Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Life-Goal of “Having a Forgiving Spirit”

In this life you will often be bothered by what other people do. They at times can be irritating. You are never going to escape this fact.

A very good Life-Goal is to learn to forgive the many minor irritations that come our way.

These are the general things which get in the way of forgiving someone (reconciling with them).

• They are not sorry for what they have done.
• They do not take responsibility for the damage they have done.
• They do not try to make up for their past behavior.
• They do not make an effort to stop the behavior that is bothering you.

• You focus your mind on “what a lousy person they are”.
• You try to get back or get even with them, by doing something that “bugs” them! If you do this, then it is very nearly certain that they will “Get back” at you, and the situation goes more and more out of control, and gets meaner and nastier!

You can see that it takes only one person to block forgiveness.

One person can start the process of reconciliation, but both must participate. Both MUST agree that they want the situation to improve. This starts the healing process. It can take a lot of time, depending upon how badly hurt the people feel.

Here is how forgiveness is supposed to work. It is sometimes referred to as the four Rs (Remorse, Responsibility, Restitution, Repentance,).

In order for the process to start, the person who has hurt or otherwise injured the other must genuinely feel remorse. He should be able to feel the pain of the other person. He should be sorrowful for inflicting the damage.

• “Take ownership” of those things they do or have done which bother or hurt the other person.
• It is being able to say something like “I see that what I did (do) bothers you (or hurts you).”
• It is taking responsibility for your part in the “doing” and the fact that the doing is responsible for the “hurt or bothering”.
• The outward sign is to apologize and really mean it! Say “I’m sorry for what I did and I am sorry that it hurt you.”

• Restitution means “To set things right by repairing the damage done or paying back money taken.”
• It can mean a public apology, where the damage was to the public reputation of the injured party.
• It might be done by making a special effort to give the other person gifts, or doing them special favors.

• Repentance means “Turning around and going in the other direction.”
• In other words, to turn away from what you were doing, and start doing the opposite (going in the opposite direction).
• It means you focus your mind on stopping the behavior that hurts the other person, and instead focus on what makes that person happier (or at least does not make them unhappy!).

This may take an effort, and you may backslide. Don’t give up!

When both parties in an ongoing two-way conflict have done the 4 Rs, and been forgiven, then reconciliation has taken place!

By Russ Andrews

30 July 2001

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