Rating: PG
Date: 12/10/00
Spoilers: This is the missing scene from
after Princess and the Petty Officer.
Summary: Mac finds out about Baby Sarah. This
is rather sad and not a happy little romance.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to CBS
and Bellisarius Productions. I am simply borrowing them for a little fun.
Notes: Feedback is more than welcome. Please
don’t archive this without my permission. I woke up with this story in my head
this morning and I had to write it for Heather and Blake.
I was sitting down on Mic’s new couch
relaxing while he made me tea and I explained what happened earlier that day. I
had been relating parts of the Princess Fanny and Petty Officer Elling case.
Thinking about it, I am glad that she really did love him. I have to admit that
I thought that she had used him to become a citizen. Mic walked over with two
mugs of steaming hot tea and set them down within easy reach. He then sat next
to me and I gratefully slipped into his arms. It had been a long day.
Mic started rubbing my shoulder and neck.
God, I could get used to this. I was just starting to relax when my cell phone
started ringing. Damn phone. I pulled out of Mic’s arms reluctantly to get the
phone, knowing that it could be important. I flipped open the phone.
"MacKenzie." I was surprised to hear the Admiral on the other end of
the line.
"Mac. Something’s come up. Where are
you?" I could hear the anxiety in his voice.
"Over at Mic’s. What’s wrong?"
"Not over the phone. Can I meet you over
at your place?" I was truly concerned. He didn’t usually sound so cryptic
over the phone.
"Yes, of course. I’ll be there
soon." I hung up the phone and looked at Mic in confusion.
"What is it, luv?" asked Mic
gently.
"I don’t know. The Admiral needs to talk
to me about something. It sounds important. I’m sorry, Mic." I hate
leaving him like this especially since I was the one who called him tonight.
"That’s okay. Let me know if you need
anything." He was so understanding. I gave him a quick kiss then grabbed
my purse and coat and left.
It wasn’t a long drive to my place but it was
surprising that the Admiral was already waiting for me as I drove up and
parked. He followed me wordlessly up the steps and he didn’t even speak until
we were in the apartment. I was worried about him, he looked upset.
"Sir?" I questioned. He didn’t answer other than but gesturing to the
couch. I sat down, getting ever more nervous. What was this about?
He sat down next to me then. "Harriet
went into labor." I reached for the phone to call and congratulate her but
he stopped me by gently grasping my wrist. I looked up at him, surprised at
what I saw. I saw only sadness and unshed tears. "Sarah…" his voice
broke. He had never called me Sarah before. "There were complications. The
baby died." I stared at him in shock. No. It wasn’t possible, I couldn’t
believe it. Harriet was healthy and she had a healthy pregnancy. This couldn’t
have happened. Not in this day and age, medicine was better than that. He must
have seen the denial in my face because he squeezed my wrist and repeated,
"The baby is dead, Mac. The baby’s dead."
It had to be true; he would never lie to me.
He pulled me into his arms and just held me. I could feel his uneven breathing
as if he was crying but for some reason, I couldn’t cry. We just sat there for
a few minutes until I remembered whose arms were around me- my commanding
officers. I pulled away knowing that once I was alone I would probably cry,
but, for some reason, it wouldn’t come yet.
I looked at him but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.
He was obviously embarrassed to be caught crying, but I understood. The only
thing I don’t understand is why I haven’t started to yet. I could see him
struggling with himself about whether or not to tell me something. Finally he
spoke, "They are going to need all of our support. The death of a child
drives a lot of families apart instead of closer. It isn’t natural to lose a
child. It is the worst feeling in the world." His voice dropped to a
whisper. "That’s what happened to Marcella and I."
"What?" I was amazed he had never
said anything about this before. He looked into my eyes; he looked so lost as
he said,
"Francesca was a twin. Her brother
died."
"You had a son?"
"Alberto Juliano. Marcella insisted on
naming him after me, but even she didn’t like Jethro. We brought the babies
home from the hospital and everything seemed fine. One night, Francesca woke us
up crying and since I had to get up soon anyway I went to check on the babies.
Francesca was crying terribly, but she didn’t want to be held, she didn’t need
changing. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. All of a sudden it hit me,
Alberto didn’t wake up, he always did when Francesca cried like that. I put
Francesca down and reached for Alberto. He wasn’t breathing and he was
cold." He stopped to take a shaky breath. I put my hand on his shoulder
trying to offer some comfort. He reached up and again squeezed my wrist.
"We found out later it was SIDS. It
drove up apart. I wouldn’t talk about it. I was too busy trying to find out
anything I could about it and how I could have prevented it. But there wasn’t
anything we could have done. Marcella needed someone to talk to and since I
wouldn’t talk, she took Francesca back to Italy to be with her mother."
"Oh, Admiral. I’m so sorry."
"Thank you for listening. It’s been so
long since I talked about him." We sat there in silence for a while. I
knew he was a very private man but I was still surprised that he hadn’t told
anyone about his son. I knew that it must have hurt him deeply to have lost him
and then a short time later to lose his wife and daughter. I didn’t know what
else to say to him so I said nothing. I just sat there thinking about Bud and
Harriet and how I hoped that they could get through this tragedy better than
the Admiral had.
I was almost startled when he finally
whispered, "You can’t hold it in, Mac. It’s okay to cry." I knew what
he was trying to say but I knew I still couldn’t cry.
"I know. But I just can’t." I was
hoping that he understood because I certainly didn’t and I didn’t really want
to try to explain.
"Mac—"
I was beginning to get upset with him. I know
he was just trying to help but I didn’t need him pushing me. "I know! But
I just can’t right now. God, I wish I could drink myself into a stupor." I
don’t know what was wrong with me but I stormed into my bedroom and slammed the
door. I paced around the room for a while then I lay down on the bed. I was
waiting for him to leave, and then I would get up and lock the door behind him.
I woke up to the light streaming into my
window. When did I fall asleep? I wondered. And why didn’t I hear him leave? I
walked into the kitchen, started a pot of coffee then turned back to the
bedroom to hop in the shower. There on the couch was the Admiral, sound asleep.
He had taken off his shoes and his jacket so he would be more comfortable. At
first, I had no idea why he was there. Then I remembered about the baby. It
suddenly hit me all at once. I was never going to get to see my namesake. I
fell back against the wall and felt the tears began. Without realizing it, I
slid down the wall to the floor and began to cry harder. It felt like my heart
was breaking. I knew that I would do anything if I could ease some of Harriet’s
pain. I knew that she must be feeling much worse than I was and it hurt me even
more to think that someone as nice as Harriet had to go through this kind of
pain. Through my haze of tears I saw the Admiral sit up on the couch. I
suddenly remembered the last words I said to him last night about wanting to
get drunk. He must have been worried about me and stayed so that I didn’t give
into that temptation. His kindness made me cry harder.
Next thing I knew he was on the floor next to
me wrapping me in his arms. The Admiral pulled me onto his lap and held me
tightly. I buried my face into his chest, wrapped my arms around him and kept
crying. He didn’t try to stop me, or shush me. He just held me and rocked me
and let me cry as long as I needed to.
I don’t remember ever crying that much but I
was crying for Baby Sarah, Harriet and even little Alberto. And I cried for
myself, to be honest.
Finally, the tears began to dry up. He
loosened his arms, but didn’t let me go. I was glad because I still needed his
support. I just sat there for a while, listening to the reassuring beat of his
heart, not caring how inappropriate this looked. We were just trying to comfort
each other; there was nothing in the regulations against that. Eventually,
knowing that I had to be making his legs fall asleep, I got up. I held out a
hand to help him up and indeed one of his legs had fallen asleep. I couldn’t
help the small smile that escaped. He leaned back against the wall as he rubbed
the circulation back into his leg. "You and Beltway Burgers," he
mumbled. We laughed a bit. Then, I thought about Harriet. It felt like I was
betraying her to be laughing at a time like this. He put his hand on my
shoulder and said softly, "I know it feels bad to be laughing right
now." My eyes jumped to his. How did he know? "But it is a coping
technique. Besides, as harsh as it sounds, life does move on. Trust me, I
know." And he did. "How about I run home and change then I’ll pick
you up and we can go visit Harriet?"
"How about I just meet you there? I
should call Mic. Oh my God, Harm!" I felt terrible that I hadn’t thought
about Harm since I found out.
"Bud went over there last night. I
dropped him off; he was in no condition to drive. They probably went back to
his place for Little AJ though. I’ll see you in an hour or so at the
hospital?"
"Sure."
I watched him as he put on his shoes and his
jacket then walk to the door. He didn’t say anything as he walked out the door.
Just before the door shut, I heard him say, "Thank you for listening,
Mac."
I locked the door behind him and went to take
a shower. I finished quickly and got ready to leave. I made a quick call to Mic
and explained as best as I could to him over the phone. He said he would meet
me at the hospital. I got in my car and drove, lost in thought. I got to the
hospital the nurse on duty directed me to the waiting room and said that she
would go get Mr. Roberts.
I saw that Mic was already there. I walked
over to him and embraced him. "Are you okay, Sarah?"
Tears suddenly welled up in my eyes at the
use of my first name, the name of the baby. "Please, don’t call me that
right now."
"Okay, luv. Just for now." I knew
he would understand. "Rabb’s here."
I turned from Mic’s embrace and looked at
Harm. He looked like he didn’t get any sleep at all last night. I pulled away
from Mic and went to Harm. I hugged him and could feel his shoulders began to
shake. I knew that no matter how hard I tried to control it, I would be crying
again very soon.
I heard Mic clear his throat behind me and
say to Harm, "Mate." Harm looked at Mic a bit surprised and took the
tissues he was holding out. "Admiral’s here."
We both looked around and say the Admiral
standing there. Suddenly embarrassed to be caught embracing me Harm began
trying to explain. The Admiral just smiled sadly. "Harm, there is nothing
wrong with two friends trying to comfort one another. Right, Mac?" I knew
he was saying that as much for my benefit as for Harm’s. I was touched that he
considered me a friend even with the regulations that keep saying that a
friendship like ours is wrong.
"Right, sir." I reached out and
touched his arm, knowing that would be all that he would accept in front of
anyone else. He trusted me with the knowledge of his son and I wasn’t going to
break that trust.
We all spotted Bud at that time. Mic and Harm
went over to offer their condolences and to see if Harriet was up to seeing
them yet. Bud turned to follow them to the room, but the Admiral stopped him.
"Bud. I know it is hard. It is the worst
thing to happen to a parent."
"How do you know, sir?" Bud asked
with a touch of bitterness in his voice. The Admiral said nothing but handed
Bud a photograph. It was obviously the Admiral, much younger, and he was
holding a baby that he assumed was Francesca.
"That’s me and my son, Alberto. He died
a couple of days after the picture was taken." I looked at the picture
with Bud and saw the happiness on the Admiral’s face. It wasn’t too often any
of us saw him that happy. "It takes a long time to get past the pain but
eventually you do. I know it doesn’t feel like that now, but you do. I promise.
Just don’t let it consume you. You need to grieve in your own way but don’t
push Harriet and Little AJ away. They need you now more than ever."
"Yes, sir," he said flatly. The
Admiral put one arm around Bud’s shoulder and I ran my arm around his waist. We
walked together to Harriet’s room where we all knew that even though we were
trying to be strong for Harriet, we would all soon be shedding more tears.
The End
Feedback: astridz55@earthlink.net