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What is a Gentleman? |
According to the Random House College Dictionary (revised edition),
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What is a Gentleman? |
According to the Random House College Dictionary (revised edition),
Up front, I need to state that there are two kinds of "gentlemen." The surface Gentleman, and the real Gentleman.
(1) --- The surface Gentleman. He puts on a good show on his surface. He pretends to be a Gentleman, and likely believes he is. He has mastered the outward signs of a typical real Gentleman. He dresses in style, well, and appropriately. He has learned etiquette quite well. He follows the protocols of social interchange between people of quality. He says the right things at the right times. He will even do good things for people.
But the surface Gentleman is a phony. He is self-centered. He is not honest in his dealings. He is not sensitive to the needs of others, or how his actions may harm them. He will have fun at your expense (ill-mannered). If it suits his need or purpose, he will stab you in the back! He will speak of you or others in a demeaning or hurtful way; sometimes to their face, but usually behind their backs. He may well cheat you or others.
(2) For the real Gentleman, it is much more important to meet the fundamentals of being a real Gentlemen. Surface appearance is only secondary.
Don't be fooled by the outward appearance of a person. Look underneath. Ask "Does this person always act in the fundamentally decent ways expected of a true Gentleman?" A person who at first appears to be a Gentleman, may turn out to be an evil villain, while the "hobo" you meet, might be a true Gentleman. The great comedian and social commentator Red Skelton showed us that a hobo could be the highest quality Gentleman!
I would much rather associate with a true Gentleman who is just a plain guy on the outside (like my father), than with a man who appears on the outside to be a Gentleman, but on the inside is a selfish and mean person. In fact, my best friend ever, was a rather rough and poorly educated man on the outside, but a true Gentleman on the inside.
If you as a boy or man wish to be viewed as a real Gentleman, what must you do? What are the fundamentals?
Be Civilized
Humans are quite different from any other animal. Animal have developed mainly through the evolution of their bodies. Our bodies have not changed in about 50,000 years. Our advancement over that time is the result of our brain, and what we have learned. Our development is the result of thinking, understanding, discovering, organizing, planning, and problem solving. As a result, we have created impressive civilizations.
A Gentleman is aware of what civilization is about, and acts accordingly. Civilization is very complex. You cannot learn it overnight. It takes effort. Among other things, it has a set of rules which people have very slowly developed over the centuries. Some are detailed, and may be constantly and slowly changing. They evolve, to fit the times.
The rules of civilization usually work to make relations between people work better and run smoother. They tend to lead towards cooperation and organization, and away from conflicts and fighting with each other. They tend to show respect and support between people.
The rules sometimes become complex. The reasons behind them may not be obvious. If the reasons are not taught to each new generation the rules are not really understood, and can easily be ignored and lost.
One of the things which has allowed us to do so well has been the change from an animal mode of having and raising children, into a civilized mode. Many complex rules tell us how to do this. A Gentleman understand this, and lives by those civilized rules. To explore this in greater depth, read the essay "Stages of the Human Male."
Some rules are very general, and are timeless. They are like universal principles. They apply to all mankind in all ages. I want to focus on those.
A civilize real Gentleman recognizes there should be a balance between the needs of himself, others whom he is associated with (family, friends, associates), and all of mankind. When balance is achieved, the society advances the fastest.
A Gentleman is very willing to do things for other people whom he may not even know, because he recognizes that his little kindness will benefit the other person more than it cost him to do it. A perfect example is holding a door open for the person immediately behind you. This costs the Gentleman very little. It is much easier to hold open the door than to open it. Only a few seconds are lost and usually those don't matter. This little courtesy has resulted in a net saving of energy between you and the other person. The other person will also benefit because he has been honored by you holding the door for him. His feelings are lifted. You feelings are lifted, having done a "good deed."
The same thinking applies when opening the door
for a female companion. The male is usually much stronger. The
relative cost to him in available energy is small, as compared to
that for the female. Thus, he has freed up energy the female may need
later. It is an act of kindness and support.
If you do not understand why a rule exists, do not ignore it. Rules
often have very practical reasons behind them. Be on the safe side.
Follow the rule.
For instance, a butter dish (with butter patties) placed on the table with its own butter fork. The obvious rule here is "use the butter fork to get your butter." But why?
This rule has a sanitary function. You spear the butter with the fork, and transfer it to your plate. Then you use your butter knife to spread the butter on your bread or other food. In this way, as you obtain butter, germs from your plate or butter knife are not likely to get back into the butter dish, because the butter fork has not touched anything which could have come in contact with your germs.
I have given the example of using the butter fork. Underlying it is a universal rule. "Do not do anything which might cause a problem or pain for another person. Make effort to avoid any such harm." This table etiquette rule is designed to do that, through the "proper" use of the table setting utensils.
Be Educated
"Educated" means a lot of things!
It means having learned facts and procedures required to be productive and successful in life. You have earned your degree in (whatever) and can do good work in that area.
It means learning how we function inside as humans. Some reasonable understanding about "what makes us tick."
It means learning how to communicate with others quickly, with ease, accurately, and fully. Hence we learn to read and write well. We learn a large vocabulary, so we can communicate more accurately, and be able to quickly understand what others are saying.
It means understanding what society is all about. Learning how to make it operate smoothly and efficiently. Learning the rules. Learning to be a true or real Gentleman.
Be Sensitive
Empathy is the key to sensitivity. Can your understand how another person feels inside? Do you know, at the level of your own gut, how that other person might feel if you take some action which might impact him?
Do you even bother to think how another person is feeling, or might feel because of your actions? You must do so habitually if you are going to be a Gentleman!
Read the essay on Empathy, titled "SOB!".
Be Well Mannered
Being well mannered is just the end result of applying what it takes to be a real or true Gentleman.
Be Wise ( I think this needs to be added to the dictionary definition)
After writing most of this essay, I realized that the definition of wisdom was basically the same as what I wrote above, "A civilize real Gentleman recognizes there should be a balance between the needs of himself, others whom he is associated with (family, friends, associates), and all of mankind. When balance is achieved, the society advances the fastest."
One would have difficulty being a Gentleman, without also being wise, so that he could make good judgment calls.
Read the essay on wisdom. It puts additional meat on the bones of this essay.