Throughout our relationship(s) we have experienced several behavior extremes. We have become helpless over our own lives, we fail to hold the addict accountable for his actions. We have been inconsistent with following through on consequences for the addict's behavior. We have violated our own personal standards to accommodate the addict. We over-extend ourselves physically, emotionally, and sometimes financially to cover the addict's unmanageability.

We have attempted to control the addict's behavior and placed impossible demands upon him. We have pretended to family, friends, & co-workers that everything is "wonderful." We have been unforgiving and sometimes punishing toward the addict.

We have become emotionally unavailable, withdrawing sex and any physical affection from the addict. We have become so involved with the addict's problem that we ignore our own lives and responsibilities.

Sometimes we feel responsible for the addict's behavior: "If only I were prettier, thinner, taller, shorter, etc... If only I were more sexual..." Then we start giving in to him, making excuses for his actions. Sometimes we have even participated in his sexual fantasies. We have allowed ourselves to be disrespected and abused.

We have often felt like we have invested too much in the relationship, always putting his sexual needs ahead of ourselves. We have sometimes allowed our family and friends to be hurt or abused by the addict.

We have often blamed the addict and his behavior for all relationship problems. We believe that if he would only change, everything would be fine.

We have mistaken the intensity and excitement of our sex lives for intimacy and love. But we have come to realize there is no real closeness in our relationship and our needs are left unmet.