I Took the Long Way 

Today I provided someone with their WTF moment for the month. While at Walmart today trying to decide if I should return my new dvdr for another model. I happened to stumble across the new music releases do to a masterful product placement by Walmart. There, prominently displayed in the new music releases was the new Dixie Chick's cd, “Taking the Long Way”. Temptation beckoned me.

As I was reading the song list. I noticed someone of my ethnic persuasion approaching my position, so I quickly return the cd to its proper place. After all, someone of my ethnic persuasion in possession of Dixie Chicks paraphernalia would draw the ire of Homey the Clown and his infamous sock. So I waited until she passed in order to reacquired the cd in question. Living in fear that someone who should not see me, with such a thing in my hand. Just might indeed see me and this thing, in my hand. I began my furtive journey towards the front end.

After reaching the front end in a manner that would make a cold war spy—oh so proud. I scouted for the perfect register to make my questionable purchase. Fortune smiles on me today, considering this was a Walmart. A line with one woman in the final stages of checking out, gold I thought. As long as I keep the back of the cd showing, no one would know what resided in my hand. At least the female customer would never know. The cashier however, was another story.

As I stood there with mere seconds to think of a way for the cashier to scan the item in question, without revealing its true nature. The mind contemplated many scenarios, but the only truly successful ones, involved me making a mad dash pass Walmart security to a waiting car. Curse my feeble mind for not properly preparing an exit strategy. Perhaps a quick exit was still possible. Not on this day. Thanks to those who often plan ahead, their car waiting with the engine running. My questionable purchase had to be de-anti-thefted, thus revealing me for who I was, a lover of Natalie Maines and the Dixie Chicks.

At this point you must realize that I live in a small city, that sits on a metaphorical pasture in the heart of Dixie as it were. So as the cashier was de-anti-thefting my questionable purchase she paused. She brung the cd closer to her face, she looked at it, then she looked at me for a couple of seconds. She then continued with her de-anti-thefting. She brung the cd once again to her face, even closer this time, looking at it for another 3 seconds or so. Then she stared at me for about 3 seconds once again. The WTF look was palpable to say the least.

I quickly prayed to lady luck, don't let her mention the title out loud or say anything that would reveal my questionable purchase to the world. What would my ethnic peers think, what would the anti-Dixie Chicks crowd think, hell—what would the Nascar sect think? I was even paying in cash so Big Brother would not know about my questionable purchase. At this moment in time the chances of me being truly screwed in public—was severe. Today, however, lady luck was my friend in more ways than one. The cashier simply said 14.96 as she place the object in the bag with one more long look before she took my money and said, “Thank you, I will get your change”. Waiting for the change was not an option. I did not wait for the change.

After making my way home in an even greater furtive manner. I was treated to what I think is a pretty damn good album. I don't think it is commercial enough for pop stations, and their traditional base has somewhat turn on them. But if you like well produced contemporary music with some good lyrics that can sneak up on you when you least expect them to—go Dixie Chicks “Taking the Long Way”. However, I would be remiss, if I did not proffer two warnings.

First! For anyone who has ever thought about or constantly thinks about the one that got away. Skip the song “Voice Inside My Head”, until you can properly check your emotions. Guys, listening to carefully to this song in the wrong company. Can lead to ridicule from the buds and a few nights on the couch if your woman catches that look on your face. I will not bother to warn the ladies, most guys would not know the look of longing for another guy on your faces, if the Roadrunner was holding up a sign behind you, saying 'Longing for another Guy'.

The second one is. If of my ethnic persuasion, go in disguise to make your questionable purchase, and as always pay in cash.

By B. Bell

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