Title:
How Can I?
Category:
Vignette
Rating:
PG-13
Disclaimer:
JAG and all its characters belong to Belisarius Production, Paramount, CBS,
Viacom and anyone else.
Author’s
comments: This is my submission for the
2005 Chaz Awards for the JAGFanFestEast for the Vignette category. Speaking parts are in double quotes, thoughts
are in single quotes. The song in
italics is How Can I Not Love You? sung by Joy Enriquez from the Anna and
the King soundtrack.
Author:
Astrid
Feedback
to : astridz55@earthlink.net
I
was standing in the ballroom of the Miller Crocket House at a big retirement
party when I spotted her across the room.
Sarah MacKenzie, the woman who had been in my dreams for years. I walked over to her and lightly tapped her
on her shoulder.
“May
I have this dance, Sarah?”
She
turned around and smiled as she saw me and took my hand. I led her to the dance floor and took her
into my arms as we silently began to sway to the music. After a few moments she
commented on how it was so incredible that we were 1500 miles from home but
both here for the same party. I was
there because a friend of my family was retiring after more than four decades
at his family’s oil company. Sarah was
there because she was friends with Julie, who was the soon to be daughter in
law of the guest of honor.
The
next song started we both fell silent.
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Sarah
looked into my eyes and I could tell that part of her was regretting last
night. I still am not exactly sure what
drew us together now, why we finally gave into the passion between us. It was one of the best nights of my life but
I knew it couldn’t last.
How can I not love you? What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you? Here in
my arms?
How does one waltz away, from all the memories? How do I not miss you when you are gone?
“Please don’t go,” I said softly as she tried
to pull away slightly.
Cannot dream, cannot share, sweet and tender
moments.
Cannot feel, how we feel, must pretend it’s over.
“Last
night shouldn’t have ever happened,” she said with sadness.
“I
know. I don’t regret that it happened, just
that it can’t happen again,” I said as I caressed her cheek.
Must be brave, and we must go on, must not say, what
we’ve known all along
How can I not love you? What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
“What
if I want it to happen again?” she asked so quietly, I barely heard her.
“We
can’t, Sarah. You know that.”
How does one waltz away from all the memories? How do I not miss you when you are gone?
How can I not love you?
“I
know,” she sighed. “Even the appearance
of impropriety…”
Must be brave and we must be strong cannot say what
we’ve known all along.
How can I not love you? What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you here in my arms?
“Trust
me, Sarah, if there was any way around this, I would do it in a heart beat,” I
said. I didn’t want to say too much but
I had to let her know that last night meant so very much to me.
How does one waltz away from all the memories? How do I not miss you when you are gone?
How can I not love you when you are gone?
“I
know you would. I’ve always trusted
you,” she smiled a sad smile as the song ended and she turned to walk
away. “And I’ve always loved you.”