Food TV must GO!!

Have you ever stumbled across something that you thought was cool and totally harmless. But it turned out to be something insidious. That's what Food TV is, an insidious monster that destroys lives in the worst kind of way. Food TV is more addictive and insidious than cocaine could ever be. Therefore Food TV must go.

It started out benign enough, after not having cable for years I broke down and bought basic cable. One day while channel surfing I heard someone yell BAM—I was intrigued, so I stop and watched for awhile. Thus began my slow decent into Food TV Addiction (FTA).

It started out simply enough. With one good BAM, I realized that I was one herb & spice deficient guy. First it was the salt and pepper. As any good chef will tell you, regular salt is no good, it has iodine in it, which detracts from the flavor of fine culinary delights. So from then on it was kosher or Mediterranean sea salt for me. As for pepper no self respecting chef would use canned pepper. Good pepper must be freshly ground into your culinary delights, in order to release the natural flavoring oils of the pepper. If only it had stopped at salt and pepper.

But noooo, with a few more BAMs I realized a good chef needs to have things like basil, oregano, thyme, and a whole list of herbs including saffron. Yes saffron at $28.60 an ounce, you bet your ass I have some, because I am a great chef in training. $28.60 an ounce for stigmas was not sacrifice enough for Food TV, only the freshest of herbs would do. So now I have freaking dirt in my kitchen, with weeds growing out of it, just so my pesto can be just so. Don't get me started on the jars of infusing EVO, thats extra virgin olive oil for you none chefs. Several of them are busy infusing themselves with things like garlic, basil, oregano, and thyme. The insidiousness of it all.

I have not cooked simply or used a simple cooking implement in over five years. Sure they say they can save you some money by giving you helpful hints, like don't buy an expensive chefs pipping bag, just use a large ziploc bag. Sure, that's a great hint if you have not already spent 30 plus dollars on piping tips and other cake decorating tools. Just so your, totally from scratch cannellonies and cakes, can wow the hell out of, well, at least yourself. I can no longer use a frying pan to make breakfast. Thanks to Alton, I just had to go out and buy myself an 180 square inch griddle for making my kicked up eggs and pancakes. Yes, there will be no ordinary eggs or pancakes for me or my family. No matter what I cook these days, there is always a little somethin somethin thrown in to make it fall into the category of gourmet food. The insidiousness of it all.

Speaking of gourmet food. No simple food has gone untouched by the chefs, or the food crack dealers as I call them at the Food TV network. Something simple like a buffalo wing, now requires upwards of 10 ingredients and almost 8 hours to prepare. I can still remember when Thanksgiving dinner took all day to cook and not two days. Now I must soak my turkey in a brine and sugar solution for 12 hours before I can even think about applying my super duper spices. You know you have a problem when your family literally begs you for a simple cornbread stuffing. But I simply let them know, with god as my witness, no plain cornbread stuffing will ever touch a gourmet turkey of mine—again. The insidiousness of it all.

Food TV must go. They run these specials—these specials where they concentrate on a certain food or the cuisine of a certain country. Because of this I realized that I was not eating the best ice cream possible. So I had to go out and buy a $200 ice cream and gelato maker. Of course it cant make real gelato, that will have to wait till I get my $2000 gelato making machine. I will have that little sucker—soon, but first things first. Before ice cream week they had pizza week. Sadly my local pizza shops were lacking in their pizza making skills. So, out I went to buy my proper pizza making tools which included a pizza stone for my oven and a brand new oven capable of providing the appropriate heat for making a proper pizza. Proper pizza making requires fresh ripe tomatoes, not canned tomato sauce, imported Italian mozzarella or American buffalo mozzarella, sliced not shredded. Your meats must be imported from a small province outside of Florence Italy, and spiced up with spices you non chefs don't possess. The insidiousness of it all.

With pizza and ice cream weeks as warm ups, came the granddaddy of them all, BBQ month. Those insidious bastards. Not only was another of my inadequacies exposed. The fact was profoundly reinforced when I sent off for overnight deliveries from all the best BBQ joints from around the country. After indulging in the best of the best, the only thing left for me to do was to attend BBQ university in West Virgina, for $2,500 dollars. Yeah buddy! 3 days later I was a mean lean BBQing machine. I can cook a smoked ringed brisket with the best of them—hands down. But in order to do that you need a $2,500 combination gas and charcoal burning grill. Being the Food TV crack hoe addict that I am, do you think I would let another $2500 stand in the way of my culinary perfection? Hell no—and they were only to happy to provide me with my new grill—free shipping of course. The insidiousness of it all.

I have the knowledge, the beer cans, the cedar planks, a good set of purloined bricks wrapped in foil and the $2500 grill. So good to go am I—they should give me my own show 'A grillin and chillin with the Bri—on'. Cause I can shove a beer can up the butt of a chicken, smash the hell out of any sandwich and grill fruit with the best of the best. The insidiousness of it all.

All I can say is when they do that special on Korean cuisine. They better be careful of what delicacies they present. Cause if they aren't. I can tell you now, my neighborhood will be a lot quieter and man will be short a few best friends. Hey! Hey! They will be complimented with a mango chutney, string beans sauteed with a garlic-basil infused EVO, a perfectly seasoned wild rice mixture and home made yeast rolls. Capped off with a chocolate mint pecan ice cream. Yes I know, the insidiousness of it all.

So am I, into Food TV, some people have suggested I might be a little sweet myself. Why? Because I will interrupt the best sporting event to watch an episode of Iron Chef. Then there was this time when Bobby Flay was going up against Iron Chef Japan. During the final ten seconds of the battle, I jumped up and started doing the tootsie roll while chanting GO Bobby, GO Bobby, GO Bobby....... Well you get the picture. For those people I have two names Jacqui Malouf and Rachael Ray.

No one in television wears a knit form fitting blouse like Jacqui, and when she wears a dress, she wears a dress. Hot off the grill in deed—Jacqui. So much woman is, Jacqui 'hot off the grill' Malouf, that you can't hold the fact that she is a touch French Canadian against her. Then there is Rachael 'the boom boom butt' Ray. For those who think J-Lo has it going on, you have not seen the junk in Rachael Ray's trunk. The woman—can wear—a pair—of jeans. Every time I see all the glory that is Rachael Ray's butt, all I can say is “How good is that!”. I have actually had dreams where I was denim. 'So way cool—And so insidious.'

By B. Bell

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