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A Jr. High girl (I will call her Gena) was talking with another teacher. Gena is a very nice girl. I was standing there listening. She was complaining about another girl whom I'll call Susan. Susan was calling Gena names, insulting her, saying bad things about her, and generally giving her a hard time. Of course, this upset Gena, and she would react, often with similar comments back. There was even some physical confrontation. Of course, Gena was getting into trouble.
Gena didn't like what was going on, and didn't like the way she was "giving back what she was getting." She didn't like being pulled into nasty tit-for-tat behavior. She wanted to know what to do.
The other teacher advised Gena to "turn the other cheek." The teacher quoted a bible verse (I don't remember which). I could see that Gena was struggling with this, and was trying to assimilate and understand the advice. After a few exchanges between them, I spoke with Gena. (Note: GRA are my initials)
This is presented as the writer talking with Gina. If something like this should happen to you, there is no reason why you couldn't talk to yourself in the same way. In fact, talking with one's self like this is good training for the mind and emotions.
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GRA |
Susan is not a nice person, is she? |
Recognition of what she felt validates her. It tells her you understand what she feels. A very important factor to get anyone to listen to you. |
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Gena |
No. |
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GRA |
She is kind of nasty, isn't she? |
Recognition of what Gina felt. |
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Gena |
Yes. |
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GRA |
Would you want to become like her? |
Exploring her goal. |
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Gena |
No! |
No! she doesn't want to be like Susan! |
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GRA |
Susan has some sort of problem with you. We don't know why. Maybe it is because you are a nice person, and she isn't. Maybe she is trying to tear you down so you will be like her, always getting into trouble. But stop and think for a moment. If she gets you to fight back, be nasty, be mean, or be cruel then she has succeeded in making you turn into her. She has succeeded in pulling you DOWN to her level! She has won, and you have lost! Do you want that? |
Restating the problem in her terms. Showing honesty in assessment. Presenting a hypothesis to explain Susan. Expanding her Self-Interest Horizon: Showing how her past reactions were changing her to what she didn't want to be! Explicitly tying the results back to the goal of NOT being like Susan. |
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Gena |
No! |
Her face lights up with a flash of understanding. |
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GRA |
Then you have to take a different approach with her. Ignore her. Immediately turn and walk away. Feel pity for her, that she is such an unhappy person. |
Offer an alternative way of thinking and reacting. |
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Gena had to go at this point, so I was not able to carry the conversation further. |
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Gena, we have talked about this particular and very specific problem you have been facing. Lets see how what I said fits into what the other teacher said.
What does "Turn the other cheek" mean?
"Turn the other cheek" comes from Matthew 5.39. Mt 5 is the sermon on the mount. In this sermon, Jesus is extending (modifying and amplifying) teachings from the old testament.
Read this commentary, then read the context of the quote in the light of the commentary. I have added my comments in Italic text.
Here is the context for this Bible quote.
5:38 “You have heard that it was said,
‘EYE FOR EYE, TOOTH FOR TOOTH.’ (The old
testament teaching.) 5:39 But I tell you (Jesus is
changing the teaching!) not to
resist a wicked man, but if any one strikes you on the right
cheek, turn the other to him as well. 5:40 5:41 And whoever shall compel (Force)
you to convey (Carry.) his goods (things) one
mile, go with him two. 5:42
In this sermon, He is extending (modifying and amplifying) teachings from the old testament. The basic idea of "to turn the other cheek" is NOT so that you will get slapped again, but that you NOT react in kind! God doesn't want you to be pulled DOWN to the level of the other person!
It is likely that Jesus also knew that the Old Testament law of "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" nearly always leads to an escalation of vengeance and violence, and that is not good for anyone!
Neither does God want you to be slapped again! If you do get slapped again, I am sure that God would flinch with you. God is trying to get you to "be a good (Godly) example." You wouldn't be if you slap back.
Gena,
You might say to Susan, as you walk away, "I am sad to see that you are so angry with me. Being angry is not a happy thing. I wish you could be happier." (That you wish the best for her.) It might make a difference. It might cool her off, to let you alone. It could eventually even open a positive door between you.
But remember this truth. God has more than one person in his army. If you make an attempt to help someone, and it doesn't work, you may have planted a seed. Later, someone else may plant another seed. And so on. At some point, one additional input can bring all the seeds to life, and THEN the person starts to change! YOUR seed couldn't do the job by itself, but it was important after all!
Sometimes it is helpful to take a Christian idea, and put it into words more meaningful for you. In this case, you might say "Turn the other cheek" means "Do not do the same bad thing back, because then you are just as bad as the other person."