Today I became a patriot. I performed a civic duty that I am sure will spare this nation an embarrassment to rival that of the Lewinsky debacle. I used every bit of my persuasive ability to stop the current administration from releasing a video. A video that had been prepared as satire for the annual correspondence dinner. The video, simply put, was a public relations nightmare of epic proportions.

Although I have been sworn to secrecy about what I witnessed today. It was so bizarre, that I just had to put down in words, the strangeness of the day.

As I walked into the room the President, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Condoleezza Rice were sitting around a television monitor. There was one other in the room sitting next to Condoleezza. He was sort of familiar to me but just outside of my perception range. Until I heard him say, “You know Condi, if you start the fertility drugs today I could be your baby's daddy by Thanksgiving.” Then it hit me, this was K-Fed, in the room with the most powerful people in the world and hitting on the Secretary of State. Strange, but not as strange as the look on her face, as if she was truly considering the proposition.

Before I could query, Karl informed me that K-Fed was used as a consultant for the dance moves and lyrical flow of the video. He explain that they needed someone who could advise them on how to appeal to a younger demographic. He went on to explain that the idea for the video came from a recent SNL skit. For all the life in me, I could not remember a recent SNL skit of a political nature that could be parodied. After all, satire of satire, takes more talent than I believed was present in the room. I was starting to get a very bad feeling, about what I was about to see.

The video started out in a 'Reservoir Dog' nature. George, Dick and Condoleezza were all dressed in black wearing sunglasses and clearly walking towards the Capital building. Condoleezza was sporting what I thought was a pretty short skirt. Normally seeing a Secretary of State of her age or any woman of her age in a skirt that short would be off-putting. However, to my surprise, Condoleezza still had a little something something to pull it off.

As the scene switched to George singing in the House chamber. The music playing in the background appeared to be a reworked version of a very obscure song by Wendy and Lisa, titled 'Fruit at the bottom'. If only the hook had been left at fruit at the bottom. Before I could ask. Karl informed me that George and the others received some vocal help from some of the country music artists used to bad mouth the Dixie Chicks. George was singing about how he is the decider, the decision maker. How he is the President and if you do not like it he has a little something for you.

George Bush the President of the United States. Removed his shades, struck a classic rocker Christlike pose. The wind blowing his hair and unbuttoned coat. He then began pointing at the democrats in the chamber. When he finished pointing. He grabbed his crotch, thrusting it forward. He then return to his classic rocker Christlike pose. Before bellowing out, “A dick in your ass! My dick in your ass! It's my decision and I have decided. A dick in your ass! My dick in your ass!” My eyes were as big as if some one had literally did what he said, to me.

I was trying to get a grip when the scene changed to Cheney walking down the Senate hallways to the music of 'Staying Alive'. He was singing “You can tell by the way I use my words, I am a real powerful man, a real powerful man. I don't care if you like me or not. Just listen to me , just listen to me.” He then went with your standard rappers crotch push forward while both hands have a finger pointing to his crotch. Once again the words came, this time from the mouth of the Vice President of the United States, “A dick in your ass! My dick in your ass! Ooh ooh oooh a dick in your asssss ass assss ooh ooh ooh my dick in your ass!”

I sat in stunned silence. Two of the whitest men in America doing crotch thrust while spouting a dick in your ass, my dick in your ass. If a karmic coolness balance is ever to be restored to the universe, Samuel L. Jackson's last words on his death bed will have to be 'Mother Fucker'. I managed to glance over at everyone, and noticed K-Fed sitting on the edge of his seat licking his lips. He then gave Condoleezza a knuckle bump.

The next scene had Condoleezza sitting in a chair in front of a questioning panel. Her legs crossed. The music playing in the background, was a somewhat reworked version of 'Smells like teen spirit'. She starts to sing, “You think you have the right to question me on what I knew, and when I knew it. Well I have just a few words for you all.” She then uncrossed her legs in a Sharon Stone like manor, and yes that was a very short skirt. Which provoked a shout out from K-Fed, “It's tighter than Britney's.” Condoleezza then performed a Bob Fosse like move where she some how managed to position her butt to the panel, her hands on the seat of the chair, legs closed together. Her butt thrusting up in the air every time she came out of a slight knee bend. Oh my god, the Secretary of State, was slutting it up and doing a pretty damn good job of it. My god, what could top that?

Well let me tell you. She went to the Christlike rocker pose and there was something in her hand. I could not make it out until she turned to face the camera. It was, the biggest woman's pleasuring device, electrical in nature, that I have ever scene. The electrical cord was swaying back and forth as she began to sing, “A dick in your ass! My dick in your ass!” That pleasuring device must have had a vibrating head on it the size of a large tangerine. Condoleezza was waving that device like it was a part of her, a very intrinsical part of her. I could only imagine the seismic waves generated when she fired that thing up. With a very soulful, “A dick in your ass! My dick in your Assssssssssss!” She finished up. Which prompted K-Fed to jumped up and shout, “My next baby's mama got some serious balls.” They bumped knuckles again. I started to feel a little sick. When will this bizarreness end. I did not realize that I had said that last part out loud. Until I heard a collective Sssssh.

Like a very, and I stress, a very bad accident, my attention was drawn all to soon back to the video. There I found the three of them doing some form of a dance which I recognized as the Electric Slide. At least I think that is what they were attempting do. At this point if a karmic coolness balance is ever to be restore to the universe. Samuel L. Jackson would have to resurrect himself wearing the Kangol beret and his first words to the world would have to be, “Dying is some serious Mother Fuck'in shit. But I kicked it's Mother Fuck'in ass.”

Condoleezza found herself in the middle spot, giant woman's electrical pleasuring device, firmly in hand. After they finished a sequence of dance moves which I could only describe as a pathetic attempt at choreography. Someone yelled “Let's rock the house with some freestyle.” Let's rock the house with some freestyle? My weaken grip on reality could hardly wait.

Master P as he introduce himself as. Broke out with, “Nancy Pelosi, in my office. A dick in your ass, a dick in your ass, I am—'The DECIDER'. My dick in your ass, my dick in your ass. Bring it ONNN.”

Next came MPM-1 with, well, “MPM-1 is in the White Houssse. Lovers of gay marriages. A dick in your ass, A dick in your ass. Feel me now, feel me hard, Fuck Yooouuuu, MY DICK IN YOUR ASSSSS!!” In case you were wondering, I asked. Master Puppet Master One.

I wondered if they were aware of the Freudian antebellum nature of their monikers. Seeing how I was fully immersed in bizarro world, I could only imagine what Condoleezza's would be. To be honest I am surprised that I could remember anything that Master P and MPM-1 did or said. Simply because what transpired next, left no doubt in my mind who was the leader of this surreal bizarro world.

Picture if you can, a close up on Condoleezza Rice's face, the words, “Hillary can you hear me? Barbara can you hear me? I am the N—O—B, I am the N—O—B.” Now picture her coming towards you in a spot light. Wearing that short tight skirt, enormous woman's pleasuring device in hand. Strutting it and I mean strutting it like a Pussy Cat Doll. With the music of 'Don't Cha' playing in the back ground. “Don't Cha wish you were Secretary of State like me, don't cha wish you could lie like me? Barbara Boxer, don't cha wish you were single like me? I know you want to be like me. But you don't have what it takes, [pauses] to be the Number One Be-aitch [pauses] around Heere! So take it—sin Vaseline-na.” She then performed an over articulated upward thrusting motion with that pleasuring device. Before declaring, “I am the N-O-B. A dick in your ass, a dick in your ass, my dick in your ASS!”

The music stopped, the screen faded to black. We were left with the obvious sound of that pleasuring device humming before being treated to one last harmonious a cappella, “Our dicksss in your Assess!”

I would comment on the preceding, but some things are just better left uncommented on.

By B. Bell

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