Dear Diary,
I was so surprised that he had finally admitted to me what was in his heart. Of course, he didn’t actually say anything but I knew. His eyes were always so guarded and the fact that he dropped his guard for me was very telling. Over the next few months, I learned a lot about my friends and myself. I guess you could say that I grew up…
Thinking back to when I first saw
Harm after he was rescued I was amazed that he survived at all. He was connected to so many machines; no one
thought that he would actually make it.
We had all been a little amazed when Renee stepped right up and helped
Harm with his therapy, both physical and emotional.
I was one of the few who knew how
close Renee and Harm had become in the past few months. Renee and I had even managed to put aside
our differences. I was surprised that
even with Mic out of my life she suddenly trusted me so much around Harm. I think she was more concerned about Harm to
worry about me. I think she grew up a
little then too. I guess that this was a growing experience for a lot of people
other than just me.
For the first two months of Harm’s
recovery, he and I didn’t see each other too often. Renee and Harm’s mother were usually there by his side. Even his aging grandmother Sarah came to
help out for a few weeks. All of the
JAG team tried to help when we could and we made sure that Renee had breaks
every now and then. She kept me updated
on his progress but she never said much.
At first, I admit that I was upset for him not wanting me there but then
I understood what was wrong after I talked Renee one day.
I knew that the doctors had told
Harm that he would probably not walk again due to his broken back. Of course,
Harm’s stubborn streak had reared its ugly head when the doctors told him
that. He wasn’t walking yet but he had
regained some of the feeling in his legs so there was guarded optimism by the
doctors. No one was really sure how
Harm got all his injuries and he didn’t seem to remember himself.
That was probably a blessing
though, Harm remembered the crash that kept him away from flying for so long,
he really didn’t need to remember the one that was forcing him from the Navy
completely. Harm’s back had healed and
he gradually regained the feeling in his legs.
Harm was fortunate that there was no injury to the spinal cord;
unfortunately, that wasn’t his only injury.
His biggest problem was his shattered leg.
Renee said that Harm had to have a
plate and pins and such to keep his leg in one piece. The doctor’s said that due to his age, the plate and pins would
have to stay. I don’t think that Renee
realized it but I knew that Harm’s days in the Navy were at an end. They would never let in stay in the service
with all that hardware in his leg.
I then understood that my being
there kept reminding Harm of the job that he loved that he would have to give
up. I tried to give him as much space
as he needed and one day he asked for me to see him. Renee kissed him lightly and after smiling at me she left. I took Renee’s seat next to the bed and took
Harm’s offered hand.
We finally talked about everything
that was between us. Harm explained his
fear of commitment and how that had kept us apart. He also told me that so many of the important people in his life
had left him. He had been afraid to let
me that close for fear that I would leave him.
“I know you would never leave me
on purpose, Mac, but I was afraid. One
thing that Jordan told me was that fear wasn’t rational. She told me that but I was never really able
to believe it. I know that now. I know that you will never hurt me
purposefully,” his voice thickened with emotion.
“Harm-“ I said sadly as I gripped
his hand tighter.
“No, let me finish. I know that you won’t, you are my best
friend after all, but I thought that way about most people. Renee actually showed me to be brave. She could have left me some many times, and
I never would have blamed her. She
stood beside me no matter what even when I told her to go away, she was there
for me. And before you say anything, I
know you would have too, along with the rest of the JAG team. The only thing is that I didn’t want to see
any of you. I didn’t want to see the
looks of pity that I thought I would see on your faces. I also didn’t want you to see me like this.”
“Harm, I don’t pity you at all. I wish that you hadn’t been hurt but you
were and it’s in the past. ‘What ifs’
aren’t going to do anyone any good.”
“I know that, Mac. I still can’t help but wonder every now and
then about those ‘what ifs’.”
“That’s just human nature,
Harm. Wondering is fine, lingering on
them isn’t. I can’t tell you how many
‘what ifs’ that I tortured myself with for a long time. ‘What if’ I had gotten the divorce, ‘what
if’ I had never been with John, ‘what if-’.” I stopped suddenly. I knew that Harm thought that I was talking
about him but there was no way that I was going to tell him what I truly
thinking about. He opened his arms and
I gently moved into them, mindful of his injuries.
We were still for three minutes
and 47 seconds, before he moved slightly.
I pulled back worried that I had hurt him. I saw that he was just moving to let me get more
comfortable. I looked into his eyes and
I could see his heart. He loved me, but
he wasn’t in love with me. I knew
without question that all the tension between us was now gone.