TEXT:
I've always thought unlikely
attractions--Romeo and Juliet, Cinderella and Prince Charming--were the romantic ideal.
Some people say my wife
and I are an unlikely match. I was born with a severe, progressive neuromuscular
weakness. I use a motorized wheelchair, and I've always relied on other
people to help me with all manner of personal-care tasks. My wife doesn't have
a disability.
We had our first date in
the summer of 1982. I asked her to an Elvis Costello concert. To me, she was irresistibly attractive, smart and easy to talk to.
She thought I was gentle, funny and good company.
Before our date, I worked
out a spiel--a good-natured but frank explanation of what exactly I could and could not do.
I tried to imagine the kinds of things that might be on her mind. "I
have weak muscles, that's all," I said. "I have full sensation from head to toe,
since I'm not technically paralyzed. And I'm not delicate, so don't worry about
hurting me . . . "
When news of our relationship
broke, my family was pleased. Her mother, however, expressed concern. I felt hurt, but not surprised.
My mother-in-law and I
are friends now, yet other people have a hard time accepting our couplehood. They
say I must be rich, or my wife must be an incorrigible do-gooder. Strangers
ask in disbelief if we're related. They assume we're brother and sister, or that
she's my nurse. We get better reactions when she rides on my lap in my wheelchair.
At
home, we keep our wedding portrait prominently displayed. That way visitors don't
assume I became disabled after the marriage and she's only stayed with me out of
loyalty.
When my wife was
pregnant with our second daughter, one nurse saw me and abruptly pulled her aside. She
wanted to know if it was really mine. I don't know which of us was more
insulted!
This prejudice
about disabled people is deeply ingrained in our society -- so deeply ingrained that federal disability
benefits programs have rules punishing, often disqualifying, recipients who get married.
My wife and I have
spent practically every moment together since we first shared an apartment. Perhaps
facing obstacles like these has strengthened our resolve, our commitment to each other.
And perhaps that is the most romantic ideal of all.
© Ben Mattlin
