The Gift Shop III
"When the dog bites, when the bee stings..."
In times of stress or misfortune, we all need reminders of the wonderful things around us. Here is a list of the wonderful things around me:
- Pet Shop Boys
- I regard Pet Shop Boys the same way a different generation regarded the Beatles. They represent the best of the pop music of my peak music-buying years. Although I don't love everything they do, I can still count on them to deliver a consistently good product year after year.
- Chilly overcast days
- The Museum of Modern Art
- The 1999 North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival
- Attending this annual event is equivalent to a dozen deep breaths, after months spent trapped under a 300-pound bible at the bottom of a stagnant lake called Charlotte. The festival's steering committee orchestrates an experience that is like an exquisitely masterful tongue bath from a Men's Health cover model. The number of excellent films is astonishingly high, but even the occasional misguided entry has some redeeming quality. ("In the Flesh" for example, balanced one outrageously bad–and outrageously built–actor against a story injected with a deliciously generous dose of implied kinkiness.) As if showcasing the best examples of contemporary queer film weren't enough, the 1999 festival served as backdrop for an encounter with an estranged acquaintance, whose charming manner, dark blue eyes and broad, moist back transformed a delightful weekend into a phenomenal one.
- Gerbera daisies
- The Nifty Erotic Stories Archive
- Something titillating for every (gay or lesbian) kink
- Ron Williams and the VistaMen of VistaVideo International, Inc.
- You may have seen ads for VistaVideo tapes at the back of Men's Workout or Gym magazines. Featuring compelling titles such as, "Muscles in Paradise," "Raw Muscle," and "Muscle Heatwave," these soft-core videos are typically sixty minutes worth of leisurely voyeurism. From beginning to end, each tape offers an unobstructed view of a handful of Miami's attractive "fitness stars" doing manly things for you in as little clothing as possible. For example, you can watch Aaron as he washes his car. Witness Ronny hitchhiking in only a pair of ripped jeans, if you dare! Experience Robert as he gets into bed, a 10-second spectacle worth the price of the tape alone. I defy you to come away unchanged! You can even see Eric pace and brood. Brood, Eric, brood like only you can! Although the films are marketed as artful celebrations of the idealized masculine form, some scenes are irrefutably erotic. I have rented "Muscle Heatwave" five times, but I have yet to make it past the first half-hour (The footage of a naked Aaron dripping in the rain after an invigorating bike ride gets me every time.). I guess I'll have to start watching at the mid-point if I am ever going to find out how it ends! Consumer alert: (1) "Behind Closed Doors" is little more than a marketing tool to sell more copies of "Men of Miami." Buy it only if you are seriously interested in the techniques and temperaments on the set of muscle fantasy videos. Bleech! Who wants that? (2) Many of the VistaMen are tattooed to some degree. Robert's tattoo is particularly dreadful.
- Disney's "Tarzan"
- My friend Douglas says that he can't be an object of sexual fantasy because he's animated (Straight men also never get the homoerotic subtext between Dr. Benton Quest and Roger "Race" Bannon on "Jonny Quest".). The long hair, the inquisitive mind, and the primitive brow all augment the strength and athletic grace of one tall, stinking manifestation of pure animal sex. Also, if I remember correctly, neither Tom nor Jerry had shoulders like that. (The "Tarzan" link takes you to a commercial site that, to be fully enjoyed, requires two Macromedia® plug-ins: Flash® and Shockwave® 7.0)
- Actor Rupert Graves and his exhibitionist streak
- You might remember him from "A Room with a View" as Freddy Honeychurch or from "Maurice" as the under gamekeeper Alec Scudder. Fortunately for the world, he apparently selects only roles that allow him to disrobe on screen or on stage.
- Nightcharm
- Internet porn for the thinking man who loves other men. Just as an added incentive to click on over, David K., the creative force behind the site, has the sexiest face ever plastered onto a head.
- Seventh Street Station
- You have to be impressed by any place in the downtown Charlotte area that allows you to park ninety minutes for free. This structure serves not only as a parking deck, but also as a gigantic piece of interactive public art. At street level around the perimeter, tall columns of neon are housed in cases under panels of fuchsia Plexiglas. Beneath each case is a shorter panel of Plexiglas that is electronically sensitive to touch. If you press the panel at the base, the tube of neon illuminates and a random pre-recorded sound sample plays from a nearby speaker. In addition, the neon tubes flash and the music plays to announce the top of each hour. The architect posted a riddle within the building; the solution of the riddle supposedly leads to a spectacular display of some kind. I'm not ashamed to admit that I press a panel once on my way out and once on my way back in, for luck. You and I know there is no such thing as getting luck from touching a parking deck. All I know is, my "luck," as it relates to the purpose of my trip the downtown area, seems to have improved each time.
- Chocolate covered raisins
- The right amount of the right cologne on the right places of the right man
- How often do all of these factors come together simultaneously?
- My gruff, elderly neighbor's doormat that reads "Go Away"
- Goatees
- The only access to beauty afforded to men like me who bear the legacy of cotton mills and tobacco barns on their otherwise unremarkable faces
- Mustard
- What goatees are to faces, mustard is to food. Enough of French's Classic Yellow can make virtually anything palatable.
- MYST Masterpiece Edition
- Great. All I needed was another impeccably designed, delightfully complex, frightfully addictive way to spend time that I don't have. I also bought the original version, but adjusting the dials inside the clock tower invariably made my computer freeze up. Armed with an upgraded operating system, I haven't encountered any problems with the redesigned game. That's not exactly true. The next levels beyond the first are much harder (as they should be, I suppose).
- Olfactory sense memory
- Don't ask me what I remember when I smell Coast soap.
May your life be blessed with many gifts.
If you did not see the previous Gift Shop lists, and wish to have additional insight into my eclectic personality, please click the following links:
The Gift Shop I
The Gift Shop II
Lobby/Permanent Collection/Temporary Exhibit
The Tim Kramer Memorial Auditorium/Sculpture Garden/Topiary Maze
Wellbutrin Cafe/Audio Guide