(All By B. Bell)

Top 10 signs you are a young black man in New York city

10. 'Minimum wage' is not just a catch phrase. It is a way of life.

09. The white dude in the limo macking on your women is President Clinton.

08. Your naturally menacing look is always in vogue at one police plaza.

07. Your drivers license comes pre suspended.

06. You have to don a doorman's uniform in order to hail a cab.

05. Oh hell yeah! You know what a 'Blacksicle' is, and your butt hurts, just thinking about it.

04. Everybody knows you have the strength of ten men.

03. If you have heard the phrase once, you have heard it a 100 times. “Tasers are for pussies”

02. The cops know how to say 'dead man walking' in 15 different African dialects.

And the number one sign you are a young black man in New York city is........................

01. Your body has more bullet holes in it, than years you have been alive.

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The Top Ten Things Rumsfeld Will Do In Retirement.

10. Finish his book, “ Dr. Strangelove II: The proper pacification etiquette and technique for the modern occupying army seeking to bring freedom and democracy to a godless people.”

09. Invite the bomb squad over to help open his fan mail.

08. Hook up with George Tennet and Michael Brown, he is pretty sure he will be the Moe of the group.

07. Release his rap single, “It's hard out here for a Secretary of Defense”.

06. Try to get the Pottery Barn to change their 'You break it you pay for it' rule.

05. Become the personal motivational guru for Wile E. Coyote.

04. Stocking up on silver polish, in anticipation of his Medal of Freedom.

03. Lead the campaign to help explain the dangers of running with scissors.

02. He is going to get together with U2 and O.J. Simpson to discuss the difficulties of finding what you are looking for.

And the number one retirement activity for Donald Rumsfeld is..............

01. Collecting a few souls owed to him by the Fox news corporation.

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Top 15 signs that you are in a Secret U.S. Prison

15. Dick Cheney is always stopping by to take the prisoners quail hunting.

14. Your work detail includes building a cell block for the U.S. Media.

13. They don't serve Pork n' Beans with your bread and water out of respect for your religion.

12. The only thing that's a 'slam dunks' around here—is your head into a toilet.

11. The guards like to say, “Fundamentally—Christian nations don't do things like this.” After every beating.

10. No one on the cell block, speaks very good English. But you all agree, waving right at Miranda is not a good thing.

09. Everyone talks like Samuel L. Jackson and treats you like you are a motherf****n snake on a motherf****n plane.

08. The veracity of your denouncement of 9-11 is directly proportional to the amount of current flowing through your gentials.

07. The guards constantly refer to the guards at GITMO and Abu Ghurab as pussies.

06. Your interrogators are always calling in the locals to help translate the torture manuals left behind.

05. Your prison buys “It's Giuliani time” toilet plungers by the gross.

04. The interrogators always ask do you like gladiator movies. Right before they get all 9-11 on your ass. Literally! With a “It's Giuliani time” toilet plunger.

03. They constantly refer to your heavenly reward of 20 virgins, as skanks and hoes.

02. The blood they are throwing on you really is menstrual, and it did not come from a virgin.

And the number 1 sign you are in a secret Secret U.S. Prison is............

01. Ann Coulter is the guest torturer.

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The Top Ten Reasons Cheney shot Harry

10. Quails are like terrorists. They hide and they are sneaky. They will hit you with a massive fecal bomb when you least expect it. So I shoot first and pick out the buck shot second.

09. The CIA chief told me there was quail over there. I saw a power point presentation from the Secretary of State, that said there was quail over there. So I shot over there. I simply could not believe there was no quail over there. In fact I still have my Secret Service detail looking for the quail.

08. I am from the White House. I don't care about no Constitution. I don't care about no International law. You think I care about hunting rules? Naïve little old man. That's not how we roll in this administration.

07. We were role playing you see. I was Elmer Fudd and he was Daffy Duck. Things being what things are. He took it like a real cartoon character.

06. The L.A. Cop in me just slipped out. So I accidentally shot him. It's not like he is a minority. For god's sakes people, he is a lawyer.

05. Harry wanted to make a rap album. He swore he was just as much of a man as Fifty Cent. Hell, I am a believer now.

04. He dropped the 'F' bomb while we were hunting. He knows I don't play that sh** while hunting. That kind of language should be saved for the Senate hallways.

03. We had a bet. Harry said I could not just shoot someone and get away with it. I called Karl. He said go for it. Who do you think won the bet.

02. We were playing truth or dare. Harry's first mistake was wanting to play the game. His second was thinking that I would ever tell the truth. We all know what the third was.

And the number one reason Cheney shot Harry.................................

01. I said no and no. But he kept on insisting we have a 'Brokeback Mountain' moment. You can never find a White House reporter who moonlights as a gay male escort. When you really really need one.

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