The war on Alligators.

Today the Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, hastily called a press conference to announce he was declaring a state of emergency, calling up the National Guard and declaring a war on alligators. It appears over the weekend, three hot young women were killed by alligators. Many reporters in the room were aware of the massive attacks launched by the alligators of Florida. But seeing how alligator attacks are just as prevalent as shark attacks, many queried, as to why he is calling up the National Guard and declaring a war on alligators. The answer was simple and short. “I am a Bush, that's what we do.” After he noticed the shocked looked on our faces, he added. “When our most precious natural resource, hot young white women, come under attack. We must respond immediately. Hot young white women bring many tourists to our shores every year. We cannot risk having our tourist wandering around shouting. 'Where are all the hot young white women'.”

Given the Governors announcement of a declared war on alligators. We sought out some alligators for a response. None could be found, it is obvious they have gone into hiding. In lieu of an actual interview with an alligator. We settled for an interview with their official spokesman. The spokesman is part of the Alligators of Florida Defense League set up by PETA.

During our interview we were informed that the alligators will neither confirm nor deny that they were behind the vicious attacks of the weekend. When pressed with the fact that the arms of one victim was found in the stomach of an alligator and that alligator teeth were found embedded in another victim. The nature of the interview changed dramatically with the statement of, “It is obvious that the population of Florida consist of some seriously stupid people.” When pressed about this statement. The spokesman's of the AoFDL read this declaration.

“For millions of years we alligators have mostly kept to ourselves. However in the past few years, relatively speaking of course, you humans have gotten to uppity. You have been taking more and more of our natural habitat. Forcing us to live in things like retention ponds, swimming pools and other assorted man made water holes. These thing may be convenient for humans, but for us alligators they just plain suck. The hunting is lousy, and what you catch is nearly inedible. That is saying a lot for an alligator. Not to mention the fact of how hard it is to get laid when you are living in a swimming pool. The hot alligator chicks don't dig the chlorinated water or the prying eyes of you humans.

For years we have tried to warn you by occasionally relieving you humans of a dog or two, a limb or two, and on occasion a life. You have not received our warning. So we have decided to fight back by being—well—alligators. So warn your dogs and your women to stay away from us. Especially the hot young white women.”

It was noted that the only woman to survive a weekend attack was a woman in her seventies. We assumed that she was just fortunate. But after further questioning of the AoFDL spokesman. It was revealed that the alligators were seeking to make a big media splash with their attacks. So they decided to attacked the most precious natural resource of the Florida population. That being hot young white women.

When it was pointed out that one of the women attacked was very old and another one was Hispanic, but very hot. The spokesman informed us that the old woman was an accidental attack, collateral damage as it were. These thing happen in war. They were sure the members of the Bush family could understand this. As for the hot Hispanic chick. She tasked them with all her hotness. They could not fore go the golden opportunity that presented it self. Again they were sure the Bush family could understand such an action in a time of war.

We presented our story to Jeb Bush and his staff and asked for an official response. Their office responded with the following statement.

“The alligators of Florida must learn that the world has evolved. That being an alligator is no excuse for being an alligator. They must adapt to whatever we deem fit to give them. Because their actions of the past weekend proved that they are unwilling to settle for what we are willing to give them. We are going to take the fight to them.

In order to protect Florida's most precious natural resource, hot young white women. We will take the fight to the alligators in their rivers, lakes, streams and their most sacred sanctuary the swamps.

We will keep our most precious natural resource safe, by any means necessary.”

By B. Bell

Top of the page