Katrina's—Investigator Search

In order to establish the exact cause of the Katrina aftermath failures. The administration is going to appoint a special investigator to oversee the investigation. The possible candidates have been narrowed down to the following six. Their names along with the pros and cons of them receiving the appointment is listed.

Four of the finalist are from the journalistic field. We feel who else could properly investigate a situation and report on it accurately, other than a journalist. Being a part of the journalistic brotherhood, no one would question their word.

The finalist are:

Roseanne Roseannadanna & Emily Litella:

• Pros: Roseanne Roseannadanna has the unique ability to totally mis-communicate everything that is conveyed to her, because she becomes tangential at the drop of a hat. This is a plus, because chances are there is no way she can possibly place blame on anyone in this administration for the Katrina mess. Emily Litella, on the under hand, never quite understands what is conveyed to her. Thus she never investigates what she is suppose to. Truly, a plus for this administration. However, if the broke clock rule comes into play. We will simply explain to them that they were to investigate messy latrines. Thus prompting Roseanne Roseannadanna to exclaim to the public “It's always something” and Emily Litella to issue a “Never mind” report.

• Cons: Roseanne Roseannadanna and Emily Litella appearances are a major cause of concern to us. It is possible that the media will focus on their need for better clothes, lasik eye surgery, and a decent perm. We feel at some point, someone will want to do an extreme makeover on them. Thus, cameras would follow them around for days, and Americans may come to realize, just how vacuous they really are.

Ted Baxter:

• Pros: Ted Baxter is a top notch anchorman, whose stature is only eclipsed by that of Ron Burgundy. Couple that with the fact that he is clueless, and by all measures of a human being, is a complete boob. Works all to well for us. Five minutes into his first press conference, red America will find comfort in the fact that he reminds them of the President, and believe everything he tells them is the truth.

• Cons: Five minutes into his first press conference, blue America will state that he is an idiot, and thank god they are smarter than he is. They will find that he reminds them of the President and believe everything he tells them is a lie. We must also keep in mind, being the boob he is, he could fall under the spell of the liberal media and be prompted to say bad things about this administration. That's not good, unless you are susceptible to reverse psychology.

Les Nessman:

• Pros: Les Nessman is an award winning radio journalist. Les is the proud owner of several Silver Sou awards for expert pig reporting. Who else to report on an extreme mess, other than someone who reports on pigs. Also, there is not one person in America, who is not aware of his over the air coverage of the great Thanksgiving turkey drop. I am sure we can get him to drop in that “Oh, the humanity” line. When he describes how our administration handled things after Katrina.

• Cons: Les Nessman has several Silver Sou awards and he is proud of them. He also thinks being described as obtuse is a good thing. Not that we are unfamiliar with that sentiment, it's just that some people live in the blue states. There also is the fact, he may have plagiarized, a fellow journalist story about orphaned children. But, given the state of journalism today, that might not be the liability we think it is.

Barney Fife:

• Pros: Barney Fife is an esteemed member of law enforcement. On par with the likes of Inspector Frank Luger of the old 1-2. Barney has the excellent investigative skills which will allow no stone to go unturned in his search for the truth about Katrina's aftermath. His strong work ethic and his due diligence to detail, makes him almost perfect for the job that needs to be done. At least from this administrations view point. How can you go wrong with an authoritative man with an empty gun, and a bullet in his pocket.

• Cons: There is a 3 year gap in his law enforcement service. Where we believe he was a landlord to people who lived in sin. He apparently rented to people who engaged in menage a trois's or practiced homosexual sex. Those on the religious right lean towards the homosexual angle. Simply because his favorite phrase is “nip it in the bud, nip it in the bud,”. Those in the Drug Czar office believe it to be a drug culture reference. These days, who really knows.

Kenneth Star:

• Pros: Kenneth Star is a fair and impartial investigator. He has a great track record in investigating massive screwups which cost the American public wasted tax dollars. Plus there is the added bonus of his obsession with oral sex. Given the location of the investigation and the number of people to be investigated. We are sure he will find lots of people receiving oral sex that he can write about in his report. Given the number of young women who visit New Orleans he will have an ample supply of young women to threaten with jail. Americans everywhere, will be looking forward to what will have to be a 200,000 page Penthouse forum report. There is nothing like sex to distract the American public.

• Cons: Given New Orleans nubile women, Mardi Gras and his oral sex obsession he may never complete the report. Of course the real fear is, public dollar spent on massive screwup versus public dollar spent investigating the massive screwup. His ratio is greatly disproportional. Judging by his track record, with the cost of recovery for Katrina at about 200 billion dollars. Ken Star will spend about 3 trillion dollars investigating it. Hell people, we have a lot terrorists to kill yet. That 3 trillion can be better spent on ammo. The Chinese will only spot us so much money.

Decisions decisions decisions. This is obviously a job for the decider, so. Let's get George. George is, --the decider!

By B. Bell

Top of the page.