Title: On a Lonely Sea

Rating: NC-17

Category: Angst and smut
feedback: please!  pretty please! to astridz55@earthlink.net
disclaimers: I don't own anything much less JAG and these characters.
Summary: This takes place directly after Adrift 2.  Mac was standing out in the rain and I was yelling at the screen for her to go to AJ.  Of course, that would never happen so I wrote it myself. <g>

I stood there in the rain.  He hurt me again.  My heart leapt when I called him from the airport and he told me, "Come to me.  I'm waiting."  Finally, we were going to have that talk that we needed to for so long.  I got to his door that he opened swiftly but once I saw his face, my heart fell.  I knew before he said anything that he had found a way to get out of this talk again. 

He explained about Renee's father and I felt so selfish.  It certainly wasn't her fault that her father died just hours ago.  I know that I've never been that close with Renee but I did feel bad for her.  Or more precisely, I knew that I would feel bad for her later.  Right now though, I just didn't like her at all.  Some how I managed to tell Harm not to call me, he needed to be with her.  I honestly don't know whom I was trying to convince.  Harm or me. 

I needed him too.  Didn’t he understand that? Friends are supposed to be there for each other, how come he never seems to be there for me?  I let the rain wash over me as I look up to his window.  Maybe some part of me was thinking, hoping, that he would be looking out the window for me.  I was wrong.  He was holding Renee when he should have been holding me.  I regret to admit it but I think that I actually hated her in that moment.  She took away the last person that I could count on.

Mic was gone because he couldn't understand my feelings for Harm.  Maybe someday, I will forgive him but right now it hurts too much.  I realize that I had hurt him too but he should have been there for me when I needed him. Didn’t he understand that?

Even though I tried to be strong and independent all the time, I do need other people.  And this time, more than others.  Unfortunately, there was no one for me to lean on right now.  Chloe was too young; Bud and Harriet had their own things happening.  There was just Harm.  Harm was the last person I knew that I could talk to.  But he wasn't there for me, was he?  As I stood in the rain looking at him embracing Renee, my feelings for him changed suddenly.  People always said there was a thin line between love and hate and I never understood it until now. 

I finally got back into my car when I saw Harm's light click off.  I didn't know where to go.  I had no one back at home, except for Jingo and, as much as I love that dog, it just isn't the same as talking to a person.  I didn't know where to go or what to do.  I was afraid though.  I haven't felt like this is a long time but I can remember the first time and the most recent.  The first time was shortly after my mother left.  Later that day, I got drunk for the first time to ease the pain.  The last time, I ended up at a bar drunk mourning the death of Dalton. 

I didn't want that to happen again but I honestly don't think that I am strong enough to stop myself.  I'm not.  I ordered a drink and walked back to a booth.  I looked at the drink, stared at it, partly wanted to loose myself in it and partly hoped that someone stopped me.  I wondered which man was driving me to drink, Harm or Mic.  I know that Harm would feel guilt and get on his high horse about it, if I ever told him.  Mic, I just don't think he would really care right now. 

I still can't quite believe he left.  Hell, I can't believe that he called at Harm's looking for me.  Then he had to gall to say he wasn't sure who I would run to first.  Who did he expect me to run to?  He had basically just told me that we were through, who else was there for me other than Harm?

And now, I don't even have him.  I lift the glass to my lips when I hear laughter somewhere close by.  It almost sounded like the Admiral.  Oh my God.  I put the drink down suddenly, splashing some on my hands.  The Admiral.  That's who Mic was talking about.  He wasn't sure if I went to Harm's or the Admiral's.  How could he think that?  Granted, he has been the best commanding officer ever, I don't think of him romantically.

Not anymore at least.

I think.  Or do I?

I asked the Admiral to give me away at my wedding.  How could I think of him romantically?  Easy, I thought to myself as I looked down again at my drink.  He is an attractive man, he's kind, and surprisingly romantic for a Seal. Of course, I will certainly never tell anyone that I think that the often times guff JAG is a sweetie.  Harriet wasn't supposed to tell me but she let it slip once that he had helped her with arranging the wedding.  I also know that he was hurt as much as the rest of us when Baby Sarah died.  He just didn't show it as much. 

A few years ago, there was a lot of tension between us.  I don't think that he meant to revel how much my leaving JAG for another man hurt him.  I think that he blustered and yelled to make me think that he was mad at the lack of notice.  Some how though, I knew that he was more upset than just that.  Maybe that was the one of the first 'of those moments' as he calls them.

I give my head a shake and try to push all inappropriate thoughts of the Admiral away. I admit, I care for him but I know that I will never admit how much, even to myself.  I could not put him in that position.  I did that to John and that contributed to his now ruined career.  I will not do that again.

Even as I thought this though, I could hear a little voice in the back of my head wondering what it would be like to kiss him.  Among other things.  We were so close to kissing that one time before he stopped and said that what we were doing was wrong.  I knew in my head that for our careers, it was wrong; but in my heart, it felt so right.  He was right when he said I was a big girl and knew what was right.  I did.  That doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Just a few weeks ago we were all at the Admiral's house and I danced with him again.  He is a wonderful dancer, strong enough to lead a less experienced dancer like myself without looking stiff.  I knew that I was supposed to be marrying another man in a short time but I still enjoyed my time in his arms.  I was engaged, not dead.  Of course, I was busy thinking about Harm that night too.  I knew that I had put my feelings for the Admiral behind me and I was sure he had done the same.

Or had he?

When we were dancing, he fell quiet, his eyes lost in a memory, when he suddenly said the same words from years ago.  He looked startled when I asked him what was wrong and he said something about the music.  Is it possible that he still has those feelings for me?

Why does this have to happen to me?  One man loves me but I couldn't commit to him.  I thought I loved another man but he refused any sort of commitment.  And then there is the Admiral.  He told me just a few weeks ago to not use him as a barometer for anything.  The thing is that I trust him more than any other person. I feel in my heart that I could love him forever, if I just let myself.  But I know I can't, I can't have him.  He is the one man that is so totally off limits to me.

So why do I still think about him?  Why does it feel like I am trying to convince myself that I can't have him?  I really should know better.  He doesn't deserve to have his career ruined because of me.  Neither did John but I wasn't strong enough to stop myself then.  I hope that I am strong enough now.  Of course, if I were strong enough, would I really be at a bar with a drink in my hands?

I picked the drink back up and stared at it again for 3 minutes and 52 seconds.  I closed my eyes and drew the glass to my lips when I heard a voice calling my name, my real name.  I paused but didn't open my eyes or lower the glass until I felt a light touch on my hand.  I opened my eyes and was surprised to see the concerned face of one of the men I was thinking about across from me.

It was the Admiral.

He took the drink from my hands without saying a word. He stared into my eyes trying to read my thoughts. I looked away because I didn’t want him to see the despair that I knew he would see or the desire that he might see. I could still feel his eyes on me as he took a sip of the vodka tonic.

“Why?”

“It’s none of your business,” I said softly.

“Mac. Sarah,” he said, once again reaching out to touch my hand. “You offered me a shoulder once. Let me offer you mine. What’s wrong, Sarah?”

I just sat there, still not looking at him, and not wanting to speak. I was afraid that I would start to cry again and I couldn’t do that in front of AJ, the Admiral. I hate this. Every time I get emotional, if someone is very tender and concerned for me, I just get worse. If someone just treats me like normal, I can calm down and then talk about what is wrong. Or not, since there is no one to talk to.

I was almost afraid that the Admiral was going to be very gentle and tender but I was surprised. He squeezed my hand, stood up then pulled me from the booth. He didn’t say anything as he walked over to another table where two men were talking.

“Guys, I have to take off,” the Admiral said to his friends. I knew what his friends were thinking, he was still holding my hand.

“You going to be okay driving, AJ?” one of the men asked.

“No. I’ll have her drive me home. Talk to you guys later.” We walked out before he spoke again. “Do you mind driving? I’ve had too many beers and I don’t want to drive.”

I pulled out my keys and finally pulled my hand from his as I unlocked the car. We didn’t speak until we got on the way. I could tell that he was watching me and for some reason, I found that unsettling.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” he asked casually.

“Talk about what? You being too drunk to drive home?” I asked hoping that he would be too angry with me to talk about me. He wasn’t.

“I hadn’t planned on drinking more than a beer but my friends Dan and Nick showed up to surprise me. Nick doesn’t drink so he offered to drive me home. That isn’t important though. I wanted to talk about you being at a bar and looking like you wanted to get drunk.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said softly paying attention to the road. We finally got to the Admiral’s house and I expected to just drop him off. He seemed to have a different idea though.

“Come on inside and we’ll talk,” he said.

I looked at him finally and realized that I had little choice. I figured that I would go in for a moment and then find a reason to leave. As my luck was going tonight, once we stepped out of the car, the skies reopened and drenched us almost immediately. Once we got inside, the Admiral removed his coat then disappeared for a moment to return with a towel for me. I dried off but suddenly sneezed and began shivering.

“Let me get you a sweat suit. You’re freezing.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll just run home,” I said.

“No. Stay, please. At least till you dry off and the rain slows down. Besides, I still think we need to talk.” He once again disappeared into his bedroom and returned with a sweat suit. “Here put this on. I’m going to go make some coffee.”

I watched as he walked away into the kitchen before I turned to the guest bathroom and changed into the overly large sweat suit. I knew that I should just leave but part of me longed to stay. I pulled off my soaked uniform and tried to dry off the best I could. I knew that I would still be shivering unless I stripped all the way down. I just hoped that the Admiral wouldn’t mind me going commando in his clothes.

After dressing, I combed my damp hair from my face with my fingers and looked into the mirror. I sighed, ashamed with myself for almost taking a drink. I looked down and knew that I had to get this talk over with. I paused one more moment and realized that I had the beginnings of a pounding headache. I opened up the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and reached for the aspirin.

I took the bottle with me into the kitchen. I suspected that the Admiral was going to need some himself. I walked in silently and he was busy making coffee. I sure hope it wasn’t that deadly coffee that Harm said he made one day in the office. I noticed a card on the edge of the counter.

“I didn’t know it was your birthday,” I said. He turned around quickly, I think I surprised him by walking up so quietly.

“Yeah. I don’t really celebrate but Francesca always sends a card. That’s why my friends surprised me. Dan insisted on buying me a couple of beers and I hadn’t had much to eat today.”

“I’m sorry. It’s none of my business to say anything about what you drink,” I said softly.

“That’s okay. I know why you said it,” he smiled at me and I knew that he did know that I had just tried to change the subject. I didn’t think it would work a second time but I had to try at least.

“Need some aspirin?” I asked and suddenly realized my mistake when he reached out and tried to take the bottle from my hand.

Our eyes met suddenly and we were transported back in time when the same thing happened in his bedroom. I was feeling just as emotional today as that day but I don’t think that he was feeling the same. Once again his lips lowered to mine but this time, I met him half way. I couldn’t be rejected again, not three times in one night. I didn’t want him to pull away this time so I wrapped one arm around his waist and the other behind his head.

I wasn’t disappointed. I could tell he struggled for a moment before he pulled me tightly into his arms. His arms pulled me tight to him and I reveled in the feeling as I deepened the kiss. AJ’s hands, I couldn’t think of him as the Admiral right now, roamed their way up and down my back. His hands suddenly stopped and I knew that he just realized that I wasn’t wearing my bra. AJ’s hands easily slipped under the edge of my shirt letting his fingertips discover for themselves that I was wearing nothing underneath.

I, in turn, slipped my hand beneath his deep green sweater and finally touched his warm skin. He growled low in his throat as he pulled me even tighter to him by gliding one hand further down my back, this time beneath the waistband of the sweats. He finally broke the kiss, making me moan in dismay. I didn’t worry for too long though because he began kissing my cheek then my left ear. I felt a delicious shiver race up my spine as his hands grasped the bottom of my shirt then gently pulled it over my head.

AJ stepped back for a moment, just looking at me. I usually don’t like for people to stare at me as intensely as AJ was but with him I didn’t mind at all. I figured what was good for the goose was good for the gander so I pulled his sweater off and looked at him a moment. He has the perfect body. Strong and in shape but not overly defined. He had more salt than pepper in his chest hair but it just seemed to suit him.

We just looked at each other for a moment when I decided to take the initiative and I reached for his belt.

“Sarah,” he said softly.

“No, AJ. Don’t say anything please,” I pleaded.

He must have seen the fear of rejection in my eyes because he took my hands in his before lightly kissing my fingertips.

“Sarah, I was going to suggest we move this to a more comfortable location.”

I nodded then still holding tightly to his hands I backed to the door. I expected him to lead the way to his bedroom but he surprised me by sweeping me into his arms and carrying me. I relished the feel of his skin against mine and I knew that this was just a taste of what was to come. AJ eased my feet to the floor, sliding me down his body. I once again reached for his belt when he tenderly cupped my face in his hands and leaned down for a kiss.

For a moment, I let myself focus on AJ’s kiss before I unbuckled his belt finally. I unzipped his black pants then found a surprise. I expected on finding the erection that had been pressing against me but I didn’t expect him to be going commando too. I guess I should have, the man had been a SeAL.

I heard him moan when I wrapped my hand around his length as my other hand eased off his pants. They fell to the floor as he gently reached for my pants and deepened the kiss. I stepped back so that I could step out of the sweats as he did the same. We both looked at each other for a moment before AJ spoke.

“My God, Sarah. You are so beautiful.”

AJ reached out to touch my shoulder gently. I loved his tenderness but I have to admit that really wasn’t what I was wanting or needing right now. I reached out and touched his cheek drawing his eyes to mine.

“AJ. I won’t break.”

This seemed to dispel the civilized man and released the primal one. He reached out and grasping my hips, he pushed me, guiding me until my back was against the wall. Once there, AJ quickly trapped my body with his and leaned in for a searing kiss. I felt as I was losing my mind as he plundered my willing lips. This was exactly what I was looking for. No strings, no commitments, nothing like that, just passion. This was just feelings and not thoughts.

I pulled his head closer so that I could deepen the kiss for two reasons. One reason was because I wanted him desperately and the other to wordlessly tell him that I wanted his roughness. This enflamed him even more and he forced my legs apart with his knee. I rubbed myself against his hairy thigh for a moment before wrapping one leg around his waist.

AJ’s right hand traced my leg from hip to toe pulling it tighter around him. His other hand was busy finding its way between my legs and began rubbing my folds. As soon as AJ’s fingers found my clit, I moaned and unthinkingly flung my head back hitting it against the wall. Even in his out of control state, he pulled back for a moment and rubbed the back of my head with his right hand and continuing to work my clit with the other. He looked into my eyes and must have only seen the desire and not the already forgotten pain.

My hands were busy also, the left one ran across his head as the other one reached down and grasped his erection. I stoked him a few times before running my thumb over the head spreading around the wetness there. He groaned and thrust his hips into my hand.

“AJ, I need you now,” I gasped.

He said nothing but he roughly pulled my other leg around his waist. I tightened my grip around his neck as he rubbed his cock against me. He paused and drew my eyes to his, even now asking if this was what I wanted.

“Please,” I pleaded with him.

AJ paused just long enough to put one hand behind my head before he thrust burying himself completely in one sure plunge. Once again, I flung my head back but this time; I hit his hand instead of the wall. I moaned at the feel of him inside me, stretching me a bit, before he began thrusting. For some reason, I found that not having any control over this very stimulating. I just held on tight and knew that he would give me pleasure such that I had never experienced before.

I wasn’t mistaken. All the feelings racing though me were enough to quickly bring me to a mind shattering orgasm as he continually thrust into me as he pushed me against the wall. I dropped my head to his shoulder, inhaling his scent before I tasted his skin. My orgasm peaked again and I accidentally bit down. He didn’t seem to mind since that pushed him over the edge. I shuddered again as he pulsed inside of me, his breathing ragged.

We stayed in the same position for 52 seconds before I eased my legs from around his waist. Before I could unwrap myself fully, AJ pulled back slightly then tightened his arms around me. He carried me to his bed, flung back the covers and nuzzled my neck before setting me down, finally breaking our connection.

I stretched out on the bed and tried not to groan aloud when I discovered some sore muscles. I knew that AJ would be upset if he thought he hurt me. Luckily, he didn’t notice. He simply pulled me into his arms, tugged the sheets over up and we both fell asleep.

I was having a wonderful dream, I was dreaming that AJ was loving me. I suddenly opened my eyes to realize that it wasn’t a dream. I was in AJ’s bed and he was tenderly massaging my thighs that were still a little sore.

“I’m sorry, Sarah. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said at my somewhat confused look.

“You didn’t, AJ.”

“Yes, I did. You stretched in your sleep and moaned.”

“I’m a little sore but it’s okay. It’s just been a while since I’ve done something that acrobatic. Besides, a few tender muscles is little price to pay for how you made me feel,” I said with a smile.

“But, Sarah. I lost control. I could have hurt you.”

“No, you didn’t. You still were gentle,” I insisted as I touched his check. “You held my head so I didn’t hit the wall and even as out of control as we both were, you still paused to make sure I wanted you.”

“I treated you badly,” he insisted ignoring me. “I was no better than a caveman. Ug. We fuck. My cave.”

“Oh AJ,” I couldn’t resist laughing slightly. “I didn’t think that at all. I wasn’t looking for something tender. You gave me exactly what I needed and I think that you know that.”

“Why did you need that, Sarah?” he asked carefully.

I didn’t say anything for a while, knowing that the subject had changed to why I was at the bar. I thought for a bit about what I would say and realized that it didn’t hurt quite as much since I knew I had someone to talk to.

“Mic left me,” I said then paused for a moment before speaking again. “He was upset that I postponed the wedding and he was jealous of Harm. I tried to tell Mic that I was just worried about my friend but he didn’t believe me. I don’t necessarily blame him though.”

“And why is that, Sarah?” he asked tenderly.

“Because, I think I was in love with him,” I finally admitted.

“But you aren’t?”

“I honestly don’t know after tonight.” I knew that he would think that I was talking about us but I wasn’t. “I called him to tell him about Mic and he told me to come over and we would finally have our talk. He sounded like he was finally going to commit to ‘us.’ I went to him not even thinking about how it might not be the wisest thing. I got there and he told me that he couldn’t talk. He needed to be with Renee. Her father died and she was very upset. He said we would just have to talk later.”

“And that isn’t what you want?”

“Harm’s said that so many times now, I just can’t take it any more. He’ll always find some reason to back out at the last minute.”

“Maybe that’s for the best then,” he suggested.

“I know. It’s just going to take me a while to get past him. He’s really hurt me and I don’t think I can forgive him right now.”

“You two have been such good friends for so long, I’m sure you’ll forgive him sometime.”

“I don’t know if I can, AJ. He’s taken advantage of me again.”

“Sarah,” he said softly. “I think you’ll forgive him but I don’t think you’ll ever forget. He deserves a chance if you think you can give him that.”

“He doesn’t deserve that,” I said adamantly.

“Maybe not, but then again I don’t think he deserves you anyway. I never have,” he said meeting my confused eyes. “You have to know how I’ve felt about you Sarah.”

“AJ,” I really didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t say anything, Sarah. I know you can’t say anything now. I understand. Too much has happened to you right now.”

“Oh, AJ. I’m so sorry. Now, I’m taking advantage of you. I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Sarah, no,” he said reaching for me as I tried to slip out of the bed. “I’ve wanted to be with you for so long. That’s not taking advantage of me, that’s giving me what I never thought I could have.”

“But why would you want me? You can do so much better than me, AJ,” I said looking away from him to hide my tears.

“No, I can’t,” he said softly as he lightly turned my head to face him again. “I’ve already found what I want.”

My tears fell finally and I cried for a long time. I cried over Mic and Harm but mostly I cried over AJ. I never intended to hurt him, it was probably best if I just leave. I tried to leave again but his arms tightened around me pulling my back to his chest. He began nuzzling my neck again and his hands began to roam across my body, slowly soothing me. One hand slipped between my legs and I soon was moaning into the pillow.

I rolled over so that I could participate more actively. I leaned to him and kissed him tenderly this time, our early mindless passion spent. I had always thought that he would be such a tender lover and I wasn’t mistaken. AJ made sure that I enjoyed myself as much as I could as we made slow and gentle love. We kept eye contact the entire time, both able to read the others eyes to see the feelings there.

I don’t know why we didn’t say anything but I know that I was afraid to actually admit my feelings. Somehow, I knew that there would be no turning back, if I said what was in my heart right now. Far too soon, well, it felt too soon since I never wanted the pleasure to end, we both climaxed calling each other’s name. AJ kissed me tenderly one more time before he rolled off of me, once again pulling me into his arms. AJ fell asleep almost instantly but just before he did, I heard him mumble something.

“I love you, Sarah,” he said, keeping me in his arms.

I couldn’t help the tears that ran down my face. I never wanted to hurt him and I know that I have and I know what I would do next would hurt him more. I left without saying good-bye.

I couldn’t talk to the Admiral for a few days, I was afraid to see pain in his eyes. Finally, I bit the bullet, went to talk to him about a TDY. He didn’t want to let me go at first and he said it was because of being short staffed. In the back of my mind though, I wondered if he thought I was just trying to run away and avoid what all had happened recently. He wasn’t completely off base.

“Are you sure, Sarah?” he asked, reverting to my real name.

“I think I need to,” I tried to explain.

“You realize people are going to talk. They’re going to assume that you’re running away because of Harm or Mic.”

“I know but I’m not running away because of them,” I said looking into his eyes for the first time since the subject turned to us.

“Oh, Sarah. I’m so sorry,” he said walking closer to me.

“Are you sorry about what happened?” I couldn’t resist asking.

“No,” he said adamantly as he lightly touched my check. This single touch brought back so many feelings that I tried to bury since that night. “The only thing I regret is that what we did was wrong and that it can’t happen again.”

I knew what I was going to say would hurt the both of us but it had to be said as I met his eyes. “We’re both adults and we both know what is right. Don’t we?”

The end