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[to illuminate the mind and heart] |
booklets tapes articles about the author ordering info |
Painful
Lessons, Loving Bonds~The Heart of Open Adoption
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| "Other mommies and daddies had to take what they got, but we got to choose you," is another kind of well-intentioned but ultimately destructive lie that some adoptive parents tell in an attempt to bolster their children's positive sense of self and of this status called "being adopted", and perhaps to ease any undercurrents of social stigma they might feel out in the world. While it clearly wouldn't be appropriate to share with a child what is often the actual truth-that they tried everything possible to have a biological child before deciding to adopt-it is crucial for parents to share the essence of the truth with their adopted children, the feelings which hover beneath the facts: 'We're sorry, too, that you didn't grow in Mommy's tummy.' " |
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What Is Written
On The Heart ~ Primal Issues in Adoption
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| "I believe that the newborn adoptee has a deep--yes, primal--knowledge that his original mother isn't the one who's holding and feeding and cooing at him. Plenty of solid research shows us that a newborn knows his mother and will work very hard to obtain her over anyone else... But all is not lost. Parents needn't feel hopeless in the face of these revelations, for one of the most powerful healing forces is available to every parent, free of charge... These are simple, concrete things which, while perhaps challenging of parents' idealized vision of the adoptive experience, will begin to establish an atmosphere of trust for their child. This trust leads to the kind of intimacy which, more than any piece of paper, decrees them as that child's real parents. For parents who act not out of their own needs and insecurities, but rather out of a truly respectful, supportive commitment to their child's needs, those are real parents. And that is real love." |
