Welcome to Newbieland

Pitfall Tours is happy to offer the homeschool community a special adventure tour especially for newcomers - a trip to Newbieland. Newbieland is not for the timid, but if one is persistent, the challenges this country presents can be met and even enjoyed. Pitfall Tours promises that you will grow personally from your experiences in Newbieland. Pitfall Tours has mis-served the homeschoolng community since 1980, guiding unwary parents into many of the traps and snares to which homeschoolers are susceptible.

Our tour begins as we land in Isolopolis, the capital city. Newbieland is a remarkably flat plain, so flat that estimating distances from one place to another can be difficult. Isolopolis is located right in the middle of Newbieland, with nothing visibly close by. This gives the city a certain lonely aspect. Though Isolopolis is quite large, with many residents, the city is not very busy, and finding very many people gathered in one place is rare. One exception is support groups that are organized to assist their members and regular visitors with their families’ educational endeavors. Visitors who get past the feeling of being alone soon realize that there are many interesting places to visit, lovely sights to see, and fun things to do, with great freedom to pick and choose what they find particularly interesting or amusing.

Moving along, we come to Weirdstadt. People here move about more, though they still aren’t very outgoing. This, plus their very inquisitive manner of looking at people, may cause you to feel that there is something odd in what you are doing or how you look. Here again, keeping things in perspective can be liberating. You’ll soon realize that everyone is unique, and that behind every peculiarity is someone or something that will be interesting to learn about and explore. As in Isolopolis, you will find much of interest in Weirdstadt, with considerable freedom to follow your fascination.

The next city we visit is Indecisive-burg. To a visitor Indecisive-burg can be very confusing. The city is organized around a number of market plazas, with streets that radiate out from each plaza. This can leave a visitor unsure of which way to go and perhaps a little reluctant to explore the city. A visitor who is both flexible and a bit venturesome will quickly realize that something interesting or beautiful can be found in almost any direction, and that the city’s streets intertwine so that going in the right general direction will get you where you want to go, with perhaps a turning here or there.

Responsibiligrad is the next stop for our tour. Responsibiligrad is a grand, imposing city. Its tall, stately buildings and grand monuments impress (and almost intimidate) the visitor that this is a very serious city indeed. Responsibiligrad is quite important, but visitors should not be afraid to explore the city. Grave decisions are made here that will affect families for years to come. Visitors who have the courage to move about the city and understand its culture and purpose find their visit rewarding indeed. A visit to Responsibiligrad requires much personal initiative, but it is time well spent.

From here, our tour will be following the infamed Unfamiliaria Highway along which the next few cities we will visit are situated. Travelers find almost everything along this route new and maybe a little scary. Many will feel unsafe, even though the highway is well built and follows a route that has been used for many centuries. - There also is considerable assistance available along the way.

Our first stop along this highway is Learningcurvna. Even at first glance, a visitor can see that Learningcurvna is a complex city. Finding one’s way around the city can be a daunting task, and one is almost afraid to start. Don’t be afraid, though. This city too has a wealth of interest and beauty, and almost without realizing it, you’ll be able to move about easily and find whatever you want. Learningcurvna ends up being much less confusing than it first seemed.

This tour of Newbieland is definitely one of the longer tours Pitfall Tours offers, so we will have to move right along to Budgetania. This is a city of surprising contrasts, being the commercial heart of Newbieland. Budgetania is easily the best place to find almost anything you might need or want. Many visitors find their shopping constrained, though, by the size of their wallet. With careful shopping, flexible domestic arrangements, and sometimes hard work, the homeschooling family will be able to find and purchase goods that will suit and serve their family well. Be careful, though, since one mayseriously deflate one’s wallet.

Next on our itinerary is the sometimes imposing, sometimes intricate city of Legalia. Visitors’ experiences in Legalia vary considerably, depending on which borough of the city they visit. Some find it relatively simple, with considerable freedom to move about and do pretty much as they please. Others find their activities much affected and constrained by regulations having to do with what they can do, where, and when, and sometimes their activities are closely monitored by local authorities. One can easily become fearful of moving about doing very much and consequently find less of interest than one might. Adding to visitors’ confusion, the ordinances of the various boroughs of Legalia may be inconsistently enforced, with officials in less restrictive boroughs occasionally trying to impose restrictions not permitted by the ordinances of their borough, while officials where ordinances are tighter may show surprising flexibility. Pitfall Tours suggests that not learning local ordinances and doing what one pleases, mindless of local restrictions, will greatly increase the degree of adventure visitors will experience in Legalia.

As we prepare to leave Newbieland, we will spend some time in Underminington, Newbieland’s cultural center. People here are pretty outgoing and curious. They love to poke into your personal business and tend to offer advice rather freely. Since the residents of Underminington are somewhat contrary and feel threatened when people do things differently than they do, their advice will often call into question what you are doing, and sometimes they will speculate as to your sanity. You may find yourself having second thoughts about your choices as well. If you come to Underminington prepared - well informed and firmly decided - your visit to Underminington will be more pleasant and less daunting. But where’s your sense of adventure?

Pitfall Tours believes that you will agree with us that this visit to Newbieland will be a once in a lifetime opportunity - something for which you may feel relieved - and quite an adventure. Don’t miss it!

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A Brief Journey Through Ought-to-stan

Pitfall Tours is offering the homeschooling community the opportunity to visit the lovely country of Ought-to-stan. Our brief tour will visit many must-see locales. We trust you will be so charmed that you may feel that you must visit again and again. Pitfall Tours has mis-served the homeschooling community since 1980, guiding unwary parents into many of the traps and snares to which homeschoolers are susceptible.

At the very beginning of our tour of Ought-to-stan, just as we cross the border, is the interesting but hazardous Would-I-Could-I-Should-I Slough. While it is an interesting sight, and much may be learned there, it is very easy to become bogged down in the Would-I-Could-I-Should-I Slough. It is best to choose decisively what you will do and view this meandering, miry slough at a cautious distance, and with firm resolve regarding your homeschooling adventure.

In the fascinating city of Tight-Time-ville there is so much to see and do, but so little time. You'll wish you could visit every one of the many interesting museums, churches, and historical sites, but you'll have to face the fact that you and your family are only human. There is just much more in Tight-Time-ville than you will have time or energy to see. Choose carefully - the essentials, what interests your family members, and be sure to leave time ... for serendipitous discoveries and for yourself to relax.

Next is the interesting city of Planningrad, with many sights to see, but if you try, you ought to be able to fit it all into your itinerary. If you schedule every hour, choose the right trains and buses, allot time for each stop, and drive yourself and your family hard, you should be able to cover everything. Maybe. Whether you and your family survive is another question. One amazing attraction in Planningrad is the Resource Mall. This mall is huge! And at every turn it seems like you find more and more! You could spend a lot of time here, and you really should. There is just so much neat stuff here! You can worry later about whether you can use all you find at Resource Mall after you buy it.

Just outside of Planningrad, conveniently situated near the Resource Mall, is the Planningrad Textbook Bored-Walk. This is the ultimate homeschooling theme park, with rides and attractions guaranteed to leave your head spinning. You might want to begin your visit by taking a ride on the I-Like-Yours-You-Like-Mine Curriculum Carousel. Then you might go for a whirl on the Perfect-for-my-Child-Anything-Else-Would-Be-a-Disaster Curriculum Roller Coaster, a thrill-a-minute ride that is sure to send your sanity for a loop! Be sure to check out the Phonics-‘n’-Reading-‘n’-Mathe Bumper cars and the Workbook Tilt-O-Whirl too. And since the price of admission includes unlimited rides, you could ride your favorites over and over. The most famous, must-not-be-missed, attraction in the Planningrad Textbook Bored-Walk is the Go-Broke Exhibition Hall, with its celebrated Burn-the-Catalogs-and-Buy-Something Refreshment Stands. While Mom and Dad burn their catalogs, budgets, and sanity, they should be sure to send their kiddies off to the Manipulative Madness Funhouse. All in all, Planningrad Textbook Bored-Walk is not for the faint of heart or slender of wallet.

As we leave the vicinity of Planningrad for our next destination, we will traverse the Cover-the-Whole-Book Swamp. This is a fascinating place, and you could spend a lot of time slogging around here. After a while though, things start looking the same, almost boring, though you may still feel that you must not skip a single tree, rock or pool. But don't forget you have to move on to our next stop.

With a charming aspect, the collegiate city of Grindstown is a bustling, busy place. There's always more to learn, and libraries and bookstores abound. The citizens here are so focused on their academic studies that they take little time for fun and relaxation, and don't even notice the lack of parks and places of recreation in their fair city. Will you?

Next we will visit the fair city of Uber Commitsburg, with many wide, busy streets. It presents a strong contrast to Grindstown. Uber Commitsburg offers a wealth of sports activities, community service clubs, choirs and bands, and much, much more. You'll find yourself wondering how Uber Commitsburg's families find time to see each other ... and maybe you’ll find yourself drawing your own family a bit closer to you.

The country of Ought-to-stan is a large, busy place, with lots to see and do. You really should pay it a visit.

Special announcement: In response to popular demand from homeschoolers, Pitfall Tour’s Exotic and Extreme Adventures division is investigating the possibility of an adventure tour to the fabled, elusive country of Balancia.

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Criss-Crossing Complicatia

Pitfall Tours is pleased to announce to the homeschooling community an upcoming tour of the Duchy of Complicatia. Pitfall Tours promises that you will find the Complicatian way of life so enthralling that you may be positively drawn into their culture and activities. Pitfall Tours has mis-served the homeschooling community since 1980, guiding unwary parents into all the traps and snares to which homeschoolers are susceptible.

Our tour commences when our plane lands in the capital city, Selectington. Straddling the River Indecision, the city was formed as two cities, Unschoolia and School-at-Homa, located on opposite sides of the river, grew together. The people of Unschoolia are known for their practical, informal, flexible way of life. School-at-Homans, on the other hand, tend to be a more methodical and schedule-oriented bunch. Misunderstandings between them have been considerable, though both get on quite well with their approaches to life. The two old cities are connected by the Eclectian and Relaxian Bridges. Of particular note in Selectington is the famous Method Maze, with numerous attractive choices of turnings, many of which can work quite well. We recommend that you stay in the Curricularium Inn, whose many rooms feature lots of interesting and varied furnishings - so many that you’ll have a hard time deciding which room would be right for you.

We will also visit two suburbs of Selectington, Curriculumville and Resource City. The people of these cities tend to live in very cluttered homes. They are well prepared for almost any need ... if they can find what they need amidst the clutter. Conveniently located between these two cities is the bustling, amazing, Too-Much Mall. This mall has more neat stuff than you’ll ever need or knew existed. Most stores’ wares are quite useful, though some will leave you wondering, "Why?". You won’t want to pass by a single store, though your budget may burst at the seams before we leave the mall.

The next city on our itinerary is Kinder Garden Township. This city has a pleasant, fun-looking aspect, but the city’s government tends to over regulate and over organize its citizens and visitors. The mayor, city council, and citizens really mean well, but try to do way too much. Our tour members would do well to learn from this city’s idiosyncrasies. Nearby is ActivityLand, an amusement park with themed areas: Craftland; Worksheetland; Projectland; Fieldtripland. We’ll spend lots of time there, so much that you may feel like you’ll never get out. You’ll be afraid to skip a single attraction, however, just in case it might be worthwhile.

Our tour then turns south, using the causeway over the Over-Committed Slough. Don’t stop and get out here, or you might find yourself wandering from pool to pool to never-ending pool, and falling into the Sands of Exhaustion. Your family may begin to wonder if they’ll ever see you again. If you stay here too long, school will never get done.

We’ll next visit the four renowned cities on the Academics Highway - Phonicsburgh, Mathia, Scienton, and Socialstudia. The residents of these cities have elaborate customs and social gatherings, some quite useful, some of dubious value. The people are very learned, very studious, though some visitors wonder whether some of their studies are a bit arcane or maybe could be learned in a simpler way. The cities’ streets wind here and there through each city, occasionally confusing even heedless residents.

On our return journey to Selectington International Airport, we will pause to gaze at the Burn-Out Asylum. Much can be learned here, but we advise that you avoid getting too close to entering this institution. With a reasonable balance of instruction, activities, fun, and rest however, you won’t find yourself needing to spend time in the Burn-Out Asylum. The asylum is a special place for people who take on and do too much without being sure that what they are doing is truly necessary.

We hope you will enjoy and learn from your tour of the Duchy of Complicatia. It’ll have you yearning for a simpler way of life.

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Investigating Insecuritania

Pitfall Tours is pleased to announce to the homeschooling community an upcoming tour of the Federation of Insecuritania. Pitfall Tours promises that you will find the customs, culture, and people of Insecuritania positively captivating. Pitfall Tours has mis-served the homeschooling community since 1980, guiding unwary parents into all the traps and snares to which homeschoolers are susceptible.

Our tour of Insecuritania begins when we land in the capital city, Relativstadt. The warm, caring hospitality of the people there will quickly have you feeling right at home. You will find the people of Relativstadt inquisitive, almost to the point of being nosey, asking tons of questions about what you are doing and why. They can be very helpful, though sometimes intrusive. You may begin to feel that they are competitively comparing their children with yours. But they really do mean well. We have purposely scheduled our tour at holiday time so we will have the opportunity to celebrate and participate in some of Relativstadt’s festivals.

Our tour next visits Friendopolis, a sprawling city with very friendly, very curious, occasionally gossipy folks. They also tend to be questioning, possibly even leading you to question how sure you are of what you are doing. As we tour the city’s many intricate streets, we will find its outgoing citizens very ready to offer advice though frankly their advice is better known for quantity than quality. Our holiday schedule will let us enjoy the rather informal festive gatherings of these friendly people too. You’ll find it difficult to leave Friendopolis behind.

En route to the next point on our itinerary we will pass through the Academics Forest. The forest has an intimidating aspect, dark, with many winding paths of uncertain origin and obscure destination. Visitors may not feel qualified to traverse it. But for those who enter it knowing where they want to go, the Academics Forest is very negotiable. Exploring the forest requires some preparation and planning, knowing in what areas you wish to spend time. Time spent here can be very rewarding.

Next on our itinerary is the tri-city area of Teacherville, Adminton, and Educratia. The citizens of these cities have motives that are more mixed than most Insecuritanians. Along the usual caring and hospitable folks, you will find some who are moved by financial interests, excessive professional pride, or even personal ambition - all centered on you and your children. Some might even attempt to assert a sort of authority concerning your family’s affairs, leaving you feeling somewhat intimidated. You may wish you could bypass Teacherville, Adminton, and Educratia, but avoiding these cities really isn’t possible.

Our final stop is Mediatia, a sprawling, noisy city. Mediatia is Insecuritania’s marketplace of ideas - some good, some so-so, and some well worth forgetting or even dangerous - and center of cultural communication. It’s easy to lose one’s way in the cross-currents of conflicting philosophical and pop-culture fads. Great wisdom is required to pick one’s way through Mediatia’s winding streets and alleyways, identifying the helpful and useful ideas while avoiding those that are confusing dead ends or ideas and fads that would be harmful to your family.

The people of Insecuritania are very pleasant and usually well meaning, but you will find home all the more sweet for its firm familiarity.

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Boring Balancia

Going against the recommendation of our Exotic and Extreme Adventures division, Pitfall Tours is reluctantly preparing to make available a tour of the boring country of Balancia. While we will be offering this tour in response to popular demand, Pitfall Tours feels we have an obligation to warn prospective travelers that Balancia has little to offer visitors in the way of adventure, excitement, or risk, with the possible exception of some difficulty in reaching Balancia. Pitfall Tours has mis-served the homeschooling community since 1980, guiding unwary parents into many of the traps and snares to which homeschoolers are susceptible.

Because Balancia has no international airports, it is only possible to enter or leave the country through an adjoining country. Consequently, our tour will actually commence in Complicatia, where we will take the sinuous Labyrinthian Highway to the border with Balancia. Once inside Balancia, we will proceed directly to the capital city, Balanciana. Along the way, travelers will notice an almost dreary plainness to the Balancian countryside - it’s pleasant enough, but it lacks any striking beauty or aura of adventure. The people of Balanciana are warm and hospitable, though otherwise unremarkable. Folks will help you find what you need and even offer advice at times, but you can sense they are also trying to avoid being intrusive or challenging.

The main thoroughfare for much of our tour will be the Moderation Highway. This highway is well planned and well built, and like the rest of Balancia is otherwise quite ordinary. From Balanciana we will move on to Balancia’s intellectual center, Forethinkingville. The intellectuals of this city are remarkable (if such a word can be applied appropriately to any Balancians) for their practicality. Before embarking on any significant undertaking they plan it out and think through the possible consequences of their actions. Despite their lack of spontaneity, the folks of Forethinkingville are kindly, and will try to persuade visitors of the wisdom of their rather pedestrian approach to life. But beware, if you succeed in planning and preparing for life’s vicissitudes, your life will be much more mundane.

Nearby is the twin city of Preparatia. The citizens here are very similar in outlook to the people of Forethinkingville. In addition to what we at Pitfall Tours consider to be an excessive emphasis on planning ahead, Preparatians also try to keep ready at hand things they may need to handle unexpected circumstances that may occur. We feel this approach to life robs all the delight and excitement from what should be life’s little surprises! But we realize that people’s tastes differ, and you may not like that adrenaline rush that comes with the risky and unexpected.

Our next stop along the Moderation Highway is Groundington. The residents are somewhat self-satisfied, though like all Balancians, they are quite friendly and helpful without being intrusive. Folks here are pretty focused on staying with well-proved approaches to life, though they will try new things they believe are likely to succeed. Visitors with a more bold, venturesome outlook will find Groundingtonians overly cautious, and even boring. People who are less spirited and more goal oriented, however, may like Groundington’s stick with the basics culture.

Our tour then proceeds to the staid sister cites of Longtermopolis and Stabilistadt. These are Balancia’s least spontaneous, almost static, metropolises. The citizens habitually work toward some kind of successful repeatable routine or method in whatever they do. If it weren’t such an inappropriate term in the context of Balancia, it would almost be amazing that a culture that leaves so little to chance yet accomplishes so much. For some reason, the citizens of these cities are convinced that plans that take a long range view of things and persistence are the best approaches to all their activities. We at Pitfall Tours believe this is too simplistic, and ignores the fun and challenge that can be found in spontaneity and taking a little risk.

The final stop on our tour is the city we think comes closest to being interesting, Supportburg. The residents of Supportburg aren’t that much more bold than other Balancians, but they are very friendly, and help each other when their activities don’t go quite as planned, when something unexpected happens, or they try something unfamiliar. While their mutual support - entirely voluntary, no government involvement - certainly helps with things such as planning and handling the unexpected, we think this detracts from the thrill and excitement of surprises and challenges. On the other hand, the way they help each other through such challenges as do come up is at once helpful and even somewhat exciting. On the whole, we think that many travelers will enjoy their stay here, and maybe find some aspects of Supportburg’s culture worth emulating when they return home.

Pitfall Tours is offering this tour of Balancia in response to popular demand, though we think that, once there, many visitors will be dissatisfied with Balancia’s dull, mundane culture and the overall lack of adventure to be found in the country. If you travel to Balancia and are disappointed, remember that we warned you in advance.