Title: The L Word

Author: astridz55@earthlink.net

Pairing: JAG AJ/Mac

Rating: NC-17

Archive: Please do not archive anywhere without permission.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Bellasario does. Drat! This is not beta read so any mistakes in it are mine. Hope there aren’t any major ones.

Notes: This is in response to a challenge on the ajmacfic site. The challenge was to write a love story without using the word ‘Love.’

It has been almost a month since we finally admitted our, well, lust isn't the right word exactly, our feelings, our attraction, for each other. The only problem is that neither of us can tell about our newly discovered feelings to anyone else. You see, he is my boss. And not only is he 'the boss', he is the Judge Advocate General and I am a Lieutenant Colonel under his command.

I can't believe that I allowed myself to become involved with a senior officer again. The last time I did, I ruined John's career and I didn't want that to happen to AJ. I know that his career means a lot to him, mine does too, but I would give it all up for him. If he asked, but I don't think he ever would do that.

So we have to keep this quiet and only between the two of us. It feels a bit strange to hide this from Harm, he is my best friend after all. I was so upset at my rehearsal dinner when AJ told me that Harm's plane went down. And looking back on my reaction, I realized that my concern for the closest friend I had ever had looked like something completely different to Mic. I understand his reaction now, even though I was furious about it then. He truly cared for me but I never cared for him in the same way.

So Harm's plane going down probably was the best thing that happened to me and several other people. Not that I am saying that I was glad that Harm was hurt, but so many other good things came about from that 'emergency water landing' as Harm has been calling it. Or 'the crash' as everyone else has been. Well, sitting here in the comfort of AJ's arms with a movie softly playing in the background, I start to think about all the good that came from something so bad.

First, Mic called off the wedding. Well, I would not have called that a good thing when he did it but I realize now that it was for the best. I cared for him, I did, but I just never fell head over heels for him. I wanted that head over heels feeling, I want to be swept off my feet. It's so rare but that is what I have always wanted. I am beginning to think I have finally found it. And I think that Mic had found a new chance at finding a woman who will care for him as he deserves.

My thoughts turned to Harm and the good that his 'crash' caused him. Somehow, I was the first one there to see him after he was rescued. We talked for a few minutes and I realized that he would be fine from his injuries that were surprisingly mild. He had told me that as he was floating in the water trying to get to his raft he thought about his parents. He had wondered if his dad felt this way when he was trying to hide from the VC before they captured him. He had thought about his mom who had waited longer than most would have expected before going on with her life. Then he had thought about the fact that there wasn't a wife waiting for him.

While a part of him was happy that he wouldn't hurt anyone, a larger part was saddened that there was no one waiting for him. He said that he knew I would be there for him but he knew that there could be nothing between us other than friendship. We have been through too much to try anything else.

All the tension that had been between us for five years went away then and I think his fear of commitment went with it because his eyes lit up when Renee finally walked into his room. I leaned forward and lightly placed a chaste kiss on his forehead and said, “Get well soon, Flyboy.”

I hovered outside a moment, playing the voyeur, as I heard him tell her finally how he felt. I watched as she sank into the chair I had vacated and began to cry as she clutched his hand. His eyes looked moist as he reached out and lightly touched her face and again told her his feelings. I walked away, knowing that they would be fine together and happy for it. I never thought that I would see the day that Harmon Rabb, Jr. would use the 'L' word. Twice, even!

My thoughts then turned to AJ as he tightened his arms around me. I smiled up at him and again tuning out the movie, I leaned toward him to kiss him. It was nice to finally be able to kiss him and touch him as I pleased. He pulled his arms around me and we were soon lost in passion. Buttons were slipped apart and hands soon found the way to bare skin.

I pushed him down and reached for the drawstring of his sweats, removing them. My heart always pounds when I see him nude, he is so sexy. I stand up and slip off the rest of my clothes before climbing on top of him. I kissed him as his hand slipped between my legs and massaged my moistening flesh. My hand reached for his already hard erection before I guided him inside me. I sighed at the feelings that he created in me, both physically and emotionally.

He gripped my hips with his hands and began to move me before I took over the rhythm. I knew that this was going to be a quick one because I could already feel my climax overtaking me. I just hoped that he would come with me. I began moving faster when we were both overtaken by the ecstasy. I collapsed on his chest and just enjoyed his touch.

Who would have ever though that a quickie on a couch would have been as satisfying? I know I was surprised at the intensity of the feelings. We had not yet spoken these feelings out loud, preferring to show them instead. I curled up on top of AJ and after he pulled the afghan over our nude bodies, we relaxed into each other and watched the movie. He surprised me by picking this movie, I knew that he picked it for me but I never thought that he would like a romantic movie.

My mind soon slipped back to the first night of our affair, the best thing to come from Harm’s crash. It was the night that I was supposed to be married but I knew that the wedding was postponed. What I didn’t know was that Mic had canceled it, permanently. He didn’t even tell me to my face. He left a note. I know that I had hurt him and I will always feel bad about hurting a man who did nothing wrong other than being the wrong man for me. I went over to his apartment the night we were supposed to be married but he was gone. All that was left was the note.

Even though I now understand that it was the best thing, I was very upset. I needed to talk to someone but I had no one to talk to. Chloe was there but I didn’t want to burden her young shoulders with my problems. On impulse, I jumped in my car and just began to drive. I was surprised when I found myself at the Admiral’s house. I sat in my car for a few moments not knowing why I was here. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice him walking up to my car.

He knocked on my window, startling me. All the events over the past 24 hours finally caught up with me and I finally released the emotions. I know I had to have surprised the Admiral, not only by showing up at his house but by losing control of my emotions. He opened my door and leaning down he gently called my name. My first name, he called me Sarah. Without really meaning to, I reached for him and buried my head into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and stood as he pulled me out of the car.

I was embarrassed after he led me inside his house, I didn’t mean to lose control like that. I explained to him that Mic had canceled the wedding and left. What was it about me that always drove men away? I started feeling more depressed and this time he pulled me into his arms. He kissed me on the top of my head, probably without meaning to. I pulled back surprised and lost myself in his eyes. We leaned into each other and finally completed that kiss that was lingering in the back of my mind for the past three years.

Arms were tangled about each other and bodies were pressed tightly together. I could feel his growing erection against my lower belly, this just enflamed me more. My hand slipped from his neck to trail down the strongly muscled back lightly covered by a tee shirt. My hand then slipped down one taut butt cheek before I ran it up the front of his leg. Moving myself slightly to allow my hand higher to rub his erection. He broke the kiss and I could see the duty and desire fighting in his eyes. To my delight, desire won this time. He swept me off my feet and into his arms then carried me into his bedroom.

Buttons were soon unbuttoned and zippers unzipped. Hands quickly fumbled to remove the unnecessary clothing then slowly began to explore. Hands tenderly traced over scars, his and mine. His fingers finally found their way to the moist curls between my legs. I moaned in delight as his fingers danced on my sensitive skin. My fingers reached out and encircled his substantial erection. I knew that this would be our only time together so I wanted to make the most of this night, my wedding night, I thought ironically.

I eased him back to the bed and eased down his body. My eyes met his as I leaned down and took the head of his shaft into my mouth. His body tensed then relaxed completely as I took as much as I could into my mouth. After his eyes closed for a moment in pleasure before he opened them to watch me. I could feel him start to tense up again just before he pulled me away. At first, I was a bit disappointed until I heard his voice rumble.

“I want to be inside you.”

He rolled me over and pressed his body to mine. His lips found a nipple as his fingers found their way back to my curls. I was soon writhing helplessly underneath his skillful fingers. I finally grabbed him and looking into his eyes, I whispered, “Please.”

He eased my legs farther apart and after many years of wanting this, he finally pushed inside me. We both moaned as he paused to let my body adjust to his. Wanting to remember everything, I kept my eyes open, watching his magnificent body. He began to thrust into me again and again. I could feel the delicious tightening in my belly began as I wrapped my legs around him and I moaned his name in ecstasy. He came then, crying out my name.

He didn't move for a moment and I reveled in the feel of him over me, surrounding me and inside me. I didn't want to let him go when he rolled over but I knew that I had to. Instead of him leaving me completely, as I expected, he wrapped his arms around me and we fell into a deep sleep. Together.

I woke up before he did and I was afraid that he would tell me how much of a mistake this had been. I sat up and stayed on the edge of the bed for a while, lost in thought. A few minutes later I felt his hand lightly trail up my back as he softly called my name.

“Sarah?” I turned to him but I was afraid to look into his eyes. “This is the best mistake I’ve ever made. I'll never regret this 'mistake,' because I'm not going to let you go, Sarah.”

He had to see how surprised I was that he didn’t just try to kick me out of his house and his heart. I never expected that he would accept me into his bed without a total change in our lives. Well, I have certainly had some major changes in my life in the past few days but this was the biggest surprise to me. I knew that this would be difficult for the both of us. Our careers were both at stake but I thought that this might be worth whatever.

“Penny for your thoughts,” his voice broke into my reverie. I looked down at the man stretched out beneath me and smiled.

“Us,” I said simply before I leaned my head back on his chest. I actually looked at the movie for a while. It had been years since I had seen ‘Ghost’ but it still amused me how the guy would never use the ‘L’ word. He always just said ‘Ditto.’ I kind of understood why he didn’t though. That was a tough word to say sometimes. Part of me wondered if AJ and I would ever make it that far to a relationship, part of me was glad to have what I could get.

I felt AJ’s hand slide up my bare back before he reached up to caress my hair. I looked up at him and saw such a tender look in his eyes as he cupped my face in his large, strong hands. I could tell by his face that he was ready to end the illicit part of our affair, but not the entire affair. I was beginning to think that this could actually be a permanent thing. And that made me so happy, he would give up everything for me. I knew that AJ was the right man to offer that to me. His eyes caught mine and he softly whispered one word that caused a tear to trickle down my cheek.

It was a tear of happiness.

“Ditto.”

The End

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