Once again, it is that time of year. That time of year where you can run from the charity Nazis, but you cannot hide from them. Strange places I have never seen, but you are always there like a ghost in my dreams. I paraphrase Boy George simply because the only thing more frightening than watching Boy George sing 'Do you really want to hurt me', in the mid 80's. Was my first encounter with the minions of the charity Nazis.

My first encounter with the charity Nazis came when I was a young man preparing to pick up my first full time paycheck. That is when I was informed that I could not get my check until I contributed to the United Way. A joke I thought. “Just give me my check”, I stated. The lady replied, “If you sign a United Way pledge card I can give you your check. Otherwise you will have to wait until Thursday when the manger comes in and get your check from him.” Well, as many of you know when you are a young man, getting your money on pay day is essential. A delay of even a couple hours could be the difference between having money in your checking account or having your checks bouncing around like a silver ball in a pinball machine. So, I bowed to the extortion, my first appeasement of the charity Nazis.

After that first appeasement I vowed that it would never happen again. However I have been employed for a good twenty years now with a couple of different corporations and I have not been very good at keeping my vow. To paraphrase Lionel Richie, the United Way Brown Shirts are like a brick house. They're mighty mighty. They have every thing they need, extortion, intimidation and guilt, to bring a grown man to his knees. I have been brought to my knees more than a few times during my 20 plus years in the modern work force. This year was going to be different or so I wished. As the lone hold out on the management staff this year. I found myself in a very precarious situation.

I was in a room with the location's United Way representative, my legs and my left hand were bound to a chair. I was situated in front of a long table that had United Way pledge cards on it. Also sitting on the table in this order was a wooden dowel, a bath towel, a 9mm and a hack saw. I am a fan of 24 so everything on the table was familiar to me, except the wooden dowel. Being the smart ass that I am, I quipped to myself, “I can handle Jack Bauer.” Shortly after I quipped, in walked two of my fellow management colleagues wearing United Way t-shirts which are near mandatory this time of year at $13 a pop. The female walked over to the table, picked up the wooden dowel and ran it over the fingers of my left hand. She then snapped it like a twig. I winced, the male told me to relax as he put a small dvd player in front of me and pressed play. I sat through a 30 min dvd on all the good things the United Way will do with my money. When the dvd ended the female sat on the table across from me and began to run her fingers over the towel, the 9mm and then the hacksaw. She smiled and asked so politely, “Would you like to give to the United Way?” I replied, “You had me at the broken dowel.” I then signed a pledge card with the maximum donation for my pay level.

I have often wondered what manner of persuasion the United Way holds over the CEO's and the upper upper management of corporations to make them so rabid about collecting funds for this Organization. I can only conclude that during their corporate recruitment drives, that the United Way provides full body massages for all, with happy endings on demand for everyone. The videos of the CEO's massages are not only in digital color, the sound is dolby digital 5.1. Or perhaps they are just masters of motivational brainwashing. Either way it is clear to me that the United Way is some kind of a Borg like organization that assimilates all whom they touch.

Then they send them out as drones to wrench hard earned income from people who can least afford it. People who are barely holding on to their houses, while still trying to figure out how to put their kids through college and assisting with the payments for the nursing care of their parents. Mean while just one member of the company's board could match all the revenues collected by their strong arm tactics with just one month of their salary. Just think of what the board members of the United Way are doing with their seven figure incomes.

On the other hand why think about it, resistance is futile. Just hand them your wallet, turn around, drop your pants, bend over and shout. “THANK YOU UNITED WAY, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN GIVE YOU”.

By B. Bell

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