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New Detainee Policy?
Today the White House was thrown into panic mode when their current policy towards the detainees
in the war on terror came under fire from many different fronts. Everyone from the ordinary citizen to the Pope waded in on
the subject. The first sign of the impending storm was when the White house switch board began to log a ten fold increase
in calls. Shortly there after the email server for the White House collapsed under the strain of incoming emails.
The White House thought it was a denial of service attack launched by some computer hackers
to protest the war on terror. Especially since the emails all had approximately the same subject line. 'No breasts inducements
for the detainees or I am a terrorist.' It was not until Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell held a joint news conference to denounce
the new detainee policy that the White House became aware of the legitimacy of the phone calls and emails.
During the Pat and Jerry news conference. They denounced the new policy of allowing the detainees
to view young American women's breasts, as an inducement to get them to divulge secrets about their cells, as immoral. They
were very worried that this immoral policy was a very slippery slope. They both could foresee a scenario, where in order to
get more information out of certain detainees. We would allow the actual touching or fondling of the breasts. This they felt
would not reflect well on a good Christan nation such as ours. Not to mention the staining of the young American woman's virtue.
Soon after their news conference wrapped up. The White House received an official release
from the Vatican. It stated that the Church's position on premarital sex was clear. That sex is strictly for procreation between
married people. That if we as a nation adopted the policy of breasts fondling in exchange for information from sex starved
captives. We would be no better than the common pimp. Because soon or later the policy would lead to the nibbling and eventually
the sucking of the women's breasts. This, the sucking of women's breasts, is considered sodomy by the Church. And even though
the war on terror is a righteous cause. The promoting of sodomy in the ranks of an already godless people is something the
Church can not abide. They went on to say, if you continue with this policy, you will no longer have the support of the Church
in the war on terror.
The official press releases kept coming. The Senate Majority leader declared that the use
of looking at, touching, nibbling and or the sucking of young American women's breasts. In exchange for information is something
that would have occurred under the Clinton administration. Not that of a very moral Republican administration such as ours.
Not to mention that if the promise of 20 virgins in your next life, was enough to induce some young Islamic men to become
terrorist. You can only imagine what the promise of looking at, touching, nibbling and or the sucking of young American women's
breasts in this life. Would induce your average Islamic man to do.
After that statement the White House began to search for an answer as to why so many people
believed such a policy was in effect. However it was not until the ACLU release their official statement that a fire was lit
under the butts of the White House staffers. It became apparent to them that the source of the rumor must be quickly found
and quickly dispelled.
The ACLU press release stated that. They saw nothing wrong with using young American women's
breasts as an inducement for information. However they noted that the same young breasts must be offered to female detainees
if there were any. Or if the female detainee or a male detainee did not prefer breasts, that a sexual organ of equal or greater
value must be offered to them. So that they could effectively look at, touch, nibble and or suck, in exchange for information.
Of course the U.S. Government would be responsible for any safety devices that may be required to keep all parties reasonably
safe.
The ACLU also stated no matter what choice the detainee makes, it is clear to the ACLU that
all sessions should be video tape, just to make sure no sexual organ was being abused or mishandled. The videos should be
made available to the public under the freedom of information act. They believe that thanks to Ken Star, the American public
will readily accept the openness and frankness of the video tapes.
Shortly after the ACLU press release, a presidential aide found what he believed to be the
source of the misunderstanding. Apparently it came from a Pentagon directive to its detainee commanders, that they were free
to implement a new policy in order to induce information from the detainees. After a meeting of the White House staff, it
was decided that the President needed to address the situation in a national address.
The President started off the national address by telling the American people that the Pentagon
is a very acronym and euphemism centric organization. He then read the line that lead to the misunderstanding, 'To all
detainee Commanders the current administration has approved the use of TITS in order to induce information from all detainees.'
The President then went on to explain that TITS was a military acronym for Tougher
Interrogation Techniques. That in fact, TITS itself was just a $100 term for torturing the hell out of
people. He ended the national address by assuring the American public and the world at large, that not one detainee would
enjoy the pleasures of a young American woman's breast.
After the national address cleared up the misunderstanding. Pat and Jerry along with the
majority leader of the Senate. All released statements along the lines of, thanking the President and his administration for
maintaining the high road in the war on terror. The Vatican was even more congratulatory to U.S. for maintaining the high
road in the war on terror. In fact they offered the the President some 14th century manuals on the effective use
of TITS, by the Church to combat pesky Islamics during the Crusades.
By B. Bell
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