Step aside, Stepford Men’s Club; today’s male
huddles have got nothing on the rise in popularity of women’s
get-togethers. Whether it’s conversations at Curves, gathering
at Tuesday night book clubs, or stepping out with the Red Hat
Society girls, women these days are grouping up in earnest,
reaping the benefits of having a band of female friends to
share their trials and triumphs.
But why now? Why, when
the war for equality and integration has been won not only in
the schoolyard but the locker room, are women insisting on
buddying up with their own kind?
Perhaps it’s because women get together to
relate, while men may get together to play golf or compete,
theorizes Peg Wyant, a network savvy high-tech entrepreneur.
Australian writer Lauren Short agrees. In her study on women’s
friendships, Short explains, “The friendship styles of men
and women are different. Women are encouraged to form close
emotional ties. They are given to believe that relationships
should be at the center of their lives.”
Just look
at how women do the “simple” act of getting ready for bed:
pick up the toys (the kid’s, the dog’s, the husband’s), put
the dishes in the dishwasher, make sure the doors are locked,
the e-mails have been answered, and the last load of laundry
is folded and tucked away. Then head to the bathroom to
perform the nightly beauty ritual that seems to get longer
every evening. One woman notes, “My husband brushes his
teeth, pats me on the fanny and slides under the covers before
I’ve even applied my latest potion to cure aging as I sleep.
Maybe the real cure,” she said, “is found in getting
more sleep.”
Face it, while we’re bringing home the
turkey bacon and frying it up in a pan, we never, ever forget
we’re women—with “just one more thing” to do.
Always.
But not when we’re together. Women’s group time
is a time to shed perfection or the striving for. For a few
precious moments there’s no one else to take care of, no boss
to impress, no mess, emotional or otherwise, to clean up
after. At our weekly lunch club there’s no appliance or
computer in sight, only a friendly waiter to greet us with a
smile and a desire to serve. Toronto therapist Carole-Anne
Vatcher routinely asks her clients if they have good friends
in their lives, because she is certain that those who do have
much better coping skills. When interviewed she said, “I
have the sense that women’s friendships help to keep them
sane.”
Bonding up with those of like gender
certainly has its benefits—like when Diane Grier’s pregnancy
took a turn for the scary. Her placenta was misaligned in the
womb, a not-uncommon condition call placenta previa, and she
was suddenly confined to bed with only her fears to keep her
company. Her husband was all care and comfort, but for Grier a
true sigh of relief was breathed only when she found out that
a girlfriend had experienced the same condition with her first
son, now a strapping young man in his early twenties. That
friend had the one thing Grier’s loving husband didn’t have:
an experienced uterus. It took her “been-there-done-that”
assurance to truly soothe Grier’s nerves.
“It is our
friends who keep us anchored and grounded amid the sea of
changes within us and around us,” confirms Patricia
Gottlieb Shapiro in her book Heart to Heart: Deepening
Women’s Friendships at Midlife (Berkley Publishing Group,
2001). Indeed, peer support and interaction is the foundation
for every support group from Alcoholics Anonymous to Weight
Watchers, Incorporated.
But why is it so hard for us
girls to dish with our guys? After all, this is a time when
gender identity is being usurped by gender equality, a
shedding of what society believes girls are supposed to do
with their social lives and what things men are supposed to
not be interested in. Men and women are crossing the line and
entering careers traditionally held by one gender or the
other. Your nurse is just as likely to be Bob as Brenda; your
car mechanic, Jennifer instead of Joe. Does it really matter
who we share our life stories with, whether man or woman, when
every female fighter pilot, every male au pair dissolves our
preconceptions about gender roles within our society?
Truth is these aren’t things you can tell your man,
your mom, or even your therapist—in fact, they’re often about
your man, your mom, or your therapist. Even in an age of
communication equality and Dr. Phil, there are just some
things that are best discussed between women. When I want to
problem-solve or be assured I am loved, I consult my husband,
but when I need a dose of empathy because my breasts are still
tender from that morning’s bout with the mammogram
machine—which I think I lost—I go to the girls.
Everyone brings to the table a perfectly normal need
to be understood. And even as we adore our men, teach our
children, and respect our elders, there’s an almost
instinctual tendency for us to gather with other
women.
Science provides some explanation. A landmark
UCLA study of female friendships, "Female Responses to
Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight," published
in Psychological Review in 2000, said gathering with friends
in a nurturing way lowers the stress and strain of daily life.
The study suggests that rather than the “fight or flight”
response typical of people under stress, women are wired for
more complex options. Human females release brain
chemicals—specifically oxytocin, that urge us to gather with
other women, as well as tend our children. The more time spent
with friends, the more oxytocin is released, not just
counteracting stress but inspiring a sense of calm and
well-being.
Talking with each other we fill the well.
We rejuvenate our souls to the extent we can tackle the world
again and make it a safe, pleasing place for our children, our
loves, ourselves. A synergy is created when like minds meet to
compare notes about anything and everything and sometimes
nothing at all; an energy that is sustaining and necessary for
the everyday walk on this Earth that can sometimes challenge
us so. We gather to get energized, and we come to leave things
behind too: yesterday’s frustration at the dry cleaners (“But
it’s a cotton shirt just like his—why are you charging me
more?”), this morning’s boredom in the boardroom, the mess and
stress of knowing we have to host the in-laws for the weekend.
Shelley E. Taylor, author of The Tending
Instinct (Times books, 2002) and world-renowned expert on
stress and health, contends that women have a genetic instinct
to form friendships as a means of coping under pressure.
Taylor says our evolutionary heritage suggests women who form
strong bonds with one another are more apt to survive (and
their offspring) than those who do not. Over time, women have
learned to turn to one another for support and solace and have
thus become important allies during times of turmoil.
So the next time you get together with other desperate
housewives or network with colleagues in the corporate
sisterhood, know that you’re doing something good, not only
for yourself but for each other, for all others you value in
your life. Men included.
About the
Author:
Barbara has written for ByLine magazine,
Writing-World.com, Senior Living newspaper and others. Her
essays have won awards from Writer’s Digest, the National
Writers Association and Anthology magazine. In addition, she
holds a master’s degree in the theory and process of
communication and can provide relevant and expert insight on
interpersonal communication among friends. Published clips can
be viewed at her website: http://www.barbaranealvarma.com/
