In conjunction with

Emergency Room Health Surveys

Present.

A new disease emergence study.

In the past 18 months the emergency rooms of America have seen a remarkable increase in the number of 40'ish men suffering from Severe Artificially Induced Non Terminating Turgid States or SAINTTS. SAINTTS has become a problem for emergency rooms everywhere.

It would appear that your average 40'ish American male has not bought into the physical beauty craze which middle age women have gravitated to. They have however become susceptible to Phallic Orienting Obsessive Personality or POOP. As males approach middle age, their Sexual Arousing Muscle or SAM, has a tendency to fail from time to time and on those occasions of functionality it lacks the potency of years past. In their POOP state, many men have turned to a fountain of youth cocktail named TEL or its even more dangerous cousin TELX.

This cocktail consist of Testosterone (for the desires of youth), Encyte (for an extra growth factor), and Levitra (for a quality intimate encounter). Encyte is a popular SAM growth therapy. We at the NEJM would like to say that this natural treatment does not work. However it has been proven that the average SAM can see a 1/3 increase in size with regular use of this product. As with males of any age, bigger is always better. As for testosterone its effects on young males has been well documented. Its ability to promote and sustain a SAM's potency with just a light breeze as a trigger, is legendary. Males long to be legendary if in no other place than their own pants and minds. Which brings us to what we believe is the genesis of this disease profile.

The introduction of a class of drugs which Levitra falls into has triggered the male psyche to attempt a recapture of youth. With doctors handing these pills out like candy, males everywhere have been popping them like Pez. The fact that drug companies are planning to make their pills Pez dispenser compliant, does not bode well for the American male or the emergency rooms. With the increase in the number of SAINTTS cases, will come a host of new emergent disease profiles.

Most males realize that their SAM's being in a non flaccid state for over four hours is not normal or healthy. So when most males fall victim to the dreaded SAINTTS, they seek immediate help from their local urgent care center. However when a fourth pill is added to the mix, that pill being Ecstasy, the problem is compounded. Males on X have a tendency to want to stay in their SAINTTS condition much to long. As you know, X makes a person want to reach out and share the love with, well-- everybody, for as long as they can. This can be very detrimental to at least the males, we can't definitely say this about his partner and or partners. As we will note later SAINTTS has a strange effect on ones partners.

In a effort to break the cycle of having the same people coming in week after week suffering from SAINTTS. The emergency rooms have instituted a form of operative conditioning to persuade individuals to stop it. Seeing how the average SAINTTS SAM has been rubbed far to often in the past hours and chafing has set in. The doctors have resorted to finding a very pronounce vain on the SAM to perform a de-turgiding procedure. The look of fear on the average males face when he sees the needle approaching his SAM. Can only be matched by the look of a male when he realizes his doctor can perform a prostate exam on him with both hands firmly on his shoulders. However the fear and pain has not stopped the patients from returning to the emergency room time and time again, that is why we have designated SAINTTS as a disease. This disease has spawn several syndromes which need to be at least mention.

The first and most obvious is PANTSS or Post Anxiety Non Turgid State Syndrome. For most males the symptoms present themselves as a tendency to constantly worry about never being able to rise to the occasion again without the help of the TEL. This leads to nightmares and a constant touching of their SAMs. Just to see if they can get it to rise like Lazarus from the dead. If nothing happens time after time, a deep depression can set in. It appears the pharmaceutical companies are all over this one.

The next four syndromes, or female centric, but not exclusive for obvious reasons. We have PISS or Phallic Involuntary Separation Syndrome. It would appear that when women accompany their males to the emergency room in their SAINTTS condition, an altercation can occur. Women have been known to attack the nurse or doctor when they attempt to perform a de-turgiding procedure. It is highly recommended that security be present whenever a male is accompanied by an lover.

Whether there is an altercation or not, for most women, the sight of the de-turgiding procedure taking effect, triggers something that we call the 'Shane's effect'. SS or Shane's Syndrome is derived from the ending of the popular western movie 'Shane'. Women have been known to shout “Come back SAM,--come back SAM,--daddy needs you,--mommy loves you, and mommy really really needs you, Come back SAM.”. At this point an attempt at oral resuscitation by the lover is not uncommon. However be warned, on failure of oral resuscitation, violence can once again break out, with the lover cursing and or attacking the administer of the de-turgiding procedure

Our next syndrome is health care related, HAMS or Hard-on Admiration and Mesmerizing Syndrome. It would appear that on occasion, female health care workers have been unable to perform the de-turgiding procedure. They merely stand or sit and stare at the turgid SAM. Licking their lips and referring to it as a magnificent monument to manhood. When this happens, most, but not all male health care workers are capable of performing the de-turgiding procedure.

Our last syndrome is somewhat family centric in nature. DHS or Desperate Housewives Syndrome. Is characterize by women developing a tactual and oral fixation on large cucumbers. This usually leads to one or more uncomfortable scenes in the supermarket. The most disturbing aspect of this syndrome is the insistence that their teenagers attend raves. Afterwards one or both parents search the room for illegal drugs. In hope of finding the highly sought after X. It appears when X is found, proper disposal of the drug does not occur. Proper disposal of confiscated drugs from the children of the Gen X'ers has always been a problem, and has been discussed in other articles.

The last part of this syndrome is the insistence of the women that their males take the vitamins given to them without question. “Just swallow the damn things and take a shower.”, is a constant weekend mantra for women suffering from DHS. The women are happy for the next 4 to 10 hours, and like most female centric behavior, the males will pay the price sooner or later.

It would appear as if better living through chemistry has transition from a satirical musing to a life style choice for many middle age couples. The Surgeon Generals office would be the proper bully pulpit to combat this disease from. However, given the fallout, over one of their predecessors calling for education on self stimulation for self satisfaction, in order to facilitate teen abstinence. They have decided to adopt a hands off policy, so to speak, for this new emergent disease.

Thirty years ago the Imperial margarine company warned us, that it is not nice to fool mother nature. It would appear that a reiteration is in order.

By B. Bell

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