The Alien Question
Whaa-aa-tttt do Aliens Really Want? First, before you read this and are
influenced by other minds, ponder what you think aliens want from earth
and its people. See if we come up with your take. We asked many local
saucer buffs what they seriously believed and got these answers:
1.LAND. i.e.they're planning moving here when the local tribes have been
eradicated, tamed, or extinguished by the new mysterious killer viruses.
Green Monkey virus my eye! Little Green MAN is more like it. Earth is a
2. FOOD SOURCE. Those cattle mutilations in the 4-corners region give
some people the heebie jeebies. It can't just be FDA researchers
checking our beef supply for Cruetzfeldt Jacob or that aliens are
curious about our MAD COW disease problem. Aliens must be testing the
viral contaminants in our prime, dietary food source to see if our own
flesh is too microbe-ridden to eat as sushi, too virus-ridden to be
eaten even well-cooked. Hey look on the bright side. If we're really
infected, they will not use Earth as their A & P. (Although rumors exist
that the Draco Reptilians fancy toddlers with pesto sauce.) Numbers 1
and 2 really tell you more about earth people than they do about aliens.
Our first response is sooo paranoid. Now we can understand how come
Custer killed all those Indians. RedNeck response is alive and well on
the planet earth. We are all skinheads on some level. So let's move to
the gentler recesses of the human mind.
3. ARTS AND CRAFTS, IMPORT BAZAARS. They consider us a shopping haven
like Tijuana, love our chatzkes, find lava lamps so cute! (no wonder we
can't find them any more in any thrift store. Come on, there were about
a trillion of them in 1954. Did you ever think about that? Where did all
the lava lamps go??? Some people think they've been rebottled as that
new soft drink with the floating flakes. Gag me with a spoon. Aliens
have 'em! Other neat things Saucer people obviously scoop up: stationery
stamps. I thought I owned three. All have disappeared. Socks from the
laundromat. Male cats. Everyone I know has had a few disappear. And--
cattle reproductive parts. Must be some kind of pickled item for Martian
smorgasbord or maybe a male-potency vitamin back home on Zartuk 9.
4.GENETIC MATERIAL.They like our blue-eyed blonde women with big hooters.
Julie Brown was SOO prescient!
5. THEY JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDLY. Yeah, riiii-ght. Back to blue eyed
blonde women and hooters. This brings up an interesting theory. Where
would aliens go if they wanted to meet earth girls? Bars, lectures on
aliens and UFO subjects? Or maybe dirt-bike tracks? Cross off bars.
Would they want liquored up biker girls? Doubt it. Think this thing out.
Where do more nice girls disappear from than any other place? Their own
apartment building? Close, but actually, only 20.4% do. 43.5% of all
kidnapped, permanently disappeared women left their office, home, or a
party in a car. They disappear from those cars which are later found
abandoned on city streets. As no cases of space ships swooping down and
extracting women are reported surmise that all handsome hitchikers are
aliens! Deduction: if you want to be kidnapped by aliens and move to
another planet, always drive lonely, rural highways and pick up male
hitchhikers! But girls, if you do this, carry a loaded pistol as some of
them will definitely not be aliens!
6. IT'S ALL A GIANT SCIENCE EXPERIMENT RUN AMOK. This is close to being
possible. In fact, it's the number one foregone assumption of saucer
buffs. They believe that we already are one, have been for several
million years. We are nothing more than a six foot high smear on a lab
slide. Say, they took a hominoid stock from Planet X, and implanted it
here on the planet of the apes. They left us certain prime, alien
foodstocks like tofu and algae. Never in the world thinking we'd turn to
eating white bread, chocolate or cows with mustard on them. So the whole
experiment turned unpredictably freakish. Then, we demented guinea pigs
invented aberrations like neutron bombs which they couldn't have
imagined. Some budding scientist up on Zartuk-9 definitely has earned
himself an F and flunked out of school. Now, how does the college
terminate the experiment? I know, give them petroleum refining for
vehicles. Take less than a century. A cosmic blink.
7. BOO HOO, THEIR PLANET IS DYING: This is part of the LAND theory. They
want real estate. We know that suns go through changes, are born blue,
turn white, then as they turn red, they start growing horribly immense,
charcoal-broiling their planets. It could be that inter-planetary talent
scouts have been cruising our waters looking for islands in space. Now,
if that were the case, and these were evolved civilizations, wouldn't
they just open their wallets and buy their way in? I wouldn't mind
aliens as neighbors, would you? Especially if they could help me get
cable for free or figure out my VCR programming. So if it s a priori true
that they re here. How do we find em? Well, what do you think doomed
colonies on a time table would do? They'd send in P.R. people to make
sweet movies about them. What we need is a list of all the
Alien-friendly films ever made. ET, StarMan, Brother from Another Planet,
That Michael Rennie flick from the 50's. Now, we go find the writers.
Either they're aliens themselves or they're contactees and have been
hypnotized and dictated to but they're definitely part of an advance
wave of nice-nice propaganda to get us to accept them because they are
planning to move here. Ask your pals what they think. Many theories are
out there. They want to marry us, raise kids. They're heavily invested
in the stock market or bought IRA's and can't get their $ out. Or, -
--they have been left behind. Their huge, mother ships left years ago,
they're all ET's who can't phone home. None of the above? Then, What is