A General Guide For the PNN

Pseudo News Network

A division of the Omniwhore media corporation.

Mission Statement. Here at PNN we cover all the news that is fit to exploit. Within that operating goal we will strive for maximum synergy with our parent company. The goal: To maximize profit for PNN and in turn the Omniwhore media corporation.

Maximizing your story covering potential and 'Q' score.

In the search for news ratings and more profit we have the following recommendations. If you are on the local level of our little company we suggest that you submit at least two stories a year about missing little Caucasian girls. Missing little Caucasians girls are very good for ratings. So good in fact that we can go nation wide with a good missing little Caucasian girl story. Remember when we go national your 'Q' score increases. A higher 'Q' score means greater opportunities for you inside of our little family.

The only thing better for our ratings and your 'Q' score than missing little Caucasian girls. Is missing Caucasian girls with nefarious husbands. Missing Caucasian girls with nefarious husbands are one of the best possible things that can happen for our network and your career. The amount of synergy we can create with this type of story, is off the scale. We can run specials on our weekly news magazine shows, we can profile the story hour after hour day after day on our cable news channel. The ratings will soar. We also can produce magazine stories out the ying yang through both our serious and tabloid print media.

Our greatest revenue stream from synergy, will come from our made for television movies about the missing Caucasian girls with nefarious husbands. We can build a block of programing around these telepics like you would not believe. With C list television actors and low production values we can produce these telepics for next to nothing. With profits from over air broadcast, cable broadcast and last but not least video store rentals. Keep in mind if you refer a missing Caucasian girl with nefarious husband story which leads to a trial and months and months of inane coverage, you will receive a bonus.

So lets recap—missing little Caucasian girls, good for our ratings. Missing Caucasian girls with nefarious husbands, very very good for everyone involved in this company. Lets not forget, our national news division, requires you to present at least one missing Caucasian girl story a year. Missing minority children and or women will not count towards this requirement. We as a network could not get a ¼ of a ratings point increase for covering missing minorities. Let's not forget here at PNN 'Our goal is to cover all the news that is fit to exploit'.

Natural disaster coverage.

If we could only control mother nature, the ratings from covering natural disasters would eclipse those of missing Caucasian girls with nefarious husbands. But we can't, so you should count yourself lucky if you find yourself in the middle of a natural disaster. Whether you are in the middle of an earthquake, tornado, tsunami, or hurricane. If you are a good reporter you can and should find a way to make yourself and this network look good. There is always someone suffering out there and it is your job to find them and show our audience their suffering. Keep in mind parents grieving over missing children and children looking for missing parents after a natural disaster is very good for ratings. Just remember to shake your head a lot and never miss an opportunity to let the audience know, that like Clinton, you can feel everybody's pain.

Like every situation we exploit, in natural disasters there is a chance to boost your 'Q' score. If you know a natural disaster is coming like a volcano eruption, a forest fire, or our favorite a hurricane. You should put yourself in the path of danger. Our research shows people love our reporters in dangers way. Everybody loves a naturally heroic SOB, so if for some reason you die, lets say in the middle of a hurricane. Our ratings will go through the roof. Once again with great synergy we can produce another made for television movie about your life. If your life was not extraordinary, then the movie will focus on your extreme stupidity in getting killed while trying to raise your 'Q' score. Just remember we at PNN and the Omniwhore media corporation love the made for television movies. We have to be honest here, natural disasters are like energy and candy. 'We cannot create them or destroy them—just manipulate the hell out of them--and the public will eat it up like candy.'

Unfortunate Incarceration.

In the course of you trying to reach the exalted stature of national news anchor. You may find yourself in a predicament which will require you to be incarcerated. Here at PNN while we stand behind our reporters, especially the ones with high 'Q' scores. We give each of our national anchors, 3 producers to sacrifice to the gods of fair and honest reporting. But there are limits to our support. We can not be held responsible for what happens to you, during your unfortunate incarceration. Just remember 'What happens in prison does not have to stay in prison.'

For example, bitch making. Whether you are the bitch or the bitch maker We cannot or will not be held responsible for what you do or what you make others do in prison. However there are always opportunities when one covers prison stories. Synergy is the name of the game. We can produce some beautiful documentaries on your prison stay from the moment of your arrival to the perversions that may occur during your stay. Our audience will eat up the interviews with your bitch maker and or you the bitch. Either way the audience will clamor for all the salacious details.

If for some reason you are female, then we and you have struck gold. If there is one thing that can surpass missing Caucasian girls with nefarious husbands in the ratings, it is female on female bitch making. Our research shows everybody and we mean everybody loves a lesbian story. Conservative values aside, through our synergy with our soft porn cable operation. We know what Americans like, and what they really really likes. An Americans love lesbians. Which is fortunate for you and the Omniwhore media corporation. Because thanks to that synergy, we can do the most realistic reenactments of your sexual deviances while in prison. We can splash you and your lover all over our tabloids, and we can get tell all books from both the butch and the fem. Lets face it 'Titillation—for lack of a better word—is good for the ratings.'

Overseas service and Violence Inducers.

For our more ambitious reporters who see overseas service as a stepping stone to that anchor chair. We have some advice. Just like in the U.S., you could find yourself in jail. Now all the rules that apply to domestic unfortunate incarceration apply to foreign incarceration, with a little twist. Because your room and board will be supplied by your jailer. We will stop all per diem for food and housing. We must keep the bottom line in mind. We will continue your salary, however we request that you provide us with pictures of you and a list of your friends before you leave for your tour of duty. This way we can have a guest list when we line up our cable news shows on your captivity. We will need friends along with our experts to properly discuss the possibility of your death. If death does occur, rest assured we will offer book deals, magazine interviews, and prime time news specials to your significant other and friends. If they and us or really lucky we can book them on the Oprah show. We all know what Oprah can do for a person or corporations bottom line.

While overseas some our really brave and ambitious reporters will find themselves in the company of violence inducers. For our purposes we will describe violence inducers as: Any person or group, who believes the world or their region would be better off living by their rules. They enforce their rules by rationalizing various means of dephysicalization for those who don't believe as they do.

For accounting purposes our current list of violence inducers include Freedom Fighters, Insurgents, Jihadists, UNIMPS, Rebels, Warlords and your ever popular terrorists. Terrorist sub groups include political, narco, eco, religious and your plain old I just hate you terrorists.

We recently added UNIMP or Uninvited Non Indigenous Military Personnel to the list. It would appear that indigenous people have problems with Uninvited Non Indigenous Military Personnel on their soil. So they are induced into devising various methods of dephysicalizing Uninvited Non Indigenous Military Personnel. In order to induce them to leave. This often leads to a tic for tac situation which leads to an inordinate amount of toe tags. I guess the only true conclusion is 'A violence Inducer by any other name is a violence inducer'.

One of the hardest things to do when covering violence inducers is getting the money shot. So we have some hints for you. As you know we provide an overseas travel kit for you. It includes 3 American flags, 2 British flags and 3 to 7 Israeli flags depending on your foreign placement. Also included is pay vouchers, bandannas, and matches. You would not believe number of times you will attend a anti western rally and the local violence inducers don't have a flag to burn. On those occasions you must provide the proper visual support. We suggest that you acquire lighter fluid locally, because a simply stumping of a flag will not provide the proper visual for our anchor persons to shake their heads at. Not to mention the fact that we can always turn a foreign flag burning story into a local flag burning story. Just remember 'Flags + Fire = ratings baby'.

From time to time it will be necessary for you to induce your violence inducer into proving that they actually have things like guns with bullets and mortar shells. Since ammo is always at a premium for most violence inducers you will have to pay them to wrap bandannas around their heads and show off for the camera. That is what the vouchers are for. Make sure all transactions are in dollars because the exchange rates can be murder on the bottom line. It is always a good touch if you can get at least one violence inducer to say 'down with the west' in broken English, while a flag is burning and shots are being fired in the back ground. It's like mothers milk to us at PNN and when we get enough milk we make butter. 'Everybody loves the butter'.

All of the above can serve you well while overseas. But nothing will raise your 'Q' score better than a good nickname. So if you pick up a nickname like 'The Scud Stud', 'The Baghdad Babe', 'The Embed to Bed', 'The Fallujah Flussy', or even 'Steve “the wet pants” Mckants. We can do wonders for you, we can work your nickname into all kinds of various stories, some flattering some not so flattering. Any publicity is good publicity in our opinion and it should be in yours also.

We at PNN and our parent company the Omniwhore media corporation did not make up the rules of the game. They where setup by William Randolph Hearst. We just play the game to win. So—just disregard those player haters and go out there and make daddy proud. Because getting the ratings—puts the money in the bank. As we all know, when money talks—all the BS walks. So ask any news producer any real news producer and they will tell you, "It does not matter if you win your time slot by a full point or a ¼ point. Winning is winning."

By B Bell

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