Bush's State of the Union (2006)
The State
of the Union is good. It is very good. The reason the State of the Union is so good is because I possess 'The Velvet'. For
those of you who do not know what 'The Velvet' is. 'The Velvet' is like charm on steroids. Charm, you see, works well on 22
year old interns, and bleached blond bimbos. But when you have 'The Velvet', it works on women. Women like Laura, Karen, Condie
and Harriet. Have you seen how those women look at me! Let me tell you. It is because of 'The Velvet'. 'The Velvet' is
like that.
If Clinton's
charm, was half as strong as my velvet. We could have taken Monica to one of our secret Soviet gulags. Tortured the hell out
of her for weeks, and she never would have given up the stained blue dress. In the last moments of her life, on her knees,
as we were about to put a bullet in her brain. Because we can't have the people we've tortured illegally, running around tattling
like a 7 year old. You know how those liberal Judges are. Always siding with the constitution and the law. Anyway. Even then,
she would not have given up the stained blue dress. Why? Because, 'The Velvet' is like that.
My velvet,
the 'Bush Velvet', is so strong it allows me to have my way with everyone. Doubt this? Let us not speak in hush tones about
the power of the 'Bush Velvet'. After all it has been known to make women out of the strongest of men. Did I not get Colin,
the former head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to go before the nation and the world with known lies. He swallowed his pride,
his integrity and he bowed to my will. Why? Because, 'The Velvet' is like that. The 'Bush Velvet' that is.
You all know
Senator McCain. This proud man who served his country better than I ever would. Came to my office saying, “You can't
go around torturing prisoners in secret gulags. We are Americans, it is immoral. With me being a survivor of torturous bastards.
I know it is ineffective and just wrong. I can not support you on this, in fact I will oppose you vigorously.” Now this
was a man I made my salad tossing woman during the primaries. I had my people calling him a coward and a traitor. Now I am
doing one of the things he hates the most. Do you know how he left my office? He had a tear in his eye. As he turned to leave,
he said, “Why can't I quit you.” Why can't he quit me? Because, 'The Velvet' is like that. The 'Bush
Velvet' that is.
Some of you
think the 'Bush Velvet' does not work on the great unwashed masses. You are just wrong. I stand before you a man. A man who
got you to let me open up a can of whup ass. A very large can of whup ass, based on lies, no less. We torture people a little
bit here we torture them a little bit there and you say, you go boy! I spy on you with out permission. You say, you go boy!
I say the hell with the Katrina victims, we have terrorists to kill. You say, you go boy! Do you know why? Because, 'The
Velvet' is like that. The 'Bush Velvet' that is.
I stood before
you a couple of years ago on an aircraft carrier. Under a sign stating mission accomplished. Since then your sons and daughters
continue to die. I do mean your son's and daughter's. After all no one I know has lost anyone to my whup ass prerogative.
Not in the House, the Senate, my Cabinet or any of my very wealthy friends. I give them tax breaks. To you, I give dead sons
and daughters. Do you complain? No! Why? You all say it with me! Because, 'The Velvet' is like that. The 'Bush Velvet'
that is.
We were all
standing around discussing the power of my 'Bush Velvet'. When Condie said, “Your velvet has stank on it.” Folks
I felt proud, but not as proud as when she told me, “You have Angelina Jolie stank all over your velvet.” America!
I have Angelina Jolie stank on my velvet. So to my Cabinet, to the House and the Senate and finally to America, one and all.
I say to you, this makes the world our bitch, and why is that! Say it with me now! Because—'The Velvet'—is—like—that!
The 'Bush Velvet' that is.
By B. Bell
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