I was afraid I wouldn't be able to deliver the line! Fortunately, nervousness won out over silliness!

I was eating dinner with a group of Deaf friends, and we were talking (in ASL) about what we did during the day. One man asked one of my hearing friends, who was still learning ASL, "What did you do today?" She thought she answered, "I gave three people work today", but she really said, "I gave three people sex today", but she didn't know it :) I had to tell her. Later on, my hearing friend told the same man that she was, "Really hungry", and asked him if he wanted to go get some more food, or so she thought!! She really said that she was, "Really horny"! of course, the deaf man said he would go with her :) I had to chase after them and clear things up. We were all pretty embarrassed, but I'm sure my friend wanted to die!!!

When I was in college, I helped to interpret at a local church. I was very new to interpreting . This one time, I was asked to interpret the announcements and the song service. Someone else took over for interpreting the sermon. I made it all the way through the announcements and the song service thinking I hadn't done too badly for once!! At the end of the service, a deaf man came up to me, with a good sense of humor, and told me that instead of saying that there had been 6 people baptised in the morning service, I had said there were 6 people who had died in the morning service!! Boy was I embarassed!!

I was a participant in a two-day seminar. (The leader) broke everyone down into groups to work on their signs, and most of the parents of hard-of-hearing kids were in one group. We all know each other's kids, so we're pretty comfortable with each other. One sentence we were to practice was, "Let's go to lunch." Well, our group of five or six parents were diligently signing, "Let's go to lunch," when (the seminar leader) hurriedly came over and told us, "Stop! Please! That's wrong!" Evidently, we had been signing, "Let's go to lesbians" rather than "lunch". Our kids' interpreters STILL haven't let us live this one down!

My sign language teacher got up to interpret in her college class and she was telling a story about a man who got up early and went running. She (used the wrong sign) thus saying a man got up naked and went running. The whole class busted out into laughter.

I have been teaching myself sign for a while. When I was smaller, I introduced myself to a deaf group. When it came time to say the formal "Nice to meet you," I accidently brought up my middle finger along with my index finger. Instead of saying what I meant to, I said "Nice to f*** you." I felt very humiliated and immediately apologized when I realized what happened.

Got one? Send it in!

News Goofs

These two are from Yahoo! News.

Concorde bodies found; eyes on black box
(eeewww!)

Dead stars may be "missing mass"
(and Sunday school and High Holy Day services, too, no doubt)

Laurel D. saw this one on CNN.com:

Bush wastes little time exercising presidential duties
(Her comment: "Brilliant, just brilliant.")

My buddy Jake found this in a Reuters story on abuse of prescription drugs:

"Abusers face short-term health risks such as sudden death."

And from The New York Times, on the selection of Dick Cheney as George W. Bush's running mate:

Looking for a perfect fit,
Bush finds it in Dad's Cabinet
(Hey, Bar, Junior's stuck in the cabinet again!)

This bunch has appeared all over the Net. We need some fresh ones. Check your local paper and send us some!

    1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert says
    2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
    4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
    7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    8.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    9.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
   10.Eye Drops off Shelf
   11.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
   12.Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
   13.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
   14.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
   15.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
   16.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
   17.Miners Refuse to Work After Death
   18.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
   19.Stolen Painting Found By Tree
   20.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
   21.Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
   22.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
   23.Drunken Driver Pays $1,000 in '84
   24.War Dims Hope for Peace
   25.If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
   26.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
   27.Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide
   28.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
   29.Deer Kill 17,000
   30.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
   31.Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charges
   32.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
   33.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
   34.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
   35.Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping the Needy
   36.Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
   37.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
   38.Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
   39.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
   40.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
   41.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
   42.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
   43.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
   44.Air Head Fired
   45.Steals Clock, Faces Time
   46.Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
   47.Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
   48.Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
   49.Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
   50.Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
 
 

Miscellaneous silliness

Here's where we put all the stuff that doesn't fit other categories.

The Importance of Correct Punctuation
From MCS
(This may have been around the block a few times, but it's new to me)

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria

Send us yours!


 
 

More to come ... Stay tuned!

This page last updated on December 28, 2003

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