Old School Supernatural Villains?
Am I the only one that has a longing for the classic supernatural
villains? In the past few months I have seen the following movies. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Underworld, Van
Helsing, King Arthur, and the Blade trilogies. Back in the 70’s I thought Blacula and Scream Blacula Scream were pretty
novel approaches to the old standard supernatural villains. But after viewing Van Helsing I was left speechless. Just who
are these new and improved supernatural villains? And who are these new and improved hero’s sent to vanquish them.
Van Helsing appears to be a 400 yr.
old plus fallen angel in human form. Well, that’s my take, and I am going to stick to it. Dracula no longer gets his
jollies from ripping the throats of unsuspecting humans. Instead, he has 3 vampire brides and their only concern is to give
life to their wasps like hatching dead babies. Obviously—republicans!
Do you remember when your Vampires were evil, slightly
horny, but mostly evil. Now you have the standard tortured soul vampire. Who owns the local blood bank, and skims a little
off the top for his personal use. And, oh yes, or oh no—they are now the guardians of humanity. Give me a break or a
good wooden stake or two.
Have you seen Dr. Jekyll’s--Mr. Hyde lately. Dr Jekyll
seems to morph into some kind of a Hulk like creature that possesses super strength and leaps from building to building as
if Spiderman.
Now! Take your modern day Frankenstein!! I don't even
recognize this monster. All of a sudden he is a misunderstood super intellectual in need of an extreme makeover and 30 min.
with Dr. Phil and or Oprah.
As for King Arthur, here was a story tailored made for the supernatural
poetic license of the screenwriters. But was there any Dragon’s Breath, incestuous love making, spawn of incestuous
lovemaking patricide? Noooo! Was there any magical swords, mythical ladies of the lake? Nooooo!. What we got, was your standard
hard drinking, hard whoring and your inevitable I am sleeping with my fellow warriors woman, ha ha jokes. Yes, your standard
adolescent college locker room, male bonding behavioral rituals.
In fact the only scenes missing from this movie were the rah!
rah! lets get um boys and the obligatory death bed scene. You know the one where the dying guy says, “Arthur when the
breaks are going against the boys. When the Saxon’s hordes have breached your walls and your left flank is failing.
When you are down to your last arrow and the tips of your swords are broken. Tell the guys to win one for the Green Knight.
No, tell them to win one for the ice breaker. You’ll do that for me Arthur---Wont you?”
That scene would be followed shortly by one where Arthur jumps
up on the round table and delivers this little bit of rah! rah!. “We are going to beat these guys. 1st We
are going to lob lots of arrows at them. Then we are going to throw fireballs at them. After that, under the capable command
of Guinevere, we are going to unleash our women warriors upon them. They have been living and training together for months
now, they are in complete sync, if you know what I mean. So thank whatever deity you pray to, that they are on our side. For
it’s that time of the month! So let’s go out there and win one, win one for the ICE BREAKER!”.
But then again, I did not have the one year anniversary super
duper directors cut, with never before seen footage.
Maybe I am just getting old, and the new MTV supernatural villains
are just a little to hip for me. Or perhaps there were women 200 yrs ago, running around spouting feminists ideology, while
wearing skin tight black leather pants as they dispatched the latest evil. And I was just unaware of this phenomenon. I can
appreciate a good imagination as well as the next guy. But, you know what? I don’t care what people say or think. I
like my Guinevere’s fair, demure, helpless and adulteress!! As for those of you who must give her some modern sensibilities.
Just make her a touch SAPPHIC!!
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By B. Bell
