MURDER AT THE TABLE
Find out your husband is a bum? A liar? A rat? A two timer? LIVING WELL (and LONG, so lonnng that he's no longer AROUND) is the best revenge. Any intelligent woman with a ratso for a mate should simply replace him with NOTHING. AIR.
If you can't divorce him as he'll kill you, steal the kids, take the house, claim he has no earnings, leave you high and dry without a car, then bite the bullet. You have to strike first! Replace his sweaty, moldy, angry, cheap, cheatin ' body WITH plain old AIR. HOW? EASY! FEED HIM BEEF, PORK, BUTTER, CAKE, EGGS, SUGAR and guaranteed, soon there's gonna be nothing in your house except AIR. Clean air. No more foul, husband-y smell. The guy will croak and he's gonna DIE SMILING!
This isn't murder. It's helping an old man to the exit. It's giving him a serious afterthought in the astral that maybe, just maybe, pigging out is not the thing to do next lifetime around. And oh yes, he'll get himself a new body as re-incarnation is a scientifically proven reality, (Ask me for file proving this.) And before he gets this body, he will meditate on what a lousy hubby he was and how you fed him so kindly and cooked for him and slaved for him and how he should be nice to his next wife, next lifetime.
So feed the louse to death --only when you do this, you have to make certain that YOU don't eat a bite of his diet. In fact, you ought to already be a sworn, card-carrying VEGETARIAN cuz you're going to have to watch him slurp gravy on top of greasy meat and maintain your cool. You're going to have to serve pecan pie with whipped cream and not have more than one oz of it. You're going to have to nibble your watercress salad with tofu burgers like a happy rabbit and youthen your own face and body in the eating of same and LIVE to be a skinny, firm 200 years of age.And attract a fabulous second husband. And that takes looks. Skinny Minny.
Because let's face it, you're NOT YOUNG. You can't exactly DO anything illegal with your soft, old body today, in the condition it's in. Face it. Men have seen MICHELLE PFEIFFER. They don't want you! So tofu and cress for YOU, gal. LIVING to 200 years of age, and looking sixty at that advanced age is the very same as losing a mate now. If you live to 200. See, 200 yrs old becomes like 70 is now. So if he checks out at say, your 60th year, it's as if you were 12 when you were widowed. Get the logic? If he checks out when you're 75, it's as if you were l8 when you were widowed and l8 is doable if most of your life after he's gone is going to be spent happily alone and rich or with nice people.
So get started now. BASTE this chicken with fat. Continue with gravy, potatoes, meat, cake ---all in the same meal. SOME people are very resistant, and some aren't and some succumb fast and some don't But not a drop of olive oil, argula and tomatoes for ole fat lip Harry. Give HIM ice cream and fudge, lots of chocolate FUDGE, and rich chocolate nut pie.
I couldn't do it. Not because I don't believe in killing a louse. I do. But I'm one of those persons who has to eat it. I'm a fabulous cook. I have to keep my hands tied behind my back in the kitchen. I can make anything! Eclairs, cream puffs. If I had a nasty husband, I'd love to cook lethal hams for him, basted in pineapple juice, create thick sauces for his marbled beef. It would be the happiest of art forms. Problem is, I'd love to EAT the ham and beef with him. Don't know how you could cook a pecan pie for him and not eat half. You're home all day with the leftovers, too. He's not. Could be dangerous. See this is the path for a master. Only a female master can practice mate-i-cide.
I should write an amusing Ogden Nash Poem about it:
HAZEL THE UNHAPPY WIFE,
TO BE MARRIED TO WOODIE WAS STRIFE,
SHE COOKED HAM AND PUDDING,
FED IT TO WOODIE
AND ONE DAY HE FELL ON HIS KNIFE!
So you see the plan. Air would be better than him. He has no reason for living, he's mean to the kids, he gives all his freetime and money to the mistress. Give the bastard a golden funeral, one that takes long, paroxysmically delightful, tasty two years to engineer. And the good thing is, you've got two years to lose the extra weight, fix all your health problems, GET YOUNG, Get firm, ready for that next husband, so the timing is perfect!
P.S. ERASE THIS!
Your Freebie Stargazer, Anita Sands Hernandez
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