A
Meeting with Da Man.
Crisan:
The first thing I want to address with you is your statement on what the truth is.
Da Man:
Go right ahead I will answer all your questions.
Crisan:
You state in your press release that the truth, or should I say, what you call the truth consist of three integral parts.
Those parts being relative truth, virtual truth and situational truth.
Da Man:
Well, it sounds like you understand me and my position on the truth.
Crisan:
Actually, not only do I not understand what you are talking about. It also appears that the public in general don't understand
what you are talking about. Can you explain yourself?
Da Man:
Well to be honest, I didn't understand any of that highfaluting Yale gobbledygook, myself. But after my advisor's got all
Denzel Washington, via Philadelphia, on me. And explain it to me like I was a six year old, I got it.
Crisan:
Well could you explain it to me.
Da Man:
Sure. Lean in closer. THE TRUTH IS WHATEVER THE F**K I SAY IT IS. Got that reporter boy.
Crisan:
I heard you, but let me tell you that I will not buy it or ever believe it.
Da Man:
Oh yeah! What color is your shirt?
Crisan:
My shirt is dark blue.
Da Man:
No, your shirt is a very gay pink. In fact you are a flaming homosexual.
Crisan:
I AM NOT!!!
**Da
Man reaches for the intercom.
Da Man:
Mr. Secretary could you come in and bring our guests with you.
**Mr
Secretary enters the room with three guests.
Da Man:
Mr. Secretary could you and your guests tell me the color of Mr. Crisan's shirt and your general opinion of him.
Mr. Secretary:
He is wearing a very gay pink shirt and appears to be a flaming homosexual.
British
Guy: The shirt is a very gay pink. And without a doubt he is a flaming homosexual.
German
Guy: The shirt could be a gay pink and he does seem to have a bit of the homosexual in him.
French
Guy: The shirt is—sort of—or could be pink. But he looks quite normal to me.
Crisan:
My shirt is not pink, and at least the French guy knows that I am not gay.
Da Man:
He's French you moron!
**Da
man reaches into a drawer and brings out a stack of papers. He then begins to wave them at Crisan.
Da Man:
Do you know what these are? Of course you don't. These are signed affidavits from George Michaels, Versace, Christian Dior
and Liberace. All stating that you wear pink gay shirts and that you are a flaming homosexual.
Crisan:
Are you crazy? Half of those people are dead, some of them even died before I was born.
Da Man:
Son, that goes to show, just how gay you are. Mr Secretary will you dim the lights and proceed.
Crisan:
WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING, I TOLD YOU I WAS NOT GAY. YOU PEOPLE STAY AWAY FROM ME.
Da Man:
Calm down will you and stop all that flaming. All we are going to do is show you a presentation.
Crisan:
What kind of presentation?
Da Man:
A powerpoint presentation! On the evolution of gay pink shirts and the flaming homosexuals of America who wear them. You may
proceed Mr Secretary.
**As
the lights come back up.
Mr. Secretary:
As you can all clearly see now. Mr. Crisan is a flaming homosexual who wears the signature gay pink shirts. There can
be no doubt he is what Da Man says he is.
Da Man:
No doubt in my mind.
British
Guy: There was never a doubt in my mind. None what so ever.
German
Guy: This man is definitely a flaming homosexual who prefers pink gay shirts.
French
Guy: Well—I can see where some might think he is gay. But he denies it, so he might be straight.
Da Man:
Damn French you can't do anything right.
Crisan:
(holding back tears) I don't care what those affidavits say or what was presented in that very persuasive powerpoint presentation.
For the last time I AM NOT GAY!
Mr. Secretary:
You may be in denial.
Da Man:
No he is not in denial. He is just being tricky. You know how tricky those flaming homosexuals can be. We are going to have
to work hard, very hard to cast out all of that gayness in him.
Crisan:
You are not going to cast anything out of me. You power hungry maniac.
Da Man:
So you admit it now.
Crisan:
I admit nothing, I am leaving this office.
Da Man:
Mrs. Crisan. How are you doing today? This is the Da Man calling you. You are on a speaker phone.
**Crisan
stops dead in his tracks.
Mrs. Crisan:
Why are you calling me?
Crisan:
Don't believe a word they say honey! I am not gay!
Da Man:
Sorry you had to hear about the bad news this way.
Mrs. Crisan:
What bad news?
Da Man:
Your husband is a flaming homosexual who loves pink gay shirts.
Mrs. Crisan:
Noway! We are married with a child on the way. There is noway he is gay!
Da Man:
I must disagree. There are 3 ½ people in this office besides me who can tell you that he is gay. And I also have affidavits
from George Michaels, Versace, Christian Dior and Liberace. All stating that your husband is a flaming homosexual who loves
pink gay shirts.
Mrs. Crisan:
Affidavits? Affidavits? Aren't most of those people dead? And where in the hell do you get a ½ of a person from? You are talking
crazy talk.
Da Man:
1st the ½ person is French. As for the affidavits from the dead guys. It just goes to show you how gay your husband
is. Not only is he gay, a flaming homosexual as it were. But he is a tricky one too.
Crisan:
I am not gay honey! Do not listen to them.
Da Man:
Mrs. Crisan we also viewed a presentation on his gayness.
Mrs. Crisan:
That still does not make him gay!
Da Man:
It was a powerpoint presentation.
Mrs. Crisan:
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! The bastard is so gay. I must go lay down. Here speak to his mom.
Crisan's
Mother: MY SON IS NOT GAY!.............MY SON IS NOT GAY!
Crisan:
MOM.... I am not gay, I am not a flaming homosexual!
Da Man:
Let me cut right to the chase. We have a powerpoint presentation that says your son is gay. He is by all accounts a tricky
flaming homosexual.
Crisan's
Mother: Oh my god!! MY WOMB CRIES OUT! MY WOMB CRIES OUT!
Da Man:
Womb crying. Another scourge of flaming homosexuality. We must stop this from happening to other moms and wifes. We must
stop the domino affect.
Mrs. Crisan:
What is the domino affect?
Da Man:
Simply put. If we don't drive the homosexuality out of him. He could pass it on to your newborn. Even worse, he could infect
his own brothers and sisters. We must be allowed to drive it from his body. We must make your family and our world safe for
heterosexuals.
Crisan:
Honey!! There is nothing to drive from me I am not gay. I am not gay!
Da Man:
2 words ladies. PowerPoint! Presentation!
Mrs. Crisan:
Help my husband. Drive it out of him!
Crisan's
Mother: Help my son. Drive it out of him!
Da Man:
Enough said, we will send him back to you as straight as an arrow.
Crisan:
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Da Man:
Mr. Secretary will you show in our elite dehomosexualizing force.
**The
door opens, in walks Jerry and Pat.
Da Man:
Jerry and Pat, come on in. We have another body for you to dehomosexualize.
Crisan:
I am not gay. I do not need to be dehomosexualized.
Jerry:
He sounds flaming. This could be a tough one.
Pat: Yes.
We may have to beat it out of him!
Da Man:
Whatever is necessary. We have his mom and his wife's permission.
Pat: Just
so there is no misunderstanding. Here is a list of things we have to do, to get the flaming homosexuality, out of most men.
Da Man:
Let me see here. Pimp slapping, gut kicking, crotch kicking, finger breaking. Stun gun to the genitals! Now we are talking.
But hey! Electronic cattle prod to the rectum. A bit much, don't you think?
Jerry: The
Clockwork Orange treatment, sir. A familiar pleasure, re-associated to, an ungodly pain. He is a flaming one sir. Enough
said.
Da Man:
You're right, enough said. Take him away boys. Make a real man out of him. Let's make the world a little safer for heterosexual
men everywhere.
**Two
weeks later all concerned parties reconvened in Da man's office.
Da Man:
Gentlemen! Jerry and Pat do good work. Written on this paper is just two words. I Speak them proudly. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
**Everyone
cheers and claps for the well done job by Pat and Jerry.
British
Guy: Could we inspect the new and improved Mr. Crisan.
Da Man:
Yes you may. Mr Secretary could you wheel Mr. Crisan in.
Mr. Secretary:
Right away sir.
Da Man:
Gentleman I give you the heterosexual Mr. Crisan.
**Crisan
rolls into the room aided by the Secretary.
Da Man:
As you can see gentlemen..........
British
Guy: Absolutely no sign of homosexuality in him.
German
Guy: Damn good work, he was such a flamer and not one trace remains.
French
Guy: He's not gay anymore? And he is so beaten up. Is there anyway I can help care for him?
Da Man:
That's not necessary, we have people assigned to do that. After a little rehab, he will be able stand on his own two heterosexual
feet.
French
Guy: Tell me Mr. Crisan what have you learned in the past two weeks?
Crisan:
That the Da Man is a clueless, mindless idiot with realized delusion of grandeur.
Da Man:
Actually, you should have known that, before you walked into my office. After all, fool you once, shame on me. Fool you twice,
shame on you, and in your case a whole lot of pain—on you. But hey, I am the chosen one. To be Da Man—twice. So
I know you love me. Mr. Crisan— what have you learned, since you 1st walked into my office?
Crisan:
That the truth is what you say it is.
Da Man:
Mr. Crisan, I will not ask you again.
Crisan:
Okay (with great fear in his voice). The truth is whatever the f**k you say it is, when you say it.
Da Man:
By George gentlemen, I think he's truly got it! So bring in the next misguided soul. The hard work of a hard working man—is
never DONE!
By B. Bell
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