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The alt.fan.porkins Frequently Asked Questions (AFP FAQ)
Last updated January 23, 2004 Suggestions for and questions about this FAQ are welcome, especially if you bring food. Topics: 1. Who is Porkins? 2. How did he die? 3. What call sign was he? 4. Why do people worship Porkins? 5. What pants size did Porkins wear? 6. Is Porkins my Daddy? 7. Is there a temple to Porkins that one can visit? 8. How did the Porkinites start? 9. What do you have to do to be a Porkinite 10. What are the 10 commandments of the Porkinites? 11. Can asses embrace? 12. What role will Porkins play in Vader's turn to the Dark Side? 13. Any truth to the rumor that Jade has functioning male and female sex organs and is currently masterminding a plan to get itself pregnant? 14. Is C'Pi really in Taiwan,or does he just say that to throw off the authorities? 15. Gumby...are you an alcoholic or a crack addict? 16. Why don't you snip your posts or label off topic posts? 17. Can I post my FS/FA/FT posts here? 18. Is mixing chocolate and red meat really ok? 19. What is with shouting Chop, Chicken, Scallop? 20. Yali or Dani, which way is up? 21. Who is this William Hootkins person? 22. Common terms and abbreviations used at AFP 23. Pronounce your Porkinite 24. The story of your favorite Porkinite's handle APPENDIX: The Gospels of Porkins The Pork according to Jade The Pork according to XiangPi The Pork according to Muuurgh The Pork according to Darth Gumby The Gospel of Jek Porkins According to the Mighty Favog The Pork according to Adrian The Pork according to Princess Buttercup Links Charter ---------------------------- 1. Who is Porkins? Name: Jek Porkins Pronunciation: jeck Pork-ihns Known Aliases: Piggy, Red 6, Belly Runner Status: Greatest strategist the galaxy has ever known- Deceased Height: 1.6m Species: Human Eye Color: Brown Hair Color: Brown Age: 27 Gender: Male Weapons of choice: Blastech 32-J Blaster Pistol Vehicle of choice: Incom T-65C-A2 X-Wing Fighter Equipment: Flight Suit (customized) Affiliation: Rebel Alliance Homeworld: Bestine IV Seen: Battle of Yavin in ANH Played by: William Hootkins (From Porkins Central) Jek Porkins was a free trader from the Bestine system. On his homeworld of Bestine IV, he perfected his piloting and gunnery skills with his civilian T-16. When the Empire established a new high-security base in the area, the entire population of Bestine IV had to be relocated. While much of the populace attempted to remain neutral in the Galactic Civil War, Porkins heard the stirring words of Princess Leia Organa, and joined the Rebellion. As a pilot in the Rebellion, Porkins ranked an impressive record of 16 confirmed kills in under 40 hours of actual combat flight time. His prowess remained unchallenged in the oft-neglected strafing run. For his expertise and his girth, he was nicknamed "Belly Runner." Jek Porkins served at Tierfon Rebel Outpost alongside his friend Wes Janson. In fact, it was Janson, not Porkins, who was called up for service at the Yavin base to fight the Death Star. Janson could not go as he was ill with Hesken's Fever. Porkins took his place. Lieutenant Porkins bore the com-designation Red Six during the Battle of Yavin. This young Rebel starfighter pilot was a friend of Biggs Darklighter. Though his X-wing fighter was maneuverable enough to avoid the Death Star's sluggish turbolasers, a mechanical malfunction hampered his ability to dodge enemy fire. His fighter was hit by the Imperial weapons emplacement, bursting into fiery fragments, and killing Porkins immediately. After his death at Yavin, Porkins posthumously received the Kenobi Medallion. The original script identified Porkins as Blue Four. When the color schemes were changed from Blue to Red, Porkins remained number "Four" up until shooting. He was then re-identified as Red Six, and John D. became Red Four. This last minute change may explain why a fellow pilot can be heard asking for Red Six after Porkins has already died. The Marvel Comics adaptation of Star Wars identifies Porkins with the first name "Tono." The novelization also gives him the nickname of "Piggy." (From StarWars.com) 2. How did he die? With his boots on and his belly full. He spotted the gas tank on the Death Star and drove it home, just like he did with the ladies.. 3. What call sign was he? Officially Red Six, but Biggs often referred to him as 'Sweet Cheeks'. We're not sure why. 4. Why do people worship Porkins? What's not to love? He followed the enlightened path; wine, women, song, assorted grilled meats. We just try to emulate the ideal life led by the master. You never know when your time will come, you might as well be fat and on fire when it happens. Besides, we were looking for something different to do. 5. What pants size did Porkins wear? The wise one once said, 'It's not the size of the pants that matter, it's what you smuggle inside'. Take from that what you will. 6. Is Porkins my Daddy? Yes. 7. Is there a temple to Porkins that one can visit? We recommend 7/11 at 2am (Goes against the laws of nature). A super size microwave burrito and a quart of soda equals 'high mass' in more ways than one. But the real temple to Porkins is inside you, just below the ribs, and that temple desperately needs a donation. Build it big and build it proud in his name. 8. How did the Porkinites start? "Well as far as I remember Jade would preach the truth of Porkins and I would whole heartedly agree. I think at first Jade ignored me, not realizing that there was someone else on the newsgroup just as weird as it. Then those pesky Gungans began to attack and the rest is history." -- C'Pi "This is pretty much right. When I realized C'Pi was serious, I knew I found a soulmate. I didn't know whether to marry him or become his bowling partner. "But for the actual conception of the porkinites, you need to refer to that thread I posted a while back from RASSM. I think it was called "Y-wings for the slower pilots?"" -- Jade The thread resides on Google 9. What do you have to do to be a Porkinite? Follow the 10 commandments. Follow the AFP decrees. Follow the arbitrary and inane rules that none of us are too clear on. Show up at AFP once in a while. Spread the love to others. Above all, Eat, Drink and be Merry! 10. What are the 10 commandments of the Porkinites? Commandments of the corpulent gourmand Porkins: (as channeled through Muuurgh) #1 Thou shalt not partake of de-caf #2 Thou shalt not commit hygiene #3 Thou shalt not commit adulthood #4 Thou shalt covet thy neighbors food #5 Thou shalt not suppress flatulence or belch #6 Thou shalt forego dieting and exercise #7 Thou shalt not have no idea #8 Thou shalt not live by pork alone #9 Thou shalt propagate the universe with pork #10 Thou shalt not take the name of William Hootkins in vain 11. Can asses embrace? So it is written "...and he shall punish the faithful with great slaps upon the buttock, for it hurts so good." - Book of Porkins 3:11 12. What role will Porkins play in Vader's turn to the Dark Side? Porkins supplies the pivotal moment in Annakin's final turn to the dark side. Already having a bad day what with his being kicked out of the Jedi order, and his wife up and leaving, Annakin comes to an empty vending machine. We see a blaze of fire ignite in his eyes... he clenches his hand crushing his sabre, he looks right... nothing, he looks left... Porkins is leaving the scene, a trail of cheap candy garbage trailing him. We see the exterior of the building with only the sound of Annakin's screams resonating through the air. (Answered by Jeremy The Happy Butcher) 13. Any truth to the rumor that Jade has functioning male and female sex organs and is currently masterminding a plan to get itself pregnant? Jade will have to get back to you on this one. It requires research. 14. Is C'Pi really in Taiwan, or does he just say that to throw off the authorities? C'Pi really is in Taiwan. The Porkinites really are a world wide phenomena. "That however, doesn't mean I'm not hiding out from *The Man*." -- C'Pi 15. Gumby...are you an alcoholic or a crack addict? *shows the great crack of Porkins to the world* 16. Why don't you snip your posts or label off topic posts? Why waste time snipping when you could be eating a Twinkie instead. 17. Can I post my FS/FA/FT posts here? Can we come to your house and kick the shit out of you? 18. Is mixing chocolate and red meat really ok? The jury is still out on this one. We want to be sure. Pass me that Hershey bar, will you? 19. What is with shouting Chop, Chicken, Scallop? Chop beats chicken, chicken beats scallop and scallop beats chop. 20. Yali or Dani, which way is up? Jade saw the documentary, and Yali points upward big and tall. 21. Who is this William Hootkins person? Actor William Hootkins was born in Dallas, Texas on July 5, 1948. He was first called in to play the role of the humanoid Jabba stand-in for Star Wars (A New Hope), though Hootkins could not make it to the shoot. His work spans 25 years and includes roles in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Flash Gordon and Batman. There are some that feel Hootkins is a look-alike or the reincarnation of Jek Porkins, others think Porkins took up acting after a trauma to the head left him with no memory of his time with the rebellion. 22. Common terms and abbreviations used at AFP Movbie: A motion picture worthy of a discussion to determine just what it was the filmmaker was trying to convey. GACHJLPFTGOOBP: Gumby And C'Pi's Happy Joyful Little Playplace For The Glory Of Our Beloved Porkins. Decreed by C'Pi during a time when everyone else had deserted AFP to go do stuff like work and stuff. Hmph. [PH]: Porkinite Hangout. If you are not a Porkinite, leave your beer and food at the door and kindly leave us to our worshipping. Bellyrunners: The followers of Porkins. Wedgies: The rabid followers of Wedge Antilles, Porkins fellow Rebel pilot at the Battle of Yavin. While Porkins *hearts* Wedge and Wedge *hearts* Porkins, many of the followers of Wedge do not *heart* The Porkinites' wild ways, and so have earned the title. RASSM: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc, the newsgroup without which the Porkinite-Gungan war and subsequent Sith Wars would never have taken place. 23. Pronounce your Porkinite Jade 'jAd Muuurgh 'm&rg C'Pi 'sE-pE Gumby 'g&m-bE Annoying Man &-'noi-i[ng] 'man 24. The story of your favorite Porkinite's handle: Jade: ...Jade has not answered this question yet... C'Pi: "It's Pi as in Pea. I've explained this before. My old nik XiangPi is Chinese for The Fragrant Fart. When I was cloned I became C'Pi. Or Clone of Pi. But whatever you call me just don't call me late for dinner. "(Ho-Ho-Ho. I crack my self up)" Nesha: ...Nesha hasn't answered this question yet... ...then again, I haven't asked her because that's her real name. Muuurgh: ...I heard logs will walk before this is answered. Gumby: I'm Gumby, dammit. At least until I think of a story in 50 words or less. The Pork according to Jade Land of the Dead Porkinites: Jade and Porkins stood by a porkchop tree picking morsels from the branches and dipping them in it's applesauce sap. Nearby, in the field of greens, other fallen heroes of the Porkinite faith played the current favorite game, turkey joust. A crowd of wagerers gathered to watch the players put roast turkeys on their heads and charge at one another until someone broke a wishbone. "The really hairy girl is pretty good." Jade observed. "MmmHmm..." Porkins agreed, sucking on a bone. "I like being dead pretty well, but when will I get to have a body again?" Porkins looked startled. "Well finding one with two sets of equipment is going to be a chore. That takes big Pork power. We may have to work out something temporary. Besides, you have a lot more to worry about right now. The false prophet is upon us. My divinity will be in question soon and must be dealt with." "Jedah?" Jade watched a turkey jouster charge past with a battle cry and slam into the porkchop tree, collapsing. The Archon tore a leg off the jouster's turkey. "Who else? We will stop his blasphemy and bring the truth of the Battle of Yavin to light." Porkins posed, his porkchop like a sword. "Forgive me, your fatty assness, but what is the truth? I have never even heard the story." Porkins sat down and glowered. "It pains me even today, but tell you I will." *************** *music* "Well, come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jek. A poor mutineer, barely kept his tummy fed. And then one day he was shootin at some troops, blew up the station, and they blamed it on Luke. Skywalker that is. Ham sandwich on texas toast!" *Music* (Porkins) "I had been living on Tatooine for my entire life. My parents were Owen and Beru Lars, they were good parents at first, mom defended me to the other children and said I was "big boned". Dad showed me how to grow food and milk the blue cows, but he complained I ate too much of it. Then one day this brother of his showed up with a little baby. He looked like a beggar and I hated him. I tried to sell him to the Jawas and my parents sent me away to an orphanage so the stupid thing would be safe and have something to eat. I was adopted by the Porkins family and soon found I had strange powers I could not control. As I grew bigger and bigger, I felt the force grow along with my body mass. The Pork was born. I went to Yoda and asked for training. He sat up in a tree throwing snakes at me and calling me fatty. "Two sides to the force there are, pork a food is! A shrub you should eat eeeheheheeh!" Porkins began to cry and tossed his porkchop to the ground. Jade patted the great one on the back. "Of course he went and trained the baby my parents threw me away for, Luke Skywalker. I didn't know that then. I didn't even know who he was when I ran into the sniveling little bastard on Yavin. He was supposed to be some hotshot from Tatooine, so I tried to be friends with him. Frigging inbred yokel tried to equate blowing up the Death Star to shooting rats." "Damn Jedi!" Jade commisurated. "So they sent us into battle and noone knows the real story, even today. The ham sandwich theory is partly true. I did get some virginia honey stuck in the throttle...." "And?" Jade asked after a few moments. Porkins was drooling in thought. "Oh yeah. Well, I crashed and survived. The fuselage of my ship slammed through the ceiling of a lavatory and I was thrown clear and onto a stormtrooper taking a dump. He slammed his helmet, not his head, into the toilet paper dispenser which flew off and sent the toilet paper rolling out the door and down a corridor ." "They crap with their helmets on?" "This one did. Stop interrupting. Anyway, the toilet paper got underfoot of a trooper running with his squad, which caused him to fall and his blaster to go off, hitting another trooper down the hall getting on to a lift. That trooper fell halfway in the lift and when the lift moved up his body jammed the lift. This caused the cable s on the lift to break and the lift plummeted to the Death Star main cannon bridge where it crashed, throwing an officer into the gunner who was jolted into hitting the reactor overload button instead of the fire button at the exact moment freakin Jethro Clampett and his low class friends shot a torpedo down the exhaust tube. Typical rebel plan. A few seconds later...Boom. I'm dead and nobody is the wiser." Jade stood up and turned red, white and blue. "I'm going to let the truth be known and make Jedah eat his own ass for trying to slander you, oh Master of Gas." Porkins dried his eyes and smiled. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear, sugar plum." Jade The Pork according to XiangPi What follows is the truth about what happened at the Battle of Yavin. At least before that hack writer Lucas got his hands on the story. Read and know that the Gugan Mafia can never stand up to the righteous might and truth of the Porkinites The Battle has just gotten underway. Lieutenant Arda hurriedly made his way to the Death Star laser control room. His presence was important since he was the only one who could take less than ten minutes to fire the damn thing. The destruction of the rebel base would soon be at hand. Rounding a corner he glances out an external view port and freezes in horror as he catches site of a huge flaming fat man hurtling towards the Death Star. Arda had little time to react before the immense flambé crashed through the view port squishing him like a bug against the wall. "Phew, that was close!" said the portly hero of the Rebel Alliance, Jek Porkins, as he patted out a few flames still burning on his flight suit. Happy to be alive, yet sadly disappointed about the loss of a canned ham aboard his now destroyed X-wing, he headed down the corridor. 'Wonder what they got to eat around here?' he thinks to himself. After of few minutes of fruitless search his sensitive nose begins to pick up the delightful smell of food. Following the smell he turns a corner where he is suddenly confronted by a squad of Stormtroopers. "Look at the size of that thing!" one of the startled troopers exclaims. "Cut the chatter trooper. Shoot him," his commander replies. Porkins, knowing that food is nearby, hoists up his belly and prepares for battle. Our hero charges into the squad sending troopers flying with big butts of his enormous belly and ample ass. Although the troopers get off dozens of shots they do not seem to be able to hit anything except the walls and ceiling. "Out of the way boys. Dinners callin!" Porkins says as he finishes off the last of the Stormtroopers and again sets off down the corridor. Finally he makes his way to what appears to be the Death Stars main control room. Peeking inside he spies a rather large buffet in the back of the room. 'Must be a dinner buffet for that rather gaunt looking Grand Moff over there,' he thinks to himself. Not wanting it to go to waste he makes his way to the buffet. Outside the Death Star Luke starts to make his attack run. Reaching the buffet Porkins begins to stuff his mouth with assorted sliced meats and cheese. His eyes widen as he spots a huge ten pound ham in the center of the table. Grabbing the ham, he thinks to himself, "This would taste a lot better if I could heat it up." Spotting a microwave oven behind the table he shoves the ham inside, sets the power to full and presses start. The lights begin to dim from the enormous power drain as the oven tries to heat the ham. "What the hell was that?" Grand Moff Tarkin exclaims as he turns to the back of the room. Spotting Porkins he yells, "Who the hell are you! Get your fat ass out of here!" Porkins, not wanting to give up his prized ham so easily, wraps his arms around the microwave. "You'll never get me away from this ham!" he shouts as sparks and smoke begin to pour out of the microwave oven. Just then Luke fires his torpedoes. Tarkin, pretty pissed by all this picks up a bottle of wine from the buffet and begins to chase Porkins around the room. "Turn that thing off before you get us all killed," Tarkin shouts as he tries to club Porkins in the head. Porkins chugs around the room as fast as his beefy legs can carry him, Tarkin in hot pursuit. "You'll never take this ham alive, copper," Lukes torpedoes impact harmlessly on the outside of the ray shaft. At the same time Porkins smashes into the buffet table losing his grip on the microwave, which flies through the air and explodes when it hits the ground. An electrical surge runs through the Death Star setting off a chain reaction in the main reactor which destroys the Death Star. Luke and Han fly back to the Rebel Base to receive the celebration that rightfully belonged to the real hero of the Battle of Yavin - Jek Porkins XiangPi Give freely of your food to the Church of the Porkinites The Pork according to Muuurgh The stars were drawing crazy, dizzying circles around Porkin's head as he heard R5-D8 scream its last. He felt this was the end, his fighter had taken a bad hit, but he knew that he had but one final task to complete, the PORK was calling him as the deafening ringing of his droid wailed in his ear. Red-Six took a deep breath to collect his thoughts, hunger and gas. *** Far below the X-wing, the Death Star bragged in complete arrogance of its power, strength and size. Its gleaming blue-gray surface taunted the pilot, challenging him to simply look upon its omniscient, confident face and behold the inevitability of his impending demise. *** Amidst the flaming cockpit, Porkins was consumed with the peace of the PORK, he knew that he had finally met his destiny as he stared the Death Star in the face. He grabbed a glazed ham sandwich (wanting to go down like his hero Momma Cass) as he conjured up the greatest ambitious gas ever known to the family of Porkins. Waiting for just the right moment as his gas collected... "...hold..." *squeezing his glorious buttcheecks together* "...hold..." *using intense concentration and skill* "...just a little closer..." *the pressure was growing nearly unbearable* "...hol...ll...d..." *Porkins face was red as a pickled beet, he was sweating like a Wampa on a Tatooine grill, the veins in his brow felt like they were going to burst* "gaaaahhh!!!...hoooolllllld!!.............." Porkin's X-wing was nearly completely engulfed in flame, the surface of the Death Star seemed just meters away. He held his breath. The build-up of pressure in Porkins ass had grown to an atomic level, the atoms of his noxious gas were to the point of splitting-- ...hooooolllll..d... "GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" . . . Then it happened: . in the hair of a millisecond, in an eruption of astronomical proportions, Porkins ass released the extremely high pressured exploding gas into the cockpit of the X-wing. The result of the toxic fume blowing out the back of his seat and cockpit, meeting the flame of his X-wing was an explosion so great that the Death Star shook with shock, it knew that it faced a power too great for its foundations to hold. In all of its imagination it never fathomed a power so great, a force so strong... *** Elsewhere on the Death Star: Farm Boy's torpedoes bounce harmlessly off the side of the port *** The atomic blast rattled the Death Star to its core, unstable and tottering the mighty sphere fell off its axis and exploded. The body of our hero, Red-Six, Jek Porkins is said to have been launched out through the front of the cockpit as his gas went out the back. His body was never found, though some believe that it may still float about the debris of the Death Star. Forever as champion and king, the name of Porkins will never be forgotten, for he is the true hero, he is the man and he IS your Daddy. -Muuurgh The Pork according to Darth Gumby On the ground level of the Great Temple on the fourth moon of Yavin, word had just come that Princess Leia's ship had been captured by Imperial forces. A portly young man threw his helmet against the wall in despair. "Man, Leia was bringing us back a shipload of nachos. This sucks." He said bitterly. "That's not the worst of it," began the mustached rebel sitting on one of the two cots that occupied the room. "I gave up lucrative careers in Porn and the Imperial Navy to join the rebellion. Now if the Empire finds those secret plans Leia was supposed to pick up they'll track us down and kill us. THAT will suck." "Are we supposed to know about the secret plans?" The third pilot asked, pausing his task of stitching a small tear in one of the pockets of his orange jumpsuit. The other two pilots looked at each other and shrugged. "Hey, Biggs, you still have any of that sausage your brothers sent?" The first pilot asked. "Sure! Mario and Luigi send me more and more of this every chance they get." Biggs said, rummaging through his locker and pulling out several links, which he offered to his roommates. "Don't you think it's a little weird that you like to eat pork sausages, Porkins? Isn't it like cannibalism?" He joked. In between bites, Porkins grunted, "My name hasn't got anything to do with pork, *Biggs*. You should know." He slapped the light switch on the wall. "See? It's dark, you gonna light the room for us?" A muffled "Ouch!" came from the direction of Wedge's cot. As Porkins flipped the light back on, Wedge glared at him. "I need this finger, Jek. It's my trigger finger, I can't keep stabbing it with needles." "Yeah, that joke's getting old anyway. I come from a long line of Darklighters. My ancestors used to make lamps, not be lamps." Biggs added. Porkins sighed. "You guys just don't have any sense of humor." "I wonder why." Wedge muttered sarcastically. Porkins gestured around the room. "The way I see it, we've got a roof over our heads, nice cots..." "Wedge and I have to share a cot." Biggs said. "Still, they're nice and roomy cots, there aren't many duracrete slugs, the smell of the X-Wings isn't so bad in here and when Leia's here..." Porkins flashed them all a wicked grin. "Biggs and I have to share a cot." Wedge repeating Biggs point. "There's a draft coming in by the foot of the cot and when Leia's here you hog her all night!" "It's not my fault you had to go have your computer and flight control systems inspected." "By the way, have you had your X-wing inspected yet?" Biggs asked, picking up one of his boots and rubbing a rag on it. "No. It's fine, every time I bring it in, it's well within the safety limits." Porkins answered, glancing outside. "Looks like some people just arrived." He mused. A military speeder came by, transporting Leia and some others. "Leia!" Porkins called. The Princess turned from Commander Willard and her other companions, one of which was gazing around at all the X-Wings with a look of dazed glee on his face. Porkins waved and Leia coolly nodded towards him. Porkins assured himself she'd stop by later as he turned back to his roommates. Wedge was pulling on his newly repaired flight suit. "Now that Leia's back, you think we'll be going to battle?" Biggs asked, sounding hopeful. "She wouldn't have come back without those plans," Wedge said. "Whatever you think, Porkins." He added with a grin towards his friend. "We'll be taking on the Empire in no time." "I've got an idea..." Biggs said suddenly, glancing around and picking up a vibroshiv from the corner. He knelt next to the cot he shared with Wedge and started carving the wall. Porkins and Wedge leaned in to get a closer look at what he was doing, shielding their eyes from the flying shards of rock. He sounded out the words he was carving, then paused. "The Empire or us, there is no compromise." He seemed quite pleased with his work and noticing the two other pilots lurking nearby, continued to write on the wall. "Biggs Darklighter, Wedge Antilles, Jek Porkins. There." He stood, brushing stone dust from his clothes and hair. "How come your name is first?" Wedge asked, his brow creasing. "It's my vibroshiv." Biggs smirked. "Eh, what if the Empire finds this after we leave?" Wedge continued. "Just put a locker over it or something." Porkins said, and began to drag his locker from the other side of the room. "I think I got something in my eye." Biggs stated, blinking. "Be right back." As he left, Porkins called, "Don't hit on Leia!" and chuckled. "WOW! Are you guys real pilots?" A voice asked from the doorway. Porkins rolled his eyes. Wedge quietly regarded the kid standing just outside their room. "Yeah, of course we are, what are you doing here?" Jek asked gruffly, checking to make sure he hadn't left any food out where this kid could touch it. "I'm Luke Skywalker!" The new guy chirped. "You think I'll get to fly with you guys?" He asked, oblivious to the laughs Jek and Wedge were stifling. "Get a proper flight suit and we'll see." Wedge remarked, thinking that there was no way there would be a suit left over for this kid. A message came over the comm channel that a briefing was about to take place. Wedge and Porkins began to walk out of the room, forcing Luke to back into a passing cargo transport. They could hear him yelling "Ouch!" as they walked away. Porkins decided to look for Biggs and check on his buddy Wes. He poked his head into the medbay. "Hey Janson, what are you still doing hiding in here?" Janson looked miserable. "It's Hesken Fever. I can't fly." Porkins eyed his friend warily, unsure if this was another of his jokes or not. "Okay, well, I'll eat all your food at the celebration after we get back from this mission. I'm telling you, it's gonna be big." And with a smile, he walked away. **** Following General Dodonna's briefing, the pilots rushed to their ships. Porkins climbed into his X-wing. "Hey, Date, what's cooking?" He asked his astromech droid. The droid whistled to him and Jek found the steaming cup of soup sitting in his ship's cupholder. "You're a gem, Date." He said, taking a sip as the technicians buzzed around his ship. In the distance he saw Leia and Biggs hitting on the new kid. He felt a pang of jealously when the Princess kissed Luke, but just shook his head and smiled when he saw Biggs go over to him. He noticed Red Leader came over and broke up whatever those two were talking about, it was just as well. Biggs couldn't fly properly when he had his mind on other things. **** Flying towards the Death Star, the X-Wings comm units buzzed to life. Red Leader could be heard asking for the wings to report in. Red Ten and Red Seven answered right away. Reds Nine and Eight appeared to be flying in their own little formation some distance away. Porkins was puzzled by this, and it was Biggs' voice that brought him back to where he was. "Red Six standing by." He said, knowing he looked cool as he said it. His droid whistled approvingly. Red Nine finally got his act together and Wedge chimed in as well. Red Eleven spoke, and then Porkins heard the new kid say "Red Five standing by." He shook his head, wondering how he'd managed to get a higher number already. The group of X-Wings locked their S-foils into attack position, except for Red Eight, who was still doing barrel rolls off to the side. As he switched his deflectors on, Porkins stomach gave an odd grumble. It always seemed to warn him of danger. He distantly heard Wedge exclaiming something about the size of the station they were approaching; Heard the new kid say he was going in--although he had no idea what he was going into--and then he started shooting. By the sound of Biggs' voice, Luke had already managed to get his ass into trouble. Eventually Biggs also managed to get into trouble, being followed by a TIE Fighter that had come from inside the station. The new kid, obviously smitten with Biggs, raced to his rescue. Both Wedge and Biggs began worrying loudly at Luke, causing Porkins to crush his cup of soup in his fist. R5-D8 let out a mournful whistle when it saw Luke's droid take a shot to the dome. "I know, Date...he'll get everyone killed yet." Porkins grumbled, strafing along between some towers. Biggs decided to take on a deflection tower that was firing at the new kid. Although he would have followed Biggs anyway he was glad to hear him say, "Cover me, Porkins." "I'm right with you, Red Three." Porkins said as he turned up his radio, adding a silent, "Now watch how it's done, Farmboy!" Biggs and Jek took out chunks of the Imperial battle station's outer layers, blasting at everything that moved beneath them until a blinking red light caught Porkins' eye. "I've got a problem here." He said, fiddling with the settings of his built-in dashboard microwave. Cook was set to high and he forgot to take the sheets of foil out of the hero that he had loaded just before takeoff. R5-D8 tried to override it, but the swirling spark-filled storm inside the microwave burst forward, momentarily blinding Porkins. Biggs screamed, "Eject...Eject. Babs, Babs, do you read?" Then remembering everyone was hearing this, shouted "Jek!" as he watched Porkins' craft drop away sharply, plowing into a lasergun emplacement, causing a hideous series of chain reaction explosions. There was darkness and the smell of fuel. R5-D8's dome swiveled from side to side, not registering any information. Porkins slowly became aware of a dim blue light, growing closer and brighter. Over his headset he heard Red Leader worrying over the new kid. He climbed out of what was left of the X-Wing, and felt around his dark surroundings. "Jek." An ethereal voice called. Porkins adjusted his headset, but all he could hear over it was Gold Leader freaking out. "Jek!" The voice called louder. Porkins blinked and said "yeah?" The blue light resolved itself into the shape of a large man dressed in an outdated pilot's uniform. "I have been watching you, Jek." He said. "Really? How'd you know to follow me here? Hey, you look like my grandfather Ovo, you know that?" Porkins squinted at the spirit, who gazed back flatly. "I *am* your grandfather. Ovo Porkins, Bravo Four. The time has come for you to fulfill your destiny." The spirit said, trying to keep the conversation going his way. Jek looked around him. "Uh, this isn't really a good time." There were thumps and flashes of light coming from all around. Ovo's spirit let out what seemed to be a loud sigh. "Do you remember your parents?" He asked Jek, who was feeling around for his droid. "Yeah, they're fine people, my mom can whip up a mean sink crab casserole, why?" "No, Jek, we Porkins are special." Ovo said, realizing he should get to the point as parts of Red Ten's X-Wing exploded through the surface of the Death Star. Porkins looked from the flaming debris to the spirit standing in front of him and raised one eyebrow suspiciously. "You were conceived by the Acetylcholians. They live inside you, me, all beings." Ovo said, trying to make it sound convincing. "They live inside me?" Jek asked, his eyebrow rising another notch. "Inside your stomach. They constantly communicate the need for food to you." "I don't understand." Ovo held out a foot long overstuffed hero. "Eat this and you will." "Now you're talking!" Jek took a big bite just as another blast rocked the Death Star. A hole appeared in the wall some distance away and through it Porkins could see Stormtroopers bumping into each other. He finished the hero, which in his opinion was the best hero he'd ever had and turned to thank Ovo, but he was gone. "Well, I guess I'm outta here." He said, trying again to locate R5-D8. The occasional flashes of crashing X-Wings were no help, so Jek took a flare from the strap just above his boot. Lighting it, he saw R5-D8 lying on its side, all of its lights dark. Porkins was so wrapped up in his emotions for the little droid that he didn't notice the warning sign on the far wall that, when translated, read "Dangerous flammable gases! May cause irritation!" The flare fizzled out as Porkins reached his droid. Jek lifted R5-D8 with all his might, lit another flare and spotted an access chute a few feet away. Grunting as he pushed R5-D8 out onto the cold surface of the Death Star, Porkins looked around to see that he was at the end of a long trench. There seemed to be some kind of chase going on. One X-Wing pulled away and headed back towards Yavin. "Yeah, go on, fly away, you chicken farmboy!" Porkins screamed into the thin air, his teeth chattering. He waved an arm in disgust and then tried to reach Wedge or Biggs on the headset, which returned a loud squeal and then static. Up ahead he saw more explosions and a freighter approaching. He lit his last flare and waved it overhead, trying to gain the attention of the freighter. The freighter, however, was picking off TIE fighters. One TIE fighter spun away and a lone X-Wing shot two torpedoes straight towards Porkins. With a loud Bestine oath, Jek lunged to the side, lost his balance and fell into the thermal exhaust port, still clutching the lit flare. Oh his way down the port towards the main reactor, he felt a bubble of gas rising from the hero he'd eaten. With a loud belch and the sparks from his flare Jek Porkins became a flaming ball of doom that ignited the gases surrounding the main reactor and caused the Death Star to explode in a million bright colors. DarthGumby The Gospel of Jek Porkins According to the Mighty Favog I dreamed I saw Porkins last night, Alive as you or me; Says I, "But Jek, you're 10 years dead!" "I never died," says he. "I never died," says he. "At Yavin, Jek," says I to him, Him standing by my bed, "They blew your X-wing into bits," Says Jek, "But I ain't dead," Says Jek, "But I ain't dead." "The tie-fighters, they shot you Jek, They killed you, Jek!" says I. "Takes more than guns to kill a man," Says Jek, "I didn't die," Says Jek, "I didn't die." And standing there as big as life, And smiling with his eyes, Jek says, "What they could never kill, Went on to Super-Size, Went on to Super-Size." "Porkins ain't dead," he says to me, "Porkins ain't never died. Where couch potatoes stuff their guts, Porkins is at their side, Porkins is at their side." "From Coruscant to Tatooine, In greasy spoons and inns, Where lardass lazies congregate," Says he, "You'll find Porkins," Says he, "You'll find Porkins." I dreamed I saw Porkins last night, Alive as you or me Says I, "But Jek, you're ten years dead," "I never died," says he; "I never died," says he. Porkers of the world, UNITE! The Pork according to Adrian As we Porkins afficionadoes know, the explosion that destroyed his fighter in the Battle of the Death Star didn't kill our hero but transported him intact to another dimension. For a while he became Colonel Musgrove, US Army, 1936, Planet Earth where he specialized in Nazi Mysticism. Adrian The Pork according to Princess Buttercup It was a dark and stormy night. It just happened last Monday night/early Tuesday morning before my DSL died. I'm beginning to suspect "they" had something to do with it. Methinks they're jealous. I don't see why. They still have a special place in my heart. I digress. So it was raining cats and dogs outside. I was at my computer reading my LiveJournal and enjoying the Orliness. Orlisheart was still randomly posting pictures and I didn't want to miss any. I was too absorbed in what I was doing to notice the squishing sounds coming from behind me. I turned around and looked up to find a mountain of orange and something metal staring me in the face. Of course I screamed. Of course I got out of my chair faster than you can say "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" and stumbled on the junk I have littering the floor. In front of me was a sight that not even in my wildest dreams I was hoping to ever see. Behind this vision was another person similarly clad in orange. I started to hyperventilate. In front of me were Jek Porkins and Wedge Antilles, dripping water on my carpet and holding their helmets under their arms. Porkins laughed. His big belly jiggled. I was surprised at first but then it occurred to me that he was laughing at me. Wedge hit Porkins on the side of the head. He stopped. I glared at him. All I could do at that point besides glaring at Porkins was to get up. After straightening my clothes, it dawned on me that here in front of me were the greatest heroes of the Galactic War. I started to cry. As cramped as my place is, somehow the two men gave me a hug while I sobbed my eyes out. My mind finally kick-started and the waterworks stopped. They stepped back and looked at me. I wiped my face and used the sleeve of my shirt to clean my nose. Yucky but true. They smiled. I was still speechless. I could not understand why these mythological (at least in my mind) characters were standing in my living room. As if reading my mind Wedge said, "Do you really want to know why we're here? Isn't it obvious?" I gaped at him. No hint of the Scottish accent but still, this was Wedge Antilles! This was much better than meeting Dom and Billy in Toronto, I thought. Both men smiled at me. "You know what I'm thinking, don't you," I said matter-of-factly. Both nodded and smiled. I had to sit down; too much going on in so little time and all of it was a wicked sort of dream come true. Porkins spoke up next, "We're here because you have abandoned us." I looked up and I could see the hurt in their eyes. Wedge continued, "It's true. And you can't blame George Lucas and thank Peter Jackson for it. As you people say 'You can't have your cake and eat it too'." I must've had a look of utter confusion 'cause I had no idea what George Lucas and Peter Jackson had to do with anything. Porkins shifted on his feet and Wedge ran a hand through his hair. I stared at them and thought about what Wedge had said and then it dawned on me. "That's right. It wasn't done on purpose but it still hurts that you have left us. And that post to AFP doesn't count. You were spamming them," this from Porkins. "What else am I going to say? They don't like me and there are some people I don't like. And you know how they are about Wedge." I felt indignant. Wedge looked from Porkins to me and back. "She has a point, Jek. They're not nice when it comes to me, you know." "Yeah! And I don't think AFW treats Porkins the way AFP treats Wedge. Rather, Farmboy is the one that gets picked on. I'm sure he's still anathema in the newsgroup." I was feeling smug with my reasoning. "And AFW should not be too hard on Luke. He's our friend," Wedge glared at me. "Hey! It's easy to pick on him. He whines," I crossed my arms in defense. Wedge rolled his eyes and moved over to lean against Porkins, "Listen, lass. You have abandoned the Star Wars fandom. It's not right, you know. You started the Wedge Estrogen Brigade and abandoned it for a man. Now you've abandoned the fandom for furry feet and Peter Jackson." "Well he is a good director and the movies do look a million times better than what Uncle George is cranking out nowadays. And they have a plot too!" I was starting to get desperate and a bit put out. Porkins moved away from Wedge and Wedge lost his balance, "That may be the case and what you say is true but there's still the OTs. You just watched them a few days ago even if you fell asleep during the Battle of Yavin." "Um...the movies make me sleepy. Even Fellowship makes me sleepy now. I can only listen to the commentaries the guys make and then I can watch it while I'm at the computer. I did stay awake for Empire!" I tried feebly. Porkins tried again since I was being stubborn, "We're not asking you to go back to the WEB. Your friend Allax is handling that nicely. You have your hands full with your fellowship club too. All we ask is that you remember us once in a while. It's not that hard. Even your vinyl figure of Wedge here is on your dresser all abandoned and collecting dust. It's making friends with the dust bunnies." He gets another twap upside the head from Wedge. Their banter is so endearing. I chewed my lip thinking about what he'd said. "I know what you're saying. I'm sorry I have abandoned you guys. I can't say that I'll go back to AFW and make nicer posts to AFP and go back to the WEB and visit the girls. I'd go and then forget all about it again. I am rather fond of Darth Gumby and Jade. C'Pi and Muuurgh don't like me but I can put up with their insults. Hobbit feet and Elf ears are too tempting right now. Then there's the swashbuckling and soon the king will return to Gondor so all my attention and energies will go there." Both of them smiled at me and I knew right then and there that I would forever love these two guys. I knew that they were my first heroes in the ever growing pantheon of men I worship and that no matter what they'd always have a special place in my heart. I started crying again. Porkins pulled out a white hanky from his pocket and handed it to me, "DG gave me this so don't lose it, please." I took the hanky and looked at it and understood. I cried even more. "I love you, guys. Thank you for being so understanding..." I gasped. I looked up and they were gone. Just like that. I couldn't explain what happened in that instant. It was as if a vacuum was created in the room. No sound at all. Not even the squishing of wet boots. And all I had left was a hanky. Links: Bellyrunner, the official alt.fan.porkins webpage http://home.earthlink.net/~bellyrunner Porkins Central http://web.qx.net/red6/Porkins/ The Porkins Home Page http://home.flash.net/~gizmo42/porkins/ Porkins' Legacy http://members.tripod.com/~Porkins/ The charter for alt.fan.porkins is available for viewing at ftp://ftp.isc.org/pub/usenet/control/alt/alt.fan.porkins.Z ---------------------------- By Jade, C'Pi, Muuurgh, Drew Stile, The Flaming Wookiee, Jeremy The Happy Butcher, Adrian & Darth Gumby with suggestions by Chris Hawkins. |
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Porkins, Red Six, Star Wars, Death Star, Yavin, all that © George Lucas
William "Bill" Hootkins © William Hootkins Yali & Dani © the Yali & Dani tribes This is a fan site. Don't sue us, we're having fun. |
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