1. Remove the large object from your refrigerator with the word 'Turkey' printed on it somewhere.

2. Find the cooking time chart for your large fowl located somewhere on its wrapping. Match the weight of your large fowl to the proper cooking time. Make a note of this, preferably non mental.

3. The weight of your fowl is located on the tag with the price. If you can't find the weight. A bathroom scale can be used. As a last resort, Guess! Of course your guess should be in pounds.

4. Set your oven to 350 degrees. Fahrenheit is the preferred temperature standard here.

5. Reach into the cavity of the large fowl and remove any loose contents. Also look under the flap of skin where the neck would be and remove the contents from there. Hint: that flap is located at the opposite end of where your hand enter the cavity to remove the other contents.

6. Place some kind of seasoning on your large fowl. Whatever you like. If that is to vague, whatever you like on chicken.

7. Now place your large fowl in a pan of some kind that is both big enough to hold your large fowl and is oven safe. Note: microwave safe is not the same as oven safe.

8. Place your large fowl in the oven. You must open the oven door to do this. After placing the large fowl in the oven, close the door.

9. If for some reason you can not figure out why your large fowl does not fit into your oven. You should adjust the racks in the oven so the large fowl will fit. Of course some type of large oven mitts would be helpful in making the adjustments. If I am too late with this advice. Running cold water, a clean bandage, your check book and a trip to the emergency room would be a good course of action.

10. At this point make a note of the time your large fowl entered the oven. Again, preferably non mental. Add the noted cooking time for your large fowl to the noted entry time. Remove the large fowl from the oven when the noted entry time plus the noted cooking time has been reached. If you are having problems with the math. I am sure someone in your household or on your street has a 5^th grader, who can help you with the math.

Finally, if you have found any of the preceding helpful. It is clear to everyone in your household, that you cannot cook. A fine complement to your meal would be Pepto Bismol and a couple packs of double ply toilet paper.

Always trying to be of help,

Yours Truly B. Bell

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