The New Republican Party Platform

Today the Republican party announced that they are going to change their political platform to better suit their main constituency. Apparently over the past few months it has become clear to the the party that they are losing their political grip because they are not catering to their greatest supporters. So in order to reverse this trend immediately they are going to make key changes to their platform.

Starting today it will be the stance of the Republican party that Abraham Lincoln was not only the greatest President we have ever had. That he also was gay, very gay. Since the greatest President ever, was gay, and a loyal American. The party will let the Log Cabin Republicans out of the dog house. As for those 'want to be' Log Cabin Republicans, they will allow them to come out of the closet. By embracing the Log Cabin Republicans, in a normal non sexual way, the Republican party hopes to regain its grip on the American public. Via their new allies and upcoming legislative agenda.

Seeing how so many Republicans are being force to live hypocritical double lives. The first bit of legislative business for the party will be to change their stance on family values. From now on they will drop all opposition to gay marriage. They are going to recognize gay lovers as the outstanding people they are and allow them to enjoy all the joys and privileges of marriage. Not only are they going to except gay marriage, but they plan to propose a new type of marriage.

Since so many Republicans like to marry women and have the so call normal family life. While also enjoying the pleasures of 'very good hot gay sex', as the party spokesman put it. The party will support bi-sexual marriage. Their legislation will allow a man or a woman to be married to one person of the same sex and one person of the opposite sex. This they believe will strengthen the family by allowing their gay constituency to be kind of gay without legal or moral repercussions.

In order to show support for a good friend like Ted Haggard. The party is going to make it clear that it is wrong to disenfranchise any religious leader, just because he likes to enjoy the company of gay male escorts while high on c-meth. After all gay sex is no longer evil in the party's eyes. Therefore it would be wrong and hypocritical of the religious community to disenfranchise a person for having gay sex while high on c-meth.

The President is so adamant about allowing a person to have sex, gay or not, while high. That he and the party will support legislation that will allow certified escorts gay, straight or bi. To carry small amounts of X, c-meth, heroin, or his personal favorite cocaine. It is his belief and the party's that good sex achieved by any means possible, keeps a person happy. A happy person makes a happy partner which in turn makes for nice happy families. Nice happy families are the back bone of any great civilization. Although the party is committed to its new belief they are well aware that some less enlighten groups, like the Catholic church and other Christian groups will likely voice opposition to the new platform.

To bring aboard some of the extreme religious groups who vehemently oppose gays and their life style. The party plans on pointing out to these groups. That people who hate something very strongly that does not affect them. Usually are the thing they hate so much. They will constantly say to the world if you hate gays you are gay. They will point out to them in the past decade that every super hater of gays has turned out to be a flaming homosexual, although a closeted one, still very gay. This should bring them all aboard the Republican gay party train.

As for the Catholic church and its following, to bring them aboard the Republican gay party train. They will repeal some of the unjust child predator laws they championed and enacted in their less enlighten days. They will allow people to talk to who ever they want to on the Internet. After all this is the land of free speech and it does take two to have a conversation. They believe you can't hold one person responsible for what another person says in a mutually consenting conversation. Further more they will act to repeal all laws that make it illegal to bathe, shower or steam with persons under the age of 18. As long as you just look and not touch anyone except yourself. These steps should make your average parish priest happy. Happy enough they hope for them to tell their loyal brainwashed following to vote Republican. As for their remaining constituency, they have an oldie but goody to bring them aboard the Republican gay party train.

To bring all others aboard the new Republican gay party train. They will no longer oppose gays in the military. No more don't ask don't tell. They will explain to them how much the Islamic terrorists hate gays, and that having them defeated by a gay loving military will really demoralize the terrorists. After that, all they will have to say is if you hate gays, you hate the military. If you hate the military you hate the American solider. If you hate the American soldier you hate America and what it stands for. But worst of all you love terrorists. In their eyes now if you hate gays you love terrorists. The people who struck us without provocation because we let gays live among us as equals.

The Republican party believes that the above strategy will keep their normal base in tact while they seduce the average Democratic voter into the new and improved Republican party. To bring everything together they announced that their new slogan for the 2008 campaign will be. Queer Eye, Gay Hearts, Can't Lose!!!!!!!!

By B. Bell

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