? The Calculator Queen (or Another Stupefying Inquisition) Away in lands far off and high Where "duh" is seen as brains, The great and small know that the Queen Of Calculator reigns. With delicate and tiny paws She wields the math machine And by herself determines who Will come out fat or lean. Her bunny ears are closed. Her eyes Bug out behind their frames, While beastly representatives All listen for their names. This day she called the crocodile-- Her pet whose tears were big. He stood and cleared his three-foot throat. He grabbed his new blond wig And with it wiped the queen's left paw. He knew the ritual well. He'd brown the nose. Sycophancy Would pay off very well. "We need to have some mugs inscribed," He said with crocken tears. "We've done six years of diligent Fundraising for our beers. And now with documents to show Obsequious resort, We've come before your hallowed throne For we're a thousand short." In this strange kingdom, high and far, They tender rabbit poop. The queen excretes her subjects' gold. They fight for every scoop. Ten Pellets buys a pizza that Will feed a field of fools. For special friends, the Queen's been known To poot out bonus jewels. The queen's court has ten nincompoops So young they still take suck. They feel great pride when dignified Men beg them for a buck. The Rat, the Snake, the Elephant, The Walrus-All will bend In reverence to the Rabbit while She shakes the money end. A Lizard bowed, and kissed her feet, Then licked the toenails clean. She smiled-her teeth were crusted black- And loudly shrilled, "Dear Queen- We're asking for ten thousand poots For our sorority. We must receive the funding now! We need it desperately! We're making banners with your name! They say, 'We Love You, Queen!' We'll drape them everywhere where they'll Be prominently seen. And once that's done, we'll party on, With pizza, booze and beer. We'll raise a glass and belch and sing Your praises loud and clear." "Good Queen, Miss Lizard Princess Thing Has made her case and won," The Jackass brayed, and all agreed, And so the deed was done. Next up were Jackals from some group-- The name of which eludes, Although they smoked and drank and fought And called each other "dudes." "Dear Queen," the leading Jackal howled, With spit stains on his chin, "We wanna have a banquet soon And figured you'd kick in. "No matter that in three hours' time (With good digestion, say, ) The toilet will collect your funds- We want our special day!" The Three-Toed Sloth raised up his head And promptly laid it down. The Queen mistook this as a vote And tipped her golden crown. Her calculator whizzed and hummed. "Let's see. Your IQ's ten. I'll raise it to the power of DUH- Then double it again!" "Give him two hundred thousand poots, My fanny's finest gems." The Royal Rabbit waved her wand. The Jackal kissed her hems. And finally came the last request To go before the court. The Trumpeter was half passed-out So let his Ass report. The Eagle Poet tucked his wings And rose above the Queen. "Forgive me, for I cannot bow No more than I can preen. "I come requesting not so much, Six hundred poots, at most. I ask this in the name of Art. It's not an empty boast. "For poetry can lift the soul, And song can make it soar, And truth can make itself be heard Above deception's roar. So my Good Queen, please hear my plea And grant me your support." No man nor beast could have foreseen The Queen's enraged retort. She pushed the numbered buttons fast; The springs began to squeak The noble Eagle heard his fate. He proudly raised his beak. "How dare you speak, you motley bird!" The Queen began to cough. "Guard! Seize that thing through which he pees And promptly cut it off!" For future fecal matter I will always gladly spring. For banquets, parties, dinners, snacks- I'll fund most anything. "But never art, nor poetry! This shall be my command- Unless the begging supplicants Munch nuggets from my hand!" And so the Inquisition closed, But of the Queen, we're told The reason for her petulance: She is but five years old!