Because I am a citizen of the world, from time to time I like to perform a civic duty. To that end, I have chosen this moment in time to perform a civic duty that I hope will open the eyes of many parents. Hopefully after performing my civic duty, I will rid the world of a bad habit which afflicts parents the world over.

Before I continue, for the sake of full disclosure, I must state for the record. I don’t really care for children. They are by far the most inane creatures on this planet. In case you were wondering, yes I am talking about yours too. Thank god most of them grow out of it. Fortunately for them, this bit of corrective civic behavior is aimed at their parents.

Can any of you parents tell me why so many of you feel the need to have your children perform the most inane tricks known to man or child kind? In front of a captured audience no less. Under the guises, of a catchup visit, watching the big game or enjoying a dinner with good friends, you invite us over. Here we sit with no good excuse on the horizon, entrapped as it were. Even before the exhibition begins. We know the dinner will not be worth the pain. There will be no great escape tonight. Oh the pain! Oh the pain!

I enjoy a good Cirque Du Soleil show as well as the next guy. But the stinky face, the chicken cluck and the other assorted barnyard animal sounds and characterizations coming from your child’s mouth, face and or body. Is not funny, or interesting and lacks anything which I can recognize as talent. Yet I can not get through the most innocuous of visits with 'child rearing couples'. Without having to bear witness to a bizarre range of talents coming from the children of my friends and family. I am using the word talent, loosely here. Because I have paid upwards of $120 to watch humans perform tricks. I know a little bit about what constitutes a talented human being. Sad to say, but the truth none the less. Most of your children—just aren’t cutting it!

I once made the mistake of asking, or perhaps I told my sister she was treating her child like a trained circus animal. As you parents can imagine, this was not received as the constructive criticism it was meant to be. What I fail to understand, probably, because I am a selfish childless degenerate human being. Is why parents don’t see it my way. Your child having the ability to contort his or face is not special. At least not to anyone outside of, let’s say, YOURSELVES. It really takes more than a chipmunk face and accompanying sound effects or the ever popular half ass gymnastics move to impress me. After all, I am old enough to remember seeing Nadia Komenich’s perfect 10's.

Now! The moment your child, at the age of 7, can play Beethoven’s Fifth. I will be impressed, I will even accept the performance on his or her armpits. Tell me they have qualified for the Olympics, normal or special, and I will be impressed. But the stinky, chipmunk, or rabbit face with accompanying sound effects and animations, will never do it. So, for the love of omnipotent beings every where, KNOCK IT OFF!!!!

By B. Bell

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