Advice on HOW TO GET ON TOP OF LIFE and STAY THERE from an old experienced 'ex-beautiful' woman to a young, beautiful one

1.) When you are taken to restaurants by DATES, always order the MOST HEALTHFUL thing on the menu. Don't pig out cuz it's free. That makes you ugly in his eyes and UGLY for real. As in FAT! If you are in a Chinese cafe,order tofu with black mushrooms. It is total healthfood, replaces hormones, tastes better than mushi pork and everyone thinks you’re pigging out with them but you aren’t. Moreover, nobody touches your serving dish so you get a huge doggie bag. Enough tofu for two cold meals for two subsequent days. Also, You’re getting YOUNGER for those two days because the plant hormones are master hormones for the ones your body  wants to make.

In an Italian Restaurant, order watercress/ romaine salad, house dressing if it's olive oil. Otherwise, ask for the olive oil can and some mashed cloves of garlic and lemon slices and make it yourself at the table. Feed your date your salad as then he can't tell you ate garlic. (Charlie Bronson once had a date with me, took me home after 20 minutes as he smelled garlic on my breath.) Next entree, mozarella Marinara. Vegan, really fab. Clams Oreganati for an entree. Avoid Pasta. Why eat wallpaper paste? (click on it, article on what flour does to destroy our youth!) Grain, especially flour….is full of gluten which blocks vitamins absorption, pasting the inside of our intestines as it does; it’s mucus-forming ergo aging and you look like a slurpy FOOL when you eat it! With main course, get a side of garlicky steamed broccoli. If at a DELI, order sturgeon or white fish, turkey, fresh 'new' pickles, (and make sure he eats one!) & raw coleslaw. One piece rye toast, no more. Proteins do not combine with starches. At an American cafe, order turkey or steak And get a big, green salad. Avoid mixing starches with proteins. Eat starches, by themselves, alone or with a salad or vegetable. Get doggie bags for starches, re toast or reheat them later at home, eat them alone or with more salad. Once my agent took me to the Polo Lounge to dine with his client Harold Robbins. That pal (George Litto,) screamed at me for years afterward about my asking for a doggie bag! Tell dates who complain (as I did,) "I feed the meat to a wild kitty cat, the bread to crows in garden and it's fantastic for my karmic piggy bank!" They will remember you! Maybe forgive you.

2.) NEVER soak a good skin-body in super hot water. A bath is three minutes of pleasure; your skin is supposed to last eight years. Hot water destroys collagen, cooks it, gives wrinkles and after forty, creates mini strokes in the brain that damage eyesight, giving floaters and flashes. (things that ruin field of vision?) Need to relax? give yourself an almond oil massage. VERY cheap and better than hand cream which is all useless mineral oil. Healthfood stores and posh groceries have huge bottle almond oil for 10$. Scraping with a stygil, what ancient Romans called the oilskin scraper is not as hard on the skin as hot baths. Use a kitchen knife just as the Romans did, to scrape the well oiled, dead skin off. Scrape everything you can reach, then take a warm soak. As oil is bad for bed sheets, wear cotton pajamas after the bath, but by then most of the oil will have soaked into your epidermis. Or, if oiled up and you want to watch TV in BED, have a mat you lie on, old towels and massage every part of skin you can reach yourself. That leaves the spine undone but maybe you can share duties with your roomie.

True, hot water is faster, closer, easier relaxing, but not necessary, if you have a massage therapist or any other human, living person living in your house. Give them bottle almond oil, and wearing a towel stand on another towel or sheet and say ‘oh sweetie, give me a whole back massage. You know what to do. And I'll give you one back. Buddy system.’ That addiction to hot water soaks is a real killer and a hard habit to break. Don't even start with it, you'll end up with roast chicken skin.

3.) Never swallow your own spit in a.m. YOU wake after a fast. That means exudes in the mouth. Rinse mouth well in bathroom before swallowing spit much less breakfast! Clean teeth and tongue before eating! Brush tongue with tooth brush. 3.A) use four tooth brushes, one every four days. Switch so they dry out. Put in window with sunlight. Not near toilet! Rinse carefully. When you brush, get under gum line and brush hard, working at getting plaque under gumline to depart. Doesn’t matter if you cause a little gum bleeding. It’s when you DO NOT buff those gums that they become permanent sore bleeders and you lose teeth/gums, gums, jaw, the whole nine yards. More you brush, more they heal. Odd but true Check with magnifying mirror for that white crud at the gumline. Use a steel needle point to clean it off. Clean all that plaque off with your little needle,  REGULARLY while you watch t.v. Gum probs? Regularly, brush fine sea salt into gumline horizontally.

4.) Sleep as if you were in the OLYMPICS for sleep, each night going beyond your own ability to sleep LONG and deep. Make sure it’s at least a full 8. 9 or l0 is better. If you wake restless, after 2 hrs, have a hard time getting back to sleep (which hits at around menopause time or 40 to 50,) try a sip of dark beer, rinse mouth with water and hit the pillow again, doing all this in one ten-second motion. If you're an insomniac, a glass with 2-oz of beer and a full glass of water should always be next to the bed. If you wake after 4 hrs again, another sip of beer, then rinse. Wake after 6-hrs a third sip. RINSE MOUTH carefully after every sip. Beer rots teeth but with the sip and rinse method, you will sleep much longer than you thought possible. I find a dark beer Guinness or Mexican Noche Buena, and a bottle lasts a week. One tenth each night. I keep the open can or sealed bottle in fridge, fill a glass next to bed at bedtime. Reason you wake so many times at night is low blood sugar, which means pancreas is weak. Avoid sugar, chocolate, wine late in day if that’s the case. They jack you up late in the day you'll never sleep well.

5.) AVOID PLAYBOYS. They are the Hot Fudge sundae of the Male kingdom. Not good for you. One, they're sociopaths, do not know what grateful, loyal or respectful gears are. Read ALPHA MALE article.  Two, Player Men bring nonspecific bacteria from other women, even if they were doing that lady years ago, and are true to you, now. That NS Bacteria causes mild, no symptoms visible - non specific vaginitis, AND if that goes on long, you get cervical lesions, precancerous ones. OB GYN should have a colpascope, (a magnifier), examine cervix visually for signs of precancerous (bleeds if prodded) tissue. A laser is good to burn/seal lesions if doc finds spots. Lab CULTURES are good. Find OB-GYN with lab right in the office. For a man to detect same situation, which again, has no symptoms visible, he’d need Prostatic fluid cultures, but what man will submit to that? If he had bacteria in his culture a.) sooner or later it would ream out his prostate and he’d get cancer there, which most men do get. B) he’d have to take simultaneous treatment --same three weeks as his current lady. If not, the two sweeties pingpong infection back and forth between them. Curing one doesn’t cure the other person unless medicine is simultaneous, the man monogamous. That’s never going to happen when you’re with a playboy.

6.) Catch everything when it's hot. You can do NO WRONG when you're hot. When you're not, EVERYTHING you do is wrong. So learn to measure ambient temperature without attachment that creates delusion. If you're attached, you won't admit the results are true. You'll lie to yourself. It's ok for things to cool off. EVERYTHING cools, but to LIE TO YOURSELF about it, is totally dumb. Remember, one man's cool is another man's delight. So go where it's hot. DO NOT STAY WHERE IT'S NOT. When things are hot, you can ask for anything (and you SHOULD) and you will get it. A good man gives. A good woman takes. A stupid woman gives. A bad man takes. When things are not hot, ask for one thing and one thing only. A TAXI outta there.

7.) GET NEW MEN REGULARLY unless you have children by the guy. We get new carpets regularly,  new dresses, new shoes. Why is cuz new brooms sweep. Old ones do not. Everything wanes. Do things on this list and you will never WANE. Remember, as you get older, there's always someone richer and older than the last guy--  if you stay a size ten. Ask Jane Fonda!

8.) NEVER get a CAT! If you find a homeless one, pass it on real quick before you get attached, I don't care what values you see in that animal. Or what Mommy hormones it makes flow. FREEDOM to travel and accept invitations makes a smart gal’s HORMONES flow and is the real treasure in life. A cat or dog cannot teach you what the Victoria and Albert Museum can. Or visiting Charles Dickens Museum in London! Freedom to live in England for a year if you have to, is necessary for a girl. You can always sublet your flat but can you trust the new person with your coochy-coo fuzzball? Probably not. So CATS get in the way. Dogs can't even get into England. Six month quarentine, so fergitaboutem! People tell you NATURE abhors a vacuum. Well in a way that's true but I say it a different way. I say NATURE LOVES a vacuum. A vacuum can pull in a great man. Nature loves that! Put that cat there, you've got no vacuum, you're a happy mommy. Ergo you don't pull in anything.

9.) NEVER put a twenty dollar turkey in a two dollar pan. Avoid those bendy tin roasting pans like the plague. If while moving the roasting bird, the aluminum twists, any grease (even a drop) spills out of that dinky pan onto oven floor or door, you have a ruined shoe, skirt or pants and an OVEN FIRE for sure! SMOKE FLAMES POURING OUT OF YOUR KITCHEN...Make your house look ratty, you look worse,  the meal smells and you look like a dork.  GET A BIG heavy enamel turkey pan, so wide that no drips can get over the edge. So deep that no matter how much fat comes out of Mr. Gibblets, none comes near the rim. Even if it's once a year, that single holiday can kill your rep.

10.) Buy, don't rent. Even if mom and Dad have to co-sign, make use of your youthful earning years to acquire a property nestegg. Even if you later marry, you can rent that house out and it's cash you can use later to buy stocks. If you and hubby dwell in the house that you own, together, it's a bad deal and you will get PUNISHED for it. Believe me. Men have to come up with the house. Men give, women take. Take a look at how we're built. That's what anatomy is trying to tell you. If it's a jointly inhabited residence that you contributed as a roof to this sweet union, when he leaves you he does not get half the house down the middle even in a community property state, as you owned it before you knew him. BUT if he induces you to sell that house and buy a new one, THEN he gets half of the new house. And if you divorce, even if he moved in after you owned it, he gets HALF the value it's increased since you moved in. House worth 200k when you bought it, now it's 400k, you have to hand him 100 k to buy him out. Not a good thing. So keep him well away from your house!

11.) Learn about stocks. I found the great sites to learn, posted list at http://home.earthlink.net/~astrology/invest.htm. It's a good place to study, learn about IRA/s 401's. This has all the great URLs of the big famous Stock houses, that exist in cyberspace. Always get an index fund. They cost very little and always do better than mutuals in bad times.

12.) TREASURE your OLD CLOTHES. Duds are getting more and more costly. Buy Virgin wool or cashmere sweaters but that cost means keep them whole. Load closet with cedar chips, mothballs, lavendar, tea tree oil on cotton balls in corners so that moths die. When you store them, put bag or box in a closet far from the main part of house where you are and load your woolens with mothballs. Make certain door is so tight no mothball aroma escapes into house. It is toxic to you.

13.) Out partying, earrings in the way? Never wrap them in Kleenex and stick them in your pocket. One sneeze one nose wipe and earrings will be gone forever. Never dance bouncy in real earrings. Kitty had the richest husband in the State of California (her own!) give her huge, ruby and diamond chandeliers. She lost one dancing. The other one is now a forty thousand dollar Christmas tree ornament ..quite useless 51 weeks out of the year.

14.) Use really funky luggage when you travel. The good stuff gets stolen, because thieves know costly things are in fine luggage. They do not know that fine things also travel in suitcases tied with STRING.

15.) Every time you catch him drunk or cheating, demand a huge sum check as a penalty. Do this while he’s still drunk or feverishly guilty and get to his bank first thing in the morning before he’s awake. That one came from Kitty. Her checks were 25k each.

So what have we learned?  Real Property, diamonds and gold increase in value with time. Everything else on the planet wanes. Great amours, cars, sweaters, the value of trinkets --- all of it gets full of holes or loses its shape! Do the above 15 things and you won’t wane or lose your shape and you are what matters.

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