Childless
at 44?
Okay, I will admit it, I am 44 and childless. This however, does not make me a selfish person
as so many of you have been suggesting that I am. It just means that I do not want spawns, to be honest, I just loathe the
little entities. Breathe, just breathe, and calm down before you begin to berate me into parenthood.
By saying things like. “Is there something wrong with you? It is not natural for a young man not
to want to have children”, and my favorite from a ego point, “I guess you are not as smart as I thought, not wanting
to have children. What is wrong with you?” Then comes the inevitable rhetorical, “Are you gay or something?”
All I can say is, “The parent does protest to much.” Ladies, I hear you, you want my sperm.
All up inside of you, making babies. But you can't have it! As for you guys who take this tack, you are just jealous, because
I have freedom and options you can no longer even dream about. All you have to look forward to, is the occasional yum yum
gift, from your significant other. I laugh at you sirs, I laugh at you.
I am childless, but do you know what that means? To borrow a phrase from Kayne West, “I
ain't no broke motherfuc**r.” I have a nice house, one very good car and one that is a bit of a beater. But it runs
great and I never have to worry about some insolent teenager who claims to be my spawn, asking to borrow the keys to the good
car. Because the beater is not cool enough for him or her. I used the phrase “claims to be my spawn”. Simply because
as statistics would have it, 1 out of every four spawns, is calling the wrong person daddy. All in all, not bad odds, but
I would rather gamble with a deck of cards.
That's why I am going to Vegas to play in the World Series of Poker. Yes, I am going to drop
$10,000 and some change just to play poker, gambling as it were. Do you think I could do this if I had the mother of my statistical
probable spawn whining about. Quote “college tuition” unquote. I think not, I have friends with wives and
spawns. I like to spend my disposable income on what I want when I want. I guess that does make me selfish.
Now, for those of you waxing on and on about the joys of parenthood. I remind you of two
things. One, I was the one who had to cover your work shift during that certain school incident involving your outstanding
child and the authorities. Second, I have a car that is a bit of a beater. I bought it used, and I have bought other used
cars. I know a used car salesman's pitch when I hear one. Spawns are like used cars, they come with a check mark in the 'as
is box'. Not to mention the fact they have little to no trade in value after about 4 years. Yes I said it, and yes I did
just compare spawns to used cars. I guess that makes me selfish and insensitive.
Look, I do not want people to get the idea that my life is just one carnal romp in every
room of my nice house, with a woman who has temporarily deluded herself into thinking she does not want to have children.
I suffer. For instance on my six hour flight to Vegas. I am sure that I will be assaulted with the inaneness of someone's
spawn, for the duration of the flight. Not to mention the fact, that every time I am trying to enjoy an adult activity in
a semi private adult setting, some parent will show up with a spawn and declare, “This is not a healthy environment
for my spawn.” Duhhh! Sherdummy!
Speaking of unhealthy environments, let's talk about grocery stores. Why must my every trip to the grocery
store, degenerate into a journey into oblivious parenthood hell? You spawners want let your spawns play with old refrigerators,
5 gallon buckets half full of water or dry cleaning bags. But you will allow your spawns to zip around, crowed glass display
laden stores, on wheels embedded in the heels of their tennis shoes. And just what is your excuse for using that over sized
racing car shopping cart, designed by the most pandering clueless adult ever, in a crowed store! The logic, it all escapes
me, but none of the former can compare to the suffering I endure when I am forced to have the talk.
I believe that any guy who has reached my age and is truly spawnless, has had the talk. Simply
because no matter how well a woman may delude herself throughout her twenties and early thirties about their desire not to
have children. Sooner or later if you date them long enough they get that look in their eyes. Then those words flow from their
mouths, “Are you sure you don't want to have any children?” Upon your reply, you instantly become a man who thinks
she is not good enough to have your spawns. You become a mean selfish inconsiderate man who mislead her into believing you
wanted to spend the rest of your life with her and her spawns. My reply to this misplaced anger, refined over the years, consist
of me stating. “All the things you say are probably true. But at least I am not under a hormonal biological imperative
that will make me a forgetful scheming person, who eventually becomes a blackmailer.” Yes, I have equated accidental
pregnancy to blackmail. What else would you call it these days? Married or not, custody of the spawn or not, 40-50% of your
income for next 18 years is a mere pipe dream. I am just trying to be honest here.
A man has to know his limitations, and I am a man who knows his limitations. If I were to
have a spawn, especially at my age. I would find myself with that Mel Gibson look via the movie Ransom. Shouting at someone
to, “Give me my life back! Give me my life back!”
By B. Bell
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