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Birding Humor
Just a few things I have picked up here and there.  If you have an addition, please feel free to email me.  Thanks.
email:  Barbolink

These are found lower on this page:

Up From the Egg   (Ogden Nash)

Bird ID Course   (Andrew L Rabin)

Why Shorebirds Stand on One Leg   (idea from birdchat ?)

A Bird Tale (Rob Conway) - slightly racy

Real Birders (Audubon Newsletter)

Two Robins (posted on email list)

You Know You're A Birder If... (Ellie Womack)

You Might Be A Birder If... (Arizona listserv)

Myra's Birds (Roger Shamely)

Laws of Birding (Posted by David Mehlman )

These are links to other pages on the web (use "back" key to return here):

Poem by Luke W. Cole:  Do you, too, rue Smew? Yes I do! Yes I do!  http://www.lukecole.com/Birds/Smew.htm

Ya Know You're a Birder (comics by Eric secker)  http://lightning.prohosting.com/~ees101/birds/comicindex.htm

While hunting for stuff for this page, I found that some other birders have humor pages.  Check them out, too!

Bruce M Bowman's humor page - http://www-personal.umich.edu/~bbowman/birds/humor/index.html

Jim Frazier's Universal Laws of Birding - http://www.gadwall.com/birding/rules.html

fatbirder.com -  http://www.fatbirder.com/links/fun/bird_humour.html

Thanks for stopping by.  If you have more bird related jokes to share, please email me.
Barbolink

Up From the Egg: Confessions of a Nuthatch Avoider
(1957 pages115-6)
You Can't Get There from Here
by Ogden Nash

Bird watchers top my honors list.
I aimed to be one, but I missed.
Since I'm both myopic and astigmatic,
My aim turned out to be erratic,
And I, bespectacled and binocular,
Exposed myself to comment jocular.
We don't need too much birdlore, do we,
To tell a flamingo from a towhee;
Yet I cannot, and never will,
Unless the silly birds stand still.
And there's no enlightenment in a tour
Of ornithological literature.
Is yon strange creature a common chickadee,
Or a migrant alouette from Picardy?
You can rush to consult your Nature guide
And inspect the gallery inside,
But a bird in the open never looks
Like its picture in the birdie books-
Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage,
And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.
That is why I sit here growing old by inches,
Watching a clock instead of finches,
But I sometimes visualize in my gin
The Audubon that I audubin.

Bird ID Course
posted to birdchat by Andrew L Rabin

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill out his schedule. The only one available was Wildlife Biology. After one week the professor gave the class a test. He passed out a sheet of paper divided into squares.In each square was a carefully drawn picture of some bird legs. No bodies, no  feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test and got more and more angry. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the stupidest test I have ever taken."

The teacher looked up and said, "Young man, you have flunked this test. What is your name?"

The student pulled up his pant-legs and showed the professor his legs and replied, "You tell me!"

Well, if they picked up the other one, they would fall over.

A Bird Tale - CAUTION:  "very slightly racy"

 The adventures of  Brant Dunlin - Private Investigator

 I was in the Condor Club and right next to me there were two chicks, a raven-haired beauty and a redhead.  On a lark I decided that I wanted to chat, but I had to crane my neck to see ‘em.  I don’t want to snipe or grouse, but when I turned around one of them was puffin away on a cigarette - I wanted to thrasher or at least rail about what a cuckoo she was for taking up this
fowl habit.  Instead of making a move I decided to listen in on the gulls, I was in the catbird seat, and got quite an ear full - I really couldn’t believe what I was heron.

The woman with the black hair was named Barbet and her friend was Robin.

Barbet said "Can you sparrow match?" Robin obliged.  "Thanks, you know, that bustard Martin is a real loon, he asked if he could touch my tit - I said, "What?" and he said he liked my booby - I told him to go fly a kite.

"Yep, he’s a creeper all right, and not too swift", Robin replied, "he wanted to goose me, that turkey."

"Look Barbet, there he is, after Rhea!".

"Owl tell ya’ he’ll egret it (Barbet was British), she’s a harpy and she won’t quail at his advances - she’ll wrap a nutcracker around his peewee - that’ll be his swan song."

"Yeah", said Robin "But willet do any good?"

Just then I saw Martin swallow hard, move over to Rhea, and try to dipper.  Rhea flew off and took a swing and Martin had to duck and he dove to the floor under the table bunting.  There was a flicker in Rhea’s eye, she came over to sing to Barbet and Robin.

"Martin said that Jay told him I was easy, if I wouldn’t give it away I’d at least wrentit!".

"Oh Rhea", said Robin, "That old coot Jay isn’t worth your time, and if Martin doesn’t straighten up soon they’ll throw him down the nuthatch".

"Either that or get a shoveler to bury the old buzzard - he’s so yucky, those toucan go to Hell".

By this time I knew to say nothing, and to not even try to be an avocet to their cause.  My cardinal rule is to let the canary sing before you take your tern.  I’m no rook or sapsucker and I didn’t need an albatross around my neck, so I just stayed mute and walked away - besides the Falcon needed petrel, so I went to fill it up.  At least I’d remembered to get cash out of the nightjar.  Teal we meet again, Brant Dunlin signing off.

Copyright '98
Rob Conway
Bellevue, WA

Real men don't eat quiche, real women don't pump gas

Real birders...
never list Rock Doves
spend Christmas Day at a garbage dump looking for a Thayer's Gull
know the difference between supercilliary and axillary
always carry a camera to document rarities
always start birding at least one-half hour before down
listen to bird song recordings on their car's tape deck while driving
never carry a field guide in the field
never bird from their cars, except while actually driving
have a dent in their fenders from when they ran off the road while looking at a hawk on a utility pole
never get sick on a pelagic trip
never complain when their life lists are knocked from 600 to 597 by lumping
have a life list of a least 600 species

From the Tulsa Audubon Newsletter via the Sacramento Audubon Newsletter

posted on OneList: Birds_and_Us by Evelyn Ford

1.  You travel to a foreign country and the only words you learned to speak are names of birds.
2.  Your idea of a great vacation is to travel to Brownsville to spend a day at the dump.
3.  You have ten big bird photos on your wall at work and one small photo of your spouse.
4.  Your vacation of a lifetime is spent at a place called Attu.
5.  You spend your time on a Caribbean cruise looking for pelagic birds.
6.  You spend your anniversary checking the ice flows in Churchill for gulls.
7.  When shopping for new clothes you check the pockets are big enough to hold a field guide.
8.  After finding a second Boreal Owl you refer to it as a trash bird.
9.  The Rare Bird Hot Line is number one on your speed dial.
10.  All the magazine subscriptions you receive have the word 'bird' on them.
11.  Only a fellow birder can decipher the license plate on your car.
12.  You know the difference between a pelagic and a passerine.
13.  Your New Years resolution is to start a new millennium list.
14.  When you talk about the World Series you're not talking sports.
15.  You own more optics than a college observatory.
16.  You know how to pronounce Pyrrhuloxia and Phainopepla.
17.  Your idea of an exotic dancer is a Japanese Crane.
18.  When someone says there is more to life than birding, you question their sanity.
19.  You only win Final Jeopardy when the category is birds.
20.  These jokes make you smile.

-- Ellie Womack Hummingbird Bander Grove (NE corner), OK Zone 6

-You know the early arrival date of every spring migrant in your area but can't remember your anniversary.
-You've added semipalmated and pileated to your spell checker.
-You get pulled over for drunk driving at 9 am because you were watching a flock of kinglets.
-You don't blush when you say Bushtit.
-Your friends have tennis elbow, you have warbler neck.
-You care that there are more than one race of Canada Goose.
-Your binoculars cost more than your car.
-When you talk about the Big Day you don't mean your wedding.
-You visit your mother-in-law twice a year because she lives in Southeastern Arizona.
-After a diversity training course at work you file a complaint because a painting in the hall lacks Blue Phase Snow Geese.
-Dream vacation sites include garbage dumps and sewage ponds.
-You go to a nude beach with a spotting scope and spend the entire time trying to identify alcids.
-You don't care about economic or tax issues, you want to know if a political candidate is a splitter or a lumper.
-You threaten a boycott of Utah because their State Bird isn't a real species.
-Your child's first word is pish.
-You refer to lingerie as breeding plumage.
-You own every Bird Field Guide published, but the only one you ever use is your first edition Golden Guide.
-You can accept that Wile E Coyote defys the law of gravity and survives being smashed by a 2 ton rock, but can't get past the fact that the Roadrunner's vocalization is incorrect.
-You buy 8 kinds of suet but only one kind of breakfast cereal.
-You have a life list, a county list, and a list of birds you've seen defecate.

- from an Arizona listserv (author?)

Frank was a happily married man who had only one complaint.  His wife Myra, was always nursing sick birds.

One cold November evening he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.  On the dining room table was feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin tablet, while in the kitchen Myra was comforting a shivering wren.

Frank dropped his briefcase and strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold bird.  "Myra!" he shouted.  "I can't take it anymore! We've got to get rid of all of these da..."

Myra held up her hand and cut him off in mid curse. "Please dear," she said.  "Not in front of the chilled wren!"

author unknown
posted to an Illinois birding list by Roger Shamely, Chicago, Ill

Posted by David Mehlman

The Universal Laws of Birding Sacrificial Lamb Law - The bird will be seen by others only after you, as the sacrificial lamb, leave.  (unknown)

Sitting in the Woods Corollary - The bird will be seen by others only after you have snuck into the woods to take care of biological responsibilities.  (Jim Frazier)

Resnick's Variation - The bird will show up only when you go into a snack bar to get some nice hot chocolate on a bitter cold day.  (Ian Resnick)

Theorem of Diminishing Returns - The longer you look for a bird, the less likely you will find it.

Hoffman's Corollary - The further you travel to see a particular bird, the less likely you are to find it.  (Carolyn Hoffman)

Arie's Nemesis Theory - If you don't see the bird within a certain amount of tries, it becomes insulted and deliberately avoids you from then on.
(Arie Gilbert)

Gilbert's Wishful Thinking Hypothesis - This takes place by casually mentioning a bird and then the bird shows up.  (Arie Gilbert)

Frazier's Law No.  1 - The bird will only come out after you have begun to leave.  Sometimes you can trick the bird into coming out by loudly announcing that you are leaving and starting to move in that direction.  Note, at the end of a day of waiting, combining the Sacrificial Lamb Rule with Frazier's Law No.  1 can overcome the Theorem of Diminishing Returns.  (Jim Frazier)

Ann's Assumption - Never assume the bird line has been updated.  Just because the bird's not been reported doesn't necessarily mean it's left the country!  (Ann Johnson)

Hoffman's Law - You may look for a particular bird for 20 years without finding it, but once you DO find it you find them everywhere.  They turn up in your driveway, on your porch, EVERYwhere.  They suddenly become robin-like in their numbers.  (Carolyn Hoffman)

Bangma's Observation - You will learn more about the variation in Herring Gulls in 30 minutes of looking for a Thayer's than you will in a lifetime of looking at Herrings.  (Jim Bangma)

Paulson's First Law - Common species are more common than rare ones.

Paulson's Second Law - Well-known birds appear to vary more than poorly known ones.
(Both of the above comments are courtesy of Jim Bangma who found them in Dennis Paulson's "Birds of the Pacific Northwest.")

Arlis's Technobirder Triangulation Conundrum - The probability of a technobirder finding an important bird is directly proportional to the triangulated distance between subject, human, and camera.  (Arlis Abel)

New Birder's Theorem - The probability of an unknown bird possessing a very distinctive identifying field mark is directly proportional to the amount of time he spends posing for you.  (Sharon S.  Fisher)

Field Mark Tendencies Scenario - Whenever you are out birding without a fieldguide and see a new bird, the fieldmark you think is the important one is never the important one.  The bird always flies before you can look at the important one.  If there is an important field mark, the bird never lets you see it.  If the bird sits there all day and lets you look at all its field marks, it is not a rare bird.  (Carolyn Hoffman)

Rules of Birding Attu Most birding on Attu is done on bicycle on dirt roads, many of which are rutted or nothing but two tire tracks.

Attu Rule No.  1 - The other track always looks smoother until you switch.

Attu Rule No.  2 - If you try to avoid a rock, you will definitely hit it.

Attu Rule No.  3 - When you go out in the morning, the wind will be in your face.  When you come back in, however, the wind will still be in your face.
(Gerry Maisel)

Wilson's Law of the Gainfully Employed - Rare birds reported on the tape on Wednesday are usually gone by Saturday.  (Gary Wilson)

Arie's Photographic Anomaly - Your best photographic opportunities will occur when you leave the camera behind.  (Arie Gilbert)

Bird Watcher's Digest Rules of Hawk Identification Rule No.  1 - It's a Red-tailed Hawk.

Rule No.  2 - It's a Red-tailed Hawk.

(Bonnie Simmons)

The Warbler Corollary - It's a Redstart (Ann Johnson)

Ian's Irony - The bird will always be between the birder and the sun.  (Ian Resnick)

Bangma's Photographic Absolute - The lens you have with you is never long enough.  (Jim Bangma)

Sosensky's Exception - If the lens is long enough, the bird will be too close to focus on.  (Steve Sosensky)

Elizabeth's Consideration - The bird that you stuggle through difficult terrain, endure multiple injuries and screw up your schedule for, will be waiting for you above your car in the parking lot.  (Elizabeth Miller?)

Norm's Photographic Observations If you see a bird you don't recognize and photograph it for later identification, all the key characteristics will be obscure.

All small, nervous, flighty birds have an innate ability to feel photons reflected from their body being focused on a viewing screen and move instantly.

Otherwise outstanding portraits of birds will show the nictitating membrane in use.
(Norm Smith)

Elrick's Hypothesis - If there are two or more birds in a tree and one is a rarity, the only one you can't see is the rarity.  (Bill Elrick)

Sosensky's 1st Law - Dull birds with difficult plumage are always seen on overcast days.  (Steve Sosensky)

Sosensky's 2nd Law - The active foragers are always in the canopy or the back of the tree.  (Steve Sosensky)

Sosensky's 3rd Law - Woodpeckers and creepers spend more time on the far side of the trunk.  (Steve Sosensky)

Sosenky's Theory of Optical Availability - Birds are most visible when your binoculars are down.

Field Guide Corollary - The bird is most visible when you look in your field guide and least visible when you go back to look for the next field mark.  (Steve Sosensky)

The "YSHBH Syndrome" - Upon arriving at the site of a bird reported on the RBA and finding a group of birders already there you will be told "You Should Have Been Here xx minutes ago.  The bird just flew." (Joe DiCostanzo)

The Transubstantiation Phenomenon-The ability of many rare birds to change their appearance into that of a common bird in the amount of time between your spotting them in a tree with your naked eye and raising your binoculars to look at them.  An evolutionary holdover from the days of collecting.  (Joe DiCostanzo)

Neil's Corollary-The chance of a rare bird turning into a common bird is directly proportional to the haste with which you get on the phone to tell everyone what a great rarity you've just found.  (Neil Faulkner)

The Inverse Distance Waterfowl Law-The rarer the duck or goose, the further from shore it will be.  On an enclosed body of water, it will always be on the diametrically opposite shore from you and this shore will always be private land or otherwise inaccessible.  (Joe DiCostanzo)

The Weekday Migration Rule-During spring and fall, all major flights will occur on a weekday.  (Joe DiCostanzo)

The Weekend Migration Rule-In published analyses of arrival and departure dates for any given migration in bird journals it will be found that nearly all birds arrive in the spring on a weekend and depart in the fall on a weekend.  (Joe DiCostanzo)

The Luck of the Uninterested Rule-At any stakeout for a rare bird at which a large number of birders have assembled, one birder will usually have dragged along an uninterested, nonbirding friend or relative.  The nonbirder almost inevitably will be the one who looks the other way or wanders off and finds the sought after bird.  (Joe DiCostanzo)

Theory of Canine Disturbance - Nice flock of birds awaiting detailed study and enjoyment....by dog The Lister's Geographic Difficulty - The best birds are always on the other side of the dividing line for the area you're keeping track of...refuge, park, state, country, continent, etc.  (Jerry Blinn)

Blinn's Moving Car Observance - If a small brown bird flies across the road, it's a Song Sparrow.  (Jerry Blinn)

AJ's Thermodynamic Constant - The number of species seen in winter is proportional to the temperature.  The constant varies.  (Ann Johnson)

Theory of Birding Locations - There it is - There it goes.

The Scope Location Absolute - If you need the scope, it's in your trunk.
If you don't need it, it's on your shoulder.

The Top Gun Defense - Birds can sense "Optics Lock" and take evasive action.  (Chris Moellering)

Outhouse Observation - Interesting birds always show up around an outhouse during a field trip.  Particularly when you've just entered.  (Jim Frazier)

The Western Rules of Hawk Identification Rule No.  1 - It's a Raven.

Rule No.  2 - It's a Red-tailed Hawk.

Rule No.  3 - It is NOT a Golden Eagle.

(Jim Frazier)

The Yurchenco Distance Vector - The distance you must drive to see a reported rarity is directly proportional to your interest in seeing it.  The likelihood of the bird being there is inversely proportional to the distance you have traveled.  (Jim Yurchenco)

The Aircraft Conspiracy - Birds which need to be distinguished by voice only sing when aircraft are overhead.  (Jim Yurchenco)

Grant's Law - The apparent size of the bird I am watching is only that of the species which I think it is.  (Peter Grant)

The Hologram Rule of Elevation Displacement - The bird you really want is always in the top of a tree, upslope from your current location.  (Johnson, Bangma, et al)

Rosenban's Dictum - If you get a really good look at it, it's probably a Redstart.  (Thanks to Jim Landing).  And if anyone wants to correct Mr.
Rosenban's spelling, please let me know.

Field Guide Inaccuracy Absolute - There is always an expert in the group who knows more than the field guide about the finer identification points of a given bird.  This applies to every field guide or book ever written and is particularly relevent when the bird is rare.  Frequently, the matter involves "gizz", a meaningless method for someone attempting to get a lifer look.  It should also be mentioned that the aforementioned expert will have NEVER written a field guide.  (Frazier)

The Big Sit Consideration - The good birds show up when you have a bagel with cream cheese in your hand.  (Johnson, Frazier and Frazier)

Neil's Law of Seawatching-Seabirds always appear in pairs.  One flying left to right, the other flying right to left.  Of the two, only one is ultimately identifiable.  It's the one you choose not to follow.  (Neil Faulkner)

Bob's 1st Law of Identification-If a particular species can only be identified by the markings on its back, then it will move so it is always looking at the viewer.  If it can > only be identified from its front markings then it will always have its back to the viewer.  (Bob Forsyth)

Bob's 2nd Law of Identification-The bird clearly visible with the naked eye will vanish in the time it takes to bring the binoculars to your eyes.
(Bob Forsyth)

The Escapee Rule-If you have seen the bird before, it's an escapee.  If it's a lifer, it's wild (Bob Newman)

Cates' Arbor Advisory -- Never look up into a tree with your mouth open.
(Bob Cates)

The Ichthyologist Fish Collecting Mud Problem-The most interesting waders always come closest when your binoculars are unavailable - either because your hands are covered with mud or you're stuck in it.  (Helen K.
Larson)

Point Pelee Postulates The following are birding rules learned during annual spring migration of birders to Point Pelee National Park (where it can get a little crowded).

Point Pelee Postulate 1 -- Check up on "clumps" of birders only if their binoculars are all raised & pointing in the same direction.  When everyone is looking in their books, the bird is already gone.

Point Pelee Postulate 2 -- Clumps of very excited birders invariably speak only French, and the bird in question is hiding and cannot be located without specific instructions.  (Try finding someone looking through a spotting scope).

Point Pelee Postulate 3 -- The lifers you're looking for are always on the park's sighting list on the days bracketing your visits.

Point Pelee Postulate 4 -- Rare birds arrive and leave with the rain.

Point Pelee Postulate 5 -- There will always be some dim-wit ambling around the beach at the tip of the point (where the shorebirds are usually best seen) when you arrive at the viewing platform.

Point Pelee Postulate 6 -- Hitting a bird with your car is not a very satisfying way to "collect" a species for your list.  Hitting a birder is even less so.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed."

What did one bird say to the other bird when he saw a jet fly by?  "I'll bet I could fly that fast too if my tail were on fire!"

A man was married and happy, but he had one complaint. His wife was always nursing sick birds. One day, he came home to find a robin coughing in the living room. In the dining room, a bluebird had its wing in a sling. He went to the kitchen, where he found his wife cuddling a half-frozen bird. "We've got to get these
#*@#! birds out of here," he yelled. Replied his wife, "Please, dear, no bad language in front of the chilled wren."